The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2014—Tavros calls Kanariar “foolish, traitor”

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YannisTavros

Yannis Tavros: in trouble again over remarks made after interview with Aintza Kanariar

Toro Talk Radio talk show host Yannis Tavros has found himself in hot water once again over remarks he made about Aintza Kanariar of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Following an interview that he conducted last week with the Public Relations Director, Tavros called her “foolish,” “a traitor,” and “lacking in insight.”

The radio talk show host, who is known for his candid talk and less than flattering view of Park officials and celebrities, has refused to respond to queries regarding the remarks.

A spokesAnimal for the radio station says they are “investigating the matter.”

“Naturally, we take its seriously, but I want to stress that whether or not he made the remarks, he was not at any time speaking on behalf of Toro Talk Radio,” the spokesAnimal said.

While even some of Tavros’s staunchest supporters have called it “tactless” and “counterproductive,” others say that it’s high time Animals stopped acting as if Park employees were beyond criticism.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who was himself criticized quite harshly by Tavros almost two years ago, came to Tavros’s defence earlier this afternoon.

“I say, I think he has a point. Is she acting in our best interest or her own?” he asked.

Kanariar has not responded to the alleged remarks, nor has the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

OTD in 2016—Officer charged with injuring Doe of Peace at PIFF after-after party

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Police Officer charged

FCSW officer Paulus Koer

A Park Police officer has been charged with two counts of biting after a member of The Park’s peacekeeping force was injured during an outbreak of violence at last night’s PIFF after-after party.

Witnesses say that Doe of Peace Rozmonda Ricke, was “just doing her job,” separating the crowd at The PurrBoy Café, when a member of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) approached her from behind and pulled her tail.

According to Ricke, who has been a member of the Does since the group was founded in 2014, there was “no time” to look around to see what was happening.

“I was focused on my job, which was to de-escalate the violence that suddenly had erupted at the café,” she said in a sworn statement early this morning.

When she did not respond to the tail-pulling, Paulus Koer, the FCSW officer, allegedly bit her on the back in an attempt to stop her from walking through the crowd. According to his statement, the second bite was necessary because the alleged victim “paid no attention to my first warning.”

The FCSW officer will appear in court today, where a date for trial will be set.

FCSW president Gareth Shepherd is expected to hold a press conference later this afternoon.

OTD in 2013—Rapper Will.o.be. to stand trial for defacing Tree at music fest

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Rapper Will.o.be.Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial in December on one charge of mischief and two charges of assault on a living being, it was announced today. The charges relate to the singer’s alleged defacing of an Oak Tree during the last evening of the Beats of Burden music festival in September.

With his legal representative by his side, the rapper appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon yesterday afternoon. The Justice formally laid the charges, set the date for trial, and placed restrictions on the rapper’s pre-trial travel. The Justice also advised the accused not to spend any long period of time close to Park Trees.

In a short statement that appeared on his web site, the beloved Park musician expressed his disappointment that the matter had to be resolved in court.

“I had hoped to avoid a court trial, but this was deemed impossible unless I confessed to the crimes with which I have been charged and of which I am not guilty,” he wrote. He also thanked his fans and supporters, saying that he hoped he hadn’t let anyone down.

“I believe that my actions on September 16 were misinterpreted and misunderstood and I welcome the opportunity to explain myself to the court and to Park citizens,” he wrote.

On the evening of September 16, the last night of the Beats of Burden music festival, Will. o.be. was arrested after several event attendees said they saw him sharpening his claws on the trunk of an Oak tree behind the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. The Tree, which is a cousin to The Park’s Ancient Oak Tree, was found to be missing a significant amount of bark. Park Police immediately restricted access to the tree and the trunk was subsequently treated by a specialist in the field. The Tree is expected to make a full recovery.

OTD in 2017—What’s up in October

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The Park really heats up in the Autumn, with celebrations, migrations, and hibernation preparation. Here’s a taste of what’s in store for October 17. Mark your calendars!

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again! Time to screen some great films by Park Animals. PIFFPockets and Noon Nuttiness films are back, as are the parties, the after-parties, and the after-after parties! And the inevitable nail-biting before the awarding of the Golden Claw.
October 1-5

Park Harvest Festival
Let’s celebrate! Our cultivators and growers have been working hard since the Spring, and now they share their bounty with us! With loads of great food to eat and lots of music and entertainment for all ages, it’s bound to be a memorable celebration.
October 11

 
Annual Snowbird Farewell
It’s always bittersweet to say goodbye to our migrating friends and wish them well on their journey. But let’s enjoy this one last party before takeoff! See you in the Spring, migrators!
October 19

 

Annual Account of the State of The Park
It all comes down to this: how are we getting along? Economically? Socially? What is the state of interspecial harmony? Are we there yet? We’ll know for sure on October 27

OTD in 2012—Hundreds jailed after Noon Nuttiness protest turns violent

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Hundreds of Animals were jailed this afternoon, after a group of angry protesters interrupted the Noon Nuttiness screening at the Park Cinema and demanded that audience members hand over their cackle™–enabled devices.

The protesters, who belong to a group that calls itself Realidad Incorporated, stormed the Cinema during the opening credits of the comedy Kribbles. In between making cackling sounds and insulting the cinema’s patrons, they grabbed the cackle™–enabled devices within their reach and threw them to the ground. They then demanded that all patrons relinquish their devices.

“At first I thought it was a stunt…part of the comedy experience,” said one witness, who appeared to be in shock. “Even when they were breaking them [the devices]…I thought it was [representatives of] GooseBook. Until they started fighting and I saw Animals down on the ground. That’s when I knew it wasn’t planned and I started to get scared.”

Many patrons, who had been lent the devices by GooseBook to use during the film, refused to surrender them. It was at this point, Park Police say, that the scuffle turned violent.

“The RI members were yelling at the audience, but the audience wouldn’t give up their devices,” said a Park Police Officer called to the scene. “They didn’t even belong to them. It was kind of strange. It was like they were willing to die for them,” he said.

The RI members then became aggressive and began to physically attack the patrons in an effort to force them to release their devices. This resulted in a counterattack by the patrons, according to a police report filed this afternoon. In all, almost three hundred Animals were hauled off to The Park jail. Eleven others, who were sent to The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, will face charges as soon as they are discharged, Police said.

According to a statement released by Realidad Incorporated (also known as Reality Incorporated), the members of their group were acting in protest against cackle, the new “happy only” social networking site rolled out in August by GooseBook.

“At such a difficult time in the life of The Park, we find it unbelievably offensive that a company would invent a site that, in effect, denied the reality of Park Animals in favor of a sugar-coated view,” the statement read in part.

OTD in 2015—Searching for the Spitman: Noon Nuttiness Review

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Park Interspecial Film Festival
Searching for the Spitman: A Journey Through Foam, Froth, and Fun
♥♥♥♥♥♥

Directed by Ernesto Santiago Camello | 23 minutes | Final screening October 5 at the Park Cinema

We’re all familiar with our friend Stan the Spitman’s signature phrase, “Spitballs from Heaven!” Yet how much do we know about the Spitman, himself?

Not a lot, as it turns out. But writer and director Ernesto Santiago Camello has set out to change all that in this alarmingly candid short film about one of The Park’s funniest citizens engaged in one of the world’s oldest professions: spitmaking.

Estanislao “Stan” Gonzalo de Llama is a second generation SpitMeister, a master of the art of spitmaking.

“It’s an honourable profession,” he says with a wry smile, “that makes products used for dishonourable purposes.”

That wasn’t always so, as Camello demonstrates in his short look back at the history of spitmaking. But, these days, Stan estimates that about ninety per cent of his products go toward humiliating other Animals.

“It’s a fact of life in the profession,” he says. “But it doesn’t keep me up at night.”

Camello follows Stan through his day, from rising long before dawn to set a pot on the fire, to the arduous task of mixing, boiling, and stirring the ingredients.

“I tell my clients it’s an old family recipe, but it’s not. I made it up on the fly and it worked…because the fly stuck to the wall,” he jokes.

The film is full of lines like that—jokes that wouldn’t even be funny if they came out of another Animal’s mouth. But Stan gets away with it, largely because he is an honourable Animal. Last year, for instance, when Milton Struts, then head of the Park Finance Office, found himself covered in spitballs at the PIFF Awards ceremony, Stan secretly sent him a gift certificate for a full “do” at The Pluming Room.

“I don’t even know for sure that it was my spit they were using, but I know how it would feel and I didn’t think he deserved that. I’m not sure any Animal does,” he says in one of his more thoughtful moments in the film.

In another of those moments, Stan lets slip that if he hadn’t been pressured into joining the family business, he probably would have become a comedian or even a musician. And just so you don’t dwell on the poignancy of that admission, he quickly offers up another:

“No matter what, I’d have made my way back to spit[making]. It’s in my DNA,” he laughs.

OTD in 2016—Stripes two ways: groomer offers “WINK coiffure” in honour of PIFF premiere

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Zebra two wayIf you blink, you could miss it.

But if you wink, you could be rewarded with a new coiffure, which emphasizes the two directions of Animals’ stripes.

In a video advertisement that will run every day of October, the proprietor of one of The Park’s most popular grooming houses says that, in honour of The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)—and, in particular, in honour of its opening film, WINK—she has created a new “do,” which she’s dubbed the “WINK coiffure.”

That proprietor, known as Amoltrud, made headlines earlier this year when she announced that her shop would no longer be offering stripe and spot removal services. The year before, she’d been quoted as saying that although she advised her clients against the procedures, she’d been forced to offer the services “in order to keep up with the competition.”

But Amoltrud changed her mind and, breaking with traditional retail behaviour, decided to challenge the competition by doing exactly the opposite of what it was doing.

“I led with my mind—and my heart,” she said in an interview with The Mammalian Daily last night at the gala opening of G.D. Zebra’s WINK. “At some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing what I believe in or am I just doing what everybody else is doing?”

Amoltrud says she’s steadfastly against stripe and spot removal and vows never to offer the service again at her shop, even though some of her competition has called the procedures “a growth industry.”

“You have to decide what you stand for and then stand for it,” Amoltrud said last night. “And I stand for equality among the species, no matter what their coats look like.”

OTD in 2016—We’ve closed the book on September. Did you miss a chapter?

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Sheep reading newspaperIntroducing PIFF Piffle: relevant irrelevancies about our annual film fest

Third time’s a charm as Open Mic at The Draft becomes “Beats in the Bar”

Avian Messenger’s Alvin Tinamou takes leave of absence for “personal reasons”

WINK: Most controversial opening film ever for PIFF 2016

The Beats get bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today

PMoCA unveils Slow Art Movement painting in honour of Park’s estivators

#PIFFPiffle: Rumour says Tab Tricolore to open Tabby Club to all for PIFF 2016

Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

Justice orders Rotte, Stinktier to meet after Sunday’s Spoken Word incident

Noreen to chair UWT forum on effects of Human architecture on other Animals

Heads up! Something’s Fishy at Park’s upcoming Stereotype Sunday

Would Millicent Hayberry’s acting career give her an edge in POPS debate?

Last Shakeoff of 2016 is on today

#PIFFPiffle: What we know for sure

#PIFFPiffle: Mary Margay and the truth about her PIFF tiff with Douglas Cheetah

Police trainees find more lucrative positions outside Park: report

WINK director to host pre-premiere party at The Feeding Station

OTD in 2019—Look what’s coming up in October!

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The Park really heats up in the Autumn, with celebrations, migrations, and hibernation preparation. Mark your calendars so you don’t miss a thing! Here’s just a taste of what’s in store for October 2019.

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again! Time to screen some great films by Park Animals. PIFFPockets and Noon Nuttiness films are back, as are the parties, the after-parties, and the after-after parties! Not to mention the inevitable claw-biting before the awarding of the Golden Cougar. Again this year, the festival has paired with celebrity chef Tab Tricolore to bring you “PIFF Experience Packages,”, so you can pair the great food at his restaurants with the PIFF 2019 films!
October 1-5

Park Harvest Festival
Let’s celebrate! Our cultivators and growers have been working hard since the Spring, and now they share their bounty with us! With loads of great food to eat and lots of music and entertainment for all ages, it’s bound to be a memorable celebration.
October 11

Annual Snowbird Farewell
It’s always bittersweet to say goodbye to our migrating friends and wish them well on their journey. But let’s enjoy this one last party before takeoff! See you in the Spring, migrators!
October 19

 

Annual Account of the State of The Park
It all comes down to this: how are we getting along? Economically? Socially? What is the state of interspecial harmony? Are we there yet? We’ll know for sure on October 27.

POPS go the candidates:
This month, candidates will begin to pop up to vie for one of The Park’s few elected positions—Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. It’s your chance to prove you’re “fit to predict,” so go for it. November 5 is the last day to have your name officially entered as a candidate. Remember: Groundhog Day is only four months away!

OTD in 2015—PIFF preview: Herman Stoat: Mon Chemin Compliqué

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalAll PIFF documentaries are good. Some, of course, are better than others. Then, there are those that are spectacular.

And, that adjective is more than appropriate for the much-anticipated Herman Stoat: Mon Chemin Compliqué.

Conceived and produced by Pussyfoot Productions, this film about the life and work of the renowned dancer, choreographer, and founder and artistic director of the eponymous dance company has been in the making for more than four years. Yet, it received its official title only last year, after Stoat and his company’s assistant choreographer Gustav Hermelin created the dance, Le Chemin Compliqué, for the 2014 Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

“That was how we knew we were done,” Stoat said in a PRANCE magazine interview last month. “Somehow, with that dance and that title, we’d come full circle.”

Stoat knows a lot about circles, having danced professionally for years before founding the Herman Stoat Dance Company. And while he’s achieved a level of artistic success that was previously unknown in The Park, that success, which includes being named Choreographer of the Decade by PRANCE Magazine, has come at a cost.

“You might say that I survived success,” Stoat jokes in an early scene in the film. “But you might also say that I didn’t.”

Even Stoat fans who watched the choreographer’s reality series three years ago on Vertebrate Vision TV will be surprised at the physical, mental, and emotional pain this film uncovers and how complicated a road Stoat has travelled.

A Park refugee, both Stoat’s parents died at the hands of Humans.

“They were in their prime but, unfortunately, so were their coats,” he says matter-of-factly.

Left to his own devices, the young Stoat found his way to The Park, where he was taken in by a family and raised, as he says, “with love and care.” But there were problems in the household, jealousies among the family’s natural offspring, and expectations he could not meet.

“Early on, I discovered my natural talent for dancing and it saved me. I could go off on my own, explore my ideas, and set my moves to music,” he says.

It was during that time that he discovered the effect his moves had on others, as well.

“It was almost hypnotic, the effect. I noticed crowds gathering and they were mesmerized by my dancing. Suddenly, I found I couldn’t stop and they didn’t want me to, either.”

Stoat danced himself into Park history, but there came a time when he did have to stop for a while, after the anguish of his early years caught up with him.

“I’d packed it all away and suddenly, after I won a few awards, it all came tumbling out. I needed some time alone and even contemplated retirement,” he says.

Fortunately for Park dance lovers, Stoat finally returned to the stage refreshed and ready to take on new challenges, including teaching, working with artists in other genres, and calling for more diversity of species in dance. And, he reveals in the film, there is even more to come.

“There are days when I wake up and I think, ‘I’ve only just begun,’ ” he says with joy.

Herman Stoat: Mon Chemin Compliqué will screen at the Park Cinema on Friday, October 2 at 2:00 p.m. and on Sunday, October 4 at 4:00 p.m.

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