The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Noreen to oust Yannis Tavros for one-off “Soppy Season Q&A” on Toro Talk Radio

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Noreen will answer questions about the soppy season on the Yannis Tavros show

BREAKING NEWS

Noreen will be taking over Yannis Tavros’s radio show next Tuesday.

In a press release issued today, Toro Talk Radio, the station that hosts Tavros’s daily call-in show, announced that it has booked Noreen for his time slot on December 15.

“We are pleased that Noreen has accepted our invitation to appear on air and answer your most pressing questions about the ‘soppy season,’ ” the press release said.

According to the station’s management, The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and author of Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans will host a live “extended public service announcement” on Tuesday. She will be taking calls from the audience on the subject of keeping safe and coping with Humans during the “soppy season.”

“We’ve all come to understand just how soppy Humans can be, sometimes,” Noreen said in an interview earlier this year. “But what many of us don’t understand is how to cope with that and how to keep ourselves safe in the face of such an onslaught of emotion.”

Almost a year ago, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), which issues an annual safety alert at this time of year, announced that it was collaborating with Noreen on a guide for staying safe during the Human soppy seasons. While publication of that guide has been delayed, the DWBS has enlisted Noreen’s help in getting the word out through other media.

“What some Animals don’t understand is that there are many soppy seasons in the Human calendar and each one generates a different problem,” says DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo. “It is a much more complex issue than we originally thought.”

In the meantime, Toro Talk Radio has invited listeners to submit their questions beforehand as well as during the show’s airing.

“We anticipate an overflow [of questions], but be assured that Noreen will answer each and every inquiry, either on air or afterwards,” says a spokesAnimal for the radio station.

OTD in 2016—Noreen to chair UWT forum on effects of Human architecture on other Animals

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Official NoreenThe President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Noreen will chair a forum on the effects of Human architecture on the lives of other Animals. The forum, which will be hosted by the UWT School of Architecture, will take place on the university’s campus on October 8 and 9.

The university called the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human studies the “perfect choice” to chair the discussion because “her abilities as a mediator and as a researcher are exceptional.”

Participants in the forum will include faculty members of the UWT School of Architecture as well as faculty of the Schools of Medicine and Economics and Social Science. In addition, the university has invited community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health and well-being to share their knowledge and expertise.

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacking: Police issue update

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Tree hacking update: Humans responsible, say Police

At a press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued an update on the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Addax confirmed that data Retrievers working for the private firm AROO had recovered enough data to confirm that Humans were involved in the hacking.

“The data, in combination with the debris that was recovered from the site by my team, confirm beyond any doubt that Humans were the perpetrators of the crime,” the ASIS head told reporters.

Also in attendance at the press event was Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The Squirrel’s firm stored most of their data in the Tree, which is believed to be more than 70 years old.

“They [the data Retrievers] were able to retrieve much of our client data and for that we are extremely grateful, but this has been a very challenging few months for us and for our customers,” the Squirrel said after the press conference.

When asked whether the investigation was now considered closed, Addax admitted that options were limited, but denied that Police had formally closed the investigation.

“No, we consider the investigation to still be open, but the sad fact is that we have no control over Humans. We cannot prosecute them, either inside or outside The Park and we cannot recover damages from them. Our only options are to try and prevent such things from happening again and to that end, we are working to develop new security policies. The investigation will remain open until we have these policies in place,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Noreen in talks with TMD to curate new section of newspaper: gossip site

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headsNtalesAccording to the gossip site headsNtales, Noreen is presently in negotiations with The Mammalian Daily to expand her rôle with the paper beyond that of dispensing advice.

In a post dated yesterday, the site claims that the advice columnist, best-selling author, and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier has pitched the idea of creating and curating a new section of the newspaper called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.” The new section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.

“Let’s face it; it would be a natural fit for Noreen,” says headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo.

“Given that she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both informally and formally… and add to that her newspaper and academic credentials…who better to do this sort of work than Noreen? I think it’s a brilliant idea and only Noreen could have thought it up!” she says.

Although no formal announcement has been made by the newspaper, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas has been known as a champion of Noreen ever since she brought her to the paper over fifteen years ago.

“Haas encouraged Noreen from the get-go and she’s blossomed into a very powerful force in The Park. I can’t imagine her denying Noreen’s request. This new rôle will be good for her [Noreen] and for all of us,” Guacamayo says.

OTD in 0217—Noreen gets police protection after brawl breaks out at UWT event

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Official NoreenNoreen was escorted home by Park Police yesterday after a brawl broke out at an event she was co-hosting at the University of West Terrier.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who is also an adjunct professor of Human Studies at UWT, was the co-host, with Chittenden School of Law professor Fionnula Fox, of an extended Q&A session after the launch of their joint project, the Domestic Empowerment Initiative (DEI). The DEI is designed to empower Animals who are currently living in a domestic situation with Humans.

During the Q&A, a brawl broke out among audience members who misunderstood Noreen’s words and took them to mean she was in favour of Animal domestication. Although she made several attempts to clarify her position, the audience members would have none of it. After several minutes of name-calling and threats to Noreen’s safety, UWT security removed the offending Animals and shut the session down. Park Police officer Gareth Shepherd then escorted Noreen home.

On Twitter this morning, Noreen thanked Officer Shepherd and sought once again to clarify her stand on Animal domestication.

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“I did NOT say that domestication by Humans is acceptable,” she wrote. “Rather, I said that domestication is a complicated issue and there are circumstances under which living with Humans is the best option.”

She also wrote that she believes that strengthening The Park’s economy, educating Animals and encouraging Animal self-rule are the best methods by which we can eliminate both the need and desire for domestication.

“Life is never easy, but self-determination beats domestication,” she concluded.

OTD in 2017—Noreen nominated for literary award for UWT speech on Human architecture

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Official NoreenBREAKING NEWS: Noreen has been nominated for a Chitter Radio Literary Award.

In an announcement this morning, CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán confirmed Noreen’s nomination in the speech category for her address at a University of West Terrier forum this past Autumn.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies served as chair of the two-day October event, which discussed the effects of Human architecture on other Animals. Other participants included faculty members in the UWT Schools of Architecture, Medicine, and Economics and Social Science, as well as community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health.

Noreen’s speech, which was entitled, “Doors, Screens, Walls, Halls: The Ins and Outs of Human Architecture,” was exceptionally well-received at the event, according to university officials and forum participants.

This is Noreen’s first CRLA nomination.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards will be held on June 15, 2017.

OTD in 2015—Dear Noreen: Humans taketh away and Humans giveth

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine living with a family of Humans. One of my dearest companions is a six year-old who lives in a house down the street.

One day, when we were playing, he confided to me that he was a “rescue.” I confessed that I didn’t know what a “rescue” was and he explained that he had been physically and emotionally abused by another group of Humans and had been removed from their home. He said he spent almost a year in some short of shelter until his present family adopted him. He says he is very happy now.

I, on the other hand, am now quite troubled. I never spent much time thinking about Humans, but I guess I thought they were nice. Now, I’m not so sure. Why would they do such a thing to my friend? Is this regular Human behaviour? Would others do the same thing? Am I in danger? I have so many questions and I don’t know who to ask. Please help me.—SCARED AND FEELING ALONE

DEAR SCARED AND FEELING ALONE: Ah, the horrors of losing one’s innocence. I feel your pain and confusion. Perhaps I can help you understand a bit more, by tackling your questions one by one. But be warned: you will never be able to understand fully because the truth is that it’s not fully understandable.

Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly, of course, knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at…but I wouldn’t want to live with them.

Yet, many Canines do live with them and enjoy it immensely. And others suffer from it as your friend did.

We can only come to terms with what happened to your friend by understanding this first: although they exhibit a pack mentality, Humans are individuals and, as such, they act on their own much of the time. Some of these rogue Humans do despicable things but, be assured of this: these acts are not acceptable to the majority of the Human pack. Evolution has worked wonders on Humans in that way, at least.

You ask, “Is this regular Human behaviour?” And the answer is no, it’s not. Although it’s not uncommon, it’s not statistically normal for Humans to abuse Animals who live with them.

Why would they do such a thing, though? Human motivation is puzzling even to those who have been studying it for years. But, I would suggest that often the problem is rooted in their own insecurity about their place in the world, compounded by jealousy of the abilities of other species. At the individual level, many Humans simply pick on those they see as less powerful or more vulnerable because it makes them feel more powerful and less vulnerable.

Are you in danger? No one knows that for sure, but from what you say about your own home situation, it doesn’t seem as though you are. It’s always best to keep your eyes open, though, because Human behaviour can change in an instant. If you notice your Humans becoming more irritable or blaming you for things, or if they become more violent in any way, I would suggest you call the Assaulted Animals Helpline (1-899-27728583) immediately.

I regret that, in this space, I can only offer the beginning of an explanation of this very serious situation. I would, however, like to share with you this ironic twist that gives us all hope: in the vast majority of cases, Animals who have been abused by Humans are saved by other Humans.

Humans taketh away and Humans giveth.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

OTD in 2015—Noreen to join TMD commentating crew at Groundhog Day celebrations

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Official NoreenNoreen will be joining The Mammalian Daily’s commentating crew as they tweet live from The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who will resume her duties at the newspaper in mid-February, says she is “thrilled” to have the opportunity to connect with celebrants at the event as well as with those at home.

“Groundhog Day is one of the most important days on The Park’s calendar. I feel privileged to have been asked to communicate the wonder of it all through social media,” she said in a statement released today.

The columnist, who is also adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, has been on leave since November. She has been promoting her book, Lovely To Look At, outside The Park and said in a radio interview last week that she intends to write about her experiences as soon as she gets back to work.

Follow the Groundhog Day celebrations on Twitter!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover Order Noreen’s book here!

OTD in 2015—Noreen shocks Yannis Tavros listeners: “Let’s organize a Superfan Saturday!”

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Official NoreenListeners to the Yannis Tavros show on Wednesday were treated not only to an exclusive interview with Noreen, but to an extemporaneous ode to superfans and a spontaneous call to honour their contributions.

“The rôle of superfans has changed immensely over my lifetime in that they now have an actual rôle to play in the careers of their idols,” said the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier.

“Their relationship to the stars, whether they be musicians, painters, singers, sculptors, writers…has become symbiotic and I truly believe this is a positive thing.”

Noreen, who has herself been called “the ultimate superfan,” because of her longstanding loyalty and affection for Thisbe and the Barkettes, was a solo guest on the Toro Talk Radio show Wednesday. While taking calls from listeners, Noreen experienced what she called a “whistle in her ear,” a term she has used often for the phenomenon of an idea that presents itself to her out of the blue.

“We need to organize a Superfan Saturday!” she exclaimed, taking Tavros and the radio station by surprise. “Let’s make a commitment, right here and now to honour superfans publicly. If you are a superfan, call in now. We’ll take down your name and details and get back to you about the time and date.”

By the time the show was finished, Noreen and the radio technicians had a list of hundreds of superfans, and a queue of several hundred more waiting on the phones.

While Tavros seemed stunned, Noreen was obviously thrilled by the response. She said she planned to visit the office of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations as soon as she took off her microphone.

“Let’s do this!” she barked. “This is going to be one heck of a celebration!”

OTD in 2015—Noreen to appear on Yannis Tavros show to discuss phenomenon of superfans

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YannisTavros

Yannis Tavros will devote his show on Wednesday to the subject of superfans

Yannis Tavros will devote his Wednesday afternoon radio talk show to the subject of superfans and his special guest will be Noreen.

In a press release issued today, Toro Talk Radio confirmed the appearance of the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier:

“Toro Talk Radio is pleased to announce that Noreen will join Yannis Tavros on his show on Wednesday. The subject will be the phenomenon of the superfan. Yannis will be taking calls throughout the show and callers will also have the opportunity to talk directly to Noreen,” the press release said.

In his pre-show podcast yesterday, Tavros said he’d been thinking about the subject of superfans for a while, but it had become a more timely issue after the recent death of Millicent Hayberry’s superfan Xanthippe Porcupine.

“I’ve been doing some research on the subject and I have to say I find it fascinating,” he said in the podcast. “The rôle of the superfan has changed significantly in the last few years and I look forward to discussing it with Noreen, the Animal whom some consider to be the ultimate superfan.”

Noreen’s loyalty to Thisbe and the Barkettes is legendary in The Park, and she has on many occasions attributed her entire career success to them. In fact, she dedicated her first book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans to the musical group.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverBuy Noreen’s book here.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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