The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2017—Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic director quits amid controversy

By

polar-bears-poetry-picnicKumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear, who tried to make the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic more open and inclusive, has resigned after serving two years of this three-year term.

In a letter to the event organizers and to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, Polar Bear thanked the department for their confidence in him and expressed his appreciation for the opportunity to serve The Park’s literary community.

“I will be forever grateful to you for allowing me the chance to broaden my fellow Animals’ appreciation of my species and of poetry,” he wrote in his letter of resignation.

Polar Bear made no mention of the recent controversy, which Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear stirred up a week before Saturday’s event. The former picnic director said he felt the event would be diminished by the upcoming changes such as the inclusion of non-poets and artists from other media and genres. He also offended many when, in an interview with Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, he made remarks that sounded as if he believed that his own species was superior in the field of poetry and he decried what he believed was the “watering down” of the genre in order to appeal to other species.

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has not commented on the resignation.

OTD in 2015—Park innovators to watch: TulipTracker

By

TulipTrackerThird in a series

Goodbye, Tulip Map.
Hello, Tulip App!

Brought to you by GVC De-Techt, The Park’s youngest tech company, this new app promises to deliver all the information Animals will need to source those juicy, fresh Tulip bulbs every Spring and Fall.

“We’re able to give you a heads-up because we keep our nose to the ground,” said the company’s proud president and CEO, R.A. Vole, at the app’s launch earlier this month.

Vole emphasized the extensive research that was required to produce the app, which will be available for download later this Spring.

“Our company prides itself on research, as well as innovation,” said the Park native who worked for another detection company before launching his own brand.

“TulipTracker has been in the works for almost a decade and our extensive testing over the last few years shows that it will shave at least a week off most Animals’ Tulip-sourcing time. It will be a great asset to small Animals, particularly to small hibernators,”

While GVC De-Techt asserts that its products are aimed at the general Animal population, Consuela Tapir says she’s fairly certain the target market for TulipTracker is “those small hibernators Vole referenced at the launch.”

While Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok, has no problem with that idea, she thinks the company should be upfront about it.

“After all,” she says, “we only need to look at this new app’s advertising slogan to see what its target market is.”

And just what is that slogan?

“We peep while you sleep,” say the latest print ads.

See also:
FoodFinder™
Five Park innovators to watch

OTD in 2015—May’s “Month Without Metaphor” spreads beyond print media

By

Radio and TV stations will join print media for May’s “Month Without Metaphor”

The second annual “Month Without Metaphor” (MWM) is set to outstrip its predecessor, organizers of the Park media event said today.

“We were ecstatic about the reception last year and by how many newspapers and magazines were willing to participate,” said Alvin Tinamou on TMD Radio this morning. Tinamou is publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the event’s organizers.

“But this year, it’s not only print media, but radio and television stations. I think, by June, we’ll be able to consider the event an unqualified success,” he said.

The idea behind the initiative, Tinamou said, is to “tell it like it really is…no embellishments, no idiotic comparisons, no ridiculous painting of pictures for the reading public. Just the facts. We [participants] are of the opinion that all this metaphorical reporting is obscuring the facts and distracting our readers’ attention from the important issues. What we need is clarity, particularly during challenging times,” he said.

Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), says he’s “stunned” by the success of MWM.

“Not only the success they’ve achieved in so little time, but the way it’s happened,” he says.

“There are very few cases in which radio and television have been affected by print media in such a way and to see that they [radio and television] are following, rather than leading…that’s amazing.”

The Park’s media-wide “Month Without Metaphor” will run from May 1-31, 2015.

OTD in 2017—DWBS confirms detailed map of Park found outside official boundaries

By

map-of-parkThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has confirmed that a map of The Park has been found outside our official boundaries.

In a short statement issued this morning, the department confirmed that a map of The Park that shows the location of some of our government institutions and businesses was found on the ground outside the western border.

According to the statement, the department was advised of the map’s existence early this month by Park police, who said a citizen who encountered it while travelling outside The Park surrendered it to them.

The map is not an official Park map, but one that the department believes was drawn by a Human who had visited The Park or had some knowledge of it.

Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the DWBS, has confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that the department will hold a press conference this coming week to discuss the details and possible ramifications of the situation.

OTD in 2015—Look what’s coming up!

By

Put this on your calendarThere are some big events coming up in the Spring. Put these on your calendar for the next few weeks:

March 29: The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff”
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”
Formerly the “Shake for Charity,” this semi-annual event aids those who have no coat. The Shakeoff also offers free grooming and refreshments to participants.

March 30: Tulip season
Yes, it’s that time of year already. But if you’re not yet prepared, stay tuned to The Mammalian Daily for some helpful tips in locating your favourite Springtime bulbs.

April 8-10: The Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual “Broopee Days”
Are you a Broopee? We’re all Broopees during the Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual Broopee Days! Try the super-specials in April and don’t forget the instant win contests!

April 15: Footpad Heaven Clearance Sale
Don’t be a slave to style! Even though it may be last year’s stock, FH’s Toepads, Footpads and other clearance accoutrement are brand new. Indulge yourself at half the price!

OTD in 2014—Prediction’s accuracy “bittersweet for me,” says 2014 POPS Solange Marmotte

By

Solange Marmotte

Solange Marmotte,
2014 POPS

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

It’s been almost seven weeks since Groundhog Day, when Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), emerged from her burrow, saw her shadow, and predicted six more weeks of Winter.

With temperatures hovering well below the freezing mark and Spring expected to arrive a month late, it would appear that Marmotte’s prediction was accurate. In fact, according to the Park Weather Office, it is the most accurate prediction made by a POPS since 2007.

That ought to make Marmotte a happy Mammal, but that is not what our reporter found when he accepted her invitation to join her for lunch yesterday at her burrow.

Marmotte, whose prediction is the subject of a lawsuit, appeared tired and even a bit distraught when she greeted our reporter at the entrance to her burrow.

At 9 years of age, she is one of the oldest Animals to hold the position of POPS, but she is in excellent health and maintains a positive outlook. Still, it is apparent that the lawsuit, in combination with this year’s truncated hibernation period, has taken its toll.

“It’s true,” says Marmotte, as she ushers her guest into the burrow. 

“It was an accurate prediction and I never doubted that for a moment,” she asserts.

“Those who said I saw a shadow that was not my own…they don’t know me. I couldn’t make that mistake. I knew what I was seeing and I knew that I had to be honest about it. As everyone knows, there is a lot of pressure on the POPS…I’m not saying that any POPS has succumbed to it, but there is pressure. And, yes, I was feeling it. It had already been a long, hard Winter and we were all hoping that it would end soon. But that was not to be and I saw that as soon as I emerged,” she says.

Marmotte contends she is not completely surprised that her prediction was challenged, but she was taken aback by the vehemence with which the challenge was pursued. And neither the accuracy of the prediction nor the accolades she’s received from the Park Weather Office can make up for the nagging feeling that she’s been betrayed.

“It doesn’t feel like a victory to me…or even a vindication. For me, it is bittersweet,” she says.

OTD in 2017—Millicent Hayberry to direct herself in second Colocolo mystery

By

MillicentHayberry Actress Millicent Hayberry will direct herself in the upcoming Gianfranco Colocolo mystery, Aracari, The Burrow Theatre announced today.

The mystery is the second in a series written for the stage by Colocolo, who is best known for his award-winning thriller, Murder at the Fishbowl. Last April, the first play in the series, Godwit, opened to rave reviews and continued its successful run until late October, when it closed to allow Hayberry to campaign full-time for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (an election she lost to Ditmar Bosmarmot).

This is the first time that Hayberry has directed. Best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, Hayberry has said that acting was her first love, but that she’d seriously considered trying other art forms, such as writing and directing.

“It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows Millicent that she would eventually go into directing,” Jean-Luc Briard, who directed Godwit, said in an interview in Misterio, The Park’s mystery writers’ magazine. “Her personality lends itself to directing. She likes to be in control at all times, but she is also a deep thinker and keenly aware of others’ feelings and motivations. These qualities make a superb director.”

Aracari previews will begin at The Burrow Theatre at the end of April. A gala opening performance will be held in May.

OTD in 2017—Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

By

3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

OTD in 2017—Score one for Rotte: March’s Stereotype Sunday theme will be Rodents

By

GunnarScore one for Gunnar Rotte,

The beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter and part-time counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic (currently on leave), has been campaigning for years to get us to focus on the plight of the Rodent population—both inside and outside The Park—and the damage caused by the “traumatic narrative” on which his species is raised.

After a string of attempts to have the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) declare an official “Rodents’ Day,” Rotte has finally succeeded in getting our attention, albeit on a different stage than he’d planned.

Despite that, he says he is seeing it as a win and a first step toward the “enlightenment of other Park species.”

“My campaign—if that’s what you want to call it—has been misrepresented as one that says, ‘Rodents first.’ That’s nonsense. I would more accurately portray it as, “Rodents, too,’ ” he said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Rotte, who says he hopes next Sunday’s event will be only the first of many, told host Cornelio Orsetto that he had “many irons in the fire and many surprises to unleash” in the coming months. He also confirmed rumours that he would be returning to work at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic in May.

“My work there is some of the most important that I’ve ever done,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic “diminished” by concept of openness: former director

By

2012 Toe-Hair contest winner Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear will serve as head judge of this year's contest, a little more than a month after organizing the Polar Bear's Poetry PicnicThe annual Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic has lost its way, says its former director.

Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, who was the chief organizer of the popular celebration from 2013-2015, says the picnic is being “led astray” by the “concept of openness” and the participation of non-poets and artists from other media and genres.

In an interview with Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio yesterday, Worthington Polar Bear complained that the inclusion this year of short plays, face-painting, and acrobatics, will “diminish” the event and cloud the purpose of it, which was to celebrate the genre of poetry.

“It was established as a pure event, an event of pure poetry,” Worthington Polar Bear said. “Now, they’ve muddied the waters and it’s hard to tell what it is.”

While he stopped short of explicitly criticizing Kumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear, the event’s new organizer, Worthington Polar Bear took a direct hit at what he called “the forces of inclusion” and “the push to appeal to all species.”

“There is a reason this event was established by Polar Bears,” he told Tavros. “Polar Bears have a long and proud history as poets and as a species that appreciates poetry. Not all species are interested in poetry and that’s fine. But must we water down the genre in order to appeal to them? Surely we needn’t fill in all the lakes and ponds because some of us can’t swim,” he said.

Worthington Polar Bear was also critical of the event’s recent attempts to make itself appealing to The Park’s younger citizens.

“I believe strongly in exposing our young to the arts, not of exposing the arts to our young,” he said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031