The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

WMPSAP shuts down Kuttu scheme to import weather for Agrarian Jubilee

By

WeathermakersBREAKING NEWS: Less than a week before the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park has averted what its leaders are calling a “disaster for the ages.”

At an emotional press conference this morning, WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear revealed that early last week, she and the leader of another Park environmental group (whom she declined to name) were made aware of Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu’s plan to import weather from outside The Park in time for the Jubilee.

“In so many ways, this would have been a disaster—environmentally, economically, and socially, ” Sun Bear said, as she recounted her initial shock and then outlined her now successful plan to stop the importation.

“With all due respect to the Chief Archon, she does not, in our opinion, have the expertise to make any kind of weather selection or purchase, especially in haste,” Sun Bear said. “We have no idea what kind of harm could come to us from the ingredients in that weather.”

Immediately after Sun Bear got wind of the scheme, she rallied members of The Park’s environmental groups, including Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers, Skunks Against Gunk, and Skunks Über Vehicles (SUV) and they made a surprise visit to Kuttu.

Although Sun Bear did not elaborate on what she called the “heated exchange” that followed the ambush, she said they made it clear to Kuttu that Park citizens would not stand for weather purchases made by the ill-informed.

“We don’t doubt that our Chief Archon had good intentions,” Sun Bear said, acknowledging that recent weather patterns made it look as if it would be too cold to enjoy the outdoor event fully. “But damage to The Park is not mitigated by good intent. And, in our opinion, the environment comes before the economy and before our enjoyment.”

Park Weather Makers make impassioned plea at Agrarian Jubilee

By

Weather Makers

Logo of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park

It was impromptu and it was impassioned.[pullquote]By supporting your local weather makers, you support The Park’s cultivators and growers and ensure the best food supply to Park residents, which, in turn, ensures a better, more secure, and more prosperous life for all.—WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear [/pullquote]

Between sets by Eggie and The Pigs at Saturday’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, Kalliope Sun Bear, president  of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), took to the stage, grabbed the microphone from its stand, and uttered a heartfelt plea to the powers that be (i.e., the Park Finance Officers):

“We have seen the results of the faulty decision-making by the Park Finance Office over the past several years: the purchase of weather from outside The Park; the export of better weather produced by our own members; the resultant food shortages and increasing reliance on the importing of necessities, including food; the support of initiatives such as tourism, that have a detrimental effect on life in The Park…the list goes on.

I implore you to take a step back in order to ensure a better future for The Park and its citizens. By supporting your local weather makers, you support The Park’s cultivators and growers and ensure the best food supply to Park residents, which, in turn, ensures a better, more secure, and more prosperous life for all,” she said.

Her plea comes at a crucial time: just last week, Valentina Abeja, the new head of the Park Finance Office, announced that she would present the 2016 budget on August 1. That leaves a substantial amount of time, Sun Bear believes, to rethink our weather policy and to adjust the figures in its favour.

“I hadn’t at all planned on saying anything at the Jubilee. It’s traditionally a time of celebration, of looking forward toward the new growing season and the coming bounty. But I looked out at the crowd and I saw all the [members of] Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers and I thought, ‘Something has to be said on their behalf.’ I can’t look at them and not feel their fear…their insecurity. It seemed like a great place to start a discussion, with such a massive turnout,” Sun Bear said in an interview after her speech.

“I know the crowd was with me. I just hope the Finance Office heard us, too,” she said.

“Mongoose Summers” threaten Park life: coalition

By

Another mongoose summer

“Mongoose Summers” are a threat to our way of life, Animals say

A series of “Mongoose Summers“ is threatening our way of life in The Park, say the members of a coalition that has formed to fight for better weather.

The coalition, which is made up of the members of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), says that Park weather finally reached a crisis point this Summer.

“There’s no turning back. We have to do something right now or our population will not be able to feed or house itself within a decade,” declared A.P. Civet, of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

In an interview with Mammalian Daily Radio,  Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), confirmed that she has scheduled a meeting with Chief Archon Buckminster Moose on July 22.

“Our coalition will be putting together a statement…an ultimatum of sorts,” she said. “We are going to petition the Chief Archon to have the Archons take over the weather budget from the Park Finance Office. In our considered opinion, the PFO is not fit to make decisions regarding the purchase of weather,” she said.

The Park’s weather has been a contentious issue for some years now, ever since the Park Finance Office, in an effort to conserve funds, made the decision to purchase weather from outside The Park.

“From day one, that weather was of inferior quality,” Sun Bear said in the interview.

“And the result has been that what we didn’t spend on weather we paid dearly for in reduced crops and damage to our abodes. And that has to end right now.”

Prediction’s accuracy “bittersweet for me,” says 2014 POPS Solange Marmotte

By

Solange Marmotte

Solange Marmotte,
2014 POPS

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

It’s been almost seven weeks since Groundhog Day, when Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), emerged from her burrow, saw her shadow, and predicted six more weeks of Winter.[pullquote] It doesn’t feel like a victory or even a vindication. For me, it is bittersweet. — Solange Marmotte, on the accuracy of her 2014 Groundhog Day prediction[/pullquote]

With temperatures hovering well below the freezing mark and Spring expected to arrive a month late, it would appear that Marmotte’s prediction was accurate. In fact, according to the Park Weather Office, it is the most accurate prediction made by a POPS since 2007.

That ought to make Marmotte a happy Mammal, but that is not what our reporter found when he accepted her invitation to join her for lunch yesterday at her burrow.

Marmotte, whose prediction is the subject of a lawsuit, appeared tired and even a bit distraught when she greeted our reporter at the entrance to her burrow.

At 9 years of age, she is one of the oldest Animals to hold the position of POPS, but she is in excellent health and maintains a positive outlook. Still, it is apparent that the lawsuit, in combination with this year’s truncated hibernation period, has taken its toll.

“It’s true,” says Marmotte, as she ushers her guest into the burrow. 

“It was an accurate prediction and I never doubted that for a moment,” she asserts.

“Those who said I saw a shadow that was not my own…they don’t know me. I couldn’t make that mistake. I knew what I was seeing and I knew that I had to be honest about it. As everyone knows, there is a lot of pressure on the POPS…I’m not saying that any POPS has succumbed to it, but there is pressure. And, yes, I was feeling it. It had already been a long, hard Winter and we were all hoping that it would end soon. But that was not to be and I saw that as soon as I emerged,” she says.

Marmotte contends she is not completely surprised that her prediction was challenged, but she was taken aback by the vehemence with which the challenge was pursued. And neither the accuracy of the prediction nor the accolades she’s received from the Park Weather Office can make up for the nagging feeling that she’s been betrayed.

“It doesn’t feel like a victory to me…or even a vindication. For me, it is bittersweet,” she says.

Weather Office to Polar Bear Poetry Picnickers: prepare for a soggy bottom

By

Varied weather

The record cold and precipitation will make The Park a “mushy mess” for the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic on March 23: PWO

The Park Weather Office has issued a warning to those who plan to attend this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: prepare for a soggy bottom.

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with record amounts of precipitation and a delayed thaw, have conspired to leave The Park a mushy mess,” the PWO said in a press statement released this morning.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, at a press conference today.

“Last year, with all the protests in The Park, we thought we’d have to protect ourselves. This year, it looks like it’s the poetry we’ll have to protect — from the elements,” he laughed.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving his second year of a three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by the weather.

“We have a group of wonderful poets lined up and a wonderful audience. My guess is they won’t give the weather a second thought,” he said.

“Mongoose Summer” protests may finally bring change

By

Protesting Mongoose Summer

With another “Mongoose Summer” upon us, Park Animals have ramped up their campaign to change the way that weather is dealt with in The Park.

Another “Mongoose Summer“ is upon us and there are many in The Park who are hoping that this one will be a game changer.

After months of experiencing temperatures that have fluctuated between too cold and too hot and skies that have been predominantly cloudy, Animal groups have begun to voice their concerns not only about the way in which weather is funded and purchased in The Park, but about the way in which the issue of weather, itself, is viewed by Park officials.

“I don’t believe the Archons or The Park Finance Office or whoever ultimately makes the budget decisions in this Park fully understands the importance of weather,” says A.P. Civet, of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

According to Civet, the past few years have seen the worst harvests in Park history and he says he knows why.

“At the same time as The Park Finance Office and the [past] Archons have rented out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans, they’ve cut back on financing weather that could bring us a bountiful harvest. When asked about this decision, the PFO can only say that it has budgeted for the importing of food, if necessary. My question is, why should we have to import food? The PFO doesn’t seem to understand something very basic: Animals cannot eat money. Without the proper weather and enough farmland, we cannot feed ourselves. This is a very important issue and one that all Park Animals should pay attention to before it is too late,” says Civet.

The Park’s weathermakers agree. A few months ago, their group criticized Finance Officers for purchasing cheap and inferior weather from outside The Park.

“Cost is all they care about,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“They don’t look at quality or whether it’s appropriate weather for The Park. And they seem to have forgotten that we [WMPSAP) have a degree of expertise that outsiders simply don’t have,” Sun Bear says.

Many Park business owners, particularly those in the food business, have been sounding the alarm for some time.

“We have been suffering from their [The PWO] short-sightedness for years,” says Beatrice T. Orang of Provisions by Petrounel.

This year, however, they say they will keep up their protests until something is done.

“It’s about the future of The Park and, ultimately, about our independence. It’s worth fighting for, for as long as it takes,” says Orang.

Transport problems caused Spring’s tardy arrival: PWO

By

The Park Weather Office has blamed transport difficulties for the unseasonably low temperatures this Spring’s tardy arrival

The Park Weather Office finally has offered a response to Animals’ complaints about the delay in the arrival of Spring weather this year. But it’s not an explanation that is satisfying to many.

In the statement released yesterday, the PWO says that transport difficulties were responsible for Spring’s tardiness.

The statement, which was issued to all media, read in part:

“We would like to inform Park Animals that, after a lengthy investigation, The Park Weather Office has concluded that transport difficulties were the cause of the tardy arrival of Spring weather this year.”

The statement went on to say that the PWO “will do everything in its power to ensure that this situation does not reoccur.”

Although the statement may have been issued in an attempt to placate an angry public, it appears to have done just the opposite.

“It’s no surprise that the PWO is blaming someone else,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), whose members have alleged that they are being shut out of the weather-purchasing process by The Park Finance Office’s commitment to cost-cutting.

“It has consistently refused to take responsibility for its bad decisions and this is just one more example of that,” she says.

Those bad decisions, according to Sun Bear, include purchasing cheap weather and weather that is produced outside the Park.

“The PWO says that, due to budget cuts, it has been forced to look elsewhere for better weather prices. It has totally ignored the fact that The Park produces some of the best weather that can be had. Even if it is slightly more expensive in the short run, it would save The Park a substantial amount in the long run, as we wouldn’t have to import as much food as we have been doing the last few years,” Sun Bear says.

For its part, the PWO says that it is reviewing its purchasing policies and will submit the results of that review in time for the new budget, which is due in mid-July.

See also:

Park weathermakers fume over losses to outside bidders
DWBS shuts down Otter Slide following tragic accident
Otter Slide in jeopardy as victim released from hospital
Park Weather Office blasts budget, proposes radical change
Evidence presented at Mongoose trial sparks criticism of Park weather practices

Park’s weathermakers fume over losses to outside bidders

By

The Park’s weathermakers say they may file suit against The Park Finance Office (PFO) and The Park Weather Office (PWO) for shutting them out of the weather-purchasing process.

The Park’s weathermakers are threatening to file suit against both The Park Finance Office (PFO) and The Park Weather Office (PWO), alleging that they are being shut out of the weather-purchasing process by the PFO’s commitment to cost-cutting.

In a statement released today, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), said her group has been on a losing streak for the past few years in terms of supplying The Park’s weather.

“The PWO says that, due to budget cuts, it has been forced to look elsewhere for better weather prices. It has totally ignored the fact that The Park produces some of the best weather that can be had. Even if it is slightly more expensive in the short run, it would save The Park a substantial amount in the long run, as we wouldn’t have to import as much food as we have been doing lately,” Sun Bear said.

The WMPSAP president says her group has the support of the majority of Park businesses, especially grocers and caterers. In fact, some business owners such as Beatrice T. Orang of Provisions by Petrounel have been sounding the alarm for a while, now.

“We [in the food business] have see the result of their faulty decision-making in our reduced harvests and our need to buy an ever-increasing amount of goods from outside The Park. It’s a slippery slope we find ourselves on and continuing down it could lead to The Park losing its independence,” Orang says.

SpokesAnimals for The Park Finance Office and The Park Weather Office said they have no comment on the issue at this time.

See also:
Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change
Evidence presented at Mongoose trial sparks criticism of Park weather practices

Mongoose captured in Florida

By

“His bags were filled with sunny days,” said the last Animal to see the Mongoose before he fled The Park.

The search for the whereabouts of Geraldo Mongoose and the weather he allegedly stole has ended in the Swamps of Florida.

Mongoose surrendered to authorities late last night, bringing to conclusion a hunt that has lasted for almost twelve years.

In accordance with the extradition treaties that have existed for 25 years between Swamps and Parks, authorities in the Everglades finalized transportation arrangements early this morning in order to facilitate the speedy return of Mongoose to The Park. Indictment is expected to take place this afternoon on charges of fraud, theft, misappropriation of funds, and intent to confound.

All charges date back to the Autumn of 1991, when Mongoose entered into a contract with Park Finance Officers to purchase weather for the summer of 1992. That Spring, however, it was reported that he had abandoned his residence and fled The Park. When the sun failed to shine for 32 days in a row, Park Officials became supicious that Mongoose had absconded with the weather. Those suspicions were fuelled by reports from a Donkey, the last Animal to see Mongoose.

“His bags were filled with sunny days. He probably thought he could get a better price for them down south,” he said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031