The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2015—Gossip site: Thisbe had relationship with Mammalian Daily Balls columnist

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The Park’s “most-watched”  gossip web site headsNtales is reporting that, some years ago, Thisbe had a relationship with Bailey, The Mammalian Daily’s longtime Balls columnist.

According to the report, the founder and lead singer of The Park’s most successful and beloved musical group had a “short but productive relationship with Bailey, who was the Mammalian Daily Balls Columnist for over a decade. Sources say they remained friends long after.”

Although the site does not define the word, “productive,” and does not elaborate on “long after,” many are speculating that Thisbe might have raised a family secretly with Bailey.

headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says she contacted the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, for confirmation, but has not heard back. Despite that, Guacamayo says she feels confident in going to press because the site has more than one “reliable source” for the information.

OTD in 2015—”It’s about the message,” say protesters as standoff continues at TMD offices

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Park Police Riot Squad

The standoff between protesters and The Mammalian Daily has entered its third day

As the standoff between protesters and Mammalian Daily editors enters its third day, the reasons for this historic protest are becoming clear.

“Primarily, it’s about the message you’re sending, particularly with that photograph of Gunnar]Rotte],” says Dedrick Knaagdier, Media Relations Representative for The Park’s aid group, Rodents at Risk.

Knaagdier has been in attendance at the protest since the beginning, though he wasn’t among those who started it.

“They weren’t even Gunnar’s friends, but they saw the injustice and the way the paper was manipulating the message and they couldn’t take it anymore,” he says.

“Gunnar made a legitimate complaint but it was overshadowed by that photograph.”

The photograph in question shows Rotte holding two pies that he says he purchased at a bakery outside The Park. His complaint was that he had been assaulted at the bakery while trying to buy the pies.

“The way the photograph was taken, it makes it look as if he’s a thief,” says Knaagdier.

“He looks as if he’s smiling … as if he got away with something, rather than he did his duty [by paying] but was treated terribly. The photograph just plays into the stereotyping of Rodents … something they experience on a daily basis.”

Despite attempts by all major Park media to contact Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas, no official statement has been made, nor has the name of the photographer been revealed.

“They’ve said nothing, not even ‘We stand by our story,'” says Knaagdier.

OTD in 2015—Breaking: Police called to growing protest outside Mammalian Daily offices

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Park Police Riot SquadBREAKING NEWS
Just hours after the swearing-in ceremonies of the 2015 Archons, Park Police have been called to the offices of The Mammalian Daily as a large protest against the newspaper grows outside the main door.

“We don’t know what it’s all about yet, but the protesters all appear to be holding the same photograph of [Rodent Commoner reporter] Gunnar Rotte,” said Officer Gareth Shepherd, minutes after arriving at the scene.

Witnesses who had been there earlier said the protest began with two Rats who were holding signs and shouting profanities, calling the newspaper “specist and petty” and threatening to destroy it.

“I thought they were friends of Gunnar [Rotte], but they said they didn’t even know him. It was the principle that mattered … and the paper had broken faith with its readers,” said Marcellus Wolverine.

Log onto mammaliandaily.com for new details as this story unfolds.

OTD in 2016—Blandine Okapi: “Sortition gives us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

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Blandine OkapiFormer Archon Transition Team (ATT) member Blandine Okapi is taking some heat for her most recent remarks about sortition and the annual selection of government in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published in The Ruminant Free Press yesterday, Okapi calls the process of sortition, which has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons, “a ridiculous idea” and says bluntly, “All it does is give us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

Okapi, who quit the ATT two years ago in order to work with the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), claims she is drawing from her experience in politics and government when she says that sortition is “keeping The Park in a state of inertia.”

“As we look forward this year to celebrating the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy, we have to ask ourselves what we’ve accomplished here,” she writes. “If our goal was to mature as a Park and to be the model for Animal self-government everywhere, I would say we have failed miserably.”

Reaction to Okapi’s scathing criticism has been swift. At a joint press conference this morning, 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose and Sylvana Rana, president of  Save Our Political System (SOPS), countered her arguments, saying that sortition is the best method available to ensure fair and equitable representation in government.

Former Chief Archon Moose went on to speak of his experience in governing The Park:

“I unequivocally dispute Okapi’s portrait of the members of our governments as being either unable or unwilling or both. During my term as Chief Archon, I worked with some of the most able Animals I have ever met and every one of them was one hundred percent committed to zoocracy and to the values that Jor stood for,” he said.

OTD in 2018—The year of not writing well: Month Without Metaphor presents the words journalists across The Park would like to ban from media in 2019

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The staff at The Park’s Month Without Metaphor initiative (MonthWithoutMetaphor) has been working hard all month to gather the words and phrases that journalists and readers across The Park have submitted as items they’d like to ban from media in 2019. Director Priscilla Weevil says she was “gobsmacked” by the sheer number of submissions and the “intensity of emotion” that accompanied those submissions.

“There is clearly, across all media, the feeling that we are not serving our audience well,” she said.

Below are the most frequently-submitted words and phrases that Month Without Metaphor received:

OTD in 2016—2017 will be the year of the political book, say Park publishers

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Pile of booksA slew of books dealing with politics and zoocracy is set to be released in 2017, according to the Association of Park Publishers (APP).

Inspired by the upcoming celebration of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary, some of The Park’s most esteemed thinkers began toiling in secret a few years ago, setting down their analyses and ideas about Animal self-rule. Their work will be released in published form beginning in January.

“This is definitely the year of the political book,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

“We realized that back in 2014, when we started getting manuscripts dealing with zoocracy and Park history. Some of them could have been published earlier, but we decided to wait and make it a literary celebration of this political phenomenon. We feel very privileged to have the opportunity to release twenty-five books this year on the subject.”

Other Park publishers agree. Marcellin de la Griffe, who owns and manages Marcellin de la Griffe Publishers, says his company has been working on the same theme for a couple of years. The publisher says that after wooing historian and University of West Terrier professor Pieter Paard away from Birch Bark Books, he managed to convince other prominent writers to publish their books with his company.

“Our authors— who are historians, political philosophers, scientists, psychologists, and artists—represent some of The Park’s greatest thinkers. We’re going to have an incredible year-long launch party,” he says.

OTD in 2016—Celebrity chef to feature food of the feral world in new TV series

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Tab TricoloreCelebrity chef Tab Tricolore will try his hand at television again in the new year.

In a run-up to his first Feral Roots Festival in July, the chef and restaurateur will host a television series on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV) featuring the “foods of the feral world.”

In a joint announcement across all media, VVTV and Tricolore shared their excitement about the show and emphasized their commitment to each other, despite their troubles last year.

In a separate post on his GooseBook page, Tricolore talked about his own feral roots and his relationship with the feral community outside The Park, where he was born.

“On food gathering missions for my many restaurants, I’ve had the privilege of reconnecting with the feral communities outside The Park. They have been enormously generous to me, sharing their crops and their recipes and I look forward to doing the same with my audience. Thank you again, Vertebrate Vision, for this great opportunity,” the post said, in part.

The television series will be broadcast on Tuesday nights, beginning in February 2018, a spokesAnimal for VVTV told The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2016—Yannis Tavros grabs the spotlight by announcing his candidacy for POPS

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tavros-poster-sans-wallOn a day when many thought it would be Millicent Hayberry who would be announcing her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), it was, instead, radio talk show host Yannis Tavros who bulldozed his way into the headlines by announcing that he will stand for the position in November.

At what he called a “press rally” outside the law courts this morning, Tavros handed out postcards, flyers, and brochures before making his official announcement.

“As many of you know, I have taken a leave of absence from my job as talk show host at Toro Talk Radio. The reason for that is simple: I have just added my name to the list of contenders for the position of 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring,” he said.

The crowd that had gathered behind members of the press cheered him on, as he promised to make “the most accurate and the best prediction ever” come Groundhog Day.

“I am the most qualified, most astute Animal of all those who are running for this position. And I’m also the most sensitive to the weather, so there is no doubt in my mind that my prediction will not only be accurate, but it will be the best prediction ever made in the history of Groundhog Day predictions,” he said.

OTD in 2011—Park’s media organizations plan protest against newcomer

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The Park’s governing Archons, in association with the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) have issued a statement urging calm this morning, as media organizations across The Park prepare for a mass demonstration against a Vegetable newspaper that has signalled its intent to set up shop here later this month.

According to Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, the action was prompted by yesterday’s attack on the new publication by the editor of The Equine Echo.  In a radio interview, Keating Capall declared that the new publication “comes from the dirt and does nothing but dig in the dirt and shake it all over our pristine media landscape.”

The Archons’ statement, which was published in all Park newspapers and read on radio and television stations, called for “calm and reasonableness” in the face of what the media organizations perceive as a threat.

“It is our intent to support the ethos of diversity in our Park and, to that end, we urge calm and reasonableness on the part of our media,” the statement read, in part.

OTD in 2015—Zebra activists to appear on Yannis Tavros call-in show Wednesday

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YannisTavros Callers, the lines are open.

Or, at least they will be on Wednesday afternoon, when Yannis Tavros’s guests will be Zebra activists Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra.

The pair, whose latest caper involved disrupting the Beats of Burden music festival by blocking the stage to the SCENTient Beings on Friday night, will be answering questions from callers for a full three hours.

“We’re looking forward to a lively discussion,” Toro Talk Radio said in its announcement this morning, after inviting  “all Animals who want to understand more about the Zebra community” to formulate their questions and head to the phones on Wednesday.

For his part, Tavros, who enjoys a reputation for outrageous behaviour himself, said he thought it was only fair to hear the activists’ side of the story.

“They have a problem with what Faramund Stinktier said [about believing that he was meant to be a Zebra] on this show two weeks ago and I think we should hear them out. Since nobody else stepped up, I thought it was only right for me to do so,” Tavros said at the end of his show today.

The program, which will be sponsored by hibernation outfitters GoUnderground, has been extended by an hour and will be re-run at midnight and offered as a podcast later in the month.

Faramund Stinktier has not commented on the Toro Talk Radio announcement.

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