The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Barkettes to honour Tartan Crab with free concert at Memorial Pond

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Tartan Crab Memorial PondThisbe and the Barkettes will honour the Tartan Crab this Spring by holding a free concert at the memorial pond that bears his name.

In a statement released this morning, the group’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the group made a specific request that a free concert be held at the Pond to honour the victim of The Park’s most famous unsolved murder.

The Tartan Crab, who was Nestor’s pet, was brutally murdered eleven years ago and his body was found on the walkway in front of the Reek-o-Rama. Although several Animals, the majority of whom were Canines, were brought in for questioning, Police still have no idea who the perpetrator of the crime was.

Nestor, whom some regard as The Park’s greatest poet. never spoke of the murder and declined to be interviewed over the course of his life.

A date has not yet been set for the concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

See also:
Tartan Crab found ripped to pieces; Domestic Dogs held for questioning
New evidence emerges in Crab murder investigation

OTD in 2017—Tavros scores interview coup with zoocracy founder’s biographer

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3d-tabby-king-1Yannis Tavros has scored a major media coup by booking an exclusive, pre-publication interview with the author of a new biography of The Park’s first leader.

Yoshita Tigru will join Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show on Friday, February 10, to discuss her book, George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert: The Tabby King. Four days later, The Park will celebrate the anniversary of Jor’s birth.

In the new biography, which is bound to spark controversy when it hits the shelves on February 15, Tigru claims that The Park’s revered first leader considered establishing a form of monarchy before he fixed on the idea of  zoocracy, or complete Animal self-rule.

Tigru, who was allowed full access to all the extant papers of George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert (Jor), including the entirety of his sister’s diary, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, cites his sister as a “major force” behind both his political aspirations and his political decisions.

“There is no doubt that her rôle went far beyond that of a sounding board or even an advisor,” Tigru has said in the past.

This view aligns with that of another of Jor’s biographers, Daphne D.S. Katze, whose 2014 book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, claims that it was Jor’s sister who turned his attention away from “simple Feline pleasures” to the idea of promoting harmony among the species in The Park.

Katze, who had only limited access to Zoë’s historical tome, has said recently that she was envious of Tigru’s unfettered access, but would “absolutely” trust her interpretation of what she read.

Free tickets to Tigru’s February 26 book launch are available at The Literary Apothecary. The launch will begin with a short reading at two o’clock, followed by a Q&A session and paw printing.

OTD in 2017—Design of 2017 prognostication pad sparks criticism, spawns new memes

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2017-prognostication-PADThe design of the 2017 prognostication pad hasn’t just sparked intense criticism from attendees and design experts; it’s also spawned several new Park memes.

The confusing design, coupled with the grave illness suffered by 2017 POPS Ditmar Bismarmot, has spawned  a set of memes that appear to blame the pad and its designer, the architectural firm Fleck + Stone, for Bosmarmot’s illness.

The Park Official Prognosticator of Spring was found to be suffering from Premature Awakening (PA) from hibernation and was rushed to hospital just minutes after predicting an early Spring on Groundhog Day.

Despite these indisputable medical facts, the memes have taken off in a variety of forms, including one that shows an image of Bosmarmot sprawled across the top of the pad with the the warning: “Don’t get stoned by Fleck.” Another with a similar image says, “Ditmarred Again.” Yet another portrays the firm’s chef architect, Vadim Kobras, climbing up the pad, leaving a number of dead Groundhogs behind him on the steps.

For their part, the Archons have been swift to react to the memes, preferring to deal with them in a factual way. This morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, read a prepared statement from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu in which she wished Bosmarmot a speedy recovery. The statement went on to use the memes to address the issue of Premature Awakening and to direct Park Animals to information on the subject.

Thus far, neither the firm of Fleck + Stone nor its chief architect has publicly reacted to the criticism of the prognostication pad.

OTD in 2016—Groundhog Day recap: great weather, massive turnout, POPS sees shadow

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Six more weeksIt was a great celebration. We made history, and then some. Here are a few tidbits to recap the day:

– First things first: Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) saw her shadow and predicted six more weeks of Winter

– According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, who described the turnout as “massive,” this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence

– Chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. was back at the celebrations, after sitting out last year due to the effects of premature awakening

– The Park’s food providers staffed the stations with innovative fare over the longest number of hours ever

– This was only the second Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat. This year’s dance was titled “Plea for Peas”

– For the first time in the history of any event, one of The Park’s peacekeeping units, the Does of Peace, performed a short dramatic piece

– The Archons’ Address lasted 21 minutes—the longest in history— and included a plea for interspecial harmony and thanks to the new PFO head, Valentina Abeja

– The 2016 Archons listed and promised to tackle “head-on” the issues that are dividing The Park: interspecial tensions, economic unrest, inequality among the species, violence, loss of faith in Animal self-rule

– The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3

– Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebrations. Seven Animals were taken to hospital, including one Bird who flew into the middle of the Herman Stoat Dance Company performance, and fourteen were treated on-site

OTD in 2015—Early Risers to host after-party following official Groundhog Day celebrations

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Early Rise fireworksFor the first time in history, The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations will not end with the 2-kilometre tunnel race or the closing of the food stations.

The Park’s Early Risers — hibernators who choose to end their hibernation on Groundhog Day rather than on the official date of February 19 — will be hosting an after-party on Monday.

In the announcement-invitation issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for the group said the party will start at 20:30, a half-hour after the official celebrations end.

“All are invited and all are welcome. We’re going to make some noise and celebrate the beginning of another year!” the announcement said.

According to the Department of Statistics and Records, Early Risers constitute approximately eight percent of The Park’s hibernating community.

OTD in 2015—Noreen to join TMD commentating crew at Groundhog Day celebrations

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Official NoreenNoreen will be joining The Mammalian Daily’s commentating crew as they tweet live from The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who will resume her duties at the newspaper in mid-February, says she is “thrilled” to have the opportunity to connect with celebrants at the event as well as with those at home.

“Groundhog Day is one of the most important days on The Park’s calendar. I feel privileged to have been asked to communicate the wonder of it all through social media,” she said in a statement released today.

The columnist, who is also adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, has been on leave since November. She has been promoting her book, Lovely To Look At, outside The Park and said in a radio interview last week that she intends to write about her experiences as soon as she gets back to work.

Follow the Groundhog Day celebrations on Twitter!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover Order Noreen’s book here!

OTD in 2015—Nesthetics designer dishes on “shadow boxing” and “Groundhog Day nerves”

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Pencils“Shadow boxing” is not a term you would expect to hear from the head designer of one of The Park’s most innovative construction companies. Nevertheless, while pecking away at a sketch, Romulus Bowerbird insists on explaining the concept to me as it applies to the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad: “You have to make sure you don’t contain the shadow … box it in,” he says. “That can lead to an inaccurate prognostication which, as we have seen in the past, can cause ongoing problems. You have to let the shadow spread … the most important thing is to make sure that you allow it enough room to expand.”

As Bowerbird lays down his pencil, one can’t help but ponder the term’s other meaning: that of fighting against an invisible opponent. In this case, the opponent is Simply Structures, the firm that designed and constructed The Park’s prognostication pad for over a decade.

At first, Bowerbird demurs when asked the question.

“I do realize that we will be judged not only on our own product, but by comparison with the products of previous years,” he says matter-of-factly.

Then, as he lets his guard down, you can see the source of the “Groundhog Day nerves” he mentions often during the interview.

“I believe we won the contract on merit. I also believe it was time to inject some new blood into the celebrations. I hope our work will be appreciated and that, in the end, we will have contributed something valuable and memorable to what is undeniably one of the most important events in The Park,” he says.

But Bowerbird admits that the past decade is a tough act to follow.

“The experience alone is invaluable,” he says in an admiring tone. “Seeing what works and what doesn’t, in a practical way. Years of going back to the drawing board, years of attempting to outdo yourself … the value of that can’t be underestimated, both in knowledge and creativity.”

Still, Bowerbird was the first at his company to suggest that they bid for the job.

“As I said, new blood. And we have a different sensibility here. Less down to earth … more ethereal. And we’ve chosen a mix of bright, celebratory colours. We tried very hard to maintain the sense of the occasion while injecting a sense of occasion, if you know what I mean. A nod to tradition, and then a pop of surprise,” he says, with a wink.

And those Groundhog Day nerves?

“I haven’t slept for the past month, but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end.”

OTD in 2012—GooseBook opens to all species

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In a move that has has caught many in the tech and media sectors by surprise, The Park’s most successful social media site, GooseBook, has unveiled its ambitious plans for expansion.

In a statement released today, the company confirmed its plans to open site membership to all species in The Park.

“The popularity and success of GooseBook has proven that it has great potential for growth across the broad spectrum of species that inhabit The Park,” said GooseBook’s President and C.E.O., Lester C. Gander.

In addition, GooseBook’s executives confirmed that they plan to roll out a pair of related social media sites, most likely in the second quarter of the year. The company has not released any information about the new sites other than their names: “Cackle” and “Peck.”

According to insiders, one of the sites will be a “communication” site and the other may be an internet search engine.

GooseBook was the brainchild of the late Cesar Emilio Gander, who founded the site while a student at the University of West Terrier. After his untimely death, the site experienced a surge in membership. That surge continued until last summer, when rival site Gewper opened its virtual doors. Since then, both sites have competed neck and neck for members, with GooseBook maintaining a slight lead over the more innovative Gewper.

 

OTD in 2014—UWT defends new course in Human studies

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UWT Coat of ArmsMembers of the Department of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier are scrambling to defend a new course offering that has garnered a lot of social media attention in the past few days.

The course, “Living in the Human World,” was developed by Mammalian Daily advice columnist Noreen, who is also an adjunct professor in the department. The course was intended, she says, to enlighten Park Animals on the day-to-day aspects of life in the Human world.

But many believe the object of the course is to teach Animals how to live with Humans.

“What they’re doing, in a covert way, is trying to groom us for lives as pets outside The Park,” said one popular post on GooseBook.

The University strongly denies that.

“We were honoured to have Noreen join our faculty and we wanted to make use of her expertise. After all these years of observing the Human world, it would be a waste of her talents not to allow her to share her knowledge,” said Bibiano Montanaro, spokesAnimal for the UWT president.

Many on The Park’s social media sites, however, are suspicious of that explanation.

“Maybe if paired with a history course or something like that, then maybe,” said one post. Yet another summed up the feelings of many Park Animals: “If it offers a critical view of Human society, then okay. Otherwise, it’s hard to see it as anything but recruitment of us as pets.”

OTD in 2013—Archons plan to halt economic growth: think tank report

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The report of a Park think tank says the 2013 Archons plan to adopt policies that will halt the growth of The Park’s economy.

According to the Council of Independent Economic Advisors (CIEA), an independent think tank that is headquartered in The Park, the Archons, who have been in office only ten days, plan to reduce The Park’s economic expansion by discouraging the business community from increasing its footprint.

“Due to the political and economic philosophies of the overwhelming majority of the 2013 Archons, The Park’s economy will see little or no growth in the coming year, as businesses will be discouraged from expanding and extra-hortulanial trade (trade that occurs outside The Park) will be curtailed,” the report concludes.

Those who have read the report, which has not been released formally, say the CIEA is “overreaching” and has drawn conclusions based solely on the attitudes and opinions expressed by certain Archons before they were appointed on January 16, 2013.

“It is not clear from the report whether they [think tank members] are talking about intent or result,” said Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier during a panel discussion on Mammalian Daily Radio.

“Do they believe the Archons’ actions, driven by opinions they expressed in the  past, will lead to economic stagnation or do they believe that the Archons will, due to their opinions and beliefs, attempt to create that stagnation by purposely curtailing economic activity? I can’t say, for sure, nor can I say how accurate a forecast it [the report[ might be. But I do believe the Archons are wiser than the CIEA gives them credit for. Still, we won’t know until Groundhog Day (the day of the Archons’ first address to the citizens of The Park) what direction the Archons plan to take us in, economically or otherwise. Until then, everything is just speculation,” she said.

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