The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for March 2024

OTD in 2015—SuperGoof! comic plans June launch

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SuperGoof graphicIt’s not a drone. It’s not a puppet. It’s not even a toy.

It’s SuperGoof!, a new comic series that’s set to launch this coming June and which may prove to be the most powerful weapon in The Park’s anti-enforced domestication arsenal.

Conceived and produced by Anastazja Koci, an alumna of the Hani Gajah School of Art, the project was supported in part by the Founding Families Financial Corporation, in association with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

“We are always on the lookout for new ways to warn Animals about the dangers of enforced domestication,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“When Anastazja brought this to us, we hopped on board right away.”

The series chronicles the lives of two Domestic Animals: one Feline and one Canine, also known as the “SuperGoofs.”

The first book shows them in their formative years, learning “the tricks of the trade,” as the Canine puts it.

“In the first book, the Animals have no names,” Koci explains. “When they are addressed, it’s with terms of endearment…’Sweetie,’ ‘Precious,” that sort of thing. They have no identity outside of their rôles as pets.”

One of the most important lessons that comes from the first book is that Domestic Animals are not free to be themselves.

“It was a difficult choice to make, but I thought it was important to illustrate that the life of a Domestic Animal is not the true life of an Animal. I want to show Park Animals what it’s like not to be allowed to find your own food, to express your own personality, to make your own friends,” Koci says.

While she says the food issue was the most important to her, the title of the series says far more about the project as a whole.

“I’ve often been asked, ‘Why SuperGoofs?’ It’s hard to explain if you’ve never been in a Human household,” says Koci, who spent two years as a pet before moving to The Park.

“Humans like to be entertained by Animals. They like to be made to laugh. If an Animal wants to be fed, have a warm bed and be protected from the elements, she’d better make herself entertaining and snuggly. And research has shown that being ‘goofy’ and pretending to be not so bright can go a long way with Humans.”

The DWBS’s Kakapo says he thinks the project’s launch this year is a particularly timely one.

“After such a hard Winter, Animals might be thinking that it’s easier to succumb to domestication and a life with Humans. I think SuperGoofs! will go a long way toward convincing them otherwise,” he says.

The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month runs from 1-30 June.

OTD in 2013—Hospital braces for flood of Tulip-Related Illness victims

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With Tulip season about to begin, workers at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm are preparing for long days, overnight stays, and time spent away from their families.

“It’s going to be difficult, but we’ve got the staff and supplies in place to do it and we believe we’re ready for whatever comes at us,” says head nurse Hermione Hippo.

The hospital has been preparing for a busy Spring since the end of November, when the 2013 Tulip Map was recalled. Officially known as the “Map of Tulip and other Bulb Beds in The Park and Environs,” the map is produced annually by The Park’s hibernating associations and is used in the Spring by a large number of The Park’s residents as a tool for sourcing food.

The discovery by the map’s producers of the presence of toxic substances in the bulbs’ planting areas meant that the map would be unsafe for use this Spring. Unfortunately, its subsequent recall came too late for the majority of The Park’s hibernators and doctors fear that even the Department of Well-Being and Safety’s public service campaign will not be sufficient to stem the tide of devastation due to Tulip-Related Illness (TRI).

“We’ve already treated a large number of Animals who presented with the signs and symptoms of TRI,” says Dr. Nuo Dingas, the hospital’s chief clinical toxicologist. “And they were the early risers, a small minority of our hibernating population. We are gearing up for an onslaught now that Spring has arrived,” he said.

TRI is not new to The Park, Dr. Dingas says. But, until recently, we have been able to keep it at bay.

“It is impossible to predict with one hundred per cent accuracy the location of all toxins inside and outside The Park so, of course, Animals have been affected in the past. But not nearly as many as we expect to see this year, and not just because of the map failure,” he says.

Symptoms of TRI include dizziness, fever, intestinal upset, vomiting, and seizures. If you experience any of these symptoms after visiting bulb beds, Dr. Dingas says, you should seek medical attention immediately.

“My best advice, though, is to forego Tulips this year, and stay away from bulb beds altogether,” he says.

For more information on Tulip-Related Illness, please consult The Department of Well-Being and Safety pamphlet, “What you should know about Tulip-Related Illness.” 

OTD in 2016—PMoCA announces 2016 live art installation, “Anatomy of a Bath”

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Anatomy of a BathThe Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) has revealed the details of its fourth annual art installation.

At a press conference held this afternoon, Aulikki Norsu, president of the museum’s board of directors and head curator Aamuun Maroodiga announced the museum will unveil its latest installation at the beginning of May.

Entitled, “Anatomy of a Bath,” the installation is the second live art installation the museum has hosted. The first was the wildly successful, “How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?” which was presented in 2013 by then PMoCA curator Dorika Pumi.

As Pumi did with “Doggie,” Maroodiga recruited Animals from The Park’s refugee communities, as well as from charities, including CatsCare, LynxLink, and EQUALSS, to staff the twenty-four hour exhibit. The Animals will be presented in groups of six and each individual will be showcased for ten minutes every hour during a shift of six hours. So far, Maroodiga has recruited four full-time groups and one back-up group but interviews are ongoing.

“We have to be prepared, once we open,” she says. “Once they see what we’re doing, more Animals will want to join in and others will tire of the work. I expect we’ll be hiring throughout the life of the exhibit.”

Details of the gala opening are expected to be released within a week.

OTD in 2013—Threats force 2013 POPS to flee to “undisclosed location”

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Bastiaan Groundhog, the zoocratically-elected 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) has been removed from his burrow and will remain at an “undisclosed location” for an extended period of time, his handlers said today.

At a hastily scheduled press event, spokesAnimals for the 2013 POPS confirmed that threats made on the Groundhog’s life were the reason for the hasty exit from his burrow.

“On seventeen separate occasions, Bastiaan Groundhog, Park Animals’ choice for 2013 POPS, has received threats against his life,” said Klazina Woodchuck, one of the Groundhog’s handlers.

The threats began late in February and continued until a few days ago, Woodchuck said. It is believed that they were brought on by the slow growth of vegetation in The Park and the unseasonably cold temperatures and grey skies. The 2013 POPS had predicted an early Spring on Groundhog Day. The threats imply that the Groundhog either deliberately lied to the public or that he misrepresented his prognostication abilities. In either case, whoever is making the threats believes the POPS to be personally responsible, in some way, for the delay in Spring’s arrival.

“The threats carry strong wording and we are taking them very seriously,” said Park police spokesAnimal Serge Malinois, who also attended the press event.

And while Malinois was tight-lipped about the possible perpetrators of the threats, he did confirm that Park police had a number of suspects under investigation.

“All I can tell you at this point is that our list of suspects is a long one,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Striped and spotted Animals at risk of psychological illness: new study

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The tiger in the mirrorA new study out of the University of West Terrier suggests that The Park’s striped and spotted Animals are at risk of psychological illness and the consequences thereof.

In a paper scheduled for publication in the May issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP), researchers say that striped and spotted Animals are at risk of developing a kind of “self-loathing” that, among other things, does not bode well for the survival of their species.

“Our findings were quite disturbing,” says the study’s lead researcher, psychology professor Dr. Luule Aednik.

“We looked at a number of different behavioural patterns and along with other physical evidence, they suggest that there is an increased incidence of certain types of difficulties in striped and spotted Park residents,” she says.

Those difficulties include depression and its manifestations, anger, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and various kinds of identity issues.

“In addition to these very serious conditions, what we are seeing more of in the [striped and spotted] population is a kind of psychological lethargy, brought on, we believe, by the stress of living among those who do not consider them to be equal.”

It has been well-documented that striped and spotted Animals have more problems securing decent employment than other Animals in The Park. Aednik says that facing that kind discrimination may be leading to an actual drop in the population.

“This psychological lethargy, we believe, is manifesting itself in the area of reproduction,” she says.

“Based on external statistics, we know that the number of striped and spotted Animals attending the annual Mating Dance, for instance, has dropped substantially over the past five years. And our interview subjects expressed a kind of hopelessness with regard to establishing a family. They openly admitted to feelings of unworthiness and lamented their economic insecurity. If this goes unchecked, we believe this could have a dire effect on The Park’s population.”

OTD in 2017—Archons, DWBS condemn “Cultivate Cuteness” campaign

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cuteness-postersThe Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) have issued a warning about a new campaign that has taken hold in The Park.

At a press conference early this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, condemned “in no uncertain terms” the campaign that advises Park Animals to “cultivate cuteness” in order to make themselves attractive to Humans.

“No matter what challenges we face in The Park, selling ourselves to Humans is not the solution,” Alouatta said. “We condemn in no uncertain terms this campaign that undermines our efforts to bring about fairness and equality for all. We are committed to Animal self-rule and we will not back down from it, even in the face of economic challenges and interspecial disharmony.”

The DWBS also had a warning for the campaign’s organizers:

“We will remain vigilant against your anti-zoocratic efforts and we will not hesitate to prosecute should any of The Park’s laws be broken,” Kakapo said.

OTD in 2018—Is your spell check software specist?

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As Park residents continue to embrace Human-made technology (HMT), experts have voiced concern about its psychological effects on Animals.

At a two-day conference at the University of West Terrier this past week, faculty members from the Torgeir School of Information Technology and the Departments of Psychology and Interspecial Studies discussed a variety of problems related specifically to language found in software used for word processing, texting, and email.

“The problem with much of the software, particularly with tools such as spell check and autocorrect, is that it still is not configured to deal with many of the nuances of Animal life,” technology expert Llewellyn Fox told the conference attendees.

Fox is an adjunct professor of technology at the University of West Terrier and president of the computer consulting company Quick Brown Fox Technologies, S.A.

Citing examples from his bestselling book, “The Lazy Dog’s Guide to Technology,” Fox lamented the dearth of Animal-appropriate software and laid the blame for many of our youth’s problems—including low self-esteem—on the species that developed it.

“The problem is that certain features of the applications, which have been designed by and for Humans, are what he termed “Humano-centric.”

“Their core functions appear to be trans-special,” he emphasized, “and, as such, they are easy for the average Animal to use, but this is deceiving.” The trouble occurs, he said, when some of the applications’ tools are used.

As an example, Fox pointed to what he considers a glitch in spell check and autocorrect, tools that are used in word processing and, more importantly, in texting and email functions: “No matter what species you key in, the word processor supplies the initial letter in the lower case. This, as we know, is the grammar of Humans, but it is not the grammar of Animals.”

“Some Animals might not see this as anything more than a nuisance,” he admitted. And, of course, the software can be set to change a lower case Animal name to an upper case one manually.

But the problem is less a practical one and more a matter of attitude, he told the academic gathering. And his colleagues seemed to agree.

“It’s not just a matter of a capital letter here or there. This is but one small example. Our young are now being raised on this software, and already they’ve started to write the way Humans do—partly because it takes less effort to let the software dictate the way you express yourself.”

Additional areas of concern that Fox discussed at the gathering were the dictionary and several other language tools. These functions, he said, provide the user’s vocabulary.

“It’s not so much a problem with the words that the software does supply,” he emphasized. “My complaint is that Animals are likely to be told by this software that the words they key in—that they use in everyday speech and writing—do not exist.”

Fox is not alone in being wary of Human software. Several newspapers in The Park, including The Mammalian Daily, have successfully negotiated with software companies to offer a choice of different Animal dictionaries in their word processing software. But not all Animals are even aware they have a choice.

“We tend to use what’s put in front of us and that soon becomes the norm. It becomes all that we know,” Fox said.

OTD in 2014—Weather Office to Polar Bear Poetry Picnickers: prepare for a soggy bottom

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Varied weatherThe Park Weather Office has issued a warning to those who plan to attend this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: prepare for a soggy bottom.

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with record amounts of precipitation and a delayed thaw, have conspired to leave The Park a mushy mess,” the PWO said in a press statement released this morning.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, at a press conference today.

“Last year, with all the protests in The Park, we thought we’d have to protect ourselves. This year, it looks like it’s the poetry we’ll have to protect — from the elements,” he laughed.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving his second year of a three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by the weather.

“We have a group of wonderful poets lined up and a wonderful audience. My guess is they won’t give the weather a second thought,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Conspiracy theory or fact? Developers blame app failures on weather makers

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squirrel-with-gpsThe Park’s technology companies have launched the latest salvo in their ongoing war with weather makers and food growers.

In a full-page statement published today in most major newspapers, SINCAP and GVC De-Techt, two of The Park’s largest technology companies, accused the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) of manipulating the weather so as to render their food apps unreliable.

According to the statement, over the past two weeks, the food apps known as Bulb Beacon and TulipTracker have been unable to determine accurately the location of Spring bulbs. Their makers claim the WMPSAP deliberately purchased weather last year so as to undermine the reliability of their products and the trust of the companies’ customers.

“It is our belief that the members of the WMPSAP took it upon themselves to purchase weather for late Winter/early Spring that would confound our food-finding applications and thus undermine our business,” says the statement which is signed by SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava and GVC De-Techt CEO R.A. Vole.

The statement goes on to accuse the WMPSAP of colluding with the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) to bring down the technology that both groups feel is a threat to their existence.

“It appears that our inability to come to an agreement regarding our rôles in the production and procurement of food in The Park has led both these groups to take aggressive action against us. We call on them to cease this illegal activity immediately,” the statement concludes.

Neither the WMPSAP nor the SCPCPGF has responded to the statement.

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site TikTekTok, says both companies have been “swamped” by complaints from customers who purchased the apps last year.

“Most of the complaints are that the apps have turned up nothing,” Tapir says. “But some are more concerning, in that purchasers have been led astray, into some dangerous areas outside The Park. Whatever the cause, these problems need to be addressed immediately.”

OTD in 2016—New director brings big changes to annual Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic

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K.N. Polar BearFirst, it was haiku. Now, it’s rap.

“The Picnic has to change. How else can it grow?” says its chief organizer, Kumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear.

Nanuq, who took over this year from Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, has a long-term plan for the Picnic. And rap is just the beginning.

“I reached out to Jargonhead first. I said we need you to come on board this year. And he didn’t hesitate. But not only did he not hesitate, he stepped up and brought us Will.o.be., GCH…even the Tweeters. He was amazing.”

A very grateful Nanuq gave them free rein, so he has no idea what they will perform.

“The only thing I told them…I said I love your music, but this is still a poetry festival, so maybe tone it down a bit,” he says.

But rap isn’t the only change attendees will see this Sunday.

“Not everything is different, but most of it is,” Nanuq says. “We’ve kept the best of our traditions but we’ve thrown out everything else.”

Still, there’s one thing Nanuq admits he has no control over: the weather. According to the forecast, Sunday’s event will be a pretty chilly one.

“There is the risk of frozen nose syndrome, but we hope there’ll be plenty to keep you warm enough to avoid it,” he says.

The Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic, which is in its 21st year, will begin at 10:00 a.m. Park time on Sunday, March 20.

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