The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2014—Police confirm officer among those injured in grooming house stampede

By

Stampede at Grooming House

One Park Police officer was injured at the grooming house stampede on May 31

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police confirmed today that one of their own was among the injured in the grooming house stampede on May 31.

At a press briefing outside their headquarters, a Police spokesAnimal confirmed reports that an officer had been taken to hospital after being attacked inside Tallulah’s Toilettage. The officer’s name was not released.

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), also attended the briefing. He said the officer was unarmed when he entered the grooming house.

“He was one of the first to respond at the scene. He called for reinforcements but, for him, it was too late. He was attacked…allegedly by a mob of disgruntled grooming house patrons,” Shepherd said.

The stampede led to the arrest of 35 Animals, most of whom are believed to be regular customers of the grooming house. Of the Animals arrested, 32 were charged with at least one offence. Those charges included mischief, unprovoked violence, injury to the body of a Police officer, inciting a riot, and the overtaking of a common grooming house for other purposes. All 32 Animals are awaiting court dates.

Meanwhile, The Park’s business community has called a meeting for Saturday, June 14 to discuss plans to draft what Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), calls a “battle plan.”

Though he would reveal no specific details, Whistlepig said the meeting had already been scheduled when the stampede occurred.

“We had already seen that things were changing in The Park and we acknowledged that, as a group, we’d have to be prepared,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Five Questions For…Chuck the Guck Man

By

chuck-the-guck-manTMD Focus Reporter Riikard Havik talks to Chuck the Guck Man

RH: Let’s cut to the chase. Those rumours about a musical based on your life…true or false?

CHUCK: I thought you might ask about that. I don’t know who let the Cat out of the bag, so to speak, but yes, it’s true, or as true as it can be without it being a reality yet. The working title is, “Every Inch a Guck Man.”

RH: Really. I thought it might be “CHUCKles the Guck Man.” Why a musical?

CHUCK: Well, let’s face it: the life of a guck man isn’t exactly dramatic. Besides, it’s meant to be a sort of feel good thing: a celebration of Park life and the Animals who do the basic work that needs to be done here.

RH: So, you would call guck making a necessity and not a luxury?

CHUCK: It’s by no means a luxury! We have to attend to our ocular health. It’s critical.

RH: Now, there are other guck men in The Park, but you have the epithet “beloved” attached to your name…

CHUCK: I didn’t give myself that epithet, you know.

RH: Yes, I know, but do you have any theories as to why you are so beloved?

CHUCK: I think trust has a lot to do with it. I’m a fourth-generation Guck Man, which means my customers can count on me. I’m no fly-by-nighter, although I do work primarily at night. But all my guck is made in-house at my family’s three laboratories and all of it is delivered and applied by me. If something goes wrong, I’m here to set it right.

RH: That’s a lot of work, isn’t it? I don’t think we realize how much is involved in being a guck man.

CHUCK: It’s a busy life. It’s seven days a week, most weeks of the year. I take a bit of time off every now and then. But it’s rewarding.

RH: What would you tell the younger generation about guck-making that would make them want to join your ranks?

CHUCK: Well, first of all, you’ve gotta love it. For me, that’s easy. It’s in my blood. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t in the lab with my dad or grandfather, watching that guck bubble up in the tubes. But there are actually two things you’ve gotta love. One is guck and guck-making and the other is just as important and that’s other Animals. If you don’t love that part of it, you’re going to burn out quickly. You have to love your customers and want the best for them. I’m not saying that’s easy. Sometimes, it’s hard. But you have to care about them. Otherwise, what are you doing this for?

RH: If you hadn’t been a guck man, what do you think you’d have wanted to be?

CHUCK: You thought you’d trip me up there, didn’t you? But, actually, I have thought about that. And this might surprise you. I have a lot of admiration for Herman Stoat. We’ve become friends over the years…

RH: The choreographer?

CHUCK: Yes. And I think, if I hadn’t grown up surrounded by guck and guck men, I might well have tried to do something in the dance area. Choreography, maybe. Or maybe just dance. Or gymnastics. I do a bit of that on my own, when I have some free time.

RH: Gymnastics?

CHUCK: Yes. Does that surprise you?

RH: In fact, it does.

CHUCK: Guck men are not one-dimensional, you know.

RH: I realize that.

CHUCK: Or you’re just realizing that, now.

RH: One last question, and it’s an easy one for you: what does the “guck” acronym stand for?

CHUCK: That is an easy one. Glutinous Unctuous Coagulated Knots. It may not sound pretty, but we couldn’t live without it.

OTD in 2016—Chef Mikko Tikkeri tries to cope with June slump at The Feeding Station

By

Mikko TikkeriChef Mikko Tikkeri sits at one of the communal tables—his restaurant’s “feeding stations”—and stares at the line of empty holes.

“There should be bowls in there. There should be a line of Animals with their faces in those bowls,” he says in almost a defeated tone.

Although Tikkeri never directly names his enemy during our hour-long interview, there is no escaping the Elephant in the room: Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The annual event has taken a big bite out of Tikkeri’s business and perhaps an even bigger bite out of his heart.

“Where is the loyalty?” he asks, only half-rhetorically.

He knew he was taking a risk with the cutting edge concept and design of his new eatery and he admitted that the Feeding Station might alienate some customers or remind them of their time in enforced domestication. But the restaurant did well after its November opening—so well, in fact, that Tikkeri says he was blindsided by the sudden drop in diners.

“I don’t know where they’ve gone. My friends in the business tell me they [the customers] will be back, but it isn’t easy. I feel as if I’ve been accused of some wrongdoing…as if eating here is traumatic,” he says.

Indeed, there are Animals who see it that way but, according to business experts, they are not the problem.

“They’re not the ones who were eating there in the first place, so their absence won’t be felt this month,” says Ingmar Bäver, professor of Business Studies at the University of West Terrier’s Winston School of Business.

“What Tikkeri failed to do—and this is a common mistake—was to look ahead at what events might influence customer behaviour. He needs to plan for those and to offer diners something special during that time, something that will make them overcome their reluctance or even their curiosity about other places,” the business professor and part-time marketing consultant says.

For his part, Tikkeri hopes he’ll have the chance to get it right and that his customers will be understanding.

“I know about food, but I’m still learning about business and customer relations. I apologize for any discomfort felt this month by any of my customers,” he says.

OTD in 2012—New prize announced for merging artists

By

Maple Tree Television has established a new prize that is to be awarded every Autumn to honour The Park’s best merging artists.

MTTV President, Tibor Jelen, made the announcement yesterday at the station’s annual stakeholders’ meeting.

Jelen said the station had experienced “an unprecedented increase in the number of viewers” over the past year and attributed the rise in numbers to the station’s change in focus from news to arts programming.

“We have become, primarily, an arts television station,” he said, “and, for that reason, we decided it was appropriate to reward those who have played a large part in our success.”

Jelen said MTTV chose to honour “merging artists” because some station executives felt that The Park’s collaborating artists were “under-exposed.”

“We thought this was a good way to bring them [merging artists] to the public’s attention,” he said.

Merging artists are artists who work in only one field of the arts and who collaborate with one or more other artists who work in another, distinct field.

The first MTTV Merging Artist prize will be awarded this Autumn. The exact date and location have yet to be determined, Jelen said.

OTD in 2013—Stoat calls for more diversity in Park’s dance community

By

Park dance community lacks diversity

Choreograher Herman Stoat has called for more diversity in The Park’s dance community.

Acclaimed choreographer Herman Stoat is sounding the alarm about the lack of diversity in The Park’s professional dance community.

“We’re a pretty homogeneous group…mostly Mammals…and I don’t understand the reason for that,” he said at a gathering held to celebrate the debut of his new television show.

The Park’s premier choreographer says that, as the artistic director of his eponymous dance company, he has experienced first hand the difficulty in recruiting non-Mammalian species.

“We have auditions eight times a year and it’s such an effort to get them [non-Mammals] out. Several times a year, we advertise in papers like The Avian Messenger and The Ornis Interpreter. We know they have trained dancers; we know there are brilliant amateurs in many non-Mammalian communities…but we can’t seem to interest them in pursuing a professional career.”

To that end, Stoat says, he has initiated talks with members of The Park’s non-Mammalian communities to see if they are interested in partnering with his company to establish a school of dance.

“I see it as a feeder institution,” says Stoat. “We would be training the next generation of dancers, choreographers, and teachers…so that, in ten years, you might attend a performance of the Herman Stoat Dance Company and see Birds, Reptiles, Mammals, Insects…all dancing together. That is the dream that I would like to see become a reality.”

See also:

Herman Stoat named decade’s best choreographer
Reality TV series planned for Herman Stoat dance company

OTD in 2013—Heads roll at Insect Intelligencer in wake of scandal

By

Insect Intelligencer

The Insect Intelligencer advised on its front page that it has accepted the resignation of its Editor-in-Chief and other employees who were involved in the June 3, 2013 scandal.

A shake up at The Insect Intelligencer has left its Editor-in-Chief and a number of other workers at the paper unemployed.

The long-established Park newspaper advised on its front page yesterday that it had accepted the resignations of Editor-in-Chief Fannia di Volo, as well as those of three community editors, four staff reporters and a number of other unnamed employees, in the wake of the June 4 scandal.

As of today, these positions remain unfilled, according to a spokesAnimal for the daily. The Intelligencer will continue to publish, however, as it overhauls its hiring and editorial policies.

The paper, which launched its own investigation into the matter on Monday, is also the subject of investigation by the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP) and the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

While C-SNAP has no sanctioning authority, the ANMPN has confirmed that it is “looking very seriously” at levying a fine against the newspaper.

In an interview on Reptile Radio yesterday afternoon, ANMPN Executive Director Nathan R. DiPressa said the Association has plans to conduct a membership survey on the subject.

“This was a very serious breach of ethics and its effects are being felt by our entire membership. We intend to voice our concerns to the Intelligencer’s management in the very near future,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Burrows become hot property as Park’s growing population seeks housing

By

burrows-real-estateThe Park’s population continues to grow at a dizzying pace, and that’s good news for many businesses and services. But for those engaged in building and selling housing, the spike in population over the past few years has presented almost insurmountable challenges.

“We weren’t prepared for this,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), whose organization represents real estate services, but not builders. “We’re definitely having trouble accommodating newcomers.”

His admission is backed up by a recently-published report by the Department of Statistics and Records that concludes The Park has only enough sheltered housing for seventy percent of its resident Animals.

Whistlepig cites a number of reasons for the shortage and among them is one his organization brought to light after an investigation into the 2014 grooming house stampede: the sharp increase in those who look to others to do the things they used to do themselves.

“We used to groom ourselves, build our own housing, and find our own food. All that has changed over the past two decades and we haven’t kept up with demand because we didn’t take note of the changes in behaviour until it was too late,” he says, bluntly.

For some of The Park’s established builders, though, there is a silver lining in this housing cloud.

Orders are “way up,” according to Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond. And, he says, at least twenty-five per cent of B&B’s new customers are neither hibernators nor natural burrowers.

“We’re surprised by the number of species willing to compromise on housing,” he says. “But burrows can be built in an eighth of the time that above-ground sheltered housing takes, and they last for years and can easily be enlarged. It’s a smart choice and more and more Animals are seeing that,” he says.

Resales are also up, according to Subterranean Sales and Rental.

“Burrows are hot property these days, no question,” a spokesAnimal for the company told The Mammalian Daily. “And we see no sign of a slowdown in sales.”

OTD in 2012—Retired Archon wades into sea of controversy with speech

By

Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, waded into a sea of controversy on Friday afternoon when he addressed the 2012 graduating class at the University of West Terrier.

Often described as a “soft-spoken” Animal, Seahorse, who held the position of Archon in 2008, has not been heard from very much since he left office in January, 2009. In April of this year, however, he was selected by the Governors of the University to deliver the 101st commencement address on June 1.

Seahorse’s speech, delivered from the podium at the Hippo Campus of the University, began traditionally enough, with the former Archon emphasizing the importance of education in Animals’ lives and praising the perseverance of the graduates and their families. Then, suddenly, the speech took a political turn and Seahorse began to speak negatively in reference to “The Promise of The Park.”

“The Promise of The Park is a sham. I’m afraid you’ve been had,” he declared, as many in the audience gasped. A few — likely proponents of a different political system — could be seen wagging their tails in agreement.

As he continued in the same vein, the audience became agitated until, at last, Seahorse returned to the more neutral topic of the value of education.

With the speech brought to conclusion, Seahorse exited to mild applause. After the ceremony, graduates and their families admitted to a certain degree of puzzlement.

“I think he had some good points [to make]; I’m just not sure this was the appropriate occasion for bringing them up,” said one graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism.

Indeed, although many appeared to believe that another venue would have been more suitable for the former Archon to express his opinions, an informal survey showed that many of the graduates “mildly agreed” with many of Seahorse’s statements.

Still, many more took issue with the expressed criticisms and there have been calls for public censure of the former Archon. As of this morning, however, the President and the Governors of the University of West Terrier have refused to comment on the incident.

OTD in 2011—Olden Goldies: Noreen interviews The Barkettes

By

Long a fan of Thisbe and the Barkettes and, at one time, a Dog in-the-running for one of the top singing spots in the group, Noreen recently sat down with The Barkettes (Estelle, Lorraine, Carmen and Mercedes), for an honest chat about life, love and the Canine music world.

N: When did you first realize that you were on your way to becoming the top Canine singing group of all time?

E: I don’t know if we actually thought about it in that way. We knew that we were good; we knew that we could make it, as long as we were allowed to make it, that is. And my Mum, in particular, kept us going and wouldn’t let us ever be discouraged. Even when we faced blatant discrimination and anti-Caninism. There were many times we saw signs that said “No Dogs Allowed” and I, at least, would want to collapse. But Mum would never let me do it.

L: I don’t think people — Humans, that is — realize the impact such things have on Dogs. And other Animals, too. For so many centuries, we’ve been treated as chattel…as if we have no value outside the value of the Humans we live with — if we live with Humans. I think The Barkettes have done a great service, really, in showing the world — Canine, Human, Feline — what Animals can do when they set their minds to it.

It’s not just the sound of our music or our voices — although I’m sure that the quality of the sounds helped immensely. I think it’s partly that we have an honest desire to do something with our lives…

M: And our love of music, too. That can’t be discounted. Without that, we never would have been able to sustain the blows we did and the insults, too.

C: Absolutely. I think in that way, the arts, whichever of them, can help to sustain anyone who is an underDog.

We were underDogs, too, when we started. We played living rooms, parks, anywhere they would book us. And we were glad to do it. We wanted to bring our love of music to the whole world — not just the Canine world, but the whole world. I used to practice in my backyard; some of my highest notes I sent up the chimney. But when it worked, there was no feeling like it. I don’t think I could have done it in any other field.

Official NoreenN: Do you ever miss having a normal life?

E: Who knows what’s normal, anymore? This is what’s normal for us…or, at least, it’s what’s become normal for us. I would hate to have missed the life that we’ve had, the things we’ve done, the Animals we’ve met.

And I would like to say here that I will always be grateful to Thisbe, because this was all her idea. I could never have envisioned it.

C: That’s true and I think we all agree on that. But if you mean do I wish I’d had the opportunity to…say…have a litter…I don’t know. I guess I feel it’s something I could have done if the opportunity had arisen. But it didn’t, so I don’t regret it, really. I have 187 nieces and nephews and they all give me great joy when I see them.

M: I think we can’t regret it when we know that soon we’ll have to retire and we know how much we’ll miss performing.

L: I will really miss it. But I also am looking forward to a rest. And I’ve always wished I could have gone for training, so that’s something that I’m thinking of starting when we retire.

OTD in 2018—June will be bustin’ out all over!

By

1-30 June – Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM)
Now in its sixth year, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month kicks off June 1. The full schedule will be released then and will include many new events, including Noreen’s “Just Say No To Obedience” campaign and the two-day forum, “Focus on Large Animal Domestication,” at the University of West Terrier. Watch this space and follow us on Twitter for EDAM-related news throughout June.


1 June – University of West Terrier Commencement Day
The day has finally come for the 2018 graduating class at the University of West Terrier. In addition to receiving their degrees, the class will have the chance to hear former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros give the commencement day address. It’s an exciting time for all involved and we wish a lifetime of happiness and success to all graduates.

1 June – Kynikos Press releases “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, and Goodnight,” by Thisbe and the Barkettes
This long-awaited memoir by Thisbe and the Barkettes is sure to set tongues wagging. The most successful musical group The Park has ever known spills the beans on everything they’ve seen, heard,
and experienced over their long career. Sure to be a bestseller and a must-read for all fans of the Barkettes.

 

 

1 June – The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) To correspond with Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), the PMoCA unveils its 2018 art installation, “A Picture Hides a Thousand Words,” on June 1. In announcing the installation, head curator Aamuun Maroodiga said, “This interactive installation will highlight the power of the ‘selfie,’ by pairing mirrors with cameras to remind us of the importance not only of the picture we domesticated Animals take of ourselves, but of the picture we and others ultimately see.”

3 June – Thisbe and the Barkettes: Reading and Meet and Greet
Proprietor Wyuna Winkle welcomes The Park’s most successful musical group to her bookshop to read from their new memoir and greet their loyal fans.
Reading: 12:00-12:45
Meet and greet: 1:00-3:30
Pawprinting and refreshments: 3:30-5:00

15 June – Chitter Radio Literary Awards
Considered the most prestigious literary awards in The Park, the Chitter Radio Literary Awards has recognized Park writers ranging from former Archon Nicholas Gander to comedian Woodruff Dalmatio to Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen. The year, the CRLA has once again expanded its entry categories to include spoken word.

“We need to continue to broaden our horizons and reward those artists whose work may not fit easily into previously-established categories,” says CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán.

16-18 – June Feline Fiction Fest
The oldest fiction festival in The Park, the Feline Fiction Fest honours the creative output of our Feline residents in a range of categories that rivals all other fiction festivals. This year, the Fest will highlight the work of Big Cats at its newly-built Mane Stage. Stay tuned for other special events, as they are announced.

 

 

 

28 June – Last Day for Pre-Estivation Deposits
30 June – Central Bank of The Park closed for mid-year tally
Don’t forget: the last day to make pre-estivation deposits at any financial institution in The Park is 28 June.

 

 

29 June – Official Start of Estivation
This is the day we say “au revoir” to The Park’s estivating community. We’ll miss you terribly, but we look forward to seeing you again, in September.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

February 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
232425262728