The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2014—Museum of Contemporary Art confirms plans to host annual art installation

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Poster announcing The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s first art installation, entitled, “How Much is That Doggie in the Window?”

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s first art installation opened last April

A year after unveiling its first art installation, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) has confirmed its plans to play host to at least one such exhibit annually.

Aulikki Norsu, president of PMoCA’s board of directors, made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“Due to the overwhelming success of our first art installation, we have decided to become The Park’s de facto home of the genre,” Norsu said.

While art critics at first were skeptical about the PMoCA’s entrée into the genre, the live exhibition, How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?, captured the imagination of The Park’s citizens and residents and broke the Museum’s attendance records from the time of its opening in early April until it closed in November.

The installation, which was curated by Dorika Pumi, depicted the sorry life of the domestic Canine. Norsu would not comment on the subject of the next piece nor would reveal the name of the curator, but she did confirm that a number of Park businesses had offered financial backing.

“We are thrilled by the support we have received,” she said.

See also:
Museum of Contemporary Art to unveil first art installation

OTD in 2017—PASS: we’ll defy any law that stops us from doing business with Humans

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penguin waiterThe Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) sent a strong message to the Archons today: no law will stop its members from doing business with Humans.

At a press conference this morning, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig said his membership voted unanimously on Monday to defy any legislation brought forth by the Archons that would restrict Park Animals’ right to trade with Humans.

“Let’s be clear,” Whistlepig said. “There is no wiggle room here. Our membership cannot afford to pick and choose its customers. This is not about liking Humans or having any personal relationships with them. This is about the livelihood of our members.”

Asked why PASS members voted on an issue that is little more than a rumour at this point, Whistlepig was forthright.

“We felt we needed to get ahead of this, to let the Archons know where we stand on this issue and how we feel about the direction in which they seem to be heading. This is about our members’ very survival and, we believe, about the economic independence of The Park.”

OTD in 2015—Barkettes donate original Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed sheet music to Park Museum

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Stuffed Dogs won't shed…or be forgotten

Stuffed Dogs won’t shed…or be forgotten

It’s the song that launched their career and now they’ve ensured that it will live on forever.

Thisbe and the Barkettes announced today that they will donate the original sheet music plus several early drafts of the lyrics of Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed to The Park Museum.

In a statement released this morning, the band’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the Barkettes had been in talks with the museum “for some time” and had finally reached an agreement regarding the song.

“This is a very emotional and meaningful donation,” Blaft said. “Stuffed Dogs marked a turning point in the Barkettes’ career and they’ve always had a deep fondness for the song.”

Canine Music Association president, R.F. Aarrf applauded the announcement, saying the donation would not only “cement” the band’s place in The Park’s musical history, but that it would help to bring our rich cultural life to the attention of the Archons and the Park Finance Office.

“Years of underfunding have taken their toll,” Aarrf said recently. “We need to be more supportive of our cultural community.”

The Barkettes, whose performing hiatus of several years ended a few months ago, are scheduled to begin their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour next month. Their first concert will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre on Friday, May 8, 2015.

Read The Park Museum’s announcement here.

OTD in 2016—Mammalian Daily becomes first Park newspaper to ban Human jokes

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BanDEVELOPING STORY

“A guy walks into a bar on two feet…”

So begins the most popular twenty-minute set at The Howler, The Park’s only comedy club.

The joke was written and is performed weekly by Dalmanik, who is widely considered to be the king of The Park’s “new comedy.” But as of today, Dalmanik will not be able to make that joke on the pages of The Mammalian Daily.

That’s because so-called “Human jokes” have now been officially banned by the newspaper.

In an “urgent memo” sent to all employees of The Mammalian Daily on Friday, managing editor Orphea Haas declared that poking fun at Humans, “our fellow Mammals,” is not appropriate in a modern Park.

“While it would be foolish of me to suggest that we in The Park have no issues with Humans, it would be equally foolish to suggest that making fun of them, denigrating and disparaging them, either in comedy, poetry, prose, or news coverage, is appropriate,” the memo says.

As a result, Haas has banned all of the above from The Mammalian Daily’s news pages, web site, radio, podcasts, and all other enterprises connected to Mammalian Daily Associated News Services.

This is the first time any kind of ban on joking or comedy has occurred in any Park media, according to Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

“I don’t believe we’ve seen anything like it since the establishment of zoocracy,” he said in a radio interview this morning. “I thought zoocracy valued a free and open press. I think Haas is moving in a very dangerous direction by closing the paper rather than opening it up. What with refusing to name her journalists and this, she is taking a few steps backward and that is very disturbing.”

Not all media experts agree with Akita, though. Ludwiga Saimiri, UWT Professor of Journalism and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ), issued a statement this morning in which she said she thought this was a positive move on Haas’s part.

“I support Orphea Haas in her determination to keep the news free of frivolous commentary and damaging and reprehensible jokes. Interspecial values demand that we attempt to understand and accommodate those who are different from ourselves. We have a duty to treat every Animal with respect,” the statement said.

OTD in 2014—Barkettes planning reunion: gossip site

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headsNtales

Gossip site headsNtales claims the Barkettes plan to reunite

Gossip site headsNtales says it is standing by a story it posted on Thursday night, claiming that a Barkettes reunion is in the works.

The site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo, confirmed that she has two sources with connections to Estelle, one of the Barkettes, who have guaranteed the veracity of the story.

“Without that, we wouldn’t have gone ahead with it,” Guacamayo said in a telephone interview this morning. “What would be the point?”

The Barkettes, along with Thisbe, their lead singer and the founder of the legendary group, have not performed together since 2007 (25 AZ). The previous year, the group embarked on its farewell tour but the tour was cut short due to Thisbe’s ill health. She has since kept a low profile, appearing only once with the Barkettes, on the occasion of the debut of “I Love a Man in a Collar,” Rauf Wiedersehen Shepherd’s documentary about the group that opened the 2012 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

R.F. Aarrf, President of the Canine Music Association (CMA), said he wasn’t surprised to read of a possible reunion, but he would need more details to take it seriously.

“In the last five years, there have been at least ten stories claiming that a reunion or a new tour was being planned. When I see a date, or when Thisbe confirms, or when they start to sell tickets, then I’ll know it’s really happening,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Police reinstate Shepherd, charge six LAdeH “members”

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Park Police announced today that they have reinstated FCSW President Gareth Shepherd as a member in good standing of the security force. The move comes after an investigation cleared Shepherd of all charges of misconduct made by six Animals who posed as members of a group that calls itself Les Amis de Hieronymous (LAdeH) or The Friends of Hieronmyous.

At a press conference held this morning, Park Police spokesAnimal Serge Malinois said their “intensive” investigation concluded that the charges against Shepherd were made “falsely and with malicious intent” by the six Animals.

The Animals, who are currently in custody, are facing trial on a number of charges, including making false statements about a Guard Dog, inciting violence at a Park gathering, giving false personal information to police, and impersonating members of a Park association. They also have been charged with several counts each of bodily assault, stemming from the violence that they are alleged to have incited and in which they participated at the 2013 Return of the Nut.

The six, whose names have not yet been released, will likely remain in The Park Jail until their trial, which is expected to occur in the Summer. According to Malinois, the group poses a “significant” flight risk since none of the Animals is a Park resident or citizen.

“If they were to flee The Park, they would have no motivation to return for the trial and we would have no legal recourse. We would not be able to haul them back, since we have no jurisdiction over Animals once they have left The Park,” said Malinois.

OTD in 2015—Holstein Fashion lends its support to The Park’s striped and spotted citizens

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Holstein Fashion

Holstein Fashion: new EQUALSS charity supports striped and spotted Animals

Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, is lending its name and support to The Park’s striped and spotted Animals, it was announced today.

In a post on the company’s web site, Balbina Ko, the President and CEO of Holstein Fashion, explained the company’s bold move:

“Our company ‘Designs by Holstein’ owes a great deal of its success to our striped and spotted customers, whom we love and respect. For that reason, among many more, we feel we cannot in all conscience profit from our spots while ignoring the plight of others with spots and stripes.

To that end, we have established the charity we call EQUALSS. The goal of our charity is to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park. We sincerely hope all Park Animals will join us in this endeavour.”

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Ko explained the driving force behind the company’s decision.

“As a company, we’ve always supported the equality of all species in The Park. After all, that’s the foundation of zoocracy. But recent events and the establishment of that horrid web site [SplotchWatch] made us realize that we could be far more vocal about our support than we have been. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to play a leading rôle in the business community and we hope others will join us,” she said.

Ko said the company’s first move will be the production of a line of striped and spotted coats, socks, and boots.

“The design has been finalized and we expect to be able to begin production this month,” she said.

Proceeds from the sale of these items will go to a special EQUALSS fund that will aid the striped and spotted in finding employment, as well as in fighting the discrimination that has been well-documented over the past few years.

“Footpad Heaven has already signed on to stock this new line and we are currently negotiating with a number of other Park shops to do the same,” Ko confirmed.

“We also have a commitment from Appaloosa Legal Services and we are trying to bring the Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff on board as well,” the CEO said.

In addition to the outerwear initiative, Ko said her company plans to become “actively involved” in The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, perhaps producing what she calls a “learning tool” for the weekly occasion.

“We are looking very seriously at that,” she said. “If Animals volunteered to spend a day in the coat of a striped or spotted Animal, perhaps they’d think a bit differently about the issue afterwards.”

OTD in 2015—PMoCA to exhibit Domestic Feline Art

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Domestic Feline ArtThe Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) announced today that a new exhibition of Domestic Feline Art will open this Summer. The exhibition will be the first under recently-appointed head curator, Aamuun Maroodiga.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, Maroodiga said she chose domestic art for her first outing as curator “because it is so far removed from my own experience.”

“I wanted to remain at a distance from the art of my first exhibition,” she said.

Maroodiga, who spent many years teaching the Tuskan technique at the Hani Gajah School of Art, went on to say that domestic art makes her “uncomfortable…in a good way.”

“It takes me so far out of my comfort zone, that I have no choice but to put myself in the place of the domestic Animal and wonder, ‘How would I cope in this situation?'”

The head curator said the museum will draw from many different art forms: paintings, sculpture, performance art, among them.

“And we will be showcasing larger Felines as well,” she said. “Lions and Tigers…Felines whom we don’t usually associate with domestication, but who suffer from and with it nevertheless.”

The new exhibit, which has yet to be named, will open in the Summer.

OTD in 2015—Dear Noreen: Humans taketh away and Humans giveth

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine living with a family of Humans. One of my dearest companions is a six year-old who lives in a house down the street.

One day, when we were playing, he confided to me that he was a “rescue.” I confessed that I didn’t know what a “rescue” was and he explained that he had been physically and emotionally abused by another group of Humans and had been removed from their home. He said he spent almost a year in some short of shelter until his present family adopted him. He says he is very happy now.

I, on the other hand, am now quite troubled. I never spent much time thinking about Humans, but I guess I thought they were nice. Now, I’m not so sure. Why would they do such a thing to my friend? Is this regular Human behaviour? Would others do the same thing? Am I in danger? I have so many questions and I don’t know who to ask. Please help me.—SCARED AND FEELING ALONE

DEAR SCARED AND FEELING ALONE: Ah, the horrors of losing one’s innocence. I feel your pain and confusion. Perhaps I can help you understand a bit more, by tackling your questions one by one. But be warned: you will never be able to understand fully because the truth is that it’s not fully understandable.

Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly, of course, knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at…but I wouldn’t want to live with them.

Yet, many Canines do live with them and enjoy it immensely. And others suffer from it as your friend did.

We can only come to terms with what happened to your friend by understanding this first: although they exhibit a pack mentality, Humans are individuals and, as such, they act on their own much of the time. Some of these rogue Humans do despicable things but, be assured of this: these acts are not acceptable to the majority of the Human pack. Evolution has worked wonders on Humans in that way, at least.

You ask, “Is this regular Human behaviour?” And the answer is no, it’s not. Although it’s not uncommon, it’s not statistically normal for Humans to abuse Animals who live with them.

Why would they do such a thing, though? Human motivation is puzzling even to those who have been studying it for years. But, I would suggest that often the problem is rooted in their own insecurity about their place in the world, compounded by jealousy of the abilities of other species. At the individual level, many Humans simply pick on those they see as less powerful or more vulnerable because it makes them feel more powerful and less vulnerable.

Are you in danger? No one knows that for sure, but from what you say about your own home situation, it doesn’t seem as though you are. It’s always best to keep your eyes open, though, because Human behaviour can change in an instant. If you notice your Humans becoming more irritable or blaming you for things, or if they become more violent in any way, I would suggest you call the Assaulted Animals Helpline (1-899-27728583) immediately.

I regret that, in this space, I can only offer the beginning of an explanation of this very serious situation. I would, however, like to share with you this ironic twist that gives us all hope: in the vast majority of cases, Animals who have been abused by Humans are saved by other Humans.

Humans taketh away and Humans giveth.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

OTD in 2016—Shakeoff 2016: “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!”

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The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.The first Shakeoff of 2016 begins at ten o’clock this morning.

The semi-annual event, formerly known as the Shake for Charity, is “all about Animals helping Animals,” says organizing committee head Andras Yak.

“Our goal [in collecting hair] is to help those who cannot grow an adequate coat, for whatever reason. They need to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

New this year is the participation of a number of groups from species who don’t have hair or fur.

“We’re very proud that our Arthropods and our friends in the Fish community will be in attendance to assist us. They’ll be collecting hair, and serving refreshments,” Yak says.

Making a return appearance will be the on-site groomers, including KwikLiks, who will be offering free, new hairstyles to participants.

“And, of course, there will be lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Florette’s Fine Edibles, The Nut Bar, Ants in Your Pantry, Clowder, The Cackling Goose and The Draft,” says Yak.

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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