The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2015—The lives we lost in 2015

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Here are some of the friends and family we lost in 2015:

RIPAnselm Alpaca
Former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist

RIPXanthippe Porcupine
Theatre lover and self-described “greatest fan” of Millicent Hayberry

RIPPercy Manatee

RIPReginald David Hawk
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009

RIPWilbur H. Milkfish

RIPOrville Gibbon

RIPSophia Theresa Squid
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009

RIPPriscilla Goose

RIPPyramus Sloth

RIPDalton Aardvark 

RIPAlthea Firefly

RIPAbigail Stickleback
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008

RIPEnglebert Leopard
Served as a volunteer at CatsCare for ten years

RIPPetronila Hummingbird

RIPLiliana Lemur

RIPNelson Mosquitofish

RIPEleni Cheetah
Avid supporter of ZooLit

RIPAlbertine Gastrotrich

RIPNausikaa Tortoise

RIPBeatrice Mayfly

RIPNicola Anastasia Platypus
Faithfully served as Archon in 2012

RIPOberon Pelican

RIPÉmile Homard

RIPMicaela Rhinoceros

RIPZulema Salamander

RIP

Abraham Whistlepig
Research Assistant, Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening

 

RIPHenrietta Gerta Beaver; Gregory Wapiti; Norman D.R. Moose; Humphrey Possum; Farrah Gastrotrich; Dustin Gastrotrich; Ingeborg Gastrotrich; Kaillie Gastrotrich; Berta Gastrotrich; Rowena Cougar; Iraida Whistlepig; Elvin Baboon; Karl Kodkod, Zachary Lézard,  Zaida Raposa; Hester Hawk; Rosa Elefante; Ian Douglas Shepherd; Calista Cormorant; Miriam Mayfly; Hendrix Albatross; Beatrix Toad; Erwin Toad; Garman Toad; Ivana Bluebird; Tillie Tarsier; Benedict Okapi; Lilita Shrew; Lucas Shrew; Benito Lobo.

OTD in 2014—Park remembers Imogen Aardeekhoorn

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Basket of apricotsBaskets of fruit and nuts began to appear in front of the Park Repertory Theatre yesterday afternoon, as news broke of the death of beloved playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn.

By evening, the door to the theatre was blocked by the hundreds of offerings and notes of condolence, thanks, and appreciation left by the playwright’s fans.

“You were and always will be a role model for small Animals,” one note read. “Your honesty will serve for generations,” read another.

“We started getting orders, I would say, right away,” says Beatrice T. Orang of Provisions by Petrounel.

“Imogen was one of our best customers and Animals wanted to know what her favourite fruits and vegetables and nuts were. They wanted to leave them for her in remembrance.”

In a statement issued this morning, The Nut Bar advised customers, “We are now running low on supplies due to the outpouring of grief at the death of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn. Please be patient with us. We will make every attempt to fill your orders as supplies come in.”

Meanwhile, the theatre itself is trying to cope with the outpouring of grief. An announcement issued this morning said that it will remain dark for the rest of the week. Instead of going about their usual business, actors, stage managers, ticket sellers and the like are comforting visitors and tending to the offerings. A spokesAnimal for the theatre confirmed that a memorial service for Aardeekhoorn that was originally scheduled to take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre will be held here, instead.

“This was Imogen’s home and we welcome the opportunity to embrace her family, friends, and fans,” the spokesAnimal said.

Details of the memorial service will be posted at the theatre shortly.

On This Day—July 26, 2014: Millicent Hayberry releases statement on death of Imogen Aardeekhoorn

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Actress Millicent Hayberry has released the following statement on the death of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn:

IT was my honour and privilege to portray Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of “Mixed Nuts,” the adaptation of her brilliant memoir.

An actress could not have asked for more. Imogen’s brilliant lines, deep insights, and both her sense of humour and her sense of tristesse made my job an absolute delight every afternoon and evening.

Imogen and I first became friends in 2007, on the set of “Mixed Nuts” at the Park Repertory Theatre. As members of one of The Park’s founding families, we found we had much in common and we remained friends throughout the years. She visited me on the set of the film adaptation of her work and she later visited me in hospital when I fell ill during the shooting. It is my deepest regret that I was not at her side when she died. 

As all of us in The Park were, I was shocked and saddened when I heard the news of her death. The Park has lost a great figure, wrapped in a tiny package. Her voice was strong, but her will and her spirit were even stronger. The truths she told in her work will live on and provide solace for many generations, but she will be missed most by those who knew her personally. Au revoir, Imogen. Until we meet again.

Millicent

On This Day in 2014: Playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn dead

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Veteran playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn has died, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

In a communication sent to managing editor Orphea Haas, Aardeekhoorn’s publicist confirmed that the author of “Mixed Nuts” died at her burrow sometime between Saturday evening and last night. Her body was discovered this morning by a friend, the publicist said.

Aardeekhoorn was born in The Park to an immigrant Chipmunk family. A prolific writer, she was the author of two novels, a book of poems, and three plays, as well as her “Chronicles,” upon which the one-Chipmunk show, “Mixed Nuts,” was based. Last year, Aardeekhoorn received the Chitter Radio Literary Award for her last work, ”Truffles.” She was also honoured at that event for her efforts on behalf of the Park Repertory Theatre.

Aardeekhoorn was nine years old.

Read also: Theatre Review: The Sound of One Nut Cracking

Body of Zuberi Tembo interred in Africa; memorial service to be held in Park

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Zuberi Tembo

The late Zuberi Tembo (Photo taken last year)

The body of bassist Zuberi Tembo was interred in his native Africa yesterday, his cousin Thwayya Tembo told The Mammalian Daily.[pullquote]We want to express our appreciation to the Archons and to all Park citizens for the outpouring of support for his family and friends. It is gratifying to know that there are so many who were touched by Zuberi during his lifetime.”—Thwayya Tembo, cousin to Zuberi Tembo[/pullquote]

The Endeka Elephant Band member was killed ten days ago on a trip home to visit his family. His cousin, who is acting as the family’s spokesAnimal, said they continue to mourn the loss of their loved one but are grateful for the outpouring of support from The Park.

“We are all devastated by the loss of Zuberi. His murder was made all the more painful by the irony that he had escaped the danger of Humans by defecting from the circus so many years ago and had lived peacefully in The Park. But we want to express our appreciation to the Archons and to all Park citizens for the outpouring of support for his family and friends. It is gratifying to know that there are so many who were touched by Zuberi during his lifetime.”

In a related statement released this morning, The Archons confirmed that a memorial service for the fallen musician will take place on July 26 at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Details will be available shortly.

The lives we lost in 2015

By

Here are some of the friends and family we lost in 2015:

RIPAnselm Alpaca
Former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist

RIPXanthippe Porcupine
Theatre lover and self-described “greatest fan” of Millicent Hayberry

RIPPercy Manatee

RIPReginald David Hawk
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009

RIPWilbur H. Milkfish

RIPOrville Gibbon

RIPSophia Theresa Squid
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009

RIPPriscilla Goose

RIPPyramus Sloth

RIPDalton Aardvark 

RIPAlthea Firefly

RIPAbigail Stickleback
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008

RIPEnglebert Leopard
Served as a volunteer at CatsCare for ten years

RIPPetronila Hummingbird

RIPLiliana Lemur

RIPNelson Mosquitofish

RIPEleni Cheetah
Avid supporter of ZooLit

RIPAlbertine Gastrotrich

RIPNausikaa Tortoise

RIPBeatrice Mayfly

RIPNicola Anastasia Platypus
Faithfully served as Archon in 2012

RIPOberon Pelican

RIPÉmile Homard

RIPMicaela Rhinoceros

RIPZulema Salamander

RIP

Abraham Whistlepig
Research Assistant, Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening

 

RIPHenrietta Gerta Beaver; Gregory Wapiti; Norman D.R. Moose; Humphrey Possum; Farrah Gastrotrich; Dustin Gastrotrich; Ingeborg Gastrotrich; Kaillie Gastrotrich; Berta Gastrotrich; Rowena Cougar; Iraida Whistlepig; Elvin Baboon; Karl Kodkod, Zachary Lézard,  Zaida Raposa; Hester Hawk; Rosa Elefante; Ian Douglas Shepherd; Calista Cormorant; Miriam Mayfly; Hendrix Albatross; Beatrix Toad; Erwin Toad; Garman Toad; Ivana Bluebird; Tillie Tarsier; Benedict Okapi; Lilita Shrew; Lucas Shrew; Benito Lobo.

Anselm Alpaca, former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist, dies at 19

By

Anselm Alpaca

Anselm Alpaca: 1996-2015

BREAKING NEWS

Former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist Anselm Alpaca has died.

In a statement released this morning, Alpaca’s family confirmed that he died “of natural causes” last night at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Alpaca was nineteen years old.

At the time of his death, Alpaca was working for The Equine Echo, but he spent the better part of his career as a reporter and columnist for The Mammalian Daily, where he was known as a “star.”

“He was the gold standard,” said Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas in a statement this afternoon.

“He was extremely thorough, he refused to print anything for which he had fewer than four sources, and he gave everyone a fair hearing. There was no journalist like him at any paper in The Park. We were lucky to have him for so long.”

Even after his departure, Alpaca retained his friendships with journalists and support staff at The Mammalian Daily, many of whom describe him as “a great champion of Animals.”

Hamilton Snowcock of The Canary Courier agrees.

“He was on our side, no matter what species you were from,” he said. “He was just a great Animal who believed, above all, in fairness.”

Alpaca also taught part-time at the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, where his students say he was always available for them and happy to give students as much time as they needed.

Alpaca leaves his mate Gillian and two sons, Ronald and Stanley.

Funeral arrangements are pending.

Millicent Hayberry releases statement on death of Imogen Aardeekhoorn

By

BREAKING NEWS

Actress Millicent Hayberry has released the following statement on the death of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn:

IT was my honour and privilege to portray Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of “Mixed Nuts,” the adaptation of her brilliant memoir.

An actress could not have asked for more. Imogen’s brilliant lines, deep insights, and both her sense of humour and her sense of tristesse made my job an absolute delight every afternoon and evening.

Imogen and I first became friends in 2007, on the set of “Mixed Nuts” at the Park Repertory Theatre. As members of one of The Park’s founding families, we found we had much in common and we remained friends throughout the years. She visited me on the set of the film adaptation of her work and she later visited me in hospital when I fell ill during the shooting. It is my deepest regret that I was not at her side when she died. 

As all of us in The Park were, I was shocked and saddened when I heard the news of her death. The Park has lost a great figure, wrapped in a tiny package. Her voice was strong, but her will and her spirit were even stronger. The truths she told in her work will live on and provide solace for many generations, but she will be missed most by those who knew her personally. Au revoir, Imogen. Until we meet again.

Millicent

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