Original Publication Date: 02 August 2011

The future of one of The Park’s oldest newspapers hangs in the balance, as executives at The Mollusk Messenger meet tomorrow morning to weigh the financial consequences of recent editorial decisions.

Sources close to owner and Chief Financial Officer, Evander Slak, say he blames editor-in-chief, Angelika Cowrie, for the decrease in the newspaper’s readership and its resultant impact on the bottom line.

“She was too hard…she wouldn’t bend at all when it came to responding to what our readers wanted,” said one ex-employee who spoke to The Mammalian Daily on condition of anonymity.

What the readers wanted, according to surveys conducted by the newspaper itself, was more commentary on the news and less “reporting at a distance,” the ex-employee says.

“It’s a fast-changing world and they were simply too slow,” agreed Braydon Raubtier, a journalist with the Dingo Boomerang.

Those who work with Cowrie, a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier, say she is a “traditionalist,” and one who believes that it is wrong to make the reporter part of the story.  The Messenger is one of the few newspapers that does not publish personal columns or opinion pieces.

“That’s all well and good, but if your readers want your opinion, you’d better give it to them or they’ll go somewhere else to get what they want,” says Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

The Mollusk Messenger is not the only Park newspaper that is suffering financially, however.  With readership down and advertising revenues imploding, it has been difficult for most Park newspapers to keep going without making drastic changes.

Author and historian Pieter Paard

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 23 August 2011

A new, five-part television series based on a book by historian, Pieter Paard, is set to air this Fall on Park Broadcasting Corporation Television.

PBC TV executives confirmed at a press conference today that it has purchased the series, which is based on Paard’s historical tome, From Slavery to Freedom: A History of Pack Animals.  The exact broadcast date was not announced, but it is rumoured to be slated for airing on October 1, the start of the new television season.

The series, which was filmed in The Park at the beginning of the Summer, stars Park heartthrob, Leopoldo Llama, in the title role of Antonio Astoa.  The book was adapted for film by Sonia Esel and Bernardo Burro.

Hieronymous Hedgehog will sit down with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros to discuss the controversy over Tavros’s remarks after Groundhog Day.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 24 April 2013

Calling to mind the hit song by Eggie and The Pigs, Toro Talk Radio announced today that it has signed a deal with Hieronymous Hedgehog that will have him meeting “snout to snout” with talk show host Yannis Tavros.

According to the announcement, the two will discuss “the entire controversy, from beginning to end”  on Wednesday, 08 May, during the airtime that is usually devoted to Tavros’s talk show.

Until now, Hieronymous Hedgehog has remained silent on the subject of the insults hurled at him by Yannis Tavros, which led to the talk show host’s suspension. He has also kept mum about the group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronmyous or LAdeH) but, through his supporters, he indicated that he has no association with the group.

A SpokesAnimal for the radio station said the fact of the meeting and any subsequent discussions the two may have will have no effect on Tavros’s suspension from his job.

“This [meeting] in no way implies that Tavros will be returning to his job and that all is forgiven,” he said. “What we are trying to do here is clear some time and space for the two to meet each other on neutral ground and to discuss what really happened. If they can come to an understanding, that will be an important first step. But our ultimate goal is reconciliation and peace among Park citizens,” he said.

The “neutral ground” referred to will, in fact, be The Park’s Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. Toro Talk Radio will be selling tickets to the event from April 27 on. Tickets will be on sale at the radio station and the theatre, as well as at Footpad Heaven. All proceeds from the sale of tickets will go to The Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening, the affliction from which former Archon and Hieronymous Hedgehog’s uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, died in 2008.

See also:

Archon’s nephew blasted over Groundhog Day remarks
Radio station suspends Tavros over Hedgehog remarks
Founding Families, Petrounel pull ads from Toro Talk Radio
Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters 

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 12 August 2011

Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS) is reporting that some former members of the Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC) have disassociated themselves from APIC and created a splinter group to fight currency amalgamation in The Park.

The group, ninety per cent of whose members are Geese, calls itself “Fowl Cry” and plans to stage a two-day protest against currency unification this weekend.

In a statement distributed to all Park media, the group excoriated APIC as a “do-nothing” organization and its current President, Rowena Goose, as a “stand-by and watch” official.

“At a time when it is most important to take action, she [Rowena Goose] has adopted a ‘wait and see’ attitude,” the statement said.  The group has also accused the Goose of feathering her own nest by hoarding the dominant currency (Ftoo), while leaving the rest of Park citizens to fend for themselves.

APIC released a counter-statement early this morning, defending its record and touting its success in staving off currency amalgamation, which has been on the table in The Park for more than seven years. The group did not address the charges that Fowl Cry made against its President, nor has Rowena Goose yet stepped forward to dispute them.

Park Police say they have called in reinforcements in order to keep peace in The Park during the demonstration.

Insect Intelligencer reporter ZeeZee Legy

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 21 July 2011

The Insect Intelligencer has confirmed that reporter, ZeeZee Legy, has been held for questioning outside The Park in connection with the death of a Human late last night. The dead Human, whose name has not yet been released by law enforcement, was one of two who suffered injuries last week.  The other was released from hospital three days ago.

In a statement released early this morning, The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, expressed her deepest sympathies for the family of the fallen Human and pledged the paper’s “full cooperation” in any investigation into the circumstances surrounding his death.

Reports claim that the two Humans fell ill suddenly outside their homes and were rushed to hospital.  Witnesses at the scene told police that five of the Intelligencer’s reporters were “hovering around” at the time and that at least two of them “had their probosces resting” on the Humans’ arms.

The five reporters fled the scene but were arrested inside The Park within hours of their return.  Only Legy remained outside The Park, where it was reported he had been visiting family while on vacation from the newspaper.

Legy, along with the other five reporters, work exclusively on the Intelligencer’s daily Fly on the Wall feature.  After the arrest of the five reporters, the newspaper’s publishers made the decision to cease publication temporarily.  The reporters were to have been formally charged on July 18, but a backlog in The Park’s court system has caused a delay in the matter.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 3 October 2014

Manwel Kelb, left, and Eamon Madra star in The Dog Paddle as rival swimmers forced to compete together as paddlers after a mixup occurs in the qualifier for the “big race.”

The Dog Paddle

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Starring Manwel Kelb, Eamon Madra and Vicente Perro. Directed by Sofia Koira. First screening: October 2; repeat screening October 4 at the Park Cinema. 72 minutes.

The Dog Paddle, which stars two of The Park’s best known Canine comedic actors (Kelb and Madra) as well as newcomer Vicente Perro, hinges on a familiar Park issue: two rival Canine swimmers are vying for the opportunity to compete in the first-ever Dog paddle event of the Interspecial Summer Games. After the qualifying final is cancelled due to a vicious storm, the athletes are told that both their names have been entered in the “big race.” What Kelb and Madra’s characters realize too late is that the big race they’ve been entered in is a different kind of Dog paddle race: one that involves two Dogs, two paddles, and a canoe.

The reaction of the two characters to the news that they must cooperate with each other rather than compete (and do so in a canoe) nets us some priceless physical comedy — the sort that both actors are famous for.

But it’s what happens next that elevates The Dog Paddle to comedic art: the film slows down just long enough to allow us to see both Dogs in a different light. In this case, it’s the twilight before the big race, when they finally decide they’d better talk strategy if they’re going to have any chance at all of winning.

In the hands of another director, this scene might have turned the film into a tragicomedy. But in the hands of the skilled and savvy Sofia Koira, who is quite a hoot herself, the poignancy becomes so off-balance that it rights the canoe and steers the rest of the film to its conclusion, which I won’t spoil for you here.

Who would have thought that a send-up of the Canine Athletic Association’s bid to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive swimming stroke could be so funny? Certainly not this critic, but the surprise was well worth the humility with which I will be forced to live for some time.

Archaeologists at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life have determined that the words that are carved on a stone tablet that was discovered last Summer are the lyrics of an ancient shedding song.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 27 April 2013

The Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life has confirmed the discovery of an ancient shedding song. The lyrics of the song were inscribed on a stone tablet that was found near The Park’s Wishing Well during a routine dig last Summer.

At a press conference held this afternoon on the grounds of the Institute, ISML Chief Archaeologist Catriona Cairn-Terrier characterized the find as “significant” and described the tablet as “basically in good shape, with a few breaks here and there at the ends, but nothing that prevented us from reading the letters on it.”

She credited a team of musicologists from the University of West Terrier’s Zedrich School of Music with helping the Institute’s staff determine the nature and meaning of the inscription on the stone.

“We knew from the way the words were arranged that it was some type of poem or poetic structure, but it wasn’t until we worked with the musicologists that we were able to comprehend its true essence,” she said.

According to Cairn-Terrier, shedding songs (as well as molting songs) were a popular genre many thousands of years ago.

“They celebrate the natural order of things…moving from one season to another…and especially the rebirth that occurs in the Spring,” she said.

The language of the inscription found on the tablet is known as “Mammalian XII,” an ancient language that is related to Mammalian VII and, according to archaeologists, one that was in use during the Hairy Mammal Era (HME). And although the entire song has yet to be transcribed, Cairn-Terrier offered up what she believes is the song’s chorus:

Spring is sprung!
The winter’s done!
The sun’s come out to play!
Let’s shed the old,
Don something bold – 
For summer’s on its way! 

The first act of the 2013 Archons is the establishment of a “long gone registry” to catalogue Animals who have left The Park

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 11 February 2013

Bowing to pressure from the Park Historical Society, the 2013 Archons announced today that their first official act as The Park’s governing body will be the establishment of a registry of Animals whose departure from The Park was “caused by either death or desire”.

At a press conference held this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said the “Long Gone Registry” was deemed essential by all parties concerned “so that we can have truly accurate population and participation records for The Park.”

“All organized societies require accurate records so that they can both learn from the past and look to the future,” Alouatta said, quoting from a statement issued earlier by the Archons.

According to Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces, who advised the Archons as they drafted legislation to establish the registry, no formal records exist of or about departed Park citizens or residents.

“We don’t know who left or why they left, or even when they left. We have not kept those kinds of [exit] records, as we should have done. All we have to go on are published death announcements, family notices, citations from educational institutions, or hospital and physicians’ notes. We have no formal records regarding mobility or participation. This leaves a huge hole in our knowledge of life in The Park. There are, undoubtedly, many Animals who contributed to our life here and who form part of our history, but we know nothing about them,” he said.

The registry, which was established to rectify this situation, will of necessity rely heavily on anecdotal evidence and family lore, Alouatta said. For this reason, the Archons have engaged the services of faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s Department of History, as well as members of the Park Historical Society, in gathering the information required from The Park’s resident Animals.

The registry, which will fall under the jurisdiction of The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, will begin data intake in the Spring, Alouatta said.