The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2012—Let’s Talk Balls! with Bailey: The Tennis Ball

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Bailey Balls Columnist

Today’s ball is the TENNIS ball.

The tennis ball has a long history with Dogs.

Originally employed in the ancient world, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the tennis ball was first used in the hospitality rites that were common among the ancient Canines.

Evidence from Canine epic poetry suggests that the balls were used in the entertainment portion of these rites. Citing lines from The Kyniad, the oldest of these poems, cynologists at the University of West Terrier have supported their belief that the balls were used in a type of “dance” that was performed in front of guests at the end of a meal. In Books VI and VII of the poem, young female Canines toss the ball back and forth, nose to nose, to the sound of string music.

These balls, which were originally terracotta spheres, were covered in vine leaves in order to cushion the blow to the Dogs’ noses. Historians postulate that, as this rite evolved, paddles fashioned from tree branches and fitted with cloth at one end were used to strike the ball. Many years later, the balls were refashioned out of more flexible material.

While this hospitality rite eventually disappeared from use, the dance became a favourite pastime in the years before zoocracy.

Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the tennis ball.

Sources: The Kyniad; Daily Life in the Ancient Canine World, Volume 3: Balls; Balls of the Ancient Canine Games; Hospitality Rites and Rituals in the Ancient Canine World; From Sphere to Shining Sphere: A History of Balls Across the Ages; The Canine’s Illustrated Guide to Balls; Ancient Spherophiles and their Influence on History; Follow the Bouncing Ball: How Dogs Introduced Balls to the Human World; The Concept of Play in the Ancient Canine World; Balls: An Appreciation; various newspaper articles and reports.  

OTD in 2016—Tinamou nest found outside Park; eggs replaced with Bailey’s basketball

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NestJPEGPark Police announced this morning that they have recovered the nest of Alvin Tinamou and his mate Adela.

Szabina Héja, head of the Airborne Investigative Unit (AIU), made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“Yesterday afternoon, our team was directed to a Tree outside The Park. Upon investigation, we discovered and later took possession of a nest with a basketball inside it. After extensive testing at our laboratory, we have determined that the nest is that of Alvin Tinamou. Our tests also revealed that the basketball is the same one lent to The Park Museum by Mammalian Daily balls columnist Bailey. Unfortunately, we were unable to find any evidence of the Tinamou eggs. Our Unit continues to search for the eggshells and we are optimistic that we will be successful,” Héja said.

Experts say, however, that since the nest was stolen in mid-June, there is little hope of recovering the eggshells.

“Those chicks would have hatched by early July at the latest,” says Dr. Simon Crow, head of Avian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. “They would, physiologically, almost be adults by now. And the shells surely would have been used for other purposes.”

The AIU head did not comment on the state of the basketball, nor did she give reporters any idea of when the ball might be released to its rightful owner. But she did confirm that both the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) have been brought in to help in the search for the perpetrator of the crime.

OTD in 2014—Doves of Peace to host recruitment event last weekend in August

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Doves of PeaceGet your résumés ready!

The Doves of Peace will be hosting a two-day recruitment event during the last weekend in August.

In a “beaks-up” communication released today, spokesBird Georgina Golub confirmed the rumour that for the first time in six years the Doves are hiring.

“Recent events in The Park, including the grooming house stampede of May 31, have driven home the need for us to widen our scope in terms of the number and types of events we attend. And, in order to do that, we must increase our numbers,” she said.

The Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, traditionally have been sent to attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. After consultations with regular Park Police, the Archons, and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the Doves decided it was time to expand their list of duties.

“We do not produce peace nor do we restore it,” Golub said in an interview on Chitter Radio.

“But we do encourage it and our presence at events does help to promote a sense of calm. We can’t underestimate the need for that these days and whatever we can do, we wish to do,” she said.

Golub said details of the recruiting event, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will be released next week.

OTD in 2014—Jargonhead “raps up” tour, signs on to headline Beats of Burden Music Festival

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JargonheadLegendary Park singer Jargonhead confirmed today that he has “rapped up” his Ducks in a Row tour and is on his way home to The Park to prepare for a co-hosting and headlining gig at the second annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“He is primed and ready,” the rapper’s manager Jukka Ankka told The Mammalian Daily.

Jargonhead, who signed on last year to perform at the inaugural event, is said to be a “huge fan” of the music festival.

“The concept suits him to a T,” says Ankka. “He’s all about helping the disadvantaged and pointing out the hypocrisy in our world.”

The Beasts of Burden, who founded the annual music festival last year to aid The Park’s refugees, released a statement of gratitude this morning.

“We extended the offer [of co-hosting] and were hoping for the best, but we were overwhelmed by his enthusiasm. We are very grateful to Jargonhead,” the statement said.

Beats of Burden logoThe Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place in The Park 12-14 September 2014.

OTD in 2016—Cackling Goose coalition asks: Would we be safer without sod?

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Cackling Goose TavernThe coalition of groups that has conducted regular meetings at the Cackling Goose Tavern has sent a message to the citizens and residents of The Park.

Inside a carefully worded missive published in all Park media today, the coalition poses the question: Would we be safer without sod?

The group, whose members include representatives of citizen aid and action associations, environmental groups, other alliances and federations, and some of The Park’s technology companies, has been working since the end of July to develop a proposal for The Park’s 2017 budget.

Today they are calling on the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to join them in their effort to keep Park residents safe from Human invasion.

The DWBS, who came under fire recently for issuing a safety alert that some deemed too late to save Park Animals, has promised to look into the coalition’s proposal to substitute grass seed for The Park’s sod.

“We believe that Humans, who have a very short attention span, would be less likely to see The Park as a vacation option if they had to wait for the grass to grow,” the coalition says in its statement.

While that might prove true and could result in fewer Humans endangering Park Animals, some warn that there is a downside to this way of thinking.

“We continue to walk a fine line when it comes to Humans and tourism. On the one hand, we want to maintain The Park for ourselves, but on the other, we have to admit that we are far too small to be self-sustaining. We rely on the funds that come from Humans who buy our products and services and it does us no good to pretend that we don’t,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

The coalition is seeking the input of resident Park Animals before it presents its proposal to Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja. Abeja announced last month that she would be presenting her 2017 budget on August 17.

OTD in 2014—Aardeekhoorn willed burrow to Park Repertory Theatre: rumour

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Last will and testament documentGossip site headsNtales is reporting that the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn willed her burrow to the Park Repertory Theatre not long before her death.

In an online editorial piece, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo praises Aardeekhoorn for her commitment to Park theatre and to the “ongoing drama that takes place in The Park every day.”

Guacamayo, who claims to have a reliable source at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, also writes in her editorial that the will has had its first reading and will be made available to the public within the next few weeks.

The law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg declined to comment on the piece. Aardeekhoorn’s family could not be reached for comment, but actress Millicent Hayberry, who played Aardkeehoorn in the stage and film versions of “Mixed Nuts” says it “fits perfectly” with Aardeekhoorn’s personality.

“She was a very generous Animal and it [willing the burrow to the theatre] fits perfectly with that generosity,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Zorro verdict likely this month; court transcripts to be released in October

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Raimundo ZorroClosing arguments were heard Friday in the trial of SplotchWatch web site owner Raimundo Zorro and the verdict of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will likely come down this month, experts say.

Zorro faces two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord.” The former charges refer to the intent of his web site; the latter refers to its effects.

Zorro, whom some have described as a disgruntled former journalist, was represented in court by his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund. Varghund is a junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

During the trial and in closing, Varghund argued vehemently that Zorro’s only intent in running the web site was to encourage “openness and honesty” and to let Park Animals know who among them had removed their stripes or spots.

The issue became of major concern this year when The Park’s major grooming houses reported that stripe removal had become their most sought-after service. This is likely due to both social and financial concerns, as numerous reports and studies have indicated that striped and spotted Animals do not receive equal treatment in The Park.

After almost six months of police surveillance, Zorro’s web site was shut down last March and he was subsequently charged. The original trial date was set for June 25, but it was held over until July 13 due to the temporary absence from The Park of several key witnesses.

A spokesAnimal for The Park’s court system confirmed that, in the interest of openness, the transcripts of the trial will be made public in October.

OTD in 2011: Downward spiral leaves Mollusk Messenger’s future in doubt

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The future of one of The Park’s oldest newspapers hangs in the balance, as executives at The Mollusk Messenger meet tomorrow morning to weigh the financial consequences of recent editorial decisions.

Sources close to owner and Chief Financial Officer, Evander Slak, say he blames editor-in-chief, Angelika Cowrie, for the decrease in the newspaper’s readership and its resultant impact on the bottom line.

“She was too hard…she wouldn’t bend at all when it came to responding to what our readers wanted,” said one ex-employee who spoke to The Mammalian Daily on condition of anonymity.

What the readers wanted, according to surveys conducted by the newspaper itself, was more commentary on the news and less “reporting at a distance,” the ex-employee says.

“It’s a fast-changing world and they were simply too slow,” agreed Braydon Raubtier, a journalist with the Dingo Boomerang.

Those who work with Cowrie, a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier, say she is a “traditionalist,” and one who believes that it is wrong to make the reporter part of the story.  The Messenger is one of the few newspapers that does not publish personal columns or opinion pieces.

“That’s all well and good, but if your readers want your opinion, you’d better give it to them or they’ll go somewhere else to get what they want,” says Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

The Mollusk Messenger is not the only Park newspaper that is suffering financially, however.  With readership down and advertising revenues imploding, it has been difficult for most Park newspapers to keep going without making drastic changes.

OTD in 2014—Architects Fleck + Stone announce change to Park Museum design

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Park MuseumJust months before its much-anticipated opening, the architects of the Park Museum have announced a major change to the institution’s design.

In a press release issued today, chief architect Vadim Kobras confirmed that after extensive consultations with the Museum’s Board of Governors, alterations were made to the original plans to allow for space for a small art gallery. The gallery will be attached to the small building that will house the library’s collection of books, manuscripts, and musical scores.

“We would like to thank the Board of Governors for their patience and support in allowing us time to design an appropriate space in which to showcase the art of The Park,” Kobras’s statement said.

A spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors confirmed that the museum will soon be seeking a full-time curator for the small gallery. In the meantime, the spokesAnimal said, members of the museum’s board will be touring The Park’s galleries, as well as the 2014 Park Art Walk  (PAW) in search of items for the opening exhibit.

OTD in 2015—Noreen shocks Yannis Tavros listeners: “Let’s organize a Superfan Saturday!”

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Official NoreenListeners to the Yannis Tavros show on Wednesday were treated not only to an exclusive interview with Noreen, but to an extemporaneous ode to superfans and a spontaneous call to honour their contributions.

“The rôle of superfans has changed immensely over my lifetime in that they now have an actual rôle to play in the careers of their idols,” said the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier.

“Their relationship to the stars, whether they be musicians, painters, singers, sculptors, writers…has become symbiotic and I truly believe this is a positive thing.”

Noreen, who has herself been called “the ultimate superfan,” because of her longstanding loyalty and affection for Thisbe and the Barkettes, was a solo guest on the Toro Talk Radio show Wednesday. While taking calls from listeners, Noreen experienced what she called a “whistle in her ear,” a term she has used often for the phenomenon of an idea that presents itself to her out of the blue.

“We need to organize a Superfan Saturday!” she exclaimed, taking Tavros and the radio station by surprise. “Let’s make a commitment, right here and now to honour superfans publicly. If you are a superfan, call in now. We’ll take down your name and details and get back to you about the time and date.”

By the time the show was finished, Noreen and the radio technicians had a list of hundreds of superfans, and a queue of several hundred more waiting on the phones.

While Tavros seemed stunned, Noreen was obviously thrilled by the response. She said she planned to visit the office of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations as soon as she took off her microphone.

“Let’s do this!” she barked. “This is going to be one heck of a celebration!”

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