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Noreen pens heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world”

January 24, 2017 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

noreen-tweetMAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

Noreen has penned a heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world.”

The longtime Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier Adjunct Professor of Human Studies tweeted this morning that she “could not stay silent for long” and that she would post her open letter to the Humans of the world “soon.”

This afternoon, she sat down with our Human Affairs Reporter to discuss the letter and her need to speak out about recent events in the Human world.

In that interview, Noreen explained that she had long been an observer of Humans and their behaviour and that, unlike many other Animals, she had a “soft spot” for the species, despite their sometimes odious behaviour.

“It is a fraught relationship in many ways, and that is largely their fault,” she said. “But I’ve lived with and around Humans my whole life and they’ve been good to me. I’ve never tried to disguise that fact. Humans have very little understanding of themselves and as I watch them lurch toward the abyss, I feel a certain responsibility to save them.”

She said that although her letter was an attempt to do just that, she had no expectations that it would change anything.

“Humans retain a certain stubbornness, even in the face of insight,” she said.

The following is the opening portion of her letter, which she is allowing only The Mammalian Daily to publish:

My dear Humans of the world,

I’m quite sure you have no idea who I am. Even if you did know my name, you would have no familiarity with my work or my beliefs and I understand that. Most of what I say you cannot hear; neither can you read in my language. That is why I am writing this in yours.

I have been an observer of your behaviour for a long time—almost my whole life. From an early age, I realized that many other Animals found your behaviour incomprehensible, but I was determined to decode it,  to understand who you were and what you wanted. My desire to do that was so strong that studying you became my life’s work.

As an advice columnist and a researcher in Human studies, it has been my greatest privilege to have had the opportunity to explain you— your beliefs, your needs, and your desires—to a broad range of other species who have benefitted from my knowledge in countless ways. So it is with great confidence that I approach this task of explaining you to you.

I ask only that you hear me out, that you consider carefully my observations, and that you accept this letter as a gift from me to a species I have long admired, a species for whom I wish only good things, however they may come.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Noreen, Park Life, Whoa! Braking News Tagged With: Humans, letter, Noreen

Chief Archon Kuttu said to be “very involved” in Groundhog Day planning

January 23, 2017 By Renée Simone Canard, TMD Gossip Reporter

Groundhog Day celebrationsNewly-selected Chief Archon, Klarissa Kuttu, is reportedly “very involved” in the planning of this year’s Groundhog Day celebration.

According to a post on the gossip web site, headsNtales, the Chief Archon, who was sworn in on January 16, called a meeting the same afternoon to discuss plans for the upcoming event.

The post, which was dated January 22, quotes an unnamed source “close to the Archons” as saying it was “more of a summoning than a meeting.”

According to the source, those present included all 34 new Archons, staff from the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the event’s chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., Fleck + Stone’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, historian Clark Cascanueces and University of West Terrier history professor Beatrice Zilonis, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), and representatives of the Park Police and the Does of Peace.

To date, very few new Chief Archons have been involved in Groundhog Day planning. George Frederick Grouse, who served as Chief Archon in 2008, said he was surprised when he read the post.

“The plans and budget are usually in place before the new Archons are selected,” he said. “There is very little time to get involved with the event and I don’t know why she [Kuttu] would want to. I’d think she’d be involved in writing her address and setting out the Archons’ plans for the year,” he said.

The Mammalian Daily has reached out to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations for comment, but thus far she has not responded.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Gossip and Rumour, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, Chief Archon's address, planning, Zoocracy 35

PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” installation opens to record crowds

January 21, 2017 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

pmoca-1The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s first exhibition in honour of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary opened to record crowds yesterday.

According to PMoCA officials, “ARCHONOGRAPHY” broke attendance records dating back to the opening of the museum, itself.

“We were stunned,” said Aulikki Norsu, president of the museum’s board of directors, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this afternoon.

“We were there until the wee hours of the morning getting everything ready, and when we left to go home, we saw the lineup to get in had already started.”

That was at three in the morning. By the time Norsu returned to open the installation, the line wound five times around the building. It has stayed that long ever since.

The art installation, which the museum describes as “ultra-live,” honours those who’ve served as Archons over the past thirty-five years. Every day until March 31, Park artists will be on-site twelve hours a day to paint portraits of museum-goers’ chosen Archons. All the portraits painted during the installation will hang in the museum until the end of this year.

Head curator Aamuun Maroodiga chose renowned autochthonous artist Hervé Huard, slow artist Fionn-Fionnoula T. Snail, merging artist Hugh Danlami Biri, and Clementina Araña to open the installation. At the time of publication, the group had completed sixteen portraits of past Archons.


The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” runs from January 20-March 31, 2017. Admission to the event is free. 

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: animal self-rule, artists, portraits of Archons, sortition, Zoocracy 35

All bets are off: Park Police shut down betting on POPS’ prognostication

January 19, 2017 By TMD Crime Reporters

Groundhog Day bettingPop-up betting booths aimed at encouraging Park Animals and Humans to cash in on the Groundhog Day prognostication of 2017 POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot have been shut down, Park Police announced today.

At a press conference this morning, Gareth Shepherd, Park Police Inspector and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), announced that his unit shut down fourteen such pop-ups scattered across The Park.

As yet, however, Park Police have not determined the identity of the owner or owners of the establishments.

“We are working with other units, including our Select Undercover Brigade (SUB), to determine the identity of the individual or individuals who set up these betting booths,” he said.

Shepherd described the booths as “hastily constructed huts,” which offered a “sizeable return” in a number of currencies, including Human currencies.

“One of these [booths] was offering a 1-5 bet that that Bosmarmot would see his shadow, while another offered 20-11 odds that he would not,” Shepherd said.

The inspector told the press that the police force was alerted to the existence of the betting booths last week by a “concerned citizen.”

“We take this very seriously, since betting of any sort is illegal in The Park,” Shepherd said. “But this is particularly disturbing, since Groundhog Day is a very important day for us, historically, politically, and emotionally. We see this kind of thing as a threat to our way of life and we do not take it lightly. We will work to rid The Park permanently of such activities,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, betting, prognostication

Outgoing Chief Archon Raymond Mink: “Anger is the preserve of the powerless.”

January 16, 2017 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

r-minkCHIEF ARCHON RAYMOND MINK: THE EXIT INTERVIEW

In his only exit interview, The Park’s 2016 Chief Archon, Raymond Mink, whose term ended today, told The Mammalian Daily that he believes that, to some extent, disharmony among the species is a sign of  zoocracy’s success, but that anger and isolationism are not a solution. An excerpt of this interview was published on December 29, 2016.


We sat down with Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink in early December to discuss his views on zoocracy, the direction The Park is going, and other important aspects of governing this vast space and its diverse population.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon, for sitting down with us today.

RM: Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be talking to you today.

TMD: One of the most important questions I think Park citizens have is how would you evaluate the success—or failure—of our political system? Do you think zoocracy will thrive in the coming years and, perhaps, even spread to other parks? Or do you see it being dismantled as we speak, with disharmony among the species in evidence every day? And does that disappoint you?

RM: Well! That is truly a multi-part question! Let me, to use your own word, dismantle that question and talk about it because, as you say, this is a very important issue.

First of all, no, I don’t think zoocracy will be “dismantled,” as you put it. We’ve come too far for that to happen. How would Park Animals react to being governed, say, from the outside, or by Humans, or by a self-appointed Queen or King? Not well, I would think. And that wouldn’t last long. It couldn’t. Thirty-five years, yes in some ways it’s a very short time. But it’s also a very long time. For some species, that would be many, many generations. Perhaps ten or more. For others, not so much. But I think it’s safe to say that those who live here have grown accustomed to the idea of self-rule. And many have known nothing else. Zoocracy is here to stay.

About disharmony among the species…I have many thoughts on this subject. Does it disappoint me? I don’t know that disappointment is even relevant. It doesn’t surprise me. Take a look around. We are lucky enough to host thousands of species in this one space and it would be disingenuous to act as if we are not competing for everything. We most certainly are. We compete for space, for food, for sustenance of every sort, for our very survival. If you think about it, is there any reason at all that we should get along? So, no, I’m not surprised that tensions have built, and resentments too.

You—and I emphasize you because you are asking the question—you may be surprised to find out that I see this disharmony as a good thing. I see it as a symptom of zoocracy’s maturation, of its promise, and of The Park’s prosperity. When this all started, we had one common enemy and one common goal. Humans were the enemy, and governing ourselves was the goal. You will discover, as our celebrrtion of thirty-five years of zoocracy continues throughout the year, that actual self-government—Animals governing Animals—was not our founder’s first choice, nor did he believe, at least at first, that it would last. What were the chances? Realistically?

So, you see, it was a grand experiment, but it was one that appealed to all of us. And we realized that we were all in it together, all working toward a common goal. And, as a result, I would say that we pussyfooted around each other most of the time, lest our goal be jeopardized by the interests of any particular species. So for many years, that was the case, and every year we celebrated our collective survival and the survival of our political system—a system that desperately needs to be tweaked and modernized and expanded—but nevertheless, a system that belongs to us.

But, as I said, as we grew within the system and as we relaxed against our common enemy, we began to turn on each other. No longer did we see only Humans as standing in the way of our personal success; we saw each other as doing that, as well. I’m not saying that that is a healthy attitude, but I am saying that it displays the health of our government. That we can look away from it, cease to guard it and with the security of it intact, look to other things…look to ourselves.

TMD: But the anger that has been displayed in the past few years…

RM: Ah, anger. Anger will tell you a lot more about yourself and about others than any other emotion will ever do. You have to understand, anger is the preserve of the powerless. Or those who believe they are powerless. That is where the go to lick their wounds, perceived or real. Those who feel vulnerable, and perhaps disenfranchised, look to others and see that they appear to be in a better position. And this makes them angry because they believe they’ve lost their power.

The anger among the species that has been displayed in the past few years indicates to me that we have stepped away from the collective, that we’ve become more concerned about ourselves and that we’ve retreated to our own species and groups. That is not surprising as I said before. But it isn’t healthy, either. Unless we deal with it head-on, it could undo entirely the peace we’ve forged here in The Park.

Now, mind you, some of this anger is justified. And that is what we should be looking at. Not that any one species has taken another’s anything, but that perhaps some species are more in need. Perhaps because they have come from different climates, different circumstances. In some cases, because their coats seem strange to other species. Whatever the reason, we have to acknowledge our own feelings about each other if we’re going to diffuse the anger. That’s why I’ve been such a supporter of our Stereotype Sundays and, indeed, of all our efforts to foster awareness and understanding of others.

TMD: Do you think Stereotype Sundays have been successful?

RM: I do. They’re not the only answer, of course. It’s a complicated issue, as is the issue of open immigration. But we have to be a park that welcomes others who have suffered. That was the basis of…that was our foundation. That is why we exist. To build a better world for Animals of all, if I may say, stripes. And spots, as well. And, yes, to some extent, as you asked at the beginning, to be a model for other parks. To be able to say, yes it’s difficult, but it works. And, in the end, it is all worth it.

TMD: Is it worth it?

RM: How could it not be? Is there an alternative that you know of that I don’t?

TMD: No. I was just wondering.

RM: It’s an imperfect system. And we live an imperfect life. That is not news.

TMD: Where do you, personally, go from here? What do you see in your future?

RM: I’m cleaning out my office presently, and I’m just a touch lost, but I will find my feet soon enough. I do believe that Archons should be able to serve more than once. I think we’re losing a lot of experience by not allowing that.

TMD: Are you saying that, if you could, you would serve another term?

RM: I’m saying just what I said. That it should be allowed. I certainly wouldn’t go right into another term now. But in a few years, I can see that being an appealing choice, yes.

But, as it stands, the only way to share what I’ve learned and what I’ve observed is to do what all other Chief Archons have done: to write a book. And that I will do, but I prefer to do it with a bit more perspective. So, I wouldn’t go looking for it this year.

TMD: Mr. Chief Archon, it has been a pleasure to talk to you today. We all in The Park wish you well in whatever you choose to do from hereon in. And we want to express our deep gratitude for your work in the service of zoocracy and The Park.

RM: The pleasure has been all mine, both in this interview and in serving as Chief Archon. I’ll see you all at the swearing-in on January 16 and again on Groundhog Day.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Interviews, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Names of 2017 Archons announced

January 15, 2017 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.


ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)

Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.

Filed Under: Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, Whoa! Braking News Tagged With: 2017 Archons, Park government, sortition

Park eateries to host “T-1” celebration tomorrow before Archons announced on Sunday

January 13, 2017 By Bergrún Íkorna, TMD Business Reporter

eat-drink-and-be-merryIt’s an idea whose time has come, say The Park’s restaurateurs. And that time is tomorrow night.

At exactly five o’clock, every one of The Park’s eateries and bars will fling open its doors for one long celebration in anticipation of the announcement of the 2017 Archons.

The Park-wide eating and drinking fest, which they’re calling, “T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry,” is the brainchild of Beatrice Orang, owner of Provisions by Petrounel, and Brantford Gander of The Cackling Goose Tavern.

“Beatrice has been providing before and after meals for hibernators and estivators for years,” Gander explains. “So I asked her what she would want if she found out she was going to serve as Archon for a year. We met over drinks and it kind of went from there.”

It was Gander’s job to rally the other owners, but he says it was effortless: “I called a meeting and I told them the idea. They all sat there wondering why we hadn’t done it before.”

Gander says the rules of the evening are simple: the first drink is free, all appetizers are free, and everything after that is half-price.

“You’re welcome to stay the whole evening or move on to other venues. Sit, stay, or crawl, you’ll have a great time,” he says.

With all The Park’s eateries and bars participating—even the high end establishments—it’s hard to imagine otherwise.


The What Who When and Where:

What: T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry
When: Five o’clock 14 January until food and drink run out (approximately four o’clock 15 January)
Where: All Park eateries and bars
Who: All Park residents are invited to participate by all Park eateries and bars

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: Archon announcement, celebration, Park eateries and bars, Zoocracy 35

Burrowers chase Humans out of Park for photographing hibernators

January 12, 2017 By TMD Crime Reporters

hibernators

These pictures, recovered by Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, are now in Park Police possession

Two Park burrowers are being hailed as heroes today, after police confirmed they ran a group of Humans out of The Park when they found them photographing Animals in hibernation.

At a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, praised Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, whose quick thinking, Addax said, “preserved the privacy and safety of our hibernating community.”

According to Inspector Addax, the two burrowers spotted what they believed were a couple of illegal holes near their own burrows. After further investigation, they found a cache of small video and still cameras, and several sets of Human footprints. Before they had time to call Park Police, the group of Humans returned, and the two burrowers ran them out of The Park. Police are now in possession of the cameras.

The pair, who attended the press conference this morning, say they don’t feel like heroes at all.

Królik, who calls himself “an ordinary burrower,” told reporters the actions of the Humans offended his sense of propriety.

“I wasn’t even thinking about the law when I saw them [the Humans]. I was thinking that our vulnerable citizens needed protection and I was going to make sure they got it.”

For his part, Coelho said he could only imagine what it must feel like to be violated by Humans while you’re in hibernation.

“It’s just not right. I have many friends in the hibernating community and I know their lives are difficult. They don’t need any added stress, or the fear that their every movement will be recorded while they try to survive the Winter,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: burrowers, hibernation, Human violation, Humans, photographs

“Sortition Shakes” on the rise as citizens feel the strain of possible Archonship

January 9, 2017 By Jaakkima Kuikka, TMD Mental Health Reporter

sortition-shakes

No, it’s not a snack. Or even a dance. It’s a real psychological condition that afflicts Park citizens. And it’s on the rise.

According to Park therapists, cases of  “Sortition Shakes” or “Lottery Nerves,” as they are also known, are up substantially this year. And, they say, it’s not surprising.

“I would say it was to be expected,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

“We’ve seen increasing pressure on the Archons, as zoocracy has matured and the expectations of Park government have grown,” she says. “It’s not surprising that a position that was once almost ceremonial but which now carries with it heavy responsibilities, should produce feelings of anxiety, and almost dread, in those who feel they may not be up to the task.”

Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who also serves as a staff member at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic agrees.

“I’m seeing many of my former patients return for help with severe cases of the Sortition Shakes,” she says.

Dr. Gibbon says many are “racked by guilt” that they are not more knowledgeable and they are anxious about their abilities to make decisions that could prove life-altering for Park citizens.

“I also think that this year’s celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy has added even more weight to the position,” she says. “They know all eyes will be on them and they’re worried about doing the right thing if they are selected.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: selection of Archons, sortition, Sortition Shakes, zoocracy

Mark your calendars for these important events this January

January 5, 2017 By Fiona Lupu, TMD Events Reporter

Put this on your calendarJanuary is a busy time in The Park, but this year it will be especially busy as we embark on our year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of the establishment of zoocracy. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winter. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling like it!

January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his eighteenth. This year’s ceremony will be especially meaningful and poignant, given zoocracy’s anniversary and the fact that all previous Archons and Chief Archons (that is, those who are still with us) are scheduled to appear with the new government.

January 20-March 31: PMoCA presents ARCHONOGRAPHY
To honour those who so faithfully have served the process of Animal self-rule, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) will host this “ultra-live” art installation. Park artists will be on-site twelve hours a day to paint portraits of museum-goers’ chosen Archons. All portraits will hang in the museum until the end of 2017. Admission to the event is free. More details will be available on the PMoCA’s web site.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

January 31: Herman Stoat Dance Company at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre: “The Cyclamen in Winter”
As a tribute to our hibernating friends, the Herman Stoat Dance Company will give a special performance of “The Cyclamen in Winter” at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Admission is free.

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, January 2017 events in The Park

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