The Mammalian Daily

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DWBS warns hibernators: skip Return of the Nut ceremonies

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Depending on the weather and temperature, hibernators may want to watch the Return of the Nut ceremonies from the comfort of their homes this year, says the Department of well-Being and Safety. Giuliana Imelda Lontra is scheduled to swear the ancient oath at 11:00 tomorrow morning.


The DWBS has told newly-awakened hibernators that they may be better off watching the Return of the Nut ceremonies from the comfort of their homes this year. Giuliana Imelda Lontra is scheduled to swear the ancient oath at 11:00 this morning.

HEALTH WARNING

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has taken the unusual step of issuing a health warning to The Park’s newly-awakened hibernators: skip this year’s Return of the Nut ceremonies. The full statement reads as follows:

In our opinion, the stresses due to this year’s shortened period of torpor, in combination with the sudden increase in temperature, pose a serious health risk to our newly-awakened hibernating citizens. On the advice of experts in the field, we urge The Park’s hibernating communities not to attend this morning’s Return of the Nut ceremonies and to remain in your homes for the next few days in order to ensure your full recovery.

The DWBS further advised those who should not or cannot attend the ceremonies that, for the first time in Park history, the Return of the Nut celebrations will be broadcast in their entirety on Park Broadcasting Corporation Television (PBCTV). The broadcast begins at 10:30 a.m. Park time.

Giuliana Imelda Lontra, the 2014 Keeper of the Nut, is scheduled to swear the ancient oath at 11:00 this morning.

As hibernation ends, Park prepares for major health crisis

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feb19

This year’s truncated hibernation period may result in an increase in deaths due to premature awakening.

Not since Small Ball Fever hit panzootic proportions seven years ago has The Park been in such a state of high alert, says the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press briefing early this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed the “All Paws on Deck” state at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, as well as at all specialty clinics, as The Park faces the official end of hibernation tomorrow.

“Even last year, [after the] Tulip Map debacle, when we saw the largest number of Animals suffering from Tulip-Related Illness…that is going to look small in comparison to what we believe we’re about to face,” he said.

Last year’s jump in the number of cases of Tulip-Related Illness (TRI) was due to a fault in the official Tulip Map, which is used in the Spring by a large number of The Park’s residents as a tool for sourcing food.

After the map’s producers discovered the presence of toxic substances in the bulbs’ planting areas, they deemed the map unsafe and recalled it. Unfortunately, the recall came too late for the majority of hibernators and that resulted in a huge spike in the number of cases of TRI.

“Not to diminish the importance of TRI, but this year, due to our delayed hibernation, The Park’s hibernating population faces the possibility of decimation as a result of deaths from premature awakening,” says Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier.

Dr. Zebu, who is one of the authors of a report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening, was among the experts consulted by the 2013 Archons and the DWBS after the problem with the POPS election caused a delay in the official hibernation date.

On the hot seat recently as a guest of Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Dr. Zebu admitted that the date of December 1, a full two weeks later than usual, was “the best and safest date we could come up with under the circumstances.”

“But we still knew we’d taken a risk with Animals’ lives by delaying hibernation at all. We are hoping for the best outcome possible, but we know we will have to do better in the future,” he said.

See also:

Archons bow to pressure: hibernation to begin December 1
Hospital braces for flood of Tulip-Related Illness Victims
Deaths from premature awakening on the rise: study
Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

 

Chief Archon Buckminster Moose: The Interview, Part One

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Moose asleep in a chair


Buckminster Moose, Chief Archon

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

Sitting back in his lounge chair at the end of a busy day, The Park’s newly-minted Chief Archon takes a moment to close his eyes and ready himself for the inevitable onslaught of questions that will come from the reporter sitting opposite him. Conducting the two-day interview at his den rather than at his office is Buckminster Moose’s choice, as is the oversized chair in which he has parked himself. When he offers the reporter a chair much smaller in size, the Moose is quick to point out that the reporter is much smaller, too.

It’s that kind of take-charge attitude, as well as what both his supporters and his critics describe as his “relentlessly realistic” view of politics and governing, that has many Park Animals feeling optimistic about the future.

For the first time in many years, The Park’s Chief Archon has been openly critical of a previous government. And, in this case, his criticisms are aimed at more than just one government. You could almost believe that he takes some pleasure in that, if it weren’t for the fact that Buckminster Moose is deadly serious about politics.

“I think we’re in danger of losing what we fought so hard to gain,” he says bluntly. “I think we’ve been intellectually stagnant, living off the spoils of zoocracy, and not looking out for the enemy — both within and without. If we’re not careful, we’ll soon find that we’ve ceded power to forces that, by no means, have our best interests at heart.”

The Moose’s eyes dance with excitement as he speaks of “taking back The Park.” It is a phrase that he used no fewer than twenty times during his Groundhog Day speech and it’s a phrase that has both delighted and enraged Park Animals. Whenever he says it, you can tell that he means business. And, according to the Moose, the business of the 2014 Archons is to strengthen our zoocracy by returning to the values that created it.

“Sometimes, you have to go backwards to move forward,” he says.

NEXT WEEK: The Interview, Part II

Despite thirty-plus years of zoocracy, many Park Animals still yearn to be “King of the Jungle,” new study finds

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Lion


A new study out of the University of West Terrier reveals that some Park Animals still yearn to “lord it over their fellow citizens.”

A new study out of the University of West Terrier reveals that, despite more than thirty years of anticipatory zoocracy, some Park Animals still yearn to lord it over their fellow citizens.

The study, which was conducted jointly by UWT’s Departments of Political Science and Psychology, involved 35,000 Animals resident in The Park. Over a period of four years, researchers investigated the attitudes of different species toward zoocracy and other forms of Animal self-rule, as well as those Animals’ beliefs regarding the intelligence and abilities of other species. Researchers also logged attitudinal changes that took place as both the Animals in the study and The Park’s political system matured.

The findings will no doubt create controversy, say the study’s lead researchers, psychology professor Dr. Luule Aednik and Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds UWT’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy.

“Co-operation isn’t necessarily inherent or part of the makeup of some classes of Animals or some species,” says Aednik. “Sometimes, it’s a matter of education to get them to that point and sometimes it takes more than just a gentle nudge.”

For his part, Marmoset expressed a degree of dismay at the findings, even though he says he was not entirely surprised.

“As I have said many times, zoocracy is a new phenomenon and a fragile one. There are bound to be those who are still uncomfortable with it. We must work to ensure that it survives and that it, ultimately, thrives,” he said.

The full results of the study will appear in the April issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP).

Groundhog Day organizer on shadow lawsuit: “They’ve brought shame on the POPS and on the celebrations.”

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Prognostication


Mammalian Daily live coverage of The Park’s 2014 Groundhog Day celebrations: the tweets above show how the controversy over the prognostication began

Of all the things the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations has had to worry about over his decade-long career, the validity of the official prognostication has never been one of them. Until now.

“I’m in a state of shock,” said Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. in a telephone interview this morning.

Roused just before dawn to attend the ceremonies, Whistlepig had every intention of returning to his burrow in the afternoon, as he has done every year. Instead, because of the shadow controversy, he has been awake for three days now.

“If this doesn’t constitute premature awakening, I don’t know what does,” he says. But he’s not complaining:

“Dealing with this and anything else that comes up, that’s just part of my job. And it’s a job I love.”

The controversy began just seconds after Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), declared that The Park could expect another six weeks of Winter because she had seen her shadow. A group of disgruntled spectators claimed the shadow that Marmotte had seen was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the Prognostication Pad.

Immediately, the organizers brought in experts to rule on the matter. Executives from Simply Structures, the firm that designed and built the Prognostication Pad, checked the structure for faults while artists from the Hani Gajah School of Art traced the shadow. Eventually a team of shadow experts ruled that, given the paw and claw that appeared on the artists’ tracings, the shadow must indeed have been Marmotte’s. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon signed the Official POPS’ Proclamation.

“At that point, I thought it was over,” said Whistlepig this morning. “We moved on to the other events and I didn’t give it another thought.”

Little did he know, though, as attendees listened to the Archons’ Address and partook of the tasty treats at the food stations, that the disgruntled group of spectators were planning to become litigants in a lawsuit that, in Whistlepig’s words, “is bound to tear The Park apart.”

That lawsuit alleges that the POPS did not in fact see her shadow on Groundhog Day and that, consequently, her prediction should be declared null and void. The suit was filed yesterday, February 3, at noon.

For his part, Whistlepig thinks the whole matter is a sad and, ultimately, silly one.

“To me, it’s a moot point. By the time the suit gets through our court system, Spring will have arrived, whether Marmotte saw her own shadow or not. All they’ve done [in launching the suit] is brought shame on the POPS, shame on the celebrations, and shame on the shadow. It’s a rain of shame, and for what?” he said, sighing.

POPS 2014: “Six more weeks of Winter”

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Solange Marmotte


At 8:07 this morning, Solange Marmotte saw her shadow and declared that The Park would experience six more weeks of Winter

BREAKING NEWS

2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Solange Marmotte has seen her shadow. The Park, therefore, can expect six more weeks of Winter.

The prediction, which was made at precisely 8:07 this morning, was not certified until 8:51. The delay in certification was caused by a disagreement over the validity of the shadow, but experts who attended at the scene have verified that the shadow was indeed Marmotte’s.

The 2014 POPS is expected to return to her burrow later this afternoon.

Mammalian Daily exclusive: an interview with Chief Archon

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Moose, Buckminster Addison Carlisle Harris (Chief Archon)


Official portrait of 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Addison Carlisle Harris Moose

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has snagged an exclusive interview with 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Addison Carlisle Harris Moose.

At a press conference held late this afternoon, managing editor Orphea Haas said she was “at once honoured and delighted” that the new Chief Archon agreed to sit down with the newspaper’s senior political reporter for a “one-on-one chat.”

“I believe this speaks both to the openness of our new government and to the authority of this newspaper,” she said.

The interview, which will be conducted over a two-day period in the week following Groundhog Day, will appear in the newspaper the second week of February.

Tavros to host third annual “Pundits’ Parlour” on Monday

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YannisTavros


Yannis Tavros will host another “Pundits’ Parlour” on Toro Talk Radio this Monday

For the third year in a row, Yannis Tavros will host Toro Talk Radio’s “Pundits’ Parlour” on Monday, February 3.

Manfred Stier, spokesAnimal for the radio station’s programming director, confirmed today that The Park’s best known political pundits will again have the chance to express their views on our incoming government on Tavros’s popular show.

“Yannis [Tavros] will once again relinquish his usual talk show format to moderate what has become a very popular annual forum,” Stier said.

This year’s guests include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, UWT Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces, UWT Professor of History Beatrice Zilonis, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Other participants include Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post, and Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct Professor of Human Studies.

UWT defends new course in Human studies

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UWT Coat of ArmsMembers of the Department of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier are scrambling to defend a new course offering that has garnered a lot of social media attention in the past few days.

The course, “Living in the Human World,” was developed by Mammalian Daily advice columnist Noreen, who is also an adjunct professor in the department. The course was intended, she says, to enlighten Park Animals on the day-to-day aspects of life in the Human world.

But many believe the object of the course is to teach Animals how to live with Humans.

“What they’re doing, in a covert way, is trying to groom us for lives as pets outside The Park,” said one popular post on GooseBook.

The University strongly denies that.

“We were honoured to have Noreen join our faculty and we wanted to make use of her expertise. After all these years of observing the Human world, it would be a waste of her talents not to allow her to share her knowledge,” said Bibiano Montanaro, spokesAnimal for the UWT president.

Many on The Park’s social media sites, however, are suspicious of that explanation.

“Maybe if paired with a history course or something like that, then maybe,” said one post. Yet another summed up the feelings of many Park Animals: “If it offers a critical view of Human society, then okay. Otherwise, it’s hard to see it as anything but recruitment of us as pets.”

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