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OTD in 2017—Bedfellows’ singer pleads at Mating Dance: “Help me save my family!”

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bedbug-1 Hugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, has asked for our help to save the members of his family who reside outside The Park.

In an impassioned plea at yesterday’s Mating Dance, the singer explained that a large contingent of his family has lived outside The Park for decades, but that a recent “war” on his species had made that choice untenable.

“They are under constant siege, having to move from house to house, often in the middle of the night,” he said, moments after the group concluded their set.

Percevejo, who was, himself, attacked last December while on a short trip to visit friends outside The Park, said his species has become subject to violence and chemical attacks on a regular basis.

“My species is fighting a battle against Humans and I fear it’s one we cannot win,” he said. “We have no choice but to leave our homes. But we need your help to do that.”

The singer’s plea was met with cheers of support and promises of aid, but as of this morning, there had been no official word from either from the Archons or from the Department of Well-Being and Safety. Many of The Park’s aid groups have stepped up to offer their assistance, however, and some prominent members of The Park’s musical community have done so as well. Most  notably, the Endeka Elephant Band has offered to travel outside The Park to bring back Percevejo’s family members.

“We know the situation they’re in and we will do our best to save them,” said Árvakur Fíl, a member of the Endeka band, whose  bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed by Humans last year while visiting his family in Africa.

OTD in 2013—Funding cuts, ignorance threaten Barkettes’ legacy: CMA

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Canine Music AssociationThe Canine Music Association is pulling no punches in its most recent criticism of The Park’s underfunding of cultural endeavours.

In the latest issue of its newsletter, which is sent to CMA members and affiliates, the Association voiced its strongest attack yet on The Park’s Finance Office (PFO) and its policies. Calling PFO officials “incompetent and ignorant,” the Association stopped just short of accusing the PFO of corruption.

“We’re howling mad about this,” said CMA president, R.F. Aarrf, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It seems as though the PFO and related departments, such as Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, only care about Park culture when it can hire it for a day or two as entertainment. Other than that, they provide very little support for educating our young about The Park’s cultural heritage,” he said.

Aarrf went on to discuss the results of a recent survey conducted by the CMA.

“One out of four Animals in The Park under the age of 20 has no idea of The Barkettes’ role in breaking the species barrier,” he said. “One or two more generations of Animals who are not taught about this…that’s all it takes to wipe out their [The Barkettes’] legacy completely and kill what we’ve all worked so hard for.”

Aarrf says he’s sounding the alarm now lest Park Animals become so complacent that they lose everything their ancestors fought for.

“If we lose sight of our hard-won accomplishments, it won’t take very long for us to discover that we have to do it all over again. And, next time, the world may not be so accommodating,” he says.

See also:

History and Legacy of The Barkettes
Canine Music Association announces award

OTD in 2015—Gecko credits “stick–to–itiveness” for victory in 2015 Toe-Hair Contest

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TH contest winnerNot all of us have what it takes to win first prize in the annual Toe-Hair Contest.

But according to this year’s winner, it takes more than just long toe hairs.

S. Irving Gecko, who took first prize in The Park’s 20th annual Toe-Hair Contest on Friday shared his “winning formula” with a radio audience the night after his victory.

“Winning the prize is 90% stick-to-itiveness and 10% toe hairs,” Gecko said in an interview on Reptile Radio.

Gecko confessed this was not his first attempt to win the contest.

“It’s not easy,” he said. “I can scale a vertical wall and even hang upside down, but to get to the top of the toe hair pile, it takes what I call stick-to-itiveness,” he said.

Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear would agree. The first prize winner in 2012, the Bear had lost five times before the prize was his.

“But it was all worth it in the end,” he said later.

Past judges of the annual event confirm that it’s not unusual for a winner to have entered many times before.

“It happens more than you think,” says Oskar Sloth, who was one of the judges of the 2012 contest.

Gecko thinks that may not be such a bad thing.

“I don’t know how other winners feel, but I think maybe it’s a bit sweeter for me because I had to try that much harder,” he said.

The second and third prize winners in Friday’s contest were Bruno T. Orso and Francesca Leone.

OTD in 2013—DWBS to endangered species: use or lose your benefits

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The Department of Well-Being and Safety is reminding members of endangered species to take advantage of the benefits that are offered to them by The Park's administrationIf you or someone you know is a member of an endangered species, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety has an important message for you: sign up for your benefits within the next six months or risk losing them, forever.

“We’re not meaning to be harsh or hard-hearted about this,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But it is becoming increasingly important for us to have an accurate figure [for benefits] to present to The Park’s budget committee. Since benefits under the Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP) are one of the the biggest items in our budget, we are asking Animals who qualify but who have not applied, to please do so before the end of the calendar year.”

Kakapo says that when the DWBS established the programme seven years ago, nearly two hundred species of Park Animals were eligible for the benefits.

“That number has grown exponentially. It is almost impossible for us to keep up with the growing number of species [that have become eligible for the programme], let alone the number of new eligibles who have come to The Park through our refugee, re-homing, and other programmes,” he said.

In a report presented earlier this year at the University of West Terrier’s Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science, Kakapo noted that over the last year, the DWBS had hired an additional five full-time and seven part-time workers just to deal with endangered species issues.

“I suppose you might say that means that our programmes are working,” Kakapo joked at the time.

Neither he nor the rest of the DWBS is joking now, though.

“It’s a matter of great importance to all of us in The Park, so make sure you sign up for what’s coming to you before it’s too late,” he says.

Benefits under the Endangered Species Benefits Programme include the following:

• Entry into The Park’s Endangered Species Registry (ESR)

• Official Endangered Species Photo Identity Card

• Health and Dental Insurance (medicaments included)

• Longevity check-up (once per year)

• Legacy photographs of your family taken by official Park photographer

• Family tree plotting (1 copy per resident)

• Estate planning service

• Taxidermy/Cryopreservation/Burial consultations and services

• Free admission to all Park museums and attractions

N.B. The term “endangered species” is defined as any species that has been designated as “officially endangered” by both The Park’s administration and the Department of Well-Being and Safety.

OTD in 2017—Tricolore to open pop-up version of new “grassRoutes” resto at Mating Dance

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Tab TricoloreWith all that dancing and mingling and socializing, you can really work up an appetite at the Mating Dance.

But, this year, Tab Tricolore will come to the rescue.

In anticipation of his first annual Feral Roots Festival in July, the Celebrity chef, restaurateur, and author will open a pop-up version of his new restaurant (opening date as yet undetermined), grassRoutes.

Samples of the “all natural” fare were available this morning at a press gathering hosted by Tricolore and his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. While Tricolore walked through the crowd acting like a proud father, Burmilla expounded on each dish, discussing provenance, cooking techniques, presentation, and most important of all, flavours.

Since the permanent grassRoutes restaurant will feature naturally-sourced feral cuisine, Burmilla took pains to explain the meaning of the term, as well as the health benefits and financial rewards. He also offered these two important pieces of advice: Don’t buy anything that shouldn’t grow where you live or that is bigger than it should be. And don’t mess around with good natural ingredients.

“These are the only two rules to follow in feral cuisine,” he said. “And remember: food that is naturally grown and naturally-sourced is cheaper by half and three times as good for you.”

Despite his saucy nickname, Burmilla said he is just as “evangelical” about food as his former boss.

“Tab and I not only share a history, we share a passion for good, tasty, nutrition. Otherwise, we couldn’t work together,” he said.

OTD in 2015—On your mark, get set, go! Drop your metaphors at the door and join MWM!

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Month Without MetaphorPark media’s second annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) begins today!

The initiative aims to gauge the effectiveness of reporting the news “without embellishments, comparisons, and the painting of pictures for the reading public,” according to its organizers.

You can follow Park media as they tweet through the month at Month Without Metaphor (MWM).

OTD in 2017—Grooming houses “fully booked” for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings

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tallulahstoilettageBusiness is so good at The Park’s grooming houses that it’s almost overwhelming.

“We are fully booked for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings,” says Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “We’re even over-booked on our waiting list.”

Such is the state of grooming in The Park these days that both Tallulah and Amoltrud Poedel, owner and operator of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, say they’re on the hunt for bigger premises.

“It’s not a matter of hiring anymore; it’s a matter of where would you put more staff and customers?” says Poedel, who along with Tallulah and the owners of The Mane Event, The Pluming Room, and En Garde Hair and Skin Salon, founded the Park School of Aesthetics in 2014 in order to deal with a shortage of grooming staff in The Park.

Now, a few years later, they have a constant stream of new talent to add to their roster. But with The Park’s population growing steadily and fewer Animals doing their own grooming, many of the Big Five, as they like to call themselves, have outgrown their homes.

“It’s a good problem to have, but it’s a problem nonetheless,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.

Bärin credits the growth in the number of Park events for the surge in business, but she also thinks they should be spread out more.

“I don’t envy my friends at The Pluming Room,” she says. “They’ve been booked up for the Mating Dance and the Fowl Ball since February.”

Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner, confirms that fact but, like Bärin, says it’s the right problem to have.

“We won’t get any sleep until June, but we’ll enjoy it all the more,” she laughs.

OTD in 2017—Ingolf Ewald donates “Wisdom Rejects Beauty” to Fowl Ball auction

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wisdom-rejects-beautyRenowned artist Ingolf Ewald has donated one of his most famous paintings to the Fowl Ball auction.

“Wisdom Rejects Beauty,” which has hung for years in a gallery outside The Park, will be on the auction block on May 31, and will help to fund the new Avian retirement home.

In a short announcement this morning, Fowl Ball organizer Rafael Ortega expressed his “profound” gratitude to Ewald, calling him “an extraordinarily generous artist” who has shared not only his work but his time and enthusiasm with residents of The Park.

Ewald, who is known as a recluse, first arrived in The Park to open The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s 2015 exhibition, “Art of the Domestic Feline.” In addition to opening the exhibition, Ewald lent his most famous painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat” to it. He followed that visit with another secret visit in 2016 and earlier this month, he painted live for six days at the PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY.”

The artist himself will transport “Wisdom Rejects Beauty” to The Park in mid-May and it will hang in the PMoCA until the end of the month, when it will be moved to the Ball’s headquarters.

OTD in 2017—Ronald Grouse declares war on Metaphor, Hyperbole, and Manipulation

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mwm-posterRonald Grouse has declared war. But we’ll only be able to print that until Monday.

Just a few days before the start of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor (MWM), The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst and newly-elected MWM director held a press conference this morning in which he himself used the war metaphor. And many more.

“It’s time we declared war on some of the tools that media use,” he said. “We need to communicate better and more effectively. We need straight talk: just the facts, no hyperbole. And we need to stop manipulating our readers. Our job is to inform, not to perform,” he said.

Grouse, who has in the past criticized the direction in which Park media appeared to be headed, said he is looking forward to May’s event.

“I look forward to steering Month Without Metaphor toward success,” he said. “The challenges we face as Park citizens are serious ones that require us to be clear-eyed and open-minded. I hope to be able to engage the hearts and minds of readers and listeners and build momentum toward creating a more honest and open media that will help with the problems we face.”

OTD in 2016—Toe-Hair Contest exacerbates fear of extinction in some Animals: therapist

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Rhino LoserThe Park’s annual Toe-Hair Contest may be having a devastating effect on the vulnerable in our population, according to mental health specialist Victoire Caméléon.

The part-time researcher and psychotherapist, who works at one of The Park’s two Extinction Anxiety Clinics, made the assertion this past weekend.

Speaking at a conference on extinction and mental health at the University of West Terrier, Caméléon said evidence suggests that the annual competition negatively affects those who fear for the survival of their species.

“This is not simply an issue of self esteem; it is an issue of survival and Animals’ sense of self-preservation,” she said.

The annual contest, which has come to signal the beginning of Spring, rewards those who are most able to grow long, thick, healthy toe-hairs over the Winter season.

But, Caméléon said, many in our vulnerable populations are not able to do so, through no fault of their own. Still, the emphasis the contest places on this one aspect has made some Animals feel weaker and less able to survive.

“There are a number of factors that are involved in toe-hair growth, as well as in other aspects of physical health,”  Caméléon said. “Everything from the environment to emotional stress to having the luxury of time and the resources to cultivate oneself can affect toe-hair growth. We should be cognizant of that when we reward Animals for something that they are not in complete control of.”

Yet, even despite these negative effects, Caméléon is not calling for an end to the contest.

“It began as purely a fun event, almost a farcical celebration of the post-Winter season. I think we should preserve that aspect of the contest and place less emphasis on the winning part,” she said.

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