The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Zebra activists to appear on Yannis Tavros call-in show Wednesday

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YannisTavros Callers, the lines are open.

Or, at least they will be on Wednesday afternoon, when Yannis Tavros’s guests will be Zebra activists Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra.

The pair, whose latest caper involved disrupting the Beats of Burden music festival by blocking the stage to the SCENTient Beings on Friday night, will be answering questions from callers for a full three hours.

“We’re looking forward to a lively discussion,” Toro Talk Radio said in its announcement this morning, after inviting  “all Animals who want to understand more about the Zebra community” to formulate their questions and head to the phones on Wednesday.

For his part, Tavros, who enjoys a reputation for outrageous behaviour himself, said he thought it was only fair to hear the activists’ side of the story.

“They have a problem with what Faramund Stinktier said [about believing that he was meant to be a Zebra] on this show two weeks ago and I think we should hear them out. Since nobody else stepped up, I thought it was only right for me to do so,” Tavros said at the end of his show today.

The program, which will be sponsored by hibernation outfitters GoUnderground, has been extended by an hour and will be re-run at midnight and offered as a podcast later in the month.

Faramund Stinktier has not commented on the Toro Talk Radio announcement.

OTD in 2014—Phoebe to read from award-winning book at The Squeakeasy on Tuesday

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Phoebic verses

“The Shy Poet” will read her from work Tuesday

Tuesday night is poetry night at The Squeakeasy but this coming Tuesday will see something unique: Phoebe will be reading from her award-winning book, Phoebic Verses.

“This is a first for Phoebe, and we’re thrilled that she’s agreed to do it,” says Kezban Aslan, manager of Kynikos Press, the book’s publisher.

Known in The Park as “The Shy Poet,” Phoebe did not even attend this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards, at which both she and her work were awarded all three of the prizes for which they were nominated.

Phoebe, herself, won the prize for Most Promising Newcomer, while the book won the award for poetry. The surprise came when Phoebic Verses was awarded the prize in the humour category.

“We were thrilled enough with the nomination because it was the first time in the history of the awards that a book of poetry had been nominated for humour. But winning sent us over the Moon,” Aslan says.

While the growing popularity of Domestic Canine poetry may have aided Phoebe in her sweep, Park readers unanimously endorse her gift for poetry and for expressing  “what many feel but few can say.”

Phoebe’s reading at The Squeakeasy will begin at 8:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 23, 2014. Doors open at 6:00 p.m.

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacking was likely the result of “Human error,” says Noreen

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Official Noreen

April’s Tree hacking was likely “human error,” says Noreen

The hacking in April of one of The Park’s largest data Trees was likely the result of “Human error,” rather than malicious intent, Noreen says.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies was participating in a panel discussion on Toro Talk Radio when she made the comment.

“Humans act as much out of ignorance as they do out of self-interest,” she said.

“And, often, the two go hand-in-hand. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to discover that the Humans who did the hacking had no idea whatsoever that the Tree was being used to store precious data.”

In fact, the Tree had been used for years by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The company’s long-term lease allowed the Squirrel to store his raw data in the Tree. Much of that data was recovered during the investigation into the hacking, but a significant amount was lost.

“I would bet the Humans thought that the Tree was ill or interfering with other vegetation,” she said. “I can’t imagine any other reason that they would deliberately hack the Tree.”

Noreen also cautioned the panel to remember the limitations of Humans’ senses.

“There are many things that Humans are not able to see and often they misinterpret the things they do see. And we shouldn’t forget, either, that the majority of them lean toward taking a negative view of things they do not understand,” she said.

 

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in October.
For more information or to place a pre-publication order, please use this email address: lovelytolookatbook@trojanhorsepress.net

 

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2016—The Endeka Elephant Band plays on without its beloved bassist

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Tembo bass

Zuberi Tembo’s bass stood in front of the band last night at the Beats of Burden Music Festival

The ten remaining members of The Endeka Elephant Band took to the stage last night for the first time since the death this past July of their beloved bassist, Zuberi Tembo.

In an emotional mid-set tribute during the first night of the Beats of Burden Music Festival, each member of the band placed a rose at the foot of Tembo’s bass, which stood at the front of the stage for the entirety of their set.

It was a fitting acknowledgement of the Elephant they described as “a gentle soul who loved music and valued freedom.”

“Even though we miss him terribly, we know that Zuberi’s spirit is with us now and will live on forever in the music he made, in the work he did, and in his tireless fight for freedom,” band member Árvakur Fíl said.

The band followed that with a sweet and tearful rendition of “Recollections” and ended their set with “Seismic Connections.” They returned for only one encore: Tembo’s rousing, “Food For All.”

The Endeka Elephant Band returns tonight to play one last set at the festival.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival continues until midnight 18 September 2016.

OTD in 2015—Humans capable of feeling pain: study

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New research out of the University of West Terrier indicates that Humans are, in fact, capable of feeling pain.

The results of a study conducted by researchers from the UWT Department of Human Studies demonstrates “beyond doubt” that Humans not only feel physical pain, but they react to it in much the same way as other Animals do, the study’s author says.

Dr. Maarit Paarma, who oversaw the study of more than two thousand Human subjects, says she was surprised by the findings, but cannot argue with them.

“Even though there has been a great deal of speculation in this area over the years, we didn’t expect to refute earlier findings so decisively,” she says. “That was the biggest surprise—that there was, at the end, no doubt in our minds.”

Paarma’s two-part study, which examined Humans in isolation and in groups of varying sizes, concluded that Humans’ reactions to stings, bites, and other types of injuries were consistent with what are believed to be reactions to feeling pain.

“The reactions that we saw—and some of them were quite violent—were similar to the types of reactions that other Animals have when they are wounded,” Paarma says. “We concluded from this and other evidence that our Human subjects were quite capable of both feeling physical pain and of reacting to it.”

During the course of the five-year study, Paarma’s research subjects sustained a number of bites, stings, and blows to the arms, thighs, calves, stomach, and chest. The reactions to these injuries were “immediate,” says Paarma.

“We had concerns, as had other researchers before us, that Humans might simply be mimicking the normal reactions of other Animals. It was the immediacy of the reaction, however, that convinced us that not only did the subjects actually feel the physical pain inflicted on them but they were able to display clearly the effects of that feeling,” she said.

The results of the study could have wide implications, Paarma admits, but she would like to see other studies conducted before making any long-term recommendations. Still, she does believe that some alterations to our behaviour might be in order.

“Based on this new knowledge, I think we do have to take a closer look at the way we view and deal with Humans,” she says.

The results of the study will be published in the December issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

OTD in 2016—#PIFFPiffle: Rumour says Tab Tricolore to open Tabby Club to all for PIFF 2016

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The Tabby ClubThe latest out of the PIFF 2016 rumour mill is that celebrity chef Tab Tricolore intends to open up The Tabby Club to all during the five-day film fest.

The pub, which was founded and run by Jor, The Park’s first leader, has always been a “striped-only” establishment. That has caused some controversy in the past and in May, Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros launched his #BullinTheTabbyClub campaign after he was was denied entry to the pub.

But now, those close to him say that the Bad Boy chef has decided throw open the doors of his pub to all. But only for the duration of the festival.

“He wants to do it to celebrate the spirit of ‘full equality of experience,’ which is what WINK, the opening film, is all about,”  says Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla, the chef’s former saucier.

According to our sources, the celebrity chef and restaurateur was the driving force behind choosing WINK as the festival’s opening night film. WINK explores the experience of a group of Park citizens as they make the transition from being Animals of pattern to living their lives as solid-coloureds. The film’s subject matter is believed to be so dear to Tricolore’s heart that he was among the film’s financial backers.

Tricolore is expected to make an official announcement regarding the opening of The Tabby Club in the next few days.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) runs from 1-5 October 2016.

OTD in 2015—Alert: Harmonious Hannah missing after tumultuous Sunday in The Park

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Harmonious Hannah: last seen at yesterday's Stereotype Sunday

Harmonious Hannah: last seen at yesterday’s Stereotype Sunday

NEWS ALERT

Harmonious Hannah has gone missing.

The five and a half foot tall stuffed Animal—one half of the “harmonious pair” introduced in July by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS)—was last seen yesterday during The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday, according to a DWBS alert.

The alert, which was issued at six o’clock this morning, said Hannah was last seen at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at approximately five o’clock in the afternoon.

“It has been reported by one witness that the last time Hannah was seen was at approximately five o’clock. She was sitting with three young Elephants and a newborn Giraffe,” Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations said on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Hannah and her working partner, Harmonious Humphrey, were introduced to Stereotype Sundays in July as part of a DWBS initiative to promote interspecial harmony among The Park’s youth.

Yesterday’s Stereotype Sunday was a particularly tumultuous one, with a raucous crowd and a dazzle of Zebras protesting against SCENTient Beings singer Faramund Stinktier.

“It was so busy, we hardly knew where to look to keep the peace,” said Doves of Peace spokesBird Georgina Golub.

Police say they have no leads as yet but they are appealing to all Park residents to keep their eyes open for Hannah.

“Any Animal who has knowledge of her whereabouts should contact Park Police or the Department of Well-Being and Safety immediately,” said Park Police officer Gareth Shepherd.

The DWBS describes Hannah as “six and a half feet tall, with a black back and a white stomach and chest, deep set eyes, black ears, a black nose, pink footpads and toepads, and a perpetual smile on her face.”

OTD in 2015—Peacekeepers to attend first Stereotype Sunday since Stinktier revelation

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Does of Peace

Unrest assured: Does and Doves of Peace to attend today’s Stereotype Sunday

Recent unrest in The Park’s Zebra community has prompted The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to call on the Doves and Does of Peace to attend today’s Stereotype Sunday.

In a media communiqué released this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed the deployment “in anticipation of any disturbance of the peace which the weekly event is intended to foster.”

The unrest began on Wednesday night, soon after the broadcast of the Yannis Tavros show during which SCENTient Beings singer and composer Faramund Stinktier revealed that he believed he was meant to be a Zebra.

A hastily-organized protest that started outside Toro Talk Radio, which broadcasts the Tavros show live, spilled out onto the streets in the early morning hours of Thursday and has continued to grow over the past few days. The protest now includes a makeshift headquarters for organizers Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra outside the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, the site of the weekly Stereotype Sundays.

The protest centres around one issue, according to a statement released by the organizers on Friday morning—that Stinktier “knows nothing of the struggles of the Zebra community and that he has co-opted the experience of thousands of years of Zebra life for his own purposes and to fulfil his own desires.”

Signed by Pundamilia and Zebra on behalf of the worldwide Zebra community, the statement concludes, “We respectfully submit that Faramund Stinktier has committed a crime against The Park’s Zebra community by perpetuating a stereotype and using that stereotype for the betterment of his own life.”

Although Park Police are believed to be on standby this afternoon, Officer Gareth Shepherd told The Mammalian Daily that none of his officers has been formally assigned to the event.

OTD in 2016—The Beats gets bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today

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Beats of Burden logo“Bigger” and “better” were the words most often uttered this morning as Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox announced the lineup for the fourth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“We know that bigger isn’t always better, but in this case it is,” Ox told the throng of reporters outside The Draft, the pub that he and his Beasts of Burden bandmates own.

“We asked ourselves, what could make this event better? How do we stay true to our purpose without this becoming just another music festival?”

The answer to that question, Ox said, was to bring the musical and other acts closer to that purpose.

“We want The Park’s refugees, who are the festival’s raison d’être, to always be within your sight or hearing. We want you —no matter what you’re listening to, no matter what you’re watching, no matter what you’re eating—to have our refugees front and centre in your mind. Yes, we want you to have a Whale of a time, and that’s no pun. NIML will be at the festival, down by the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. But we also want you to remember that this is a charity festival, a festival with a purpose, not just a Porpoise,” he said, as the crowd groaned.

As far as the music lineup goes, many of these groups have performed at the festival before: Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, Jargohead, Fish Rap, and The DomEstyx.

But there are newcomers, such as Belles and Whistles and Memes of Production and up-and-comers, including Erdferkel!, plucked just past Friday from the Beats in the Bar (formerly the Open Mic at The Draft), as well as last year’s pick, The Crumb Seekers.

Even bigger musical news comes in the form of Last Stand, the band whose members all hail from endangered species, and ZEAL, who begged off last year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice because he refused to play at the same event as the SCENTient Beings’ Faramund Stinktier. The Beats will feature both, though they’ll play at different venues.

As well, Ox said he personally invited The Endeka Elephant Band, whose bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed this summer on a trip home to Africa. The band agreed to play on two of the three days of the festival, and Ox said he took that as a compliment.

“Zuberi Tembo was a refugee and I think the band wanted to honour that,” he said.

This year’s festival will introduce a new category, Spoken Word Extemporaneous (SWE), which Ox said he’s particularly excited about. And the comedy portion will feature Dalmanik and Woodruff Dalmatio, with a few “surprises” in store for Saturday.

Another first for the festival is the Rodent gymnastic troupe, “Out of the Box.” Ox was also proud to announce that the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk had agreed to resurrect their 2014 exhibit, “From Fear to Freedom,” which highlights the art of The Park’s refugees.

As usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction.

With all that, and the “long list of surprises” that Ox boasted about, it’s hard not to believe that this bigger Beats will be even better.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 16-18 September 2016.

All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

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