The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2009—Cesar Emilio Gander

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Suddenly and tragically on the afternoon of 15 January 2009, as a result of a collision with a passenger aircraft. Cesar Emilio Gander, third generation Park citizen, loyal and loving mate, father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, and friend. The son of Consuela and Arnaldo Goose, Cesar Emilio was born, bred, and educated in The Park. While a student at the University of West Terrier, he founded GooseBook and, after graduation, he opened GanderMatch.com and CyBird Dating Services, two of the most successful mating services in The Park.

An enthusiastic entrepreneur, Cesar was an ardent supporter of cross-border trade and a vocal advocate of interspecial harmony. Described as a “passionately patriotic Park citizen,” Cesar strongly believed that Park talent should be fostered and encouraged to remain in The Park and, to that end, he founded The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, BirdBrains.

A true “Gander’s Gander,” Cesar leaves a flock of mourners, including his parents, his mate, Belinda Goose, goslings Sarah, George, Millie, Charles, Anthony, Gwendolyn, Henry, Antoinette, Marguerite, and Phoebe, his sisters Carmelita and 2009 Archon Jacinta Goose, his brothers Manuel and Romero, and his many nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends.

Donations in his memory may be made to BirdBrains, to the Trauma Centre at the University of West Terrier Medical College, or to Goose & Gander Search and Rescue Association of The Park (GGSRAP).

OTD in 2016—TMD, Avian Messenger snag outgoing Chief Archon’s only exit interview

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Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo (Chief Archon)The Mammalian Daily and The Avian Messenger have secured the only interview that outgoing Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo intends to give.

The joint interview was announced in a statement issued simultaneously by both newspapers and by Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons. It will take place tomorrow morning at ten o’clock in the Chief Archon’s office. The 2016 Archons will be sworn in on Saturday, January 16.

Chief Archon Cuckoo is expected to discuss the changes she has witnessed in The Park, the future of zoocracy, and what she believes her legacy will be. The Mammalian Daily and The Avian Messenger will each send two political reporters to the interview.

OTD in 2015—Thane Tarsier pleads not guilty to charge of “Cease to Care” this morning

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Thane TarsierThane Tarsier appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in The Park’s Superior Court this morning to plead not guilty to the charge of “Cease to Care.”

Tarsier, who stood alongside his lawyer, Delwyn Terrier, said little in court other than to acknowledge that he understood the charge. When the Justice asked how he intended to plead, Tarsier deferred to his lawyer, who said simply, “We intend to plead not guilty.”

“Cease to Care,” a little-known offence under The Park’s Participation Act, involves the deliberate withholding of one’s name as a candidate for the position of Archon.

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the Department of Political Administration (DPA) of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Because this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” says DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

Laying charges against Park citizens is not the DPA’s first step, however.

“We don’t like to involve the Police or the courts,” Fourmi says. “We try to reason with our citizens, to appeal to their sense of duty. But when there is no response, that leaves us with little choice.”

On Friday, after the DPA confirmed that Tarsier had withheld his name wilfully, Park Police laid the charge against him.

Tarsier’s trial will begin after Groundhog Day, according to a spokesAnimal for the courts.

OTD in 2017—Burrowers chase Humans out of Park for photographing hibernators

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hibernatorsTwo Park burrowers are being hailed as heroes today, after police confirmed they ran a group of Humans out of The Park when they found them photographing Animals in hibernation.

At a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, praised Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, whose quick thinking, Addax said, “preserved the privacy and safety of our hibernating community.”

According to Inspector Addax, the two burrowers spotted what they believed were a couple of illegal holes near their own burrows. After further investigation, they found a cache of small video and still cameras, and several sets of Human footprints. Before they had time to call Park Police, the group of Humans returned, and the two burrowers ran them out of The Park. Police are now in possession of the cameras.

The pair, who attended the press conference this morning, say they don’t feel like heroes at all.

Królik, who calls himself, “an ordinary burrower,” told reporters the actions of the Humans offended his sense of propriety.

“I wasn’t even thinking about the law when I saw them [the Humans]. I was thinking that our vulnerable citizens needed protection and I was going to make sure they got it.”

For his part, Coelho said he could only imagine what it must feel like to be violated by Humans while you’re in hibernation.

“It’s just not right. I have many friends in the hibernating community and I know their lives are difficult. They don’t need any added stress, or the fear that their every movement will be recorded while they try to survive the Winter,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Developing story: Gunnar Rotte claims he was assaulted at bakery outside Park

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Gunnar RotteDEVELOPING STORY
Journalist Gunnar Espen Rotte, who gained notoriety in December when he published a controversial editorial in the Rodent Commoner, claims that he was assaulted this morning when he was shopping at a bakery outside The Park.

Rotte, whose opinion piece was entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” has been the target of threats since early December. He spent two weeks in hiding and was the recipient of personal security from Park Police until January 1.

Rotte told The Mammalian Daily in a call from his burrow that that he had gone on a “usual” excursion outside The Park to buy some pastries for a small gathering he is hosting tonight.

“As soon as I walked into the place, I could feel the tension,” Rotte said.

The bakery was filled with customers, most of them Humans, and Rotte said he just wanted to place his order and leave.

“But before I knew it, they’d mobilized. One got a broom; another got a spray can. I went behind the counter, picked up two pies, threw my money at the server and ran,” he said. “I didn’t even wait for the change.”

Rotte was visibly shaken when he returned to The Park, his friends say.

“He ran into his burrow and stayed there for about an hour. Then he called us to say he was all right.”

OTD in 2016—Scented TV update: Animals remain hospitalized as investigations continue

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Vertebrate Vision TVEighty per cent of Park Animals who were hospitalized after watching a scented television show on December 27 remain in hospital, according to a joint update issued by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS),

The Animals were among those who arrived at the hospital roughly a half-hour into the show’s broadcast on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV). Their symptoms included dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems, and hair loss.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like what happened here that night,” said Hermione Hippo, the Park Hospital’s head nurse, at a short press conference last week.

The holiday show was a joint project of VVTV, Chef Tab Tricolore, and gewper, The Park’s only scented social networking site. RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the companies that supplied the show’s scent, now find themselves under investigation by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), while VVTV launched its own investigation on December 28. The findings of that investigation are expected to be made public sometime in March, a VVTV spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.

Meanwhile, the sickly cohort is expected to remain at the hospital at least until the middle of the month, Hippo says.

“They’re just beginning to be able to walk without toppling over, and they’re taking small amounts of food. They’re moving in a positive direction, but very slowly,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Lawsuit brought by Simply Structures may “have legs,” says legal expert

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jgroundhogdayThe lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.

At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.

According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.

Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.

“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.

The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.

OTD in 2016—Zoocracy still unpopular with Animals outside The Park: book

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In Spite (1)A new book authored by three distinguished professors at the University of West Terrier suggests that zoocracy is still a hard sell outside The Park.

The book, entitled, “In Spite of Ourselves: Animal Attitudes Toward Zoocracy Outside The Park,” has caused quite a stir here and has garnered both positive and negative reviews, as citizens and media attempt to digest the authors’ conclusions.

“I admit that it’s difficult to understand their [Animals outside The Park] perspective, but I don’t think that difficulty should negate the significance of our findings,” says Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the UWT’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy.

Those findings suggest that Animals who live outside The Park, and particularly those who live either in a domestic situation or in close contact with Humans, are reluctant to give up what they believe to be their “perks” for what they perceive to be a much more difficult life.

“In some cases, it is a misperception, while in other cases, we would have to agree that some Animals who live with Humans have a much easier life, at least in terms of food security and housing,” says Fionnula L. Fox, a UWT professor law who specializes in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

Still, as psychology professor Luule Aednik points out, much of that so-called security is tenuous.

“When we look—just even at our immigration and refugee statistics here in The Park—we see that Animals who had thought they would be safe and well-cared for indefinitely have had to face abandonment and worse. That is how they’ve come to be Park citizens in the first place,” she says.

All three authors admit, however, that it is difficult to persuade Animals who believe they are living “the good life” to trade that in for total responsibility, not just for themselves, but for their fellow citizens.

“The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. What we do know for certain is that it is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition. It’s a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make. In many cases, they simply are not willing to sacrifice short-term comfort for long-term gain,” Aednik says.

OTD in 2014: Massive crowd greets opening of Park’s Otter Ice Slide

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An enthusiastic crowd gathered this afternoon to witness the 2014 opening of The Park’s Otter Ice Slide.

The Slide, which is the favourite recreational venue of The Park’s Otter families, operates annually from January 6 until March 13. But today marked the first time it had been open since January 10 of last year, when the Department of Well-Being and Safety shut it down following the accident suffered by Boldizsar Vidra. On January 9, Vidra was injured when his coat got stuck on the Slide’s ice as he was travelling down it at a high speed.

Budget cutbacks and questionable weather purchases were blamed for the dangerous ice conditions on the Slide. Vidra recovered after a long convalescence, but several groups lobbied to keep the Slide closed permanently.

At the opening ceremony this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo assured attendees that conditions on the Slide would be watched closely and attended to immediately.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety takes the welfare of Park Animals very seriously. Any great fluctuations in temperature or anything else that affects the condition of the Slide’s ice will be dealt with in a timely fashion,” he said.

On This Day in 2014: Arctic temperatures may add stress to job of POPS: expert

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The Arctic-like temperatures that have overtaken The Park over the past few weeks may end up adding stress to the job of our 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), says at least one expert in the field.

Speaking with talk show host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Park psychotherapist Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon said she believed that come Groundhog Day, 2014 POPS Solange Graciela Marmotte will be under a lot of pressure to predict an early Spring.

“She will want to be the bearer of good news but if, indeed, she does see her shadow, she must tell us so. That will be a very difficult thing for her to do and I have no doubt she will find that conflict extremely stressful,” Gibbon said.

Gibbon, who is in private practice but is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, said she believes that even though Marmotte is in hibernation, she is aware of the difficult Winter we are having.

“I think, subconsciously, she may even be struggling with a form of ‘hibernators’ guilt’ and be feeling a high degree of tension due to the sympathy she is feeling for her non-hibernating compatriots. I think our POPS is in a very difficult position this year,” Gibbon said.

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