Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 30 July 2013

The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.

In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.

“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.

Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.

“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.

The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.

“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.

“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.

In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 26 July 2011

Multiple Animal currencies may be putting The Park in danger of suffering a severe economic depression.

That is the warning contained in a special advisory to the Archons issued by the Central Bank of The Park.

In the advisory, which was issued this morning, Central Bank governor, Bravessa Contadora, strongly recommended that the Archons take swift action to amalgamate The Park’s Animal currencies “before the Ftoo becomes virtually worthless in the outside world.”

Speaking at a press conference following the advisory’s release, Contadora acknowledged the past controversy surrounding the issue, and said she wished to be sensitive and respectful to those who oppose a single currency.

“I realize that groups such as APIC (Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies) have been fighting this for a long time and, to a large degree, they’ve been successful. But, to what end? If we are to preserve our trading position with the world outside The Park, we need a strong, amalgamated currency. I see no other option for The Park,” she said.

She went on to explain that trade in so many different currencies is “just too difficult to fathom for those who live in a one-species world” and that, in her opinion, The Park had no hope of increasing exports unless it adopted a simplified currency.

The Park’s 35 Archons have, thus far, remained silent on the issue. A statement is expected later in the day.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 17 June 2014

Who would have thought we’d ever see the “softer side” of The Cynics?

Not this critic, who has followed the group’s career for the better part of a decade.

But, last night, at their third ever pop-up event (which the group prefers to call a “pouncer”), the four Canines displayed their unique brand of emotion and sincerity and it literally stunned the already surprised audience.

The short concert, which was held in front of The Park’s new gastropub, The Pound (of which The Cynics are part-owners), included a few of their hits, such as “walk don’t walk,” “eat your food,” and “S.I.T.” Once those were out of the way,  Luther “Droop” Dachshund, the group’s founder and lead singer, took the microphone to speak.

“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently,” he said. “We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality and, to that end, we are donating all proceeds from our newest song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness.”

The reaction was predictably loud and after the cheers had died down, Dachshund introduced the last item on the day’s song list, a beautiful piece with a haunting melody and the saddest lyrics the Cynics have ever sung.

“Diamond in the Ruff” tells a familiar story: a Dog who’s lost his way and finds himself the chattel of a Human family, shuttled from Dog show to Dog show, wearing a diamond in his ruff. Fortunately, the Cynics have added a bit of hope at the end, in the form of an open door. We are left to assume the song’s main character runs for his life and, hopefully, finds a better one, perhaps in The Park.

As the concert ended, Dachshund confirmed the song’s official release date (June 28th) and thanked the crowd. With that, the group exited the scene, leaving a trail of tears and some hope for the future.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 25 July 2014

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) released its report today on the May 31 stampede at Tallulah’s Toilettage.

The report chronicles the events before and after the stampede occurred. It also offers a list of recommendations that are the result of a series of meetings held by Association members in the wake of the tragedy that injured 68 Animals and resulted in the arrest of 35 others.

At a public event held this afternoon, owners of some of The Park’s grooming houses spoke candidly to attendees about their findings.

Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, said she wasn’t surprised by the May stampede; indeed, she had predicted such a thing would happen eventually.

“Times have changed in so many ways,” she explained.

“In the old days, we all did our own grooming, we procured our own food and we built our own dwellings. Now, we look to others to do those things for us. It’s part of a major shift in Animal life and so, unfortunately, was the stampede. Park life is not as it once was and we must learn to adapt to that reality,” Poedel  said.

Poedel also cited the added stress of the moulting season and what she called “a growing jealousy in certain species” as contributing factors.

Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the stampede occurred, said a shortage of workers skilled in proper grooming techniques was partly to blame for the incident.

“Most owners dream of having their businesses grow by leaps and bounds. But we have been overrun [by customers]. The need for grooming services in The Park has grown beyond our collective ability to fulfill it. And, as a result, some species feel hard done by, especially when their appointments have been put off for a day or two. When their anger comes to a head, that’s when we see this kind of behaviour,” she said.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 23 October 2012

The Park Historical Society announced today that it has begun production on a series of historical vignettes that it intends to screen at venues throughout The Park, as well as on major television stations.

At a press conference held this morning, PHS President Clark Cascanueces said the series of vignettes, which are called “Long Story Shorts”, will cover important events in Park history from “the very beginnings of a community here, to the establishment of zoocracy and beyond.”

Asked about the impetus for the endeavour, Cascanueces admitted the PHS has been remiss in its educational duties of late.

“We do acknowledge that part of our mandate in preserving and protecting Park history is to educate future generations about their past,” he said. “And, I admit, that that part of our duty has been neglected, in part due to our involvement with The Park Museum. But, it’s come to our attention in recent months that young Animals do not appear to be as aware of The Park’s beginnings as we would have them be and, as a result of this, we decided to take immediate action. We formed an outreach committee and we have engaged the services of a number of well-known Park filmmakers, who generously offered their services to us, free of charge.”

The vignettes, which are expected to be ten to twenty seconds in length, will begin airing within the calendar year, Cascanueces said.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 4 May 2012

The grass is green, the flowers are in bloom, and the Birds are singing in the trees. Everywhere in The Park, the signs of Spring surround us. Not all those signs are pleasant, though. The warmer temperatures and abundance of sunshine do help to elevate our moods, but they are also responsible for one of the less agreeable rites of Spring: our annual shedding frenzy.

“It’s not uncommon, at this time of year, to see Animals literally running around in circles, biting off chunks of their Winter coats,” says Dr. Bregitta Oreamnos, chief trichologist at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, and author of Hair Bawls: The 100 Most Common Complaints about Hair (The Poplar Press, 2006).

While no cure exists for our “detachment disquietude,” Dr. Oreamnos advises her patients to adopt a proactive approach to their coats, and she suggests the use of natural techniques to ease us through this season of discomfort. A few of her suggestions appear below.

“And don’t forget,” Dr. Oreamnos adds, “a good tongue-lashing can work wonders on your coat.”

The Natural Approach to Handling Shedding

SHAKE: Even undercover agents blow their covers in the Spring! Shake off that dead hair before it shakes you! A good shake before breakfast will set your day in motion!

RATTLE: Don’t just stand there — do something! Whether you’re waiting in line or hunting down lunch, remember: not all your feet need to be planted on the ground at the same time! Let’s shimmy!

ROLL: Got a nice, thick mane? Make it shine! A good, forward tumble will give you a gleam that no commercial product can match!

Excerpted from Hair Bawls: The 100 Most Common Complaints about Hair © Bregitta Oreamnos

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 7 May 2012

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 9 May 2012

If “woe is me” describes the way you’re feeling after Sunday’s Mating Dance, take heart. A new study shows that at least a third of those who attend mating events such as Sunday’s dance suffer some kind of psychological letdown in the days and weeks that follow.

The results of the study, which was conducted by Dr. Chloris Cougar at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, also suggest that finding the right mate may be more complicated for Animals today than it was for our forebears.

“I truly believe it was simpler then,” Dr. Cougar said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The researcher, who is renowned for her groundbreaking study of Feline depression, “Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” and for her work on Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), says that her new study shows that planned mating events can, sometimes, have a backfire effect on the participants.

“I think part of the reason is that these [planned] events raise expectations so high that they just can’t be met,” she said.

“The result is, predictably, a letdown…a deflation of sorts. But, rather than deflating our ridiculously-high expectations, these events tend to deflate our hopes of finding a suitable mate, while leaving those unrealistic expectations of others intact.”

Dr. Cougar says it is best to take it slowly and to pace yourself, in order to avoid the frenzy of a planned mating event.

“If you do choose to attend one, try to see it as a social gathering and try to enjoy the company. Try not to pressure yourself and others and do your best not to respond to the pressure of others on you,” she advises.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 30 May 2013

Displaying what some have called a “take charge attitude,” the 2013 Archons have proclaimed June the first annual “Enforced Domestication Awareness” month in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning outside the law courts, Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Rhinoceros spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“In declaring this coming month of June the first annual Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers. This proclamation, dated 30 May 2013, signals our willingness to meet head-on one of the greatest challenges The Park has ever faced. Due to the economic downturn, we have lost many of our best and brightest to the outside world. The Park cannot afford such a brain drain. We must work toward solving our economic problems so that there exists no need to look beyond our borders for survival. And, with this awareness campaign, we hope to inform and educate Park citizens and residents about the reality of enforced domestication, so that they will be able to resist the temptation to engage with those who might tempt them to sacrifice their freedom,” she said.

While experts in the field stop short of calling the problem “Animalnapping,” the official definition of enforced domestication was broadened last year to include “enticement.” This expands the original definition of “the physical removal of Animals from The Park, without their consent, for the purpose of using them for service or companionship in a domestic situation.” According to The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records and Well-Being and Safety, ninety-nine per cent of enforced domestications are committed by Humans.

Planned events in support of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month include workshops, a series of public service announcements that will be broadcast on all Park television and radio stations and screenings of short films about the topic. As well, the Chief Archon advised that during the month of June an information booth staffed by workers from  Runaway Rovers will be installed beside the Ancient Oak Tree. The group, which provides assistance to formerly domestic Canines, has published a series of educational brochures entitled, “Enforced Domestication: It Could Happen to You.”  These will be distributed free of charge throughout June.