The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Domestic Animals have no control over their estates: UWT study

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dog-toysAt a time when Park residents are amassing greater amounts of wealth and material goods, a new study shows that Animals who live outside The Park have no legal control over their possessions during their lifetime and even afterwards.

The study, out of the University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law, shows that ninety-nine percent of Animals who live in domestic situations with Humans have to relinquish control of their possessions—including toys, food, beds, clothing and other accoutrements, and even trophies and awards—after they die and, in some cases, even before that.

The study was conducted by UWT Law Professor Fionnula Fox and a team of Chittenden research assistants. After extensive and multiple interviews with three thousand, five hundred domestic Animals of seventeen different species, the researchers concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions during or after their lifetime, even if those possessions had been purchased or won by the Animals themselves.

“It is a dismal situation for the domestics,” says Fox, an expert in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“We heard the same stories, over and over, from these poor creatures, some of whom had to witness their own possessions being handed over to other Animals right in front of them. Others told of witnessing the dying wishes of their friends and families ignored by Humans, sometimes resulting in the very possessions they had most treasured becoming trash,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

The conclusions drawn from these heartbreaking interviews will be published in the Journal of Extra-Hortulanial Law (JEHL) in June, coincidentally the same month that The Park has designated as Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

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Wednesday Rewind: Controversial new “game” lets Animals experience capture, domestication

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Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 23 October 2014 

A new game that bills itself as “the extreme Animal experience” is being criticized by many, including some of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

The game, which is called Kokemus!, was created by KartalTechSolutions, S.A. in association with Geoffrrey’s Cat Entertainment. This is the first time that Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment, best known for their award-winning film, Black Cats Can’t Jump, has ventured outside the world of film.

In a statement released today, leaders of the majority of The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid groups came down hard on the game, saying it “traumatized the young, caused and promoted fear, and made light of the real experiences suffered by Park Animals.”

Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers, a group that assists formerly domestic Canines, called the game “despicable” and suggested that it be outlawed as soon as possible.

“If the creators of this game knew anything about the situations they depict as fictional, they would never have produced such a thing. It is an insult to any Animal who has survived enforced domestication,” he said.

Inez Gallina, President of Home to Roost, echoed Deerhound’s sentiments this morning in an interview on CLucK Radio.

“They [the creators] must be heartless to suggest that it’s fun to put Animals through the kind of trauma that we see every day,” she said.

But Talia Katsikas, Founder and Director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company, praised the game.

“Anything that raises awareness of the plight of those who have experienced enforced domestication or suffered the pain and loneliness of immigration, is a positive thing, in my view. The more they play that game, the greater will be their understanding of many of our fellow citizens. We should all welcome any opportunity to spend some time in another Animal’s coat,” she said.

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Park Museum’s EDAM Gala sells out

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GALA TICKET final

If you were thinking of buying a ticket to tonight’s gala celebration of Holstein Fashion’s EDAM Collection, The Park Museum has some bad news for you: the event has sold out.

The Board of Governors made the announcement on the museum’s web site yesterday. But if you still have your heart set on attending, you have one last chance to obtain a ticket: according to the web announcement, any returned tickets will be sold at the museum’s entrance at 6:00 p.m. The event begins at 8:00 p.m.

Read the full announcement here.

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EDAM statistics show how economy affects Animals’ view of domestication

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EDAM statsIt’s been almost a month since Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) wrapped up and the statistics are now in.[pullquote]Animals are tired and they have a fairytale view of the domestic world, replete with an abundance of food, cozy beds, and non-stop playtime. That’s the view that Humans have given us but it isn’t the reality.”—Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, Park psychotherapist [/pullquote]

In a short statement that accompanied their release this morning, the Departments of Well-Being and Safety and Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations expressed their “heartfelt gratitude to all who participated in the event, and especially to those who worked tirelessly to make it the most comprehensive and inclusive EDAM so far.”

According to the statistics, attendance at the event was up by twenty-seven per cent, with attendee satisfaction at an all-time high.

But there is one statistic that is alarming: thirty-eight per cent of Animals who answered the exit survey said they thought domestication wasn’t always a bad thing. That number is up significantly from last year’s twenty-two per cent and experts believe it reflects our economic struggles.

“Animals are tired,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic. “I think we underestimate the work that is involved in zoocracy and the toll that looking after ourselves takes.”

Dr. Gibbon says it’s “only natural” that the fantasy of domestication would, from time to time, appeal to Park Animals.

“They have a fairytale view of the domestic world, replete with an abundance of food, cozy beds, and non-stop playtime. That’s the view that Humans have given us but it isn’t the reality,” she says.

Despite domesticity’s occasional appeal, Dr. Gibbon doesn’t believe Park Animals would either seek it out or allow themselves to be domesticated.

“Park Animals are smarter than that. I have faith in Park Animals,” she says.

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Park Museum to present Holstein Fashion’s EDAM Collection

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Penguin in Holstein Fashion outfit

From Holstein Fashion’s EDAM Collection: “Spots and Stripes Forever”

The Park Museum announced today that it is collaborating with Holstein Fashion to present the company’s EDAM Collection as part of a new exhibition.

In a post on the museum’s web site, the Board of Governors said Dorika Pumi, head curator of the museum’s art gallery, will work closely with Holstein Fashion and Designs by Holstein to present the fashion house’s creations “in context.”

Entitled, Creations from the EDAM Collection, the exhibition “will shine a light on the plight of those who experience enforced domestication,” the post says.

The designs of the EDAM Collection were commissioned exclusively for The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. The creations will be showcased with written commentary and the museum plans to invite experts in the field of enforced domestication, extinction anxiety, and interspecial relations to conduct seminars and Q & A sessions during the exhibition.

According to the web post, Creations from the EDAM Collection will open on August 1, 2016.

To read the full announcement, click here.

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Designs by Holstein fashion show will highlight perils of domestication

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Holstein FashionDesigns by Holstein announced today that it will host a fashion show during The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

At a press event this morning, company president and CEO Balbina Ko confirmed that she had been in talks for the past year with the Archons, the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations about her company’s participation in the event.

“They were enthusiastic but didn’t at first understand how our company could fit in with their theme,” she admitted.

Ko assured them the show would not be an advertisement for her business but would, instead, highlight the perils of domestication for all Animals.

“We put our company’s best and most forward-thinking designers on this project and none of the items in the show is for sale. That was a decision we made in August,” Ko said, even though plans for their participation were only finalized in March.

“As you can see, we are optimists,” Ko laughed. “And we are honoured to be able to share that optimism with the rest of The Park during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.”

The fashion show will run twice during the month-long awareness event. And while the show will be free of charge, Ko said said she hopes all attendees will consider making a donation to EQUALSS, the charity established by Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein. EQUALSS supports the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park.

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DWBS issues warning to Animals regarding Humans vacationing in Park

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DWBS capture warning

Don’t get caught this Summer! Stay clear of Humans vacationing in The Park

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its first-ever Summer security alert.

In a communiqué released this morning, the DWBS informs Animals of the increased risk of capture by Humans vacationing in The Park this Summer.

“We have estimated the level of risk to be high to very high for the Summer of 2015,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo says in the communiqué.

“Due to recent economic challenges in the Human world, many have chosen to spend their vacations close to home. This means that we can expect to see an increase in the number of Humans vacationing in The Park during the month of August. Although this is beneficial to The Park’s economy, it can also present problems. For this reason, we advise Park Animals to be alert at all times when dealing with Humans,” the communiqué warns.

Kakapo says the alert applies to all Park Animals, including those in the tourist industry, business owners, restaurateurs, groomers, artists, and musicians.

“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during vacations and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” Kakapo says.

There are, however, a number of precautionary measures that Animals can take in order to keep themselves safe and free from capture. These include dealing with Humans in a “professional” manner, refraining from befriending Human children, refusing all invitations to enter vehicles, especially large ones such as vans and SUVs, and refusing any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.

“Remember,” Kakapo says, “Humans may not mean to do harm but neither do they have your best interests at heart.”

Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427

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Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: Schedule of Events released

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Enforced Domestication 1The 2015 Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, have released the official schedule of events for Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.[pullquote]I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin.—Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo [/pullquote]

In a short speech this morning during which she declared the event open, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo seemed visibly moved as she spoke of her pride in the growth of the month-long event.

“This is only our third Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, yet we have seen such an increase not only in our awareness, but in our willingness to talk about this issue. I take great pride in my involvement and I want to say that I am proud and humbled by our formerly domesticated citizens, whose bravery in discussing the reality of their lives inspires me every day of every month.

I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin,” she said.

This year’s events have expanded in number and location to include several Park art galleries, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and most Park shops and grooming houses.

The official schedule of events will be posted at the law courts, the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and at all Park shops. The Mammalian Daily will also issue a pullout printed version, as well as posting the schedule online.

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SuperGoof! comic plans June launch

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SuperGoof graphic

SuperGoof! comic book will launch in June during The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

It’s not a drone. It’s not a puppet. It’s not even a toy.

It’s SuperGoof!, a new comic series that’s set to launch this coming June and which may prove to be the most powerful weapon in The Park’s anti-enforced domestication arsenal.

Conceived and produced by Anastazja Koci, an alumna of the Hani Gajah School of Art, the project was supported in part by the Founding Families Financial Corporation, in association with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).[pullquote]I want to show Park Animals what it’s like not to be allowed to find your own food, to express your own personality, to make your own friends.—SuperGoofs! creator Anastazja Koci[/pullquote]

“We are always on the lookout for new ways to warn Animals about the dangers of enforced domestication,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“When Anastazja brought this to us, we hopped on board right away.”

The series chronicles the lives of two Domestic Animals: one Feline and one Canine, also known as the “SuperGoofs.”

The first book shows them in their formative years, learning “the tricks of the trade,” as the Canine puts it.

“In the first book, the Animals have no names,” Koci explains. “When they are addressed, it’s with terms of endearment…’Sweetie,’ ‘Precious,” that sort of thing. They have no identity outside of their rôles as pets.”

One of the most important lessons that comes from the first book is that Domestic Animals are not free to be themselves.

“It was a difficult choice to make, but I thought it was important to illustrate that the life of a Domestic Animal is not the true life of an Animal. I want to show Park Animals what it’s like not to be allowed to find your own food, to express your own personality, to make your own friends,” Koci says.

While she says the food issue was the most important to her, the title of the series says far more about the project as a whole.

“I’ve often been asked, ‘Why SuperGoofs?’ It’s hard to explain if you’ve never been in a Human household,” says Koci, who spent two years as a pet before moving to The Park.

“Humans like to be entertained by Animals. They like to be made to laugh. If an Animal wants to be fed, have a warm bed and be protected from the elements, she’d better make herself entertaining and snuggly. And research has shown that being ‘goofy’ and pretending to be not so bright can go a long way with Humans.”

The DWBS’s Kakapo says he thinks the project’s launch this year is a particularly timely one.

“After such a hard Winter, Animals might be thinking that it’s easier to succumb to domestication and a life with Humans. I think SuperGoofs! will go a long way toward convincing them otherwise,” he says.

The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month runs from 1-30 June.

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