The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for December 2023

On This Day—December 22, 2015: DWBS to deliver first “State of Hate in The Park” report early in the new year

By

3 bindersThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it will deliver its report on the state of hate in The Park early in January 2016.

DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo addressed the issue at a press conference this morning.

“It is our duty to report that, as requested by the Archons, the members of our department have completed the task of analyzing the number and severity of incidents of a hateful and/or specist nature that occurred in The Park over the past three years. We will be presenting this report to the Archons before their term ends on January 16,” he said.

The report has been divided into three parts, Kakapo said. The first part will offer a “full analysis” of the incidents that occurred. The second part will focus on the reasons for these acts of hate, while the third part of the report will offer what Kakapo called a “range” of recommendations for reducing—and eventually eliminating—these kinds of incidents.

In their original mandate, the Archons emphasized that the perpetrators of these incidents were a “small minority.” Kakapo said the department had come to the same conclusion, but he acknowledged that The Park had seen its worst year ever in this regard and he cited the arrest of six Animals for stripespotting and the establishment of the SplotchWatch web site as evidence of that.

He concluded the press event by echoing the Archons’ words:

“We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals.”

On This Day—December 21, 2015: Winter Solstice celebrations extended

By

Winter SolsticeThe hours for this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice have been extended.

In a short communiqué this morning, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that the festivities will officially end at 3:00 a.m. December 22. Food stations will remain open until 2:00 a.m. and entertainment will continue until 2:30 a.m.

“Due to the lateness of the solstice itself, which will occur tonight at 11:49 Park Time (4:49 Universal Time), we thought it best to extend the official hours of the celebration,” the communiqué said.

The department confirmed that all restaurants and vendors had agreed to the extension. In addition, Herman Stoat announced an encore performance by his dance company at half past midnight.

On This Day—December 20, 2012: Celebration of the Winter Solstice to begin at sunrise

By

Winter Solstice Celebrations 2013The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has announced the itinerary and lineup for the 2013 Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

At a press conference today, the Department’s director of public relations, Aintza Kanariar, said she was “thrilled” to announce that this year’s festivities will begin at sunrise on December 21, as they did last year.

“This is only the second time in seven years that the Winter Solstice celebrations have begun at sunrise,” she said. “Based on the success of last year’s Celebration and after reviewing the results of a participant survey, we have concluded that sunrise is the most appropriate time to begin.”

The Celebration will incorporate some of the most successful components of last year’s festivities with some “new and innovative” elements, Kanariar said.

Some of The Park’s most popular music makers will perform, including Eggie and The Pigs, The DomEstyx, The Feral Four, Banded Brothers, SponaneousGeneration, The Beasts of Burden and the Endeka Elephant Band. Rapper Jargonhead has confirmed his appearance, as have The Tweeters. And, despite rumours to the contrary, Rapper Will.o.be., who was recently acquitted of charges involving the abuse of an Oak Tree, said through a representative that he is “very much looking forward to providing some of the entertainment at the Winter Solstice Celebration.”

Once again, The Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work, created for the occasion. This year’s dance, choreographed by Stoat himself, will celebrate The Park’s interspecial life. The dance, entitled, “On the Cusp of a Dream,” will feature some of the company’s newest members, including a number of promising non-Mammalian dancers whom Stoat recently recruited.

Other entertainment acts will include jugglers, clowns, and a Human imitator. And, while students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will paint “three-minute portraits” of Solstice celebrants, the Park Historical Society will offer revellers the opportunity to dress up in a variety of costumes and represent Park historical figures.

As always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. This year, The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café will provide the festive fare, while Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

On This Day—December 19, 2015: Faramund Stinktier signs two-book deal with Prionailurus Press

By

Faramund StinktierFaramund Stinktier has signed a lucrative two-book deal with Prionailurus Press.

The Reekabilly star, composer, and the most famous half of the SCENTient Beings duo announced yesterday that he has come to a “very favourable arrangement” with the esteemed Park publisher.

In a separate press release, Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, confirmed the deal.

“Prionailurus Press is pleased to announce that, in keeping with our most recent mandate, we have welcomed Faramund Stinktier to our stable of writers. We look forward to working with him on two books, the first of which will be published in the coming year,” the press release said.

The name of that book, according to the press release, is “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra,” and as its title suggests, it is Stinktier’s memoir.

The singer shocked Park residents when he announced in September that he believed he was always meant to be a Zebra. He made the announcement while a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show. In the few months that have followed, he says, he has experienced “great joy” but also “enormous sorrow” due to his shunning by members of his own and other species.

The publisher’s press release contains no information on the second book, but it is believed to be a book about music.

Prionailurus Press announced last April that it intended to promote the work of The Park’s striped and spotted community and in a brief telephone interview, Yamaneko confirmed that this is the mandate to which she referred in her company’s communiqué.

SCENTient Beings will perform at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

On This Day—December 19, 2013: Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

By

headsNtales logoPopular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

On This Day—December 18, 2014: On the comeback trail, Thisbe takes a moment to say “thank you” to her fans

By

Thisbe Laulaa coverTMD EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Laulaa® Magazine
Although Thisbe needs no introduction in The Park, she says that this time around, she’s determined “to let my fans in as much as possible so they know who I really am.”

As the founder and lead singer of The Park’s most popular group prepares for a comeback tour, she appears more settled and thoughtful than before.

“I didn’t realize how important my fans were to me,” she says in an exclusive interview in Laulaa® Magazine, due out on December 25.

“And I think they deserve a little more than I’ve given them … not in my singing so much, but in my time and thought.”

The singer has had a lot of time for thought the last few years. Since cancelling the group’s farewell tour in 2007, Thisbe has suffered from a variety of illnesses, the worst of which she says was melancholia.

“When I had to stop performing, I thought I would enjoy it. There were so many things I’d never done … so many of my senses I’d never used. But it didn’t turn out to be that way at all. First, I lost one of my littermates. And even though we weren’t exactly close, that loss hit home. It made me focus on what I really wanted and what I wanted to do. I could see that time was of the essence. But it took me a while before I could use that realization to any advantage. And in the meantime, I kept myself isolated, which was the exact opposite of what I had planned,” she says.

The star credits her fans, who never forgot her, with re-awakening her interest in living.

“I never lost my bark but for a while, I lost my bite,” she laughs.

The full interview with Thisbe will appear in Laulaa® Magazine, The Official Magazine of the Canine Music Association, on December 25, 2014. 

On This Day—December 17, 2013: Grooming house offers “Rapper Special” on claw sharpening

By

Amoltrud's Aesthetics

Who says Animals in business have no sense of humour?

Not Amoltrud Poedel. The owner of The Park’s oldest grooming house believes that serious events can have a funny side. And just to prove it, she’s added a seasonal special to the long list of services her salon offers.

“I’m calling it the ‘Rapper Special’ and we’re offering it at half price, this week only,” she laughs. “It’s our full claw sharpening treatment…but we do it extra-carefully, so that all that nasty bark won’t get caught in your claws.”

The reference, of course, is to the trial of Rapper Will.o.be., who was acquitted yesterday after being charged with, among other things, sharpening his claws on a precious Park Oak Tree.

Poedel won’t say whether she harbours doubts about his innocence, but she’s clearly not against taking advantage of the doubts of many other Park citizens.

But, she says, “It’s all in good fun. I’m hoping he’ll come in for a sharpening or, at least, write our next jingle for us. Something snappy, with a bit of a bite and a bark to it, maybe.”

On This Day—December, 16, 2014: SplotchWatch web site a dangerous sign of the times, say Park Police

By

SplotchWatchThe web site, called “SplotchWatch,” has been under surveillance “for a few months now,” according to Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU).

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” he says. “It’s a dangerous sign of the times.”

The owner and operator of the site, whose name police will not reveal at this time, believes it is in the interest of “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

“The owner of the site seems to believe that there is something intrinsically dishonest about that [stripe or spot removal] and his mission is to ensure that all Park Animals are made aware of this form of deception,” Addax says.

Police will continue to watch activity on the site and assess the effect it may or may not be having on Park life.

“If we see that the site is inducing hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals, we will move in swiftly,” he says.

Otherwise, the operator of the web site is acting within his rights.

“He [the site’s owner] is walking a fine line here,” says Addax. “And we hope he realizes it.”

On This Day—December 15, 2012: WatchDog group warns of impending newspaper war

By

The Park may soon become the battleground in a major newspaper war.

That is the opinion of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), a group that monitors changes in Park media policy.

“The Park’s media are gearing up for a significant scuffle, if not an all-out war,” said the Centre’s Executive Director, Noburu Akita, at a policy conference held in conjunction with the publication of the group’s semi-annual SNAPshot report.

The report, which was released at the beginning of January, cited a number of key factors that led the group to conclude that a serious war of the “word worlds” was in the offing.

Among the most significant of these, according to C-SNAP, is a change in editorial policy at a number of Park publications.

“We have seen this demonstrated most notably at The Insect Intelligencer, The Rodent Commoner, The Eagle Star, and at The Mammalian Daily, with the introduction of their undercover reporting,” Akita said.

Each of these newspapers has added investigative reporting to its regular news coverage. The Insect Intelligencer added six investigative journalists to its roster in order to service its now regular “Fly on the Wall” feature, while The Mammalian Daily is planning to use four of its senior journalists on a rotating basis to fill its investigative positions.

The SNAPshot report cited several significant changes at The Mammalian Daily which, it said, could signal the newspaper’s intent to do battle openly against its rivals. In response to recent criticism by the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN), for instance, The Mammalian Daily released the names and photographs of some of its higher-ranking journalists. Their bylines, however, still do not appear in the paper. The report also noted that The Mammalian Daily has gradually changed its focus by “casting an eye toward the world outside The Park.”

“Considerable space has been devoted, not only to events, but to the opinions and reactions of those who live outside The Park. Some of the stories that have been reported have had the outside world and, specifically, the Human world, as their focus,” the report said.

In addition, the watchDog group says that it has detected a sizeable increase in advertising revenues derived from non-Mammalian businesses and services. This increase, the group feels, may reflect a change in the definition of The Mammalian Daily’s target market.

“We believe that TMD may be directing some of its advertising and content at the non-Mammalian members of The Park, namely the Avian, Amphibian, Reptilian, and Insect population, in order to secure its position as [The Park’s] official newspaper,” Akita said.

Other factors predictive of “war,” according to C-SNAP, are a series of “strategic defections” of key staff members across the medium’s spectrum, and the high number of influential journalists who have “shifted position” in the last few months.

“Position shifting,” Akita explained, is Park media-speak for a change that involves not only employment, but editorial outlook, as well.

“Journalists move from paper to paper and, sometimes, from medium to medium. There is nothing intrinsically significant in that. What is significant in these changes is that reporters moved from a paper with one political outlook to another with a distinctly different political viewpoint. Some even moved to a paper that serviced another species, altogether. This openness to courting from other journals demonstrates that the reporters’ politics and species identification might have taken a backseat to a strong desire for change.”

Akita specifically noted the late December departure of Mammalian Daily star reporter, Anselm Alpaca, who now writes for The Equine Echo, and of the Galliformes Gazette’s Hamilton Snowcock, who was rumoured to have been wooed by a number of publications until he finally came to roost at The Canary Courier.

This article originally appeared in Issue #117 of The Mammalian Daily.

On This Day—December 14, 2012: Mammalian Daily editorial policies criticized by rival Park newspapers

By

The Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN), whose members include The Mollusk Messenger, The Canary Courier, The Insect Intelligencer, The Halibut Herald, and The Salamander Evening Post, has formally criticized the editorial policies of The Mammalian Daily.

At a media conference held this month at the University of West Terrier’s prestigious Cuthbert School of Journalism, a group of ANMPN editors expressed concern about certain aspects of The Mammalian Daily’s editorial guidelines.

“After examining the newspaper’s [editorial] policies, we have concluded that The Mammalian Daily falls short of its mandate to be The Park’s official newspaper. We recommend that steps be taken immediately to make the newspaper more inclusive and, thus, make it more representative of The Park’s population as a whole.” said Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and Executive Director of the Association.

ANMPN members were unanimously critical of the newspaper’s official policy of anonymous reporting which, the Association said, allowed Mammalian Daily journalists to “hide behind their species.”

“Unless a writer’s species is declared,” said Tarrance Turkey, Deputy News Editor at The Galliforme Gazette and an ANMPN founding member, “readers have no way of knowing what that writer’s bias is in reporting.”

The Mammalian Daily drew further criticism for what the Association deemed a “pro- Human slant” in its coverage of events outside The Park, and for its limited reporting of news and events of a non-Mammalian nature.

“Even though my community participates fully in Park affairs, I find only on rare occasions do we receive the amount of attention that we deserve,” said Senior Finance Reporter Antoinette Anhima of The Avian Messenger.

While these criticisms reflected the common sentiment among rival Park publications, others expressed a more positive view of The Mammalian Daily.

Speaking at the conference’s concluding dinner, UWT Professor Ludwiga Saimiri, said she found much to commend in The Mammalian Daily. The distinguished scholar is the former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ).

She praised the paper for its forward-thinking policies, supporting its stand against the frivolous use of descriptive terms in its newspaper.

“Neither fur nor feather colour is to be reported, nor family, political, or financial status, unless it is germane to the story,” she said, quoting from The Mammalian Daily’s 25 AZ Statement of Editorial Intent.

“Too many Park publications indulge in ‘Werturteilfreude,’ she said, explaining the term that she has coined to mean “joy obtained from the making of a value judgement.”

“These judgements, made by reporters and editors, masquerade as descriptive terms in the [other] papers’ headlines and stories. But they are unfair, often unfounded, and have no place in responsible journalism,” she declared.

As for the newspaper’s supposed pro-Human slant, Professor Saimiri was sanguine about Humans and the role they play in Park affairs.

“We could do worse than attempt to present a balanced view of the Human world,” she said.

This article originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!