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Archives for December 2013

Grooming house offers “Rapper Special” on claw sharpening

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Amoltrud's Aesthetics


Amoltrud’s Aesthetics is taking advantage of recent events in The Park to advertise its grooming services

Who says Animals in business have no sense of humour?

Not Amoltrud Poedel. The owner of The Park’s oldest grooming house believes that serious events can have a funny side. And just to prove it, she’s added a seasonal special to the long list of services her salon offers.

“I’m calling it the ‘Rapper Special’ and we’re offering it at half price, this week only,” she laughs. “It’s our full claw sharpening treatment…but we do it extra-carefully, so that all that nasty bark won’t get caught in your claws.”

The reference, of course, is to the trial of Rapper Will.o.be., who was acquitted yesterday after being charged with, among other things, sharpening his claws on a precious Park Oak Tree.

Poedel won’t say whether she harbours doubts about his innocence, but she’s clearly not against taking advantage of the doubts of many other Park citizens.

But, she says, “It’s all in good fun. I’m hoping he’ll come in for a sharpening or, at least, write our next jingle for us. Something snappy, with a bit of a bite and a bark to it, maybe.”

Rapper Will.o.be. acquitted of all charges

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BreakingNewsRapper Will.o.be. was acquitted today of all charges related to his alleged treatment of an Oak Tree during the final night of the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

The rapper, who was represented by Sebastian Shepherd, partner in the law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, pleaded not guilty to one charge of mischief and two charges of assault on a living being.

In rendering his decision, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court chastised the prosecution, accusing the plaintiff’s representatives of lacking substantial evidence and bringing forth a suit that was “all but frivolous.”

The Justice also had a warning for the popular Park rapper.

“Be forewarned,” he said. “Everything you do from now on will be scrutinized. There will always be those who believe it was you who assaulted the Tree and that you escaped punishment because of your fame. Although that was not the case this time and never will be in my court, I encourage you to behave in a way that reinforces your innocence, rather than the opposite.”

Neither the defendant nor the plaintiff spoke to media after leaving the courthouse.

DPA confirms significant decrease in Form 12 submissions

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Form 12


The Park’s Department of Political Administration reports a decrease in the number of Animals using Form 12 to request exemption from January’s Archon lottery

The Park’s Department of Political Administration has reported a decrease of 17% in the number of Form 12 submissions this year.

“We are seeing this as a positive, even though we are not yet sure what accounts for the decrease,” said DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

“Either it signals an increased willingness by Park Animals to participate in their government or it is a consequence of a shift in population numbers. Naturally, we hope the former is the case,” she said at a press conference this morning.

Form 12 is used by Animals to request exemption from the lottery that is held each January for the purpose of choosing the 35 Archons who will form that year’s government (this process is also known as sortition).

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

The growing number of Form 12 submissions had become “worrisome,” Fourmi admitted. Last year, the DPA released a report that claimed an increasing number of Animals were feigning illness to avoid having their names entered in the annual lottery.

“There is no doubt we appeared to be moving in the wrong direction, but I think we may have turned a corner,” the DPA spokesAnimal said regarding this year’s figures.

See also:

Park citizens feigning illness to avoid Archon duty: report
Focus on: Sortition

Park’s retail, construction sectors expected to post strong gains after extended pre-hibernation period

By

GoUnderground


The Park’s retail sector has reported strong gains due to this season’s extended pre-hibernation period

The Park’s retail and construction services sectors are set to show strong gains in the fourth quarter, according to Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners.

“It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good,” he says. “And for these sectors, the extension of the pre-hibernation period was truly a gift.”

That extension, which was itself a result of the POPS election debacle, enabled Animals who otherwise would have been in a state of torpor to continue to spend on their hibernation preparations.

“There was a flurry of activity, at just about the time that we would have been putting away our hibernation gear,” says GoUnderground’s director of sales Nafari Bongo.

The Park’s largest hibernation outfitter is not alone. Throughout the retail sector, sales were unusually high.

“Our members were kept busy, that’s for sure,” says a spokesAnimal for the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). She was speaking on behalf of founder and current president Wellington Whistlepig, who went into hibernation on December 1.

The construction services sector also saw unusual gains for the season, says Dingo.

“Many Animals took the opportunity to renovate their hibernating quarters and some even built brand new ones,” he says.

Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond confirms this. His construction company is The Park’s only business that specializes in hibernation facilities.

“Quite frankly, we were overwhelmed by last-minute orders,” he admits. “There was a day when we thought we might not be able to fulfil all the new orders. But we did.”

Businesses that serve Animals at pre-hibernation time were not the only ones to see gains, though. Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer and caterer that provides post-hibernation sustenance to many, saw its orders triple at the end of November.

“I think many Animals anticipated needing a little something extra…a little pick-me-up to get them going after hibernation, since they won’t be under for as long this year,” says the shop’s owner Beatrice T. Orang.

Rapper Will.o.be. says he’s ready to stand trial Monday

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Rapper Will.o.be.

INTERVIEW

Rapper Will.o.be. sips spring water from a bowl.

“I want to keep my voice healthy and strong…for this interview and for the trial. I want to tell my story and I don’t want to sound the least bit hesitant,” he states.

Even so, he has limited this interview to ten minutes, so that he can continue to get into shape for his trial on Monday.

His legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, lies a few feet away from him. Shepherd is a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd. He can see all and hear all but he promises he won’t intervene.

“The truth needs no clarification,” he says bluntly.

The rapper flicks his whiskers, anticipating a barrage of questions, only a few of which he’s prepared to answer. Nevertheless, he displays a lovely demeanour; he is not nearly as aggressive offstage as he is when he is performing.

“Without giving away too much,” he offers, “a lot of that is an act. But do I feel rage? Yes, I do. And I believe that we all should.”

These days, his rage is focused mainly on the three charges he plans to fight before a judge on Monday: two charges of assault on an Oak Tree and one charge of mischief.

“This whole thing is outrageous,” he states firmly. “I unequivocally deny that I ever did such a thing [sharpening his claws on an Oak Tree] — not on the night in question or ever in my life.”

There are witnesses, those who were in attendance at the Beats of Burden Music Festival, who say they saw him do just that. But there are no photographs.

“The evidence, as such, amounts to hearsay,” the rapper says. “And not only hearsay, but worse. It’s a scheme to defame me and my music, to say that I have no respect for The Park, to punish me for my success because not all of it came from The Park.”

This is not the first time Will.o.be. has made that charge. And this is what is true: much of his success has come from his time performing outside The Park.

“They say I objectify Animals, that I allow myself to be laughed at by Humans and others…that it’s not my music but my so-called antics that have made me successful. Well, I dispute that. I don’t play for Humans. I don’t expect them to understand. If they buy tickets to my concerts, I can’t help that, but I have used that money to help Park Animals. Before, they could only criticize me for the Human element at my concerts. But, with this new charge, they’ve drilled deeper. They’re saying that I have no respect for other forms of life and that is despicable. And they’ve kept me away from my beloved Park Trees for almost three months.”

As the interview draws to a close, Will.o.be. offers to show me his claws, the ones that he is accused of sharpening on a Tree that is a cousin to The Park’s much-revered Ancient Oak. I question the gesture: no matter how they look, they can provide no evidence of anything, so many months after the charges were laid.

But, as it turns out, I may be wrong. The rapper who is so in-your-face about Animals living a “natural” life appears to have his claws professionally clipped on a regular basis.

“And that’s just a preview of my evidence,” he says, purring.

See also:  Rapper Will.o.be. to stand trial for defacing Tree at music fest

Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial on Monday. Watch this space for up-to-the-minute reports.

Controversial group reinvents itself as activist organization

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Friends of Hieronymous


Above is the new symbol of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous). The controversial group has reinvented itself as an activist organization. It plans to release its first manifesto next week.

The controversial group Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) has reinvented itself as a political action organization.

The group, which is also known as LAdeH, rose to fame last Spring when it championed the dignity of Hieronymous Hedgehog after Yannis Tavros insulted him on his radio show. Soon after that, six members of the group were arrested at the annual Return of the Nut ceremony. Those six subsequently charged one Park Police officer with misconduct, which resulted in the suspension of the named officer. The charge was later dismissed and the officer was reinstated, but not before his reputation had suffered severe damage. A countersuit against the group, launched by the officer, is set to go to trial early in the new year.

According to the organization’s leader, however, that sort of behaviour is all in the past.

“We had a few bad members, some who were not committed to our cause and some who had infiltrated our group unbeknownst to us. But we’ve cleaned house since then,” says Terkil Dyr, who took over the organization’s reins at the end of November.

“We are committed to peaceful change,” says Dyr, though he did not specify what type of change the LAdeH is interested in effecting.

“We plan to release our first manifesto next week and we invite all Park Animals to take a look at who we are, what we believe, and what action we want to take,” he says.

“We’re ready to act as a political force.”

Pivotal moment in Jor’s life highlighted in new biography

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Pivotal moment in Jor's lfie


A new biography of The Park’s first leader highlights a turning point in Jor’s life. The book is scheduled to be released by Prionailurus Press early in the new year.

A new biography of The Park’s first leader highlights a pivotal moment in Jor’s life, and it is a moment for which all residents of The Park will feel gratitude, says the book’s author.

“There was a time, during Jor’s early years, when he wasn’t working toward interspecial harmony, when such pursuits hadn’t even entered his mind,” says Daphne D.S. Katze.

“Up until then [this turning point], he was a regular Cat. And only those very close to him, such as his sister Zoë (also known as ZoëCat), knew what happened that fateful day and how it changed him. He went from being a domestic Cat in pursuit of Feline pleasures, to [being] a champion of all species and a hero to many,” Katze says.

According to its publisher, Prionailurus Press, Katze’s book stands out from all the other biographies of the founder of modern zoocracy because she was given “unfettered access” to his papers, as well as all other documents concerning him, including The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, the now-recovered autobiographical work of his older sister.

“Daphne [Katze] was able to glean so much from that alone. Even without looking at the other material, she would have had a book that tells us more than we have ever known about Jor,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

Katze’s book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, is scheduled to be released early in the new year.

Celebrity Park chef collaborating with others on cookbook

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Tricolore book


Celebrity chef Tab Tricolore has confirmed his participation in an interspecial cookbook. The working title of the book is, “Recipes for a Long Lifespan” and it focuses on longevity through healthy eating.

Tab Tricolore, The Park’s most famous (and infamous) chef, has confirmed that he is collaborating with a group of Park chefs on an interspecial cookbook.

The busy chef and author won the 2013 Chitter Radio Literary Award in non-fiction for “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” a book that is part memoir and part cookbook. Tricolore also owns and runs four restaurants in The Park and is planning to open a fifth (The PurrrBoy Café at the Park Museum) in the near future.

The other five chefs involved in the project hail from different species, but all have one thing in common: they are generally long-lived Animals. Hence, the working title of the book: “Recipes for a Long Lifespan.”

“That title has a double meaning, though,” Tricolore said in an interview recently. “These recipes all come from a fairly long-lived group, but they are also recipes for foods that are good for you. If you use them [the recipes], you can have a longer lifespan, too. But, of course, there are no guarantees,” he warned.

What is guaranteed is that the meals cooked using these recipes will be delicious.

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