The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2012—Park Literary Awards to bear sponsor’s name

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The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) will undergo a name change at the end of May. They will bear the name of their sponsor, Chitter Radio, and be known officially as the Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

The announcement was made at a press conference late yesterday afternoon. Present at the conference were Albana Ketri, President and C.E.O. of Chitter Radio, members of the organizing committee, and the Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, Aintza Kanariar.

“We think it is fitting that the Awards should bear the name of their proud sponsor,” Ketri said, as she unveiled the new logo for the event.

Until this year, the Awards had been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations. It was announced in January that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards, after budgetary constraints forced the Department to pull its funding.

The Awards will take place 15 June.

OTD in 2013—Immigration rules to favour those with short lifespans

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TMD ExclusiveAn investigation conducted by The Mammalian Daily has revealed that proposed changes to The Park’s open immigration policy include a plan to favour shorter-lived species for citizenship.

The ideas for a new immigration policy form part of the “modernization initiative” that the 2013 Archons committed themselves to upon assuming office on January 16, 2013.

According to Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the Archons used the term “modernization” 67 times in their Groundhog Day address.

“The only word that was used more often was ‘economy’ and the phrases ‘economic crisis’ and ‘economic distress’ were, together, used 294 times in a speech that lasted for less than twenty minutes. I think we can assume from this that changes in policy [this year] will be economically-driven,” she said.

Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, agrees.

“There is no doubt in my mind that such a drastic change to the immigration policy would have its foundation in the desire to save money. But I think, if that is the case, that it’s a short-sighted and backward-looking policy and I say that fully aware of the possibility that my community might benefit from such a change,” he said.

If, in fact, the idea for the policy change were economically-driven, it is generally assumed the reason would be the Archons’ desire to cap the amount of money The Park spends on each immigrant Animal in terms of readjustment counselling, health care, establishing a home, job training, etc. But, says Grouse, the short-sightedness of that is “glaringly obvious.”

“The longer an Animal lives in The Park, the longer she or he has to contribute in a myriad of ways to our life here. It is plainly stupid to favour a short-lived population over a balanced mix of species for any reason at all,” he said.

Still, says historian and author Pieter Paard, there are historical precedents for this kind of action, “all of which prove it is a terrible move to make and something that will have a negative effect on a society such as ours for a long time.”

As for the 35 Archons with whom these policy decisions rest, they remain silent on the subject. According to their press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta, the Archons are “looking at all ideas and will make announcements regarding any decisions in the coming months.”

OTD in 2014—Park Museum puts out call for personal items related to domestication

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Park Museum

The Park Museum has put out a call for items of a personal nature related to domestication and enforced domestication. The Museum says it requires such items for display in its upcoming exhibit marking Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a statement posted on the Museum’s web site, the Board of Governors requested contributions from Park Animals of items such as collars, leashes, cages, carrying cases, feeding paraphernalia (including bowls, etc.), grooming tools, toys, and I.D. tags. The Museum intends to borrow the requested items and assures Animals that their belongings will be “treated with the utmost care and respect” and be returned to their owners at the conclusion of the exhibit.

Details of the exhibit have not yet been released, but a spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors said the requested items will be displayed in a section called, “Ways and Means.”

To read the Museum’s full statement, click here.

OTD in 2015—Lookin’ good, feelin’ fine, lose those metaphors and your prose will shine…Whoops!

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Month Without MetaphorThe mid-month statistics are in for Park media’s Month Without Metaphor (MWM) and things are looking up.

Whoops!

What we mean is, the numbers are slightly better this year than they were in the event’s inaugural year.

“We are pleased with the results thus far,” says Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of MWM’s organizers.

“For some reason, though, the radio stations are having more trouble than some of the print publications. Maybe it’s due to the spontaneity factor that is an inherent part of radio.”

That could  well be. And the drop in numbers also speaks well of Park media’s editors and the renewed interest in the idea of “writing clean.” Whatever the reason, Tinamou is hoping the mid-month results will encourage Park publications to further restrict their use of metaphors.

“We’re hoping for a record result at month’s end,” he says.

Here are Month Without Metaphor’s mid-month results in full:

[table]
Publication,          Number of Infractions,
Toro Talk Radio,                                171
CLucK Radio,                                125
Chitter Radio,                                112
The Dingo Boomerang,                                 79
Marine Mammal Radio,                                 78
The Mollusk Messenger,                                 77
The Salamander Evening Post,                                 77
Reptile Radio,                                75
The Silvestris Star,                                73
headsNtales,                                73
The Burro Beacon,                                 73
The Noodlefish News,                                 73
The Canary Courier,                                 71
bRaydio 4,                                71
The Halibut Herald,                                 71
Maple Tree Television,                                70
The Eagle Star,                                 70
The Equine Echo,                                 69
The Rodent Commoner,                                67
The Robin Reporter,                                 67
The Galliforme Gazette,                                 63
The Kaluga Register,                                 63
The Cosmopolitan Pest,                                 60
The Bluebird Free Press,                                 58
Vertebrate Vision,                                58
The Insect Intelligencer,                                56
The Panther Post,                                 56
The Polar Bear Post,                                 54
The Avian Messenger,                                 54
PRANCE Magazine,                                 52
The Blackbird Informer,                                 49
The Ornis Interpreter,                                 44
The Mammalian Daily,                                 40
LAULAA Magazine,                                37
The Raccoon Reporter,                                 30
The Simian Spectator,                                 30
The Marsupial Messenger,                                 29

[/table]

OTD in 2013—It’s official: Beasts of Burden to kick off Agrarian Jubilee

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Beasts of BurdenIt’s official: The Beasts of Burden will open The Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee tomorrow.

The confirmation came late this afternoon in a short statement from the band’s manager, Ignatius Herder:

“The Beasts of Burden are pleased to announce that they have accepted the invitation to open The Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee on May 20, 2013. They are humbled by this honour and look forward to this wonderful event,” the statement said.

The six-Animal band, whose hits include “Donkey Hot,” “Pack of Lies,” and “The Day the Oxen Rose,”  has not performed in The Park since their sold-out Summer concert in 2006. Last Autumn, they opened a pub called The Draft and they are rumoured to be recording a collection of songs to be released later this year.

One of the largest and most popular festivals in The Park, the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season. Other musical acts scheduled to perform at the event include The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, Eggie and The Pigs, Banded Brothers, The DomEstyx, and Spontaneous Generation.

OTD in 2012—SCENTient Beings to join line-up at Agrarian Jubilee

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There’s a whiff of change in the air, as the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee prepares to welcome freshman artists, SCENTient Beings, to the 2012 entertainment line-up.

According to their manager, The SCENTients were invited by Jubilee organizers, “at the last minute, but they are honoured and thrilled to be performing at such an important event.”

The duo, who released their first recording, Beings and Nuttiness, ten days ago, has never performed before such a large audience.

“They have played The Tabby Club and they’ve been on the road for a few months, but they’ve never sung in such company or on such an important occasion,” their manager said.

One of the largest and most popular festivals in The Park, the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season. Traditionally a mixture of sombre and sweet, the Jubilee has historically been a venue for more “tried and true” performers, such as Thisbe and the Barkettes and The Beasts of Burden. This year, however, organizers say they decided to “add something new and untried to the mix,” while maintaining the tenor of the occasion.

Other performers in the Jubilee line-up include Les Chiens Débraillés, The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, The Canary Cousins, The Tweeters, and Will.o.be.

The Anixi Agrarian Jubilee takes place on May 20, 2012.

OTD in 2004—Flying Mammal Captures Top Prize in Toe-Hair Contest

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Rufus di RafineschiRufus di Rafineschi flew away with first prize at The Park’s eleventh annual Toe-Hair contest, held this Spring at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

All five judges awarded the Bat first place and offered high praise for his toe-hairs, which they said, “extended noticeably beyond the tips of his toes.”

Di Rafineschi, who with this victory becomes a member of an exclusive group of Animals in The Park, is the first big-eared Bat in the contest’s history to win the prestigious award.

“I’m thrilled and humbled,” di Rafineschi said at a press conference following the judges’ decision. “It makes me feel that I really belong in The Park.”

The Bat, a native of Kentucky, first roosted in The Park three years ago.

Finding the atmosphere “quite welcoming,” he decided to become a permanent resident a year ago.

Second and third prizes at the contest were awarded to Samuel P. Gecko and to Buckley, a Bearded Collie.

OTD in 2012—Central Bank warns against short-term interest rate hikes

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In a statement issued this morning, the Central Bank of The Park warned financial institutions against offering high, short-term interest rates to their estivating clients.

“It is not in the interest of The Park nor of the client [for banks] to adjust interest rates for terms that occur during the dormancy period,” the Bank said.

The practice of offering high, short-term interest rates to hibernating and estivating clients has been in place for at least a decade, according to the Association of Financial Institutions of The Park (AFIP).

In fact, according to a report written by the Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) and presented to the Central Bank, local banking institutions count on the fat deposits these rates attract to boost their bottom line.

“There’s no doubt that, at this time of year, the estivating client is the preferred customer,” says CPAP head, Ursula M. Bjørn. “These clients are going nowhere for a substantial length of time and, consequently, neither is their money,” she explained.

These so-called “dormant” accounts that are offered by some of The Park’s banks come with an interest rate of up to fifteen percent above the base rate that is established every quarter-year by the Central Bank.

“This [interest] rate is substantially higher than the rate that non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals are offered on any of their accounts,” says Uzoma Serval, author of the book, BankWoe.

“But, there is a catch,” he says. “When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They signed away that right, sometimes without even knowing it. And, their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more,” Serval says.

This has led to a rise in consumer complaints. And, non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals also have begun to complain about the practice. They say it is evidence of prejudice against them and that they are being treated unequally and unfairly by The Park’s financial institutions. It is a view the BankWoe author says may be difficult to dispute.

“The instruments of darkness tell us truths,” he says.

OTD in 2015—Barkettes’ set list disappears from theatre moments after concert ends

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Set ListThe set list for the May 8 concert of Thisbe and the Barkettes, held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, has gone missing.

According to theatre security, the list was affixed to the stage throughout the concert and it was security’s job to remove it after the band packed up.

“We were given specific instructions about its removal,” said a spokesAnimal for the theatre.

“We were told to keep it safe and secure, because Thisbe wanted to donate it to The Park Museum.”

Hilde Blaft, the group’s manager, told TMD Radio she is “incensed” by the occurrence.

“It must have been ripped from the stage moments after the concert ended,” she said in a brief radio interview this morning.

She said she had no idea who would do such a thing, and she made an emotional appeal to have the set list returned.

“Please, if you are the one who took it, please, please return it to the theatre. We will ask no questions and press no charges. It is of emotional value to all of us involved with Thisbe and the Barkettes and we only want to see it safely returned so that we can have it preserved at The Park Museum,” she said.

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: Is it wise for Animals to adopt Humans?

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DEAR NOREEN: A friend of mine has recently befriended a Human and they are now thinking about a permanent arrangement. Do you think it is wise for an Animal to adopt a Human? – PONDERING

DEAR PONDERING: Such adoptions are much in vogue, so I think it’s time we had an open discussion of these arrangements.

First, though, let me say this: anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one.

Aside from that, I am very much in favour of so-called blended families, by which I mean a mix of species and breeds living and breathing (but not breeding) under one roof or in one burrow. It’s definitely the wave of the future, regardless, since so many these days are born but not wanted, not to mention the many more who are wanted, but not born. So, all things being equal (or as lopsided as a Rabbit’s ears), these two needs should match up rather nicely to form a few harmonious families.

You do have to be careful, though, when adopting Humans, since living with them is unnatural, as are many of their habits. They are also painfully slow to develop (indeed, many of them never truly mature). Yet – and, don’t forget this – their lifespan far exceeds that of many of us, a fact that creates its own set of problems.

Remember, too, that Humans can be difficult to train, prone as they are to that eponymous condition known affectionately by them as “Human error.” Still, I would advise your friend to give it a try. No happiness was ever won by avoiding risk.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

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