Satirical fiction in newspaper form
Our 8th most-read article of 2013:
June in The Park: What’s coming up (along with the Roses
And here’s an editorial that came in at number 7:
The Promise of The Park: Should we still believe?
And…our 6th most-read article of 2013 (and also one of our favourites!):
For the next few days, we’ll be looking back on some of your favourite Mammalian Daily stories.
Here is our readers’ choice for the 10th most-read article of 2013:
CAA steps up pressure on Summer Games committee:
and the 9th:
Group claims responsibility for Park’s mountain of garbage:
Hieronymous Hedgehog:
Mammalian Daily’s Animal of the Year
BREAKING NEWS
The Mammalian Daily has chosen veteran Park citizen Hieronymous Hedgehog as its 2013 Animal of the Year.
In a press announcement this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff was impressed by “the demeanour he displayed in the face of what seemed like never-ending controversy.”
“Hieronymous Hedgehog became the model of a calm, loyal Park citizen. When faced with a barrage of criticism, he refused to strike back, waiting for the dust to settle. Then, he decided to meet his most fervent critic on his own turf, secure in his view of himself and in his loyalty to The Park,” she said.
Hieronymous Hedgehog, who is currently in hibernation, is expected to acknowledge the honour when he appears at the 2014 Groundhog Day celebrations.
Amoltrud’s Aesthetics is taking advantage of recent events in The Park to advertise its grooming services
Who says Animals in business have no sense of humour?
Not Amoltrud Poedel. The owner of The Park’s oldest grooming house believes that serious events can have a funny side. And just to prove it, she’s added a seasonal special to the long list of services her salon offers.
“I’m calling it the ‘Rapper Special’ and we’re offering it at half price, this week only,” she laughs. “It’s our full claw sharpening treatment…but we do it extra-carefully, so that all that nasty bark won’t get caught in your claws.”
The reference, of course, is to the trial of Rapper Will.o.be., who was acquitted yesterday after being charged with, among other things, sharpening his claws on a precious Park Oak Tree.
Poedel won’t say whether she harbours doubts about his innocence, but she’s clearly not against taking advantage of the doubts of many other Park citizens.
But, she says, “It’s all in good fun. I’m hoping he’ll come in for a sharpening or, at least, write our next jingle for us. Something snappy, with a bit of a bite and a bark to it, maybe.”
The PEO announced today that Solange Graciela Marmotte, seen here last year at the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, has been elected 2014 POPS.
The Park’s hibernating community will breathe a collective sigh of relief today.
Less than a full day before this year’s new official date of hibernation, the Park Election Office finally has been able to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election.
PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged but well-attended press conference.
“The Animal who will fulfill the rôle of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring is Solange Graciela Marmotte,” he said.
Reading from a prepared statement, Wezel thanked Park citizens for their patience and commended his staff and all the volunteers who joined the recount effort.
“Without your help, I would still be counting votes and Park citizens would have lost all confidence in this process,” he said.
As it is, many Park citizens have expressed their disillusionment with the POPS selection process after this year’s fiasco. Nevertheless, many seem willing to let bygones be bygones and to move forward with their plans for hibernation.
“This is definitely something we will have to revisit come Spring,” said Killeen Echidna, president of The Monotreme Alliance. Echidna spoke on Toro Talk Radio as part of a discussion forum on the subject after the election announcement was made.
“In the meantime, we’re grateful to have had a bit more time to prepare for hibernation. Now, we’ll all be glad to go under and Solange [Marmotte] has our full confidence. She will do a great job as POPS in February,” she said.
The Park’s shortest-lived citizens are participating in a one-day event called, “What Would You Do With A Minute?” to raise awareness of the injustices that are faced by their kind
In an effort to raise awareness of their kind and to shed some light on their continuing struggle for equal treatment, The Park’s shortest-lived citizens will host a series of one-day events beginning next month that will pose the important question, “”What Would You Do With A Minute?”
“All over The Park, we hear Animals bemoaning their busy lives, saying they don’t have time to do the important things anymore…that they don’t have a minute to themselves,” says event coordinator Consuelo Abeja.
“We thought it might be fun to offer them a little perspective, to show them what we can do with a minute since, for many of us, our lives are made up of very few of them,” she says.
While that may seem a bit hyperbolic, Abeja is quick to point out that some of her best friends have had lifespans of less than a week.
“And, yet, they managed to accomplish all they needed to,” she declares, with a glint in her eye and just a touch of nostalgia in her voice.
Next month’s inaugural event will highlight the short but productive lives of The Park’s Opossums, Rabbits, Mice, and Chameleons. Abeja says she hopes that other Park species will bring an open mind to the event and that they will be ready to rethink their ideas about their fellow citizens.
“Our lives will be on display here, in a way that they never have been before. And our hope is that other Animals will stop to look and listen and, maybe, contemplate…without comparison or judgement,” says Abeja.
The event will take place at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre on December 15, from 10:00 until sundown.
“There will be a little bit of everything at the event. Food, art, music, even a bit of sport,” says Abeja. “But our main goal is to raise awareness of our abilities and our commitment to work. We don’t believe we should be judged by the length of our lives so much as by what we are able to accomplish within that timespan. We want you to know, if you’re hiring, we can do the job. We hope this event will be the beginning of a new relationship between us and our longer-lived compatriots,” she says.
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As July comes to a close, we thought we’d let you sneak a peek at some of the stories that we’re working on.
PIFF. The Park Interspecial Film Festival is just two months away. We eagerly await the announcement of this year’s lineup, special events, and news. Behind the scenes, we’ve been interviewing past participants and we look forward to sharing with you what we’ve learned from them.
THE BUDGET What would Summer be without the big presentation from The Park Finance Office? This year’s budget promises to be controversial and, of course, The Mammalian Daily is happy to join in the discussion. We like to think our reporters and columnists bring some expertise to the table.
PARK LIFE We’ll be taking a critical look at the direction the Archons are moving in, and our analysts will share their opinions about unemployment, the big weather question, immigration issues, and the great tax debate.
THISBE SPEAKS Will they or won’t they? Rumours abound that Thisbe and the Barkettes plan to reunite “one last time.” Well, surprise! We’ve snagged an interview with the only one who truly knows! That’s right. Thisbe’s first interview in over twenty years will appear in our pages in the Autumn.
INTERSPECIAL SUMMER GAMES They’re less than two months away and we’ve got all the information you need to watch with a suitably critical eye.
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY The University of West Terrier’s cutting edge research has yielded some remarkable results. Read more here in the coming months.
SURVIVOR PROFILES We’ll continue our series of survivor profiles. Next up: The Endeka Elephant Band: A circuitous route to citizenship for eleven euphonious Elephants.
NOREEN She’s not just our advice columnist anymore. She’s Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and she’s been busy putting the finishing touches on a book based on her most recent research. She’s got a lot to tell us about her favourite subject and we’re eager to hear it.
That’s just a taste of what’s coming in the next few months, so keep logging on. And, Happy August!
“The AutoZOËography of ZoeCat,” was recovered during excavations at the Park Museum. The book went missing ten years ago, seven years after the death of its author.
The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.
In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.
“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.
Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.
“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.
The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.
“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.
“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.
In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.
