The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day in 2014: Arctic temperatures may add stress to job of POPS: expert

By

The Arctic-like temperatures that have overtaken The Park over the past few weeks may end up adding stress to the job of our 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), says at least one expert in the field.

Speaking with talk show host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Park psychotherapist Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon said she believed that come Groundhog Day, 2014 POPS Solange Graciela Marmotte will be under a lot of pressure to predict an early Spring.

“She will want to be the bearer of good news but if, indeed, she does see her shadow, she must tell us so. That will be a very difficult thing for her to do and I have no doubt she will find that conflict extremely stressful,” Gibbon said.

Gibbon, who is in private practice but is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, said she believes that even though Marmotte is in hibernation, she is aware of the difficult Winter we are having.

“I think, subconsciously, she may even be struggling with a form of ‘hibernators’ guilt’ and be feeling a high degree of tension due to the sympathy she is feeling for her non-hibernating compatriots. I think our POPS is in a very difficult position this year,” Gibbon said.

OTD in 2015: Interview with Thisbe, Part One: “Life is what happens after the credits roll.”

By

ThisbeA partial transcript of the Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio) interview with Thisbe, hosted by Winsell Tamarin and broadcast live December 3, 2014, appears below. Please note, this transcript has been edited due to space limitations.

WT: Welcome, Thisbe. It’s a great privilege to talk to you today.
T: Thank you, Winsell. It’s a privilege to be here.
WT: I’d like to start off, if you don’t mind, by addressing some of your fans’ concerns about your upcoming tour and your career decisions in the last decade.
T: Yes, that’s fine. I knew you would want to talk about that.
WT: You embarked on a farewell tour some years ago—
T: Yes. 2007
WT: 2007. And—
T: And I fell ill and we cancelled the tour because we didn’t know when I would be well enough to resume work. And the Barkettes … particularly Estelle … had other commitments, so—
WT: And that brings me to my question. Not about the tour. About your relationship … with the Barkettes. There have been many rumours, as I presume you know, that you aren’t particularly close. Some even say that you aren’t on speaking terms.
T: That’s nonsense. I mean, about not being on speaking terms. Of course we’re on speaking terms. We practically grew up together. But, are we close? Who is to be the judge of that? We have all lived our own lives, even while performing together and spending almost every waking moment together for many years. We are our own Canines. But we care about each other. Deeply. And, to a great extent, we understand each other. Perhaps more than any other Canines could ever understand the five of us. And not just because we’ve been together for so long.
WT: And Noreen? What is your relationship with Noreen these days? I see that she dedicated her book to you.
T: Noreen is a very special Canine. We have a special relationship that defies definition. I was the one who rejected her as a Barkette, so I was the one who had to live with that guilt for years. I was afraid it would destroy her, but she is the most resilient Animal I’ve ever met. In the end, it was she who helped me to survive, rather than the other way around.
WT: So, would you say that you are close friends?
T: I don’t understand why you keep asking that kind of question. Noreen has her own special abilities and she has her own life. However close or not close we are, is our business.
WT: We’ll move on. What do you hope to gain through this new tour?
T: Gain? I don’t think we hope to gain anything, per se. We are continuing with our careers, after a hiatus of about 7 years. We did do a few concerts together during that time, but we didn’t tour. The Barkettes, themselves, toured and pursued other interests. Mercedes went back to school; Lorraine has a number of charities that she works with; Carmen loves to garden and Estelle has done a number of television spots. We have all been busy. We are not returning from the depths. We are all well and happy and ready to start a new phase in our lives.
WT: What did you mean when you said that Noreen helped you to survive?
T: As you know, I was very ill for a long time and part of my illness was diagnosed as melancholia. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I was frustrated and agitated a lot of the time and I took to chasing my tail. I didn’t know how to move forward. As I’ve said to others in the past few years, life is what happens after the credits roll and I found out quite quickly that I didn’t like it and that I really didn’t know how to deal with life. It was something I’d been able to avoid by working so much. My concerns weren’t of the everyday kind; they were all career-related. When I was faced with the sorts of things that most Canines … most Animals are … I didn’t know what to do. It was Noreen who steered me in the right direction.
WT: How so?
T: She visited me one day and gently suggested to me that there were certain truths about my life and my upbringing that I hadn’t faced head-on … that I had spent many years running away from who I really was and, even more than that, who I was supposed to be. She said maybe it was time for me to take a look at all that. 

END OF PART I
Stay tuned for PART II: “I was made for the shows.”

OTD in 2017: Thank you, thank you, thank you, and goodnight: Barkettes at work on memoir

By

halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes are at work on a memoir, according to the gossip web site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo writes that she spoke to a musician “very close to Thisbe” who told her the singers are collaborating on a book that takes a “three hundred and sixty degree view” of their career.

Though Guacamayo did not name her source, many in the music business believe it to be a member of the Poodle duo Belles and Whistles, whom the Barkettes mentored secretly for years.

According to Guacamayo’s source, the project has been in the works for a while, but it didn’t begin as a book.

“The original idea was a television series, but with all their projects, the singers didn’t think they could commit to a filming schedule. They decided to switch to writing a book, because it didn’t require them to be in the same place or to keep a fixed schedule,” Guacamayo writes on the site.

If headsNtales is correct, perhaps we can look forward to reliving some of those halcyon days with the Barkettes.

OTD in 2018: Mark your calendars for these important January 2018 events

By

Put this on your calendarJanuary is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic
Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the first time since its opening in August 2012, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome Park residents from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, including the newest treatment options. Refreshments will be served.

January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his nineteenth. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

Until February 14: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

On This Day—December 31, 2012: Archons declare calendar harmonization “complete”

By

The harmonization of The Park’s calendar with that of the wider world has been fully realized.

Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt made that announcement at a press conference this morning.

“That which the 2010 Archons began,” he said,  “the 2012 Archons hereby declare complete.”

Flanked by fifteen of his thirty-four compatriots, Newt spoke briefly, giving the 2010 Archons credit for their foresight and for aiding in the modernization of The Park.

“In their wisdom, they [the 2010 Archons] refused to back down on an issue that had scared off many before them. But they knew that modernization could no longer wait. They risked their reputations and, in some cases, their own safety, for the sake of The Park. We will be, forever, in their debt,” he said.

The legislation enacted by the 2010 Archons, whose formal name is “The Calendar Harmonization Act” (“An Act to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of the calendar or calendars used outside The Park and to amend certain Acts in consequence thereof”), came into effect in March of 2010. Its full impact was not felt until more than two years later. While it still receives mixed reviews from Park residents, a recent survey indicated that most Animals are “resigned to it” and only a small percentage would make the choice to return to the old calendar.

On This Day—December 30, 2014: Park Museum bows to pressure, delays official opening until after hibernation

By

Park MuseumThe Park Museum will celebrate its official opening in March rather than as previously stated in January, it was announced on Sunday.

In a short communiqué posted on its web site, the museum’s Board of Governors confirmed the official opening date of 1 March 2015.

No mention was made of any previous opening day announcements, nor was any reason given for the change. There is, however,  a record of a series of meetings that were held in late October between the museum’s Board of Governors and a number of organizations representing The Park’s hibernating communities. Many believe those meetings resulted in the later opening date.

“Yes, we did meet with them and they were very sympathetic to our situation, though they weren’t able to give us an answer immediately,” says Tarquinius P. Shrew, president of the Small Animal Scientific Community (SASC), many of whose members are hibernators.

“Our members have contributed greatly to scientific knowledge in The Park and they [the board of Governors] did seem to understand that opening the museum without our representation seemed unfair.”

Shrew says the meetings were also attended by representatives of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS).

In an interview this morning, Eduarda Teresinha Coelho, 2015 Keeper of the Nut, said she is “so pleased” that the museum re-thought its opening date.

“I think they were so focussed on not having another delay that they didn’t realize what they’d done initially,” she said.

“But they’ve demonstrated their commitment to inclusiveness and that will be much appreciated by the hibernators. It will make the museum truly ‘Our Museum,’ as the slogan says.”

Read the Park Museum’s announcement.

On This Day—December 29, 2016: Chief Archon Raymond Mink: “We leave office with so much left to do.”

By

r-minkEXCERPT
In his only exit interview, The Park’s Chief Archon, Raymond Mink, whose term ends on January 16, 2017, tells The Mammalian Daily he believes that longer terms for Archons might serve us better. 

We sat down with Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink in early December to discuss his views on zoocracy, the direction The Park is going, and other important aspects of governing this vast space and its diverse population. This is an excerpt from that interview.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon, for sitting down with us today.

RM: Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be talking to you today.

TMD: Let’s get this out of the way first: how would you evaluate your term as Chief Archon?

RM: I knew you would ask me that, and it’s a very difficult question to answer, even though, of course, I’ve thought about it. The reason it’s difficult is not just because, as the the cliché goes, history will make the final judgment. The truth is, it won’t. No matter what we [the Archons] did, whether we were effective or not, whether we believed we were effective or not, our policies will be viewed differently by different citizens at different times over the course of history. So, our decision to, for example, offer more support to immigrant Animals, may be regarded as a good decision, as a prescient decision, or as bad decision or a destructive one. I would posit that it will be regarded, as time marches forward, as all of the above, depending on the circumstances. I hope that answers at least part of your question.

TMD: It does. Thank you. Next question: if you could enact one thing that would make governing The Park better, what would it be?

RM: Enact, as in unilaterally?

TMD: Yes.

RM: I think I would make the Archons’ terms longer. One year is not nearly enough time to settle into the job, to understand what is required at that particular time and then to act on it. I would say we need at least three years. Two would be better, but if it were a unilateral decision, I think I might agree with that new group, Park Citizens for Long Haul Government. They want five years. Four might be better. But, one year isn’t enough. The frustration we feel—and I’ve talked about this to former Archons and Chief Archons—the frustration is enormous. The push to get things accomplished within a one-year period…before you know it, your time is up. It’s very stressful for us. We leave office with so much left to do.

The full interview will be published in early January, 2017.

On This Day—December 28, 2013: Hieronymous Hedgehog: TMD’s Animal of the Year

By

Hieronymous Hedgehog


 

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen veteran Park citizen Hieronymous Hedgehog as its 2013 Animal of the Year.

In a press announcement this morning, managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff was impressed by “the demeanour he displayed in the face of what seemed like never-ending controversy.”

“Hieronymous Hedgehog became the model of a calm, loyal Park citizen. When faced with a barrage of criticism, he refused to strike back, waiting for the dust to settle. Then, he decided to meet his most fervent critic on his own turf, secure in his view of himself and in his loyalty to The Park,” she said.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who is currently in hibernation, is expected to acknowledge the honour when he appears at the 2014 Groundhog Day celebrations.

On This Day—December 27, 2016: Bedfellows’ backing singer on bed rest after near-fatal attack outside Park

By

Hugo PercevejoHugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, is on bed rest today after he suffered a near-fatal attack yesterday outside The Park.

According to Kalervo Lude, the group’s manager, Percevejo left The Park yesterday afternoon to visit friends in their new home. Their visit was interrupted by a gang of Humans who threw them out of the home after spraying them with some kind of toxic substance.

Lude said Percevejo told him he was “left to die” on the sidewalk but he managed to crawl back to The Park, where he was taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Unfortunately, Percevejo’s friends were not as lucky.

After spending the night in the hospital, the singer was sent home and told to remain on bed rest for a week.

The group’s members issued a statement early this afternoon, confirming that Percevejo will not be performing with them at Wednesday’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

“We are devastated by this event and its consequences to our beloved colleague and his friends. We are heartened that Hugo will recover, but our hearts are heavy with sorrow for those who will not,” the statement said in part.

According to Lude, the group will not be replacing Percevejo at Wednesday’s performance

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

January 2026
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031