The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Chitter Radio Literary Awards: Woodruff Dalmatio’s “Fine Lines and Wrinkles”

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Woodruff DalmatioSPOTLIGHT ON…

Fine Lines and Wrinkles: Standing up for Comedy in the Modern Park
by Woodruff Dalmatio
275 pp Kynikos Press

On the list of contenders for this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards is Woodruff Dalmatio’s insightful and hilarious memoir-cum-rant, Fine Lines and Wrinkles: Standing up for Comedy in the Modern Park. 

The Park comic, whose book is entered in both the memoir and humour categories, was last heard calling for a “Month Without Media” in response to The Park’s annual “Month Without Metaphor.” He is otherwise known for his outrageous standup comedy which found him running “afowl” of certain species last year.

While Dalmatio was censured for some inappropriate comments and he lost a few gigs, he’s made up for it in this book, not by taking the high road per se, but by delineating for his audience and readers the road that comics travel.

“There’s a fine line between humour and offence and comedians try to walk it every day,” he says in the book’s introduction. “Unfortunately, they stumble quite often.”

And about those wrinkles? Dalmatio contends they’re never anticipated and always a surprise. But here’s another wrinkle: he says they’re never unwelcome.

“The minute you step off the stage, the chatter begins and you never know where it will lead. You think you’ve had a smooth set, and then you find there’s a wrinkle in it. And, sometimes, that wrinkle grows huge and you have to do something to iron things out again. But without those wrinkles, your career would be stagnant,” he writes.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards take place June 15.

OTD in 2012—NIML wow crowd at Park’s first pop-up music event

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NIML (Not In My Lifetime) was in fine form on Monday as they wowed the crowd that quickly gathered at The Park’s first pop-up music event.

It was an ordinary, hazy Monday afternoon, spectators said, when lead singer, Beau Ballentyne, grabbed a microphone from inside his shopping bag and began to belt out the group’s signature tune, MYPod or Yours?

The other two members of the group quickly joined him for what turned out to be a half-hour impromptu concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

“There’s never been anything quite like this,” said onlooker Zaffi Newt. “They made quite a splash. It was a nice break in the day.”

Not everyone was pleased, though. The end of the concert was marred for some by a few vocal members of the group, “Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds.” Holding waterproof placards, they marched in a circle around the pond for a few minutes but, with no response from the crowd, they soon left.

“I don’t think they had many supporters there,” Newt said.

OTD in 2016—Tab to take on Tavros with launch of “Liberation Libation” at literary awards

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Tab TricoloreNever one to back down from a fight, celebrity chef and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has announced that he plans to use Wednesday’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards to take down his latest enemy, Yannis Tavros.

Tavros, who last month accused Tricolore of discriminating against the non-striped at his pub, The Tabby Club, launched his #BullintheTabbyClub campaign in earnest last week when he encouraged his listeners and Twitter followers to boycott Tricolore’s restaurants. Instead, he told them to follow him to Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station.

Tricolore did not respond immediately to the challenge. But today he announced that he would be serving his newest creation, the #LiberationLibation, to all attendees at Wednesday’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

“It’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. Come and see what real freedom tastes like—not the kind that Tavros is serving up on the radio,” Tricolore posted in an online open invitation.

The popular chef, who won two Chitter Radio Literary Awards in 2013 for his cookbook, The Feral Roots of Our Festive Cuisine, is reportedly “incensed” that Tavros accused him of discrimination.

“Tab was born to a feral mother and experienced the kind of discrimination that Yannis Tavros can’t even imagine,” says Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “It wasn’t even his idea for The Tabby Club to be an all-striped pub. It was the original owner’s— who, by the way, was The Park’s first leader.”

Burmilla describes Tab as a “tough but fair” boss who “absolutely believes” in the equality of all species.

“About that, he’s never had a second thought,” says Burmilla.

OTD in 2014—Feline Fiction Fest to honour Nestor

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Nestor B&WDomestic Canine poetry may be all the rage these days, but the Feline Fiction Fest intends to honour one of its own this year: the late, great Park poet and renowned scientist, Nestor P. Cat.

In a statement released today, principal organizer Corazón Oncilla confirmed that the festival has planned an elaborate tribute to the much-beloved Park citizen.

The tribute, which will take place the evening of June 17th, will include a dinner, a reading of some of Nestor’s poetic works, a short film about his life, and the introduction of a poetry prize in his name to be awarded annually, starting with next year’s festival.

“Nestor was a very important Cat, not just in the world of poetry and science, but as a citizen of The Park. We are privileged to have the opportunity to honour him in this way,” Oncilla said.

Tickets for the tribute may be purchased at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre until June 17th.

The 16th annual Feline Fiction Fest will take place June 16-18.

OTD in 2017—Holstein Fashion plans June launch of scent to support EDAM, EQUALSS

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grazecroppedHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, will continue its charitable work this year by launching a new scent, GRAZE, that will benefit enforced domestication awareness (EDAM) as well as the company’s own charity, EQUALSS.

A statement released this morning by company president and CEO Balbina Ko included an invitation to all Park residents to the June 15 launch party at the Reek-O-Rama.

“Please join us to celebrate the strides we’ve made in enforced domestication awareness and in achieving equality among the species, especially the striped and spotted,” the invitation reads.

In the statement, Ko describes the scent as having “notes of grass, fresh rain, and clotted earth, combined in such a way as to be reminiscent of peaceful Summer days away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.”

While the scent will be the star of the launch party, the celebration of equality and Animal self-rule will be the theme, Ko told The Mammalian Daily. All attendees will receive a sample of the scent and all proceeds from its sale in June and July will go to enforced domestication awareness. After that, the proceeds will be split between EDAM and Holstein Fashion’s own charity, EQUALSS, which supports equality for the striped and spotted.

OTD in 2015—By invitation: Feral Four to perform newest song at Feline Fiction Fest

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FelineFictionFest croppedFor the first time in its history, the Feline Fiction Fest will add a musical component to its literary celebration. And the music will be supplied by The Feral Four.

The addition to the programme was announced this morning in this joint statement released by the literary festival’s organizers and by Colony Records, the group’s label:

“The Feline Fiction Fest is pleased to announce that The Feral Four has accepted our invitation to perform at our 2015 festival, which takes place June 16-18. The group has generously offered to perform six concerts in total: afternoon and evening concerts on each of the three days of the festival. They will also be introducing their newest song, TNR, in honour of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.”

The Park’s Social media sites lit up as soon as the statement was released, in part due to the fact that the group hasn’t performed alone in almost four years.

“The Feral Four performing SIX count ’em concerts at FFF! We’ll be there! #fictionneversoundedsogood” wrote the group’s fan club on gaggle.

OTD in 2004—Tartan Crab found ripped to pieces; domestic Dogs held for questioning

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dogjailForensic experts were on the scene within minutes after the discovery early Saturday morning of the scattered remains of the Tartan Crab.

Following a set of events that some have described as “bizarre,” two domestic Dogs were last seen entering police headquarters. The Dogs, whose names have not been released, were taken in for questioning immediately following the preliminary investigation of the Crab’s demise.

Witnesses at the scene said both Dogs were seen hovering around pieces of the Crab’s stuffing, which lay scattered on the walkway in front of the Reek-o-Rama.

Detectives called to the scene estimated the time of devastation to have been between 9:30 and 10:00 am EDT.

At press time, it was rumoured that neither Canine had a suitable alibi for the time period.

“It was exactly the time that they go for their walk together,” said a witness who asked not to be named for this report. “They were probably waiting to be put on their leashes,” he said, confirming suspicions that the Dogs were known to each other. Whether or not they were known to the Tartan Crab has yet to be determined.

“It’s all part of this new generation of Dogs,” the witness continued. “They’re not properly trained and they’re forced to spend too much time alone. It’s natural that anger would start to build up in them.”

This view was echoed by resident Park analyst, Elinore E. Owl.

“Stuffed toys are an easy target for domestic Animals who cannot or will not control their hostile tendencies,” she said.

Nestor, for his part, was reported in stable condition after receiving treatment for shock at Dr. Bourru’s office. Nestor was found in an immobilized state at the scene of the crime on Saturday morning. The Tartan Crab had been the Cat’s pet for little more than a week.

One witness, in tears, appealed to the public to find the perpetrator of this heinous crime as soon as possible.

“As you know, Nestor was abandoned at a young age, and he was just getting to the point of being able to bond again. This is certainly going to make things that much harder for him,” she said.

Meanwhile, people gathered in The Park today to mourn the Tartan Crab’s untimely passing. A makeshift monument was set up near the Wishing Well and a small pond has been renamed in his honour. A fund has also been established to support research that might help prevent similar acts of violence in the future.

“We cannot risk becoming a carbon copy of the Human world,” said one Giraffe.

OTD in 2016—Members of Park’s endangered species feel stigmatized: study

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Extinction AnxietyA new study out of the University of West Terrier says that Extinction Anxiety (EA) is not the only mental health issue faced by members of The Park’s endangered species.

In a paper scheduled for publication in the August issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP), researchers report that Animals who are formally classified as members of endangered species feel the identification stigmatizes them. This makes them loath to admit to their status publicly and to take advantage of the related benefits to which they are entitled.

“We were surprised at first by the findings,” the study’s lead researcher, psychology professor Dr. Luule Aednik, said in an exclusive interview with The Mammalian Daily.

“Our natural reaction is to think they would welcome the empathy or sympathy of their fellow Park citizens. But when we dug deeper into the endangered experience, we realized these Animals were dealing with something much more insidious and almost as dangerous. And that is the unsympathetic attitude they experience from other species,” Aednik said.

Aednik explained that since survival itself remains the fundamental and overarching ethos of The Park, those who are marked as non-survivors—even generations hence—can experience unfair treatment and may even feel ostracized by members of other species.

“In a Park in which survival is a key component of self-esteem, members of endangered species feel the stigma profoundly, even without the attendant problems of low income, low employment levels, and a lack of support from other communities,” she said.

Referring to the background of the study, Aednik said she was moved to investigate when she read about the low levels of participation in the Department of Well-Being and Safety’s Endangered Species Benefit Programme (ESBP).

“In a way, that defied logic. I sensed there was a problem here that was worth investigation,” she said.

Aednik said she and her fellow researchers will continue to study citizens’ reactions to endangered species and she hopes the information will spark conversation among members of non-endangered species.

OTD in 2012—Advice columnist to join UWT Human Studies department

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Official NoreenPopular Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen, will assume a new set of duties this Autumn, when she becomes Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier’s newly-formed department of the same name.

Noreen, who is known for her signature quotation, “Humans — they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one,” is considered to be The Park’s foremost expert on Human behaviour.

“She is definitely the go-to Animal when it comes to understanding Humans,” said the President of the University in a statement released today.

“For that reason, among others, we believed she would be a great asset to the department and to our student body. We are extremely happy that she accepted our invitation and we are honoured to have her on staff.”

The new department, which is scheduled to begin offering classes in the Autumn of 2012, has appointed three other faculty members, one of whom will serve as departmental head.

In a telephone interview, Noreen confirmed that she intends to continue writing her Mammalian Daily advice column and “looks forward to combining these two careers.”

OTD in 2013—Animals celebrate as newspaper declares Humans extinct

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Animals celebratePark Animals broke into a spontaneous celebration yesterday, after the Insect Intelligencer declared the Human species to be extinct.

In a bold headline splashed across its front page, the Intelligencer announced, “Human species extinct scientific body confirms.”

The headline and related story turned out to be a hoax perpetrated on the paper and The Park by two of the daily’s reporters. In a statement on the paper’s web site, editor-in-chief Fannia di Volo apologized to the public for the distasteful prank and assured Park residents that the two reporters, whose names have not been released for security reasons, have been dismissed. The article was published without bylines.

“Their actions will be dealt with in the near future,” the statement concluded.

Within a few hours, all copies of the paper had been pulled from Park stores and di Volo had contacted all subscribers and media outlets to advise them of the situation.

Di Volo confirmed later in the day that a “full-scale” internal investigation of the incident had been launched. Some related associations and agencies, including the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), and the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN) have begun their own investigations.

Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and Executive Director of the ANMPN said he was distressed by the incident, calling it “vile” and a threat to all Park newspapers.

“Our credibility is at stake here,” he said. “This is a very serious breach of protocol and ethics.”

One of The Park’s oldest newspapers, The Insect Intelligencer was once considered one of our most authoritative and upstanding dailies. But, plagued by problems and scandals over the past few years, the paper has changed course several times and some say it appears to have lost its footing. Two years ago, it ceased publication temporarily due to a scandal and the arrest of five of its reporters. The scandal and the subsequent suspension of its popular Fly on the Wall feature resulted in a marked decrease in the paper’s readership. As of yesterday, there were no plans to alter the format or mission of the paper.

See also:

Scandal rocks Insect Intelligencer
One Human dead, reporter held for questioning outside Park
Archons at work behind scenes to secure reporter’s release

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