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On This Day—December 8, 2016: Director Douglas Cheetah to head fundraising at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

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Extinction AnxietyRenowned film director Douglas Cheetah will join The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic in January as its head of fundraising, it was announced today.

Cheetah and EAC head Dr. Berthilidis Strix made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“The need for fundraising underscores the seriousness of the situation,” Strix said, as Cheetah fielded questions from reporters about the dire situation faced by his own species.

In an emotional response to the question of why he decided to take the job, for which he will not receive a salary, the director said he thought it was time he did his part in the fight against extinction and extinction anxiety.

“For too long, I turned away from the reality of the situation. I convinced myself that I wasn’t threatened. But I see now that that was extinction anxiety at its worst and least productive. Now that I am facing it head-on, I want to do my part to help others who suffer from this debilitating condition,” he said.

Cheetah added that no fight against extinction anxiety would be effective unless it was paired with a fight against extinction, itself.

“There’s no point in just telling members of endangered species to calm down. We have to give them a reason to go on. We have to give them hope for a future,” he said.

On This Day—December 7, 2014: Police impose curfew, ban on travel amid protests and disappearances

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FCSW President Gareth ShepherdAfter an overnight series of consultations with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, Park Police announced today that they have imposed a curfew on Park residents and a ban on travel outside The Park.

Gareth Shepherd, a 17-year veteran of the force and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged press conference.

The announcement read as follows:

Due to recent events, including violent protests, threats on the lives of Park Animals, and a number of mysterious disappearances, the Archons and the Park Police have made the decision to impose order on The Park by establishing a 10:00 p.m. curfew on all residents, as well as a ban on travel outside The Park.

More details of these arrangements will be made public shortly. For now, please be advised that officers will be permanently stationed at all Park exits and will begin making rounds at 9:50 this evening.

Park Police and the Archons are appealing to all residents to respect this decision. It was made with the welfare of all in mind.

Shepherd also confirmed that they have enlisted the assistance of the Does of Peace in this effort.

The new restrictions come into effect tonight, December 8, 2014.

This story will be updated as more information is gathered.

On This Day—December 6, 2015: DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

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Non-Hibernators' GuiltThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

On This Day—December 5, 2016: Blandine Okapi: “Sortition gives us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

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Blandine OkapiFormer Archon Transition Team (ATT) member Blandine Okapi is taking some heat for her most recent remarks about sortition and the annual selection of government in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published in The Ruminant Free Press yesterday, Okapi calls the process of sortition, which has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons, “a ridiculous idea” and says bluntly, “All it does is give us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

Okapi, who quit the ATT two years ago in order to work with the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), claims she is drawing from her experience in politics and government when she says that sortition is “keeping The Park in a state of inertia.”

“As we look forward this year to celebrating the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy, we have to ask ourselves what we’ve accomplished here,” she writes. “If our goal was to mature as a Park and to be the model for Animal self-government everywhere, I would say we have failed miserably.”

Reaction to Okapi’s scathing criticism has been swift. At a joint press conference this morning, 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose and Sylvana Rana, president of  Save Our Political System (SOPS), countered her arguments, saying that sortition is the best method available to ensure fair and equitable representation in government.

Former Chief Archon Moose went on to speak of his experience in governing The Park:

“I unequivocally dispute Okapi’s portrait of the members of our governments as being either unable or unwilling or both. During my term as Chief Archon, I worked with some of the most able Animals I have ever met and every one of them was one hundred percent committed to zoocracy and to the values that Jor stood for,” he said.

On This Day—December 5, 2015: Endangered species band announces dates, venues for “The Farewell Tour”

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Endangered species bandLast Stand, the newly-formed band whose members all hail from endangered species, has announced the dates and venues of its “Farewell Tour.”

In a press release issued today, the band’s founder and lead guitarist, who goes by the name of RAYdius, declared his band to be “ready, willing, and able to embark on its first and last tour.”

But this may just be the beginning. In a radio interview yesterday, RAYdius expressed his hope that there would be more concerts to announce. He also put out a call to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations that the new band would love to receive an invitation to appear at some of The Park’s major events.

“We’re hoping to be invited to the swearing-in ceremony of the new Archons and to the Groundhog Day celebrations, but so far, we haven’t heard anything,” he said.

Tickets for the first concert, at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will go on sale on Monday, December 14.

On This Day—December 4, 2016: Celebrity chef to feature food of the feral world in new TV series

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Tab TricoloreCelebrity chef Tab Tricolore will try his hand at television again in the new year.

In a run-up to his first Feral Roots Festival in July, the chef and restaurateur will host a television series on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV) featuring the “foods of the feral world.”

In a joint announcement across all media, VVTV and Tricolore shared their excitement about the show and emphasized their commitment to each other, despite their troubles last year.

In a separate post on his GooseBook page, Tricolore talked about his own feral roots and his relationship with the feral community outside The Park, where he was born.

“On food gathering missions for my many restaurants, I’ve had the privilege of reconnecting with the feral communities outside The Park. They have been enormously generous to me, sharing their crops and their recipes and I look forward to doing the same with my audience. Thank you again, Vertebrate Vision, for this great opportunity,” the post said, in part.

The television series will be broadcast on Tuesday nights, beginning in February 2018, a spokesAnimal for VVTV told The Mammalian Daily.

On This Day—December 3, 2012: Park citizens feigning illness to avoid Archon duty: report

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A new report released by the Department of Political Administration (DPA) paints a bleak picture of Park citizens’ commitment to participation in their government.

According to the report, entitled “Don’t Count Me In”, the number of Park citizens who feign illness to avoid having their names entered in the annual Archon lottery (known officially as sortition) has doubled since the last tally was done in 2009.

“It’s surprising, given the precarious state of the world outside [The Park], that Park Animals would take such a casual attitude toward zoocracy,” says Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier.

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Because this was established as a self-reporting system, Animals were not, initially, required to supply medical documentation of their illness,” says DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

“But when we noticed the Form 12 totals rising, we knew we had to take action. So, for the past five years, we have been requesting verification of illness. Not surprisingly, we discovered that a large number of the Form 12s could not be verified,” she said.

Submitting a fraudulent claim of illness is a breach of Park law, says Fourmi, “not to mention the fact that it is morally repugnant to most Park citizens.”

The question now is whether or not authorities will pursue legal action against the feigners.

“That will be up to another branch of government,” says Fourmi. “We collected the data, but we have no jurisdiction over the consequences of that data.”

On This Day—December 2, 2014: Celebrity Chef arrested outside Park

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Tab Tricolore: "You have to offer an extraordinary culinary experience or else Animals will not dine at your restaurant."Celebrity Chef and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has been arrested outside The Park, according to the staff at his fine dining restaurant, Klo.

The owner of three other restaurants, Clowder, Coda, and The Tabby Club, as well as the the soon-to-be-opened PurrBoy Café at the Park Museum, was last seen at Klo this morning.

“He left at about 11:00. He went on one of his regular trips outside The Park, to source ingredients for tonight’s special,” said Klo manager Léopard Mirepoix. He declined to say what the special was.

“I saw him leave The Park and I haven’t seen him since. He was due back within the hour.”

Mirepoix said he thought nothing of Tricolore’s lateness until Footpad Heaven manager Adamma Bandicoot arrived at Klo. She told him that she’d seen the chef cross the border and believed that he’d been arrested.

“He was picked up, in any case. I’m not sure whether it was by police or another Human service. They were wearing uniforms and they were carrying a mobile prison cell,” she said.

Mirepoix confirmed that Tricolore had left his chef’s hat at the restaurant, so it is unlikely the Humans knew who he was.

Although Klo intends to remain open tonight, Tricolore’s other restaurants will be closed so that staff members can join Park Police in their search for the chef.

“We are all outraged and frightened,”  Mirepoix said. “His well-being is all we can think about.”

On This Day: December 1, 2014: Newspaper’s front page editorial sparks furor among Park residents

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Rodent CommonerAnimals have taken to the streets, the Archons and Park Police are calling for calm, and the author of a front page editorial published in The Rodent Commoner this morning has been granted security protection after receiving hundreds of threats on his life.

The piece, written by Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Espen Rotte, has ignited a firestorm of protest and, according to one observer, “opened the floodgates to a torrent of interspecial hate.”

In the editorial entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” Rotte explains his reaction to the results of various studies that confirm that striped Animals in The Park are “not getting their fair share of the economic pie.”

“So why am I not banging the ‘equality’ drum and championing their cause, as so many of my compatriots have done?” the well-respected writer, who has published articles in a number of Park newspapers, asks.

This is part of his answer, written simply and eloquently:

“I come from a species that is universally hated, not just by Humans, but by many other species, who are all too happy to stand by and watch as we are poisoned, kidnapped, incarcerated, used as laboratory subjects, and suffer other similar or worse fates.”

The rest of the editorial expands on this statement and concludes with what some have described as “a condemnation of not only the promises of zoocracy, but its policies.”

“In short,” Rotte writes, “our system has failed not only the striped and spotted, but whole species. I would argue that, as a Park, we have nothing to be proud of at this moment.”

On This Day—November 30, 2014: Mammalian Daily Radio snags first pre-tour interview with Thisbe

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microphoneMammalian Daily Radio has snagged the first pre-tour interview with Thisbe, lead singer of Thisbe and the Barkettes.

Late this afternoon, Joop Neushoorn, manager of Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio), confirmed that the singer will be in-studio at 2:00 p.m. for a half-hour live interview on Wednesday, December 3.

“We are very much looking forward to sitting down for a chat with Thisbe on Wednesday,” Neushoorn said in a written statement.

This is will be the first interview that Thisbe will give since the announcement that she and the Barkettes will embark on a reunion tour in the new year.

Neushoorn also confirmed that a full transcript of the interview will be made available later in the week, as a courtesy to those who are unable to receive the frequency.

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