Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Herman Stoat will speak at this year’s annual Open House.
According to a post on the university’s web site, the renowned dancer, choreographer, and UWT alumnus will talk about his UWT experience and the rôle of higher education in the arts.
The full announcement appears on the University’s web site.
Newly-selected Chief Archon, Klarissa Kuttu, is reportedly “very involved” in the planning of this year’s Groundhog Day celebration.
According to a post on the gossip web site, headsNtales, the Chief Archon, who was sworn in on January 16, called a meeting the same afternoon to discuss plans for the upcoming event.
The post, which was dated January 22, quotes an unnamed source “close to the Archons” as saying it was “more of a summoning than a meeting.”
According to the source, those present included all 34 new Archons, staff from the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the event’s chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., Fleck + Stone’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, historian Clark Cascanueces and University of West Terrier history professor Beatrice Zilonis, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), and representatives of the Park Police and the Does of Peace.
To date, very few new Chief Archons have been involved in Groundhog Day planning. George Frederick Grouse, who served as Chief Archon in 2008, said he was surprised when he read the post.
“The plans and budget are usually in place before the new Archons are selected,” he said. “There is very little time to get involved with the event and I don’t know why she [Kuttu] would want to. I’d think she’d be involved in writing her address and setting out the Archons’ plans for the year,” he said.
The Mammalian Daily has reached out to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations for comment, but thus far she has not responded.
As the protest grows outside The Mammalian Daily offices, Managing Editor Orphea Haas has called an emergency meeting this afternoon of all editorial staff.
A spokesAnimal for the paper confirmed that Haas personally contacted editorial staff as well as the photographer who shot the picture that started the protest.
“She is taking this very seriously,” the spokesAnimal said. “We pride ourselves on dealing with all stories with respect and fairness and our publishing record is proof of that. We want to understand fully why this protest has erupted.”
The protest, which enters its seventh day today, began after the paper published a photograph of Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Espen Rotte. The photograph was taken as Rotte returned after shopping at a bakery outside The Park. Rotte had bought two pies, but complained that he had been “assaulted” while visiting the bakery. The photograph showed Rotte with his pies but, to some, it appeared that Rotte had in fact stolen the pies. The complainants outside the newspaper offices have said that the way the photographer caught Rotte’s face makes him look “sly” or “as if he got away with something.”
Dedrick Knaagdier of the aid group Rodents at Risk says the photo “redirected the story entirely.”
“This wasn’t about Rotte or pies. It was about stereotyping and prejudice and its abusive consequences. Instead of going after those who allegedly assaulted Rotte, the paper went after Rotte himself. And that is why we must stay here until we have an answer as to why they chose to do that.”
While staff will be meeting inside, Rotte is expected to make an appearance at the protest at 1:00 p.m. Park Police say they are “prepared for whatever happens.”
C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), will replace Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink as speaker at the 2016 University of West Terrier Open House on January 29, it was announced today.
Mink bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was sworn in as 2016 Chief Archon, explaining that he felt his focus should be on governing at this time.
In a brief statement that appeared on the university’s web site, the UWT President and Governors thanked Ant for accepting the invitation “on such short notice.”
The ASIS head, who is perhaps best known for her leadership of the brilliant team that prevented the destruction of an entire Ant colony, will be speaking about the rôle that higher education plays in investigative police work and in the maintenance of interspecial harmony in general.
The university’s full announcement about the Open House appears on its web site.
Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. may not be well enough to attend this year’s Groundhog Day ceremonies, according to a recent post on the gossip web site headsNtales.
The site quotes a friend of Whistlepig, who claims the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations has not been well since last year’s shadow controversy occurred.
“He was forced to stay awake in order to deal with the whole mess surrounding the prognostication. He meant to return to hibernation, but it dragged on too long. His health has been fragile ever since,” says Elmo Sopuli.
According to Sopuli, Whistlepig had been seeing Dr. Bourru on a regular basis for thermal therapy until he went into hibernation in November. Sopuli says that Dr. Bourru did not think it wise for Whistlepig to be awakened for the ceremonies this year.
“Wyatt shivered through most of the year and experienced a good deal of confusion in the Spring. I wouldn’t want to see him go through that again,” Sopuli says.
Despite his troubles, Whistlepig managed to organize what Sopuli and others are predicting will be the “greatest Groundhog Day celebration ever.”
According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s event will be the most jam-packed one yet, with more floats, more music, more food, and even a new dance choreographed by Herman Stoat.
“We’re going to make history this year,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department.
Pop-up betting booths aimed at encouraging Park Animals and Humans to cash in on the Groundhog Day prognostication of 2017 POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot have been shut down, Park Police announced today.
At a press conference this morning, Gareth Shepherd, Park Police Inspector and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), announced that his unit shut down fourteen such pop-ups scattered across The Park.
As yet, however, Park Police have not determined the identity of the owner or owners of the establishments.
“We are working with other units, including our Select Undercover Brigade (SUB), to determine the identity of the individual or individuals who set up these betting booths,” he said.
Shepherd described the booths as “hastily constructed huts,” which offered a “sizeable return” in a number of currencies, including Human currencies.
“One of these [booths] was offering a 1-5 bet that that Bosmarmot would see his shadow, while another offered 20-11 odds that he would not,” Shepherd said.
The inspector told the press that the police force was alerted to the existence of the betting booths last week by a “concerned citizen.”
“We take this very seriously, since betting of any sort is illegal in The Park,” Shepherd said. “But this is particularly disturbing, since Groundhog Day is a very important day for us, historically, politically, and emotionally. We see this kind of thing as a threat to our way of life and we do not take it lightly. We will work to rid The Park permanently of such activities,” he said.
Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon swore in the 2016 Archons on Saturday
With a nod to the stability that tradition affords, the swearing-in ceremony of the 2016 Archons was presided over by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court. This was the seventeenth consecutive swearing-in ceremony over which Justice Dindon has presided.
Wearing traditional judicial garb, The Park’s most notorious magistrate asked each of the 35 new Archons to swear to “represent to the best of my ability and without prejudice the citizens and residents of The Park,” and to “preserve the tenets of zoocracy as laid out by Jor, the founder of modern zoocracy and The Park’s first leader.”
As each swore to uphold zoocracy in The Park, a member of the Endeka Elephant Band struck a drum. After the final oath was taken, the Archons were paraded in front of the crowd, which was the largest that this event has attracted.
Afterwards, the Archons, along with Mr. Justice Dindon and a host of other dignitaries, including many former Archons and Chief Archons, retired indoors for a celebratory repast.
As usual, the Archons will give their first address on Groundhog Day.
BREAKING NEWS
A small group of actors and playwrights from The Park’s Burrow Theatre is planning to open a new performance area known as The New Harmony Theatre.
In an official statement released this morning, the group that now calls itself The Rapporties said it wants to dedicate its talent to the pursuit of harmony in The Park.
“We have seen the devastation, both outside and inside The Park, that a lack of harmony can cause. We think The Park has matured now to the point that we as artists should be dedicating ourselves to the pursuit of harmony and this is our contribution,” the statement reads.
Alejandro Topo, a spokesAnimal for The Rapporties, told Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros this morning that the site of the new theatre will be a small parcel of land near the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.
“We thought it was fitting, in light of what happened to the Tartan Crab, that we should honour him by attempting to achieve harmony where he rests,” Topo said.
The New Harmony Theatre will open in the late Spring.
CHIEF ARCHON RAYMOND MINK: THE EXIT INTERVIEW
In his only exit interview, The Park’s 2016 Chief Archon, Raymond Mink, whose term ended today, told The Mammalian Daily that he believes that, to some extent, disharmony among the species is a sign of zoocracy’s success, but that anger and isolationism are not a solution. An excerpt of this interview was published on December 29, 2016.
We sat down with Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink in early December to discuss his views on zoocracy, the direction The Park is going, and other important aspects of governing this vast space and its diverse population.
TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon, for sitting down with us today.
RM: Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be talking to you today.
TMD: One of the most important questions I think Park citizens have is how would you evaluate the success—or failure—of our political system? Do you think zoocracy will thrive in the coming years and, perhaps, even spread to other parks? Or do you see it being dismantled as we speak, with disharmony among the species in evidence every day? And does that disappoint you?
RM: Well! That is truly a multi-part question! Let me, to use your own word, dismantle that question and talk about it because, as you say, this is a very important issue.
First of all, no, I don’t think zoocracy will be “dismantled,” as you put it. We’ve come too far for that to happen. How would Park Animals react to being governed, say, from the outside, or by Humans, or by a self-appointed Queen or King? Not well, I would think. And that wouldn’t last long. It couldn’t. Thirty-five years, yes in some ways it’s a very short time. But it’s also a very long time. For some species, that would be many, many generations. Perhaps ten or more. For others, not so much. But I think it’s safe to say that those who live here have grown accustomed to the idea of self-rule. And many have known nothing else. Zoocracy is here to stay.
About disharmony among the species…I have many thoughts on this subject. Does it disappoint me? I don’t know that disappointment is even relevant. It doesn’t surprise me. Take a look around. We are lucky enough to host thousands of species in this one space and it would be disingenuous to act as if we are not competing for everything. We most certainly are. We compete for space, for food, for sustenance of every sort, for our very survival. If you think about it, is there any reason at all that we should get along? So, no, I’m not surprised that tensions have built, and resentments too.
You—and I emphasize you because you are asking the question—you may be surprised to find out that I see this disharmony as a good thing. I see it as a symptom of zoocracy’s maturation, of its promise, and of The Park’s prosperity. When this all started, we had one common enemy and one common goal. Humans were the enemy, and governing ourselves was the goal. You will discover, as our celebrrtion of thirty-five years of zoocracy continues throughout the year, that actual self-government—Animals governing Animals—was not our founder’s first choice, nor did he believe, at least at first, that it would last. What were the chances? Realistically?
So, you see, it was a grand experiment, but it was one that appealed to all of us. And we realized that we were all in it together, all working toward a common goal. And, as a result, I would say that we pussyfooted around each other most of the time, lest our goal be jeopardized by the interests of any particular species. So for many years, that was the case, and every year we celebrated our collective survival and the survival of our political system—a system that desperately needs to be tweaked and modernized and expanded—but nevertheless, a system that belongs to us.
But, as I said, as we grew within the system and as we relaxed against our common enemy, we began to turn on each other. No longer did we see only Humans as standing in the way of our personal success; we saw each other as doing that, as well. I’m not saying that that is a healthy attitude, but I am saying that it displays the health of our government. That we can look away from it, cease to guard it and with the security of it intact, look to other things…look to ourselves.
TMD: But the anger that has been displayed in the past few years…
RM: Ah, anger. Anger will tell you a lot more about yourself and about others than any other emotion will ever do. You have to understand, anger is the preserve of the powerless. Or those who believe they are powerless. That is where the go to lick their wounds, perceived or real. Those who feel vulnerable, and perhaps disenfranchised, look to others and see that they appear to be in a better position. And this makes them angry because they believe they’ve lost their power.
The anger among the species that has been displayed in the past few years indicates to me that we have stepped away from the collective, that we’ve become more concerned about ourselves and that we’ve retreated to our own species and groups. That is not surprising as I said before. But it isn’t healthy, either. Unless we deal with it head-on, it could undo entirely the peace we’ve forged here in The Park.
Now, mind you, some of this anger is justified. And that is what we should be looking at. Not that any one species has taken another’s anything, but that perhaps some species are more in need. Perhaps because they have come from different climates, different circumstances. In some cases, because their coats seem strange to other species. Whatever the reason, we have to acknowledge our own feelings about each other if we’re going to diffuse the anger. That’s why I’ve been such a supporter of our Stereotype Sundays and, indeed, of all our efforts to foster awareness and understanding of others.
TMD: Do you think Stereotype Sundays have been successful?
RM: I do. They’re not the only answer, of course. It’s a complicated issue, as is the issue of open immigration. But we have to be a park that welcomes others who have suffered. That was the basis of…that was our foundation. That is why we exist. To build a better world for Animals of all, if I may say, stripes. And spots, as well. And, yes, to some extent, as you asked at the beginning, to be a model for other parks. To be able to say, yes it’s difficult, but it works. And, in the end, it is all worth it.
TMD: Is it worth it?
RM: How could it not be? Is there an alternative that you know of that I don’t?
TMD: No. I was just wondering.
RM: It’s an imperfect system. And we live an imperfect life. That is not news.
TMD: Where do you, personally, go from here? What do you see in your future?
RM: I’m cleaning out my office presently, and I’m just a touch lost, but I will find my feet soon enough. I do believe that Archons should be able to serve more than once. I think we’re losing a lot of experience by not allowing that.
TMD: Are you saying that, if you could, you would serve another term?
RM: I’m saying just what I said. That it should be allowed. I certainly wouldn’t go right into another term now. But in a few years, I can see that being an appealing choice, yes.
But, as it stands, the only way to share what I’ve learned and what I’ve observed is to do what all other Chief Archons have done: to write a book. And that I will do, but I prefer to do it with a bit more perspective. So, I wouldn’t go looking for it this year.
TMD: Mr. Chief Archon, it has been a pleasure to talk to you today. We all in The Park wish you well in whatever you choose to do from hereon in. And we want to express our deep gratitude for your work in the service of zoocracy and The Park.
RM: The pleasure has been all mine, both in this interview and in serving as Chief Archon. I’ll see you all at the swearing-in on January 16 and again on Groundhog Day.
The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.
The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.
Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.
The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.
ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)
Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.
