The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Chef Mikko Tikkeri tries to cope with June slump at The Feeding Station

By

Mikko TikkeriChef Mikko Tikkeri sits at one of the communal tables—his restaurant’s “feeding stations”—and stares at the line of empty holes.

“There should be bowls in there. There should be a line of Animals with their faces in those bowls,” he says in almost a defeated tone.

Although Tikkeri never directly names his enemy during our hour-long interview, there is no escaping the Elephant in the room: Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The annual event has taken a big bite out of Tikkeri’s business and perhaps an even bigger bite out of his heart.

“Where is the loyalty?” he asks, only half-rhetorically.

He knew he was taking a risk with the cutting edge concept and design of his new eatery and he admitted that the Feeding Station might alienate some customers or remind them of their time in enforced domestication. But the restaurant did well after its November opening—so well, in fact, that Tikkeri says he was blindsided by the sudden drop in diners.

“I don’t know where they’ve gone. My friends in the business tell me they [the customers] will be back, but it isn’t easy. I feel as if I’ve been accused of some wrongdoing…as if eating here is traumatic,” he says.

Indeed, there are Animals who see it that way but, according to business experts, they are not the problem.

“They’re not the ones who were eating there in the first place, so their absence won’t be felt this month,” says Ingmar Bäver, professor of Business Studies at the University of West Terrier’s Winston School of Business.

“What Tikkeri failed to do—and this is a common mistake—was to look ahead at what events might influence customer behaviour. He needs to plan for those and to offer diners something special during that time, something that will make them overcome their reluctance or even their curiosity about other places,” the business professor and part-time marketing consultant says.

For his part, Tikkeri hopes he’ll have the chance to get it right and that his customers will be understanding.

“I know about food, but I’m still learning about business and customer relations. I apologize for any discomfort felt this month by any of my customers,” he says.

OTD in 2013—Heads roll at Insect Intelligencer in wake of scandal

By

Insect Intelligencer

The Insect Intelligencer advised on its front page that it has accepted the resignation of its Editor-in-Chief and other employees who were involved in the June 3, 2013 scandal.

A shake up at The Insect Intelligencer has left its Editor-in-Chief and a number of other workers at the paper unemployed.

The long-established Park newspaper advised on its front page yesterday that it had accepted the resignations of Editor-in-Chief Fannia di Volo, as well as those of three community editors, four staff reporters and a number of other unnamed employees, in the wake of the June 4 scandal.

As of today, these positions remain unfilled, according to a spokesAnimal for the daily. The Intelligencer will continue to publish, however, as it overhauls its hiring and editorial policies.

The paper, which launched its own investigation into the matter on Monday, is also the subject of investigation by the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP) and the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

While C-SNAP has no sanctioning authority, the ANMPN has confirmed that it is “looking very seriously” at levying a fine against the newspaper.

In an interview on Reptile Radio yesterday afternoon, ANMPN Executive Director Nathan R. DiPressa said the Association has plans to conduct a membership survey on the subject.

“This was a very serious breach of ethics and its effects are being felt by our entire membership. We intend to voice our concerns to the Intelligencer’s management in the very near future,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Burrows become hot property as Park’s growing population seeks housing

By

burrows-real-estateThe Park’s population continues to grow at a dizzying pace, and that’s good news for many businesses and services. But for those engaged in building and selling housing, the spike in population over the past few years has presented almost insurmountable challenges.

“We weren’t prepared for this,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), whose organization represents real estate services, but not builders. “We’re definitely having trouble accommodating newcomers.”

His admission is backed up by a recently-published report by the Department of Statistics and Records that concludes The Park has only enough sheltered housing for seventy percent of its resident Animals.

Whistlepig cites a number of reasons for the shortage and among them is one his organization brought to light after an investigation into the 2014 grooming house stampede: the sharp increase in those who look to others to do the things they used to do themselves.

“We used to groom ourselves, build our own housing, and find our own food. All that has changed over the past two decades and we haven’t kept up with demand because we didn’t take note of the changes in behaviour until it was too late,” he says, bluntly.

For some of The Park’s established builders, though, there is a silver lining in this housing cloud.

Orders are “way up,” according to Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond. And, he says, at least twenty-five per cent of B&B’s new customers are neither hibernators nor natural burrowers.

“We’re surprised by the number of species willing to compromise on housing,” he says. “But burrows can be built in an eighth of the time that above-ground sheltered housing takes, and they last for years and can easily be enlarged. It’s a smart choice and more and more Animals are seeing that,” he says.

Resales are also up, according to Subterranean Sales and Rental.

“Burrows are hot property these days, no question,” a spokesAnimal for the company told The Mammalian Daily. “And we see no sign of a slowdown in sales.”

OTD in 2012—Retired Archon wades into sea of controversy with speech

By

Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, waded into a sea of controversy on Friday afternoon when he addressed the 2012 graduating class at the University of West Terrier.

Often described as a “soft-spoken” Animal, Seahorse, who held the position of Archon in 2008, has not been heard from very much since he left office in January, 2009. In April of this year, however, he was selected by the Governors of the University to deliver the 101st commencement address on June 1.

Seahorse’s speech, delivered from the podium at the Hippo Campus of the University, began traditionally enough, with the former Archon emphasizing the importance of education in Animals’ lives and praising the perseverance of the graduates and their families. Then, suddenly, the speech took a political turn and Seahorse began to speak negatively in reference to “The Promise of The Park.”

“The Promise of The Park is a sham. I’m afraid you’ve been had,” he declared, as many in the audience gasped. A few — likely proponents of a different political system — could be seen wagging their tails in agreement.

As he continued in the same vein, the audience became agitated until, at last, Seahorse returned to the more neutral topic of the value of education.

With the speech brought to conclusion, Seahorse exited to mild applause. After the ceremony, graduates and their families admitted to a certain degree of puzzlement.

“I think he had some good points [to make]; I’m just not sure this was the appropriate occasion for bringing them up,” said one graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism.

Indeed, although many appeared to believe that another venue would have been more suitable for the former Archon to express his opinions, an informal survey showed that many of the graduates “mildly agreed” with many of Seahorse’s statements.

Still, many more took issue with the expressed criticisms and there have been calls for public censure of the former Archon. As of this morning, however, the President and the Governors of the University of West Terrier have refused to comment on the incident.

OTD in 2018—June will be bustin’ out all over!

By

1-30 June – Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM)
Now in its sixth year, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month kicks off June 1. The full schedule will be released then and will include many new events, including Noreen’s “Just Say No To Obedience” campaign and the two-day forum, “Focus on Large Animal Domestication,” at the University of West Terrier. Watch this space and follow us on Twitter for EDAM-related news throughout June.


1 June – University of West Terrier Commencement Day
The day has finally come for the 2018 graduating class at the University of West Terrier. In addition to receiving their degrees, the class will have the chance to hear former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros give the commencement day address. It’s an exciting time for all involved and we wish a lifetime of happiness and success to all graduates.

1 June – Kynikos Press releases “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, and Goodnight,” by Thisbe and the Barkettes
This long-awaited memoir by Thisbe and the Barkettes is sure to set tongues wagging. The most successful musical group The Park has ever known spills the beans on everything they’ve seen, heard,
and experienced over their long career. Sure to be a bestseller and a must-read for all fans of the Barkettes.

 

 

1 June – The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) To correspond with Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), the PMoCA unveils its 2018 art installation, “A Picture Hides a Thousand Words,” on June 1. In announcing the installation, head curator Aamuun Maroodiga said, “This interactive installation will highlight the power of the ‘selfie,’ by pairing mirrors with cameras to remind us of the importance not only of the picture we domesticated Animals take of ourselves, but of the picture we and others ultimately see.”

3 June – Thisbe and the Barkettes: Reading and Meet and Greet
Proprietor Wyuna Winkle welcomes The Park’s most successful musical group to her bookshop to read from their new memoir and greet their loyal fans.
Reading: 12:00-12:45
Meet and greet: 1:00-3:30
Pawprinting and refreshments: 3:30-5:00

15 June – Chitter Radio Literary Awards
Considered the most prestigious literary awards in The Park, the Chitter Radio Literary Awards has recognized Park writers ranging from former Archon Nicholas Gander to comedian Woodruff Dalmatio to Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen. The year, the CRLA has once again expanded its entry categories to include spoken word.

“We need to continue to broaden our horizons and reward those artists whose work may not fit easily into previously-established categories,” says CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán.

16-18 – June Feline Fiction Fest
The oldest fiction festival in The Park, the Feline Fiction Fest honours the creative output of our Feline residents in a range of categories that rivals all other fiction festivals. This year, the Fest will highlight the work of Big Cats at its newly-built Mane Stage. Stay tuned for other special events, as they are announced.

 

 

 

28 June – Last Day for Pre-Estivation Deposits
30 June – Central Bank of The Park closed for mid-year tally
Don’t forget: the last day to make pre-estivation deposits at any financial institution in The Park is 28 June.

 

 

29 June – Official Start of Estivation
This is the day we say “au revoir” to The Park’s estivating community. We’ll miss you terribly, but we look forward to seeing you again, in September.

OTD in 2016—Enforced Domestication Awareness Month 2016: Official Schedule of Events

By

June 2016 calendar with black cat silhouette

The Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations have released the official schedule for 2016’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

To access the Official Schedule, click here: EDAM OFFICIAL SCHEDULE 2016.

The schedule was released early this morning, accompanied by a press release in which all three groups emphasized the importance of the month. thanked all organizers and participants for their “tireless efforts on behalf of The Park’s citizenry”and wished all Park residents “joy, peace, and awareness.”

“The importance of this month cannot be understated. The knowledge that is imparted during EDAM can and will save thousands of lives and will allow those who have escaped enforced domestication to understand themselves and the world better and to lead peaceful and fulfilling lives,” the statement said.

OTD in 2013—Groundhog finally POPS up at Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

By

2013 POPS Bastiaan Groundhog made his first public appearance at the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee. The POPS has been in seclusion since the Groundhog Day debacle began.

2013 POPS Bastiaan Groundhog made his first public appearance at the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee last Monday. The Groundhog had been in seclusion after receiving threats against his life when the prediction he made proved wrong.

Some may see the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee as the beginning of The Park’s busy social season, but there is one Groundhog who viewed this year’s event as more of an ending, and a happy one at that.

Bastiaan Groundhog, 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) chose last Monday’s occasion to end his time in seclusion and make the first public appearance of his post-POPS life. Since he made his prediction on February 2, (which proved to be inaccurate), he had not been seen; threats against his life made it necessary for him to remain in hiding until it was deemed safe for him to emerge. Luckily for him, The Park Weather Office owned up to their own mistakes regarding weather transportation in time for him to attend the Jubilee.

“I love the Jubilee. It’s one of my favourite celebrations, so I decided to make it a pop-up event,” he joked on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Asked directly about his reaction to the death threats, the Groundhog said he knew that Park Police took it very seriously (as of now, they have made twelve arrests in the ongoing investigation) but he thought it was just frustrated Animals blowing off some steam.

“I called it my praedictio ad absurdum,” he joked. “I thought the threats were ridiculous. I couldn’t believe it was worth killing me over a few extra weeks of snow.”

As for his future plans, Bastiaan Groundhog says that while he is behind in his life, he is up to speed on Park gossip.

“I kept my ear to the ground the whole time I was in seclusion…and I had some dedicated informers who helped keep me current. And that’s the most important thing.”

OTD in 2012—Jubilee cleanup most expensive in Park history

By

The cleanup bill for last week’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee has arrived and it is substantial.

The cost of straightening up The Park after this year’s event, which was the largest in its history, will “just about empty The Park’s coffers,” says Finance Officer, Milton Struts.

“Even the [celebration of the] establishment of zoocracy and calendar harmonization didn’t cost this much,” he says.

Organizers of the event say that its size and the numbers it attracts account for the hefty bill.

“The Park is growing in population and this year’s weather was extraordinary. Those two factors, alone, could account for the numbers we saw at the event,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Adding to the financial woes is the fact that some Finance Officers say the massive bill should come out of the groundskeeping account rather than the money that is allocated yearly for special events and celebrations.

“We are divided on this,” said Milton Struts in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“The Special Event account is over-budget already, and we’re not even halfway through the year. Groundskeeping, on the other hand, has a small surplus, due to this year’s extremely mild Winter. It makes sense, I think, to pull the funds from there. I’m thinking ahead to next year and we don’t want to have to say that we’re cutting back on special events. That won’t go down well with Park Animals,” he warned.

OTD in 2017—Hayberry drops diva demeanour, plans pre-gala meet and greet with fans

By

MillicentHayberry Renowned actress Millicent Hayberry will not be leaving the building early. In fact, she’ll be there well ahead of schedule.

In an open letter that was published media-wide today, the actress issued an invitation to her loyal fans to attend a meet and greet event with her at The Burrow Theatre on Friday, June 2—one day before the gala opening of her new play, Aracari.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, is not only the star of the second play of Gianfranco Colocolo’s three-part mystery series, but she is also its director.

Tickets for the gala opening were quickly snapped up after going on sale Monday and, according to Hayberry, she wanted to respond to the disappointment of many of her fans. After The Burrow Theatre gave its permission, she decided to host a pre-gala event to thank her “beloved fans” for their continuing loyalty.

It is a bold and somewhat dangerous move, and one that few actors would make.

“Had I been her director this time around, I would have forbidden it,” says Jean-Luc Briard, who directed Hayberry last year in Godwit, the first of the Colocolo mystery series.

“It’s too risky,” he said. “Too many things can go wrong. Actors need to keep themselves focused on the play and avoid all distractions.”

Nevertheless, Hayberry says she’ll be greeting fans at The Burrow Theatre from ten o’clock in the morning until “the last of my fans returns home.” No tickets are required, but be prepared for a long lineup.

OTD in 2016—Month Without Metaphor organizer: “We’re losing ground, minute by minute.”

By

MonthWMThe chief organizer of the third annual Month Without Metaphor says we’re losing ground in the fight against the unncessary embellishment of the news.

“Plain speaking is disappearing and not bit by bit, but minute by minute,” says Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the initiative’s founders.

In an interview with The Mammalian Daily, Tinamou quoted statistics that he says indicate the market for what he calls “the plain, unembellished truth” has diminished substantially over the past five years.

“Journalism has given way to storytelling and it’s a slippery slope from there,” he opined. “We’re no longer reporting on an event or situation; we’re taking readers on a journey for their entertainment rather adding to their knowledge or understanding,” he said.

Tinamou contends that the problem started innocently enough, when journalists were told to broaden their reports from “just the facts” to historical, sociological, and psychological context.

“It started with context and the idea that those who work in the media could bring readers and listeners a better understanding of what was going on in The Park and in the world outside The Park,” he said. “But, somehow, that devolved into embellishment and fictionalizing,”

Tinamou said metaphors are just one aspect of the problem, but they were something that he felt could be easily targeted.

“I thought we’d start with reducing metaphors and move on from there. But we seem to be stuck in this style of writing. I don’t think new journalists know any other way,” he said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031