The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—WINK director to host pre-premiere party tonight at The Feeding Station

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WINK Movie PosterWINK director G.D. Zebra will host a pre-premiere party tonight at Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

According to our sources, the guests are all A-listers, not only in the film industry, but in the fight against discrimination against Animals of Pattern.

The coveted party invitations were sent out Tuesday night and our sources tell us that it’s a definite “yes” for WINK producer Kevin Kodkod and one of the film’s stars, Willem Leopard. Other invitees are said to include Douglas Cheetah, Mary Margay, Millicent Hayberry, Monique Tigress, Carlos Geraldo Gato de León, director of Noon Nuttiness film I Am Geoffrey’s Cat, Faramund Stinktier, ZEAL, S.L. Pomfret (aka Fish Rap), Zachariah Skunk, Balbina Ko of Holstein Fashion, and Momoko Yamaneko, and Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

OTD in 2016—Police trainees find more lucrative positions outside Park: report

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police_dogA report released today says that a significant number of Park Police trainees and graduates are opting to accept full-time positions outside The Park.

The report, which was commissioned by the Archons and conducted by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), found that at least eighteen percent of those who graduated within the past five years have availed themselves of employment opportunities in Human police forces outside The Park.

“We are bleeding our brightest and our best,” Kakapo said at a press conference outside Park police headquarters this morning.

Faced with these figures, Kakapo said The Park has no choice but to address the problems that are facing the force. He cited one statistic he called “particularly alarming,” and that is that at least one quarter of the eighteen percent who left  listed their top three reasons for the move as better pay, more respect from the public, and less interference from their superiors.

Kakapo said he plans to sit down this weekend with Gareth Shepherd, head of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) to discuss what can be done to keep trainees and graduates in The Park.

“This is a crisis situation and we plan to address it as such,” Kakapo said.

OTD in 2014—Park Finance Officer goes AWOL amid calls for his resignation

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StrutsPark Finance Officer Milton Struts has not made any public appearances since last Wednesday, when he allegedly made a number of specist remarks during a massive budget protest.

As a result, a number of Park citizen groups are calling for his resignation, saying he has “lost his way” and become “too entrenched” in the budget process.

“We need new blood, that’s for sure,” says Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS) and a long-time critic of Struts.

Small Animal Reform Group (SARG) head Mason L. Tortoise agrees.

“If he can’t face us and defend what he calls a budget, then it’s time for him to go and for us to have an Animal who understands Park life,” he says.

Meanwhile, Sylvana Rana, president of the pro-sortition group Save Our Political System (SOPS) calls the budget “a threat to our way of life.”

“I don’t know what Struts was thinking when he put this thing together,” she says. “It’s as if he was panic-stricken and couldn’t make a decision.”

Rana says Struts’s seeming indecisiveness and what she calls the “total inappropriateness” of the budget might serve as fodder for those who advocate moving to an elected system of government. Presently, the lottery system known as sortition is used annually to select the 35 Animals who serve as our government. The Archons, who are the de facto heads of the Park Finance Office, have not as yet made any statement regarding the 2015 budget.

“To say that I’m disappointed in their silence is a gross understatement,” Rana says. “If they can’t defend our political system by supporting their choice of budget head, they are effectively handing us over to the other side.”

OTD in 2014—Ready, set, go! The Shakeoff starts now!

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The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.The Shakeoff (formerly known as the “Shake for Charity”) is in full swing in The Park today.

The semi-annual charity event “is all about Animals helping Animals” in the lead-up to Winter, says organizing committee head Andras Yak.

“Our goal is to enable those who cannot grow an adequate coat, for whatever reason, to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

Last September, the event yielded one tonne (yes, you read that correctly!) of hair, all of which came in handy during the unusually cold Winter.

“Our senior residents, in particular, were very grateful for the yield,” Yak says. “And we’re hoping to surpass that this year.”

Also making a return appearance are the on-site groomers who are offering free, new hairstyles to participants and, of course, lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Florette’s Fine Edibles, The Nut Bar, Ants in Your Pantry, and Clowder.

So, remember:  “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park

OTD in 2013—2013 Interspecial Summer Games Official Schedule

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2013 Interspecial Summer Games LOGO

AQUATIC SPORTS
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
Rowing (September 27)
Diving (September 23)
Swimming: Butterfly (September 28)
Swimming: Other Strokes (September 28)

AQUATIC SPORTS
CANINES ONLY
Dog Paddling (September 28)

ARCHERY
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 25

BALL AND STICK EVENTS 
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 24

CHASING
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 26

HERDING
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 27

GLIDING
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 28

GYMNASTICS
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 30

JUMPING SPORTS
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
High Jump: September 29
Short Jump: September 29
Long Jump: September 30
Broad Jump: September 30

LEAF RACING
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 30

RETRIEVING
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 26

RUNNING SPORTS
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
Racing: September 29
Sprinting: September 30

SACK RACING
OPEN TO MARSUPIAL TEAMS ONLY
All events: October 1

STINGING
OPEN TO INSECT, AQUATIC, REPTILIAN TEAMS ONLY
All events: September 30

TUNNELING
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 25

WRESTLING
OPEN TO ALL SPECIES
All events: September 27

In addition to these events, the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games will present a limited number of species-specific events:

EQUESTRIAN ONLY EVENTS: September 30
REPTILIAN ONLY EVENTS: October 1
AMPHIBIAN ONLY EVENTS: September 23
AVIAN ONLY EVENTS: September 28

CLOSING CEREMONIES
October 1, 5:00 pm

OTD in 2014—Park Finance Officer Struts called out for “specist” remarks made Wednesday

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Struts

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is taking criticism in the media and in shops around The Park this morning for remarks he made during the massive budget protest held yesterday.

As he moved through the record crowd, many Animals say they heard Struts complaining that the protesters had no budget-planning experience, so they had nothing to offer and nothing to “grouse” about.

“Ignorance breeds ignorance,” is another phrase that many say Struts mumbled. But what really disturbed participants was the second specist remark that Struts let slip from his lips on more than one occasion.

In reference to both the organizers and the strong supporters of the protest, Animals say Struts used the term “Whistlepiggery” on more than one occasion.

“He said the protest was just another example of Whistlepiggery in The Park,” says Adeline Hedgehog, who was present at the protest from the beginning.

“He said it and he didn’t look at all remorseful afterwards,” she says.

Another protester, Elton Zebra, said Struts had a “certain glint in his eye” when he said it.

“He knew exactly what he was saying and who he was saying it about,” says Zebra.

The term “Whistlepiggery” is a derogatory term that was outlawed in The Park a year after zoocracy. It is meant to characterize an Animal as conniving and untrustworthy.

As it happened, the Wednesday anti-budget protest was organized in part by Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). It was also strongly supported by Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., the organizer of the annual Groundhog Day celebrations, as well as by other organizers of Park events and the heads of The Park’s Animal aid services. Absent from the protest were members of The Park’s environmental groups and the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), who are said to be quite pleased with the budget.

In a statement on behalf of his membership, Wellington Whistlepig expressed “deep disappointment” in Struts’s alleged attitude and called on the Finance Officer to make an official apology.

“If  he did, in fact, say those things of which he has been accused, he owes us all an apology for the very unzoocratic way in which he has dealt with dissent,” the statement read in part.

Meanwhile, The Park’s storefronts all agreed to display a very unflattering caricature of Struts with his head in the sand, signifying that he lives in the “dark ages before zoocracy.” The storefronts will continue to display the caricature, they say, until they receive an apology.

Thus far, however, no apology nor comment has been forthcoming either from Struts or from the Park Finance Office.

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: My Humans look at other Dogs. What should I do?

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I live with the two Humans who adopted me a few years ago. Our life together is good, but one thing about their behaviour really bothers me. They can’t seem to stay away from other Dogs. Whenever we’re outside and they see another Dog, they make these embarrassing “ ooohing” and “aaahing” sounds. They’ve even been known to cross the street just to get a better look at another Dog! Are other Dogs a threat to my happy home? What should I do?-INSECURE

DEAR INSECURE: Ah, the joys of Human companionship! Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at it, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. But, cheer up! There is hope on the horizon.

While their behaviour is a mystery to other Animals, there is one thing that almost all of us agree on: loyalty is not a trait that we associate with the Human species.

So, it should come as no surprise that Humans might spend time looking at other Dogs — even going so far as to offer them food or affection — without any sense that this might be upsetting to their own Dog. This occurs indoors as well as on the street, I might add, and generally does nothing for the Human-Canine bond at home.

Still, what makes up for Humans’ lack of loyalty is a trait known colloquially as “generosity” and it is likely this trait that will save you from an unpleasant outcome in these circumstances. And that is because, should your Humans fall for another Dog, research shows they are 182 times more likely to add that Dog to your household than to replace you with this new one. So, rather than being a threat to your happiness, other Dogs may actually end up increasing it.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

OTD in 2014—Social media site gewper in talks to produce scented movie: rumour

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GewperThe Park’s social media darling gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) is said to be in talks with producer Egbert Bunzing to bring a scented film to the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) next year.

The social media site, which is owned by RhinoTech, Inc. has enjoyed enormous success since it ventured into scent two years ago. The company’s partnership with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, proved to be a game-changer, according to Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok.

“They opened up a whole new world with the ability to smell [those with whom they were interacting] and it has yet to be matched by any other company,” she says.

RhinoTech’s earnings skyrocketed a year after they introduced scent to the site and the company was believed to be working on a project that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace. Tapir says that idea has been put on hold temporarily and they are now looking to break into what she calls “pure entertainment.”

For his part, those who know Bunzing say that he’s been looking for an “edgy” new idea and that this “is right up his alley.” Calls to his publicist, however, have not been returned and repeated requests for RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn to comment on this story have gone unanswered.

OTD in 2014—Dare to compare, say budget opponents calling for massive protest Wednesday

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Three Budgets

The 2015 “streamlined” budget that was presented by the Park Finance Office last month remains a contentious issue among residents, with some in the business community calling for a full re-think.

“I think we are owed some kind of explanation, as well as a full accounting, not this shoddy business that they’ve offered us,” say members of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

Also calling for a free and full public discussion of the matter is Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Not surprisingly, Whistlepig is not at all pleased with the 10% of the budget that is earmarked for “special events.” He says he has no idea how much of that 10% will go to Groundhog Day.

“Special events?” he asks. “Groundhog Day is so much more than a ‘special event.’ It’s the backbone of our community,” he says, exasperated.

“I’ve dealt with cutbacks and surpluses … back and forth. And last minute, too. But this is the most outrageous allocation of funds I’ve ever seen.”

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations is also calling for a re-do of the budget.

At her office this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, went on record as saying her department “cannot function with only 10% of the budget.”

“Are they forgetting how important these events are?” she asked.

Though reluctant to lend her support to the idea of a full-blown protest, Kanariar said she hopes the Archons and the PFO “take note of current sentiment.”

Meanwhile, both PASS and a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups have organized what they are calling a “massive protest” to be held on Wednesday. Plans so far are for protesters to meet in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

“We have no doubt that we’ll be able to get our message out this way,” says Whistlepig.

OTD in 2012—Will Nestor’s pivotal water study result in a paradigm shift?

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Human manipulation, extra-hortulanial topology, weather, technology, and Animal magnetism: all these elements and more are responsible for the high degree of academic and public interest surrounding the results of Nestor P. Cat’s pivotal study of the flow of water.

The results of the study, which are to be published this February in the prestigious scientific journal, Eureka, come some four years after Nestor set out on his quest to understand the intricate twists and turns of water behaviour.

Sparked by his innate curiosity and funded by the independent scientific agency, The Four Ws (Winter, Water, Weather, and Wellbeing Experts), the crucial investigation has the potential of changing the way water patterns are thought about in The Park. This, in turn, may have the unprecedented effect of altering the way in which water is gathered and dispensed by Park agencies, including The Park’s weather office.

“There is definitely potential for a trickle-down scenario,” said a spokesAnimal for The Park’s weather office.

Early findings from the study, which were leaked last month to this newspaper, suggest that, in an adjunct study, Nestor, inadvertently, may also have tapped into a water source that was previously unknown to Park authorities.

Many Park scientists remain skeptical, however, not only about the study’s results, but about its methodology.

“Nestor’s scientific method is impeccable,” said University of West Terrier scientist and waterworks expert, Francis G. Beaver. “He is a devoted scientist and his study was arduous. Still, we believe that there are inherent problems in his methodology. At the risk of appearing specist, many of us in The Park’s scientific community believe that, because this was an observational study, it should have involved more than one species of Animal.”

Others are critical of the fact that Nestor chose to broaden the scope of the study by taking it outside The Park.

“While I commend him [Nestor] for refusing to limit his study to the behaviour of Park water (her emphasis), I believe that expanding the study into an arena in which the major actors are Humans adds a degree of vulnerability to his conclusions,” said Dr. Milada J. Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the UWT.

Despite the controversy, The Park’s scientific community says that it stands firmly in support of Nestor’s research.

“He is a meticulous scientist and an acute observer,” said Dr. Beaver.

This issue originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily.

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