The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—December 20, 2012: Celebration of the Winter Solstice to begin at sunrise

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Winter Solstice Celebrations 2013The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has announced the itinerary and lineup for the 2013 Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

At a press conference today, the Department’s director of public relations, Aintza Kanariar, said she was “thrilled” to announce that this year’s festivities will begin at sunrise on December 21, as they did last year.

“This is only the second time in seven years that the Winter Solstice celebrations have begun at sunrise,” she said. “Based on the success of last year’s Celebration and after reviewing the results of a participant survey, we have concluded that sunrise is the most appropriate time to begin.”

The Celebration will incorporate some of the most successful components of last year’s festivities with some “new and innovative” elements, Kanariar said.

Some of The Park’s most popular music makers will perform, including Eggie and The Pigs, The DomEstyx, The Feral Four, Banded Brothers, SponaneousGeneration, The Beasts of Burden and the Endeka Elephant Band. Rapper Jargonhead has confirmed his appearance, as have The Tweeters. And, despite rumours to the contrary, Rapper Will.o.be., who was recently acquitted of charges involving the abuse of an Oak Tree, said through a representative that he is “very much looking forward to providing some of the entertainment at the Winter Solstice Celebration.”

Once again, The Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work, created for the occasion. This year’s dance, choreographed by Stoat himself, will celebrate The Park’s interspecial life. The dance, entitled, “On the Cusp of a Dream,” will feature some of the company’s newest members, including a number of promising non-Mammalian dancers whom Stoat recently recruited.

Other entertainment acts will include jugglers, clowns, and a Human imitator. And, while students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will paint “three-minute portraits” of Solstice celebrants, the Park Historical Society will offer revellers the opportunity to dress up in a variety of costumes and represent Park historical figures.

As always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. This year, The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café will provide the festive fare, while Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

On This Day—December 19, 2015: Faramund Stinktier signs two-book deal with Prionailurus Press

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Faramund StinktierFaramund Stinktier has signed a lucrative two-book deal with Prionailurus Press.

The Reekabilly star, composer, and the most famous half of the SCENTient Beings duo announced yesterday that he has come to a “very favourable arrangement” with the esteemed Park publisher.

In a separate press release, Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, confirmed the deal.

“Prionailurus Press is pleased to announce that, in keeping with our most recent mandate, we have welcomed Faramund Stinktier to our stable of writers. We look forward to working with him on two books, the first of which will be published in the coming year,” the press release said.

The name of that book, according to the press release, is “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra,” and as its title suggests, it is Stinktier’s memoir.

The singer shocked Park residents when he announced in September that he believed he was always meant to be a Zebra. He made the announcement while a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show. In the few months that have followed, he says, he has experienced “great joy” but also “enormous sorrow” due to his shunning by members of his own and other species.

The publisher’s press release contains no information on the second book, but it is believed to be a book about music.

Prionailurus Press announced last April that it intended to promote the work of The Park’s striped and spotted community and in a brief telephone interview, Yamaneko confirmed that this is the mandate to which she referred in her company’s communiqué.

SCENTient Beings will perform at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

On This Day—December 19, 2013: Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

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headsNtales logoPopular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

On This Day—December 18, 2014: On the comeback trail, Thisbe takes a moment to say “thank you” to her fans

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Thisbe Laulaa coverTMD EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Laulaa® Magazine
Although Thisbe needs no introduction in The Park, she says that this time around, she’s determined “to let my fans in as much as possible so they know who I really am.”

As the founder and lead singer of The Park’s most popular group prepares for a comeback tour, she appears more settled and thoughtful than before.

“I didn’t realize how important my fans were to me,” she says in an exclusive interview in Laulaa® Magazine, due out on December 25.

“And I think they deserve a little more than I’ve given them … not in my singing so much, but in my time and thought.”

The singer has had a lot of time for thought the last few years. Since cancelling the group’s farewell tour in 2007, Thisbe has suffered from a variety of illnesses, the worst of which she says was melancholia.

“When I had to stop performing, I thought I would enjoy it. There were so many things I’d never done … so many of my senses I’d never used. But it didn’t turn out to be that way at all. First, I lost one of my littermates. And even though we weren’t exactly close, that loss hit home. It made me focus on what I really wanted and what I wanted to do. I could see that time was of the essence. But it took me a while before I could use that realization to any advantage. And in the meantime, I kept myself isolated, which was the exact opposite of what I had planned,” she says.

The star credits her fans, who never forgot her, with re-awakening her interest in living.

“I never lost my bark but for a while, I lost my bite,” she laughs.

The full interview with Thisbe will appear in Laulaa® Magazine, The Official Magazine of the Canine Music Association, on December 25, 2014. 

On This Day—December 17, 2013: Grooming house offers “Rapper Special” on claw sharpening

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Amoltrud's Aesthetics

Who says Animals in business have no sense of humour?

Not Amoltrud Poedel. The owner of The Park’s oldest grooming house believes that serious events can have a funny side. And just to prove it, she’s added a seasonal special to the long list of services her salon offers.

“I’m calling it the ‘Rapper Special’ and we’re offering it at half price, this week only,” she laughs. “It’s our full claw sharpening treatment…but we do it extra-carefully, so that all that nasty bark won’t get caught in your claws.”

The reference, of course, is to the trial of Rapper Will.o.be., who was acquitted yesterday after being charged with, among other things, sharpening his claws on a precious Park Oak Tree.

Poedel won’t say whether she harbours doubts about his innocence, but she’s clearly not against taking advantage of the doubts of many other Park citizens.

But, she says, “It’s all in good fun. I’m hoping he’ll come in for a sharpening or, at least, write our next jingle for us. Something snappy, with a bit of a bite and a bark to it, maybe.”

On This Day—December, 16, 2014: SplotchWatch web site a dangerous sign of the times, say Park Police

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SplotchWatchThe web site, called “SplotchWatch,” has been under surveillance “for a few months now,” according to Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU).

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” he says. “It’s a dangerous sign of the times.”

The owner and operator of the site, whose name police will not reveal at this time, believes it is in the interest of “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

“The owner of the site seems to believe that there is something intrinsically dishonest about that [stripe or spot removal] and his mission is to ensure that all Park Animals are made aware of this form of deception,” Addax says.

Police will continue to watch activity on the site and assess the effect it may or may not be having on Park life.

“If we see that the site is inducing hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals, we will move in swiftly,” he says.

Otherwise, the operator of the web site is acting within his rights.

“He [the site’s owner] is walking a fine line here,” says Addax. “And we hope he realizes it.”

On This Day—December 13, 2011: Park issues seasonal safety alert

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In its continuing effort to protect Park residents, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued a seasonal advisory, warning Animals to beware of Humans who appear to be seeking “animal companionship.”

The advisory, which was issued on December 12, warns Park Animals against associating with Humans who display overly-friendly behaviour toward them or who take an “interest in their life circumstances that goes beyond normal friendship.”

“We are advising Park Animals to be on the lookout for suspicious behaviour on the part of Humans,” said DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo, in an interview yesterday.

“The sentimentality of the season,” said Kakapo, “makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans.”

Kakapo emphasized that Park Animals should beware of Humans who try to entice them with food, or who make cooing noises at them or call them by names such as “cutie” and “sweetie.” Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

On This Day—December 11, 2013: Park’s retail, construction sectors expected to post strong gains after extended pre-hibernation period

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GoUnderground

The Park’s retail and construction services sectors are set to show strong gains in the fourth quarter, according to Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners.

“It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good,” he says. “And for these sectors, the extension of the pre-hibernation period was truly a gift.”

That extension, which was itself a result of the POPS election debacle, enabled Animals who otherwise would have been in a state of torpor to continue to spend on their hibernation preparations.

“There was a flurry of activity, at just about the time that we would have been putting away our hibernation gear,” says GoUnderground’s director of sales Nafari Bongo.

The Park’s largest hibernation outfitter is not alone. Throughout the retail sector, sales were unusually high.

“Our members were kept busy, that’s for sure,” says a spokesAnimal for the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). She was speaking on behalf of founder and current president Wellington Whistlepig, who went into hibernation on December 1.

The construction services sector also saw unusual gains for the season, says Dingo.

“Many Animals took the opportunity to renovate their hibernating quarters and some even built brand new ones,” he says.

Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond confirms this. His construction company is The Park’s only business that specializes in hibernation facilities.

“Quite frankly, we were overwhelmed by last-minute orders,” he admits. “There was a day when we thought we might not be able to fulfil all the new orders. But we did.”

Businesses that serve Animals at pre-hibernation time were not the only ones to see gains, though. Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer and caterer that provides post-hibernation sustenance to many, saw its orders triple at the end of November.

“I think many Animals anticipated needing a little something extra…a little pick-me-up to get them going after hibernation, since they won’t be under for as long this year,” says the shop’s owner Beatrice T. Orang.

On This Day—December 10, 2014: Inktvis and Krake to join lineup for Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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3-hearts-1-headInktvis and Krake will be joining the lineup of musical performers at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice, their agent confirmed today.

In a short communiqué released this morning, the agent said they were “very much looking forward to performing at this joyful celebration.”

This will be the second time the aquatic duo has performed at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice and the live performance coincides with the re-release of their most successful collection, 3 Hearts, 1 Head.

Other performers who have confirmed their appearance this year are The Feral Four, Eggie and the Pigs, SCENTient Beings, and The Beasts of Burden. For the third year in a row, the Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work choreographed for the occasion.

The full itinerary for the event will be released shortly, according to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

On This Day—December 9, 2013: Controversial group reinvents itself as activist organization

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Friends of Hieronymous


The new symbol of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous)

The group, which is also known as LAdeH, rose to fame last Spring when it championed the dignity of Hieronymous Hedgehog after Yannis Tavros insulted him on his radio show. Soon after that, six members of the group were arrested at the annual Return of the Nut ceremony. Those six subsequently charged one Park Police officer with misconduct, which resulted in the suspension of the named officer. The charge was later dismissed and the officer was reinstated, but not before his reputation had suffered severe damage. A countersuit against the group, launched by the officer, is set to go to trial early in the new year.

According to the organization’s leader, however, that sort of behaviour is all in the past.

“We had a few bad members, some who were not committed to our cause and some who had infiltrated our group unbeknownst to us. But we’ve cleaned house since then,” says Terkil Dyr, who took over the organization’s reins at the end of November.

“We are committed to peaceful change,” says Dyr, though he did not specify what type of change the LAdeH is interested in effecting.

“We plan to release our first manifesto next week and we invite all Park Animals to take a look at who we are, what we believe, and what action we want to take,” he says.

“We’re ready to act as a political force.”

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