The Mammalian Daily

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Names of 2017 Archons announced

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zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)

Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.

Park eateries to host “T-1” celebration tomorrow before Archons announced on Sunday

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eat-drink-and-be-merryIt’s an idea whose time has come, say The Park’s restaurateurs. And that time is tomorrow night.

At exactly five o’clock, every one of The Park’s eateries and bars will fling open its doors for one long celebration in anticipation of the announcement of the 2017 Archons.

The Park-wide eating and drinking fest, which they’re calling, “T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry,” is the brainchild of Beatrice Orang, owner of Provisions by Petrounel, and Brantford Gander of The Cackling Goose Tavern.

“Beatrice has been providing before and after meals for hibernators and estivators for years,” Gander explains. “So I asked her what she would want if she found out she was going to serve as Archon for a year. We met over drinks and it kind of went from there.”

It was Gander’s job to rally the other owners, but he says it was effortless: “I called a meeting and I told them the idea. They all sat there wondering why we hadn’t done it before.”

Gander says the rules of the evening are simple: the first drink is free, all appetizers are free, and everything after that is half-price.

“You’re welcome to stay the whole evening or move on to other venues. Sit, stay, or crawl, you’ll have a great time,” he says.

With all The Park’s eateries and bars participating—even the high end establishments—it’s hard to imagine otherwise.

The What Who When and Where:

What: T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry
When: Five o’clock 14 January until food and drink run out (approximately four o’clock 15 January)
Where: All Park eateries and bars
Who: All Park residents are invited to participate by all Park eateries and bars

Burrowers chase Humans out of Park for photographing hibernators

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hibernators

These pictures, recovered by Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, are now in Park Police possession

Two Park burrowers are being hailed as heroes today, after police confirmed they ran a group of Humans out of The Park when they found them photographing Animals in hibernation.

At a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, praised Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, whose quick thinking, Addax said, “preserved the privacy and safety of our hibernating community.”

According to Inspector Addax, the two burrowers spotted what they believed were a couple of illegal holes near their own burrows. After further investigation, they found a cache of small video and still cameras, and several sets of Human footprints. Before they had time to call Park Police, the group of Humans returned, and the two burrowers ran them out of The Park. Police are now in possession of the cameras.

The pair, who attended the press conference this morning, say they don’t feel like heroes at all.

Królik, who calls himself “an ordinary burrower,” told reporters the actions of the Humans offended his sense of propriety.

“I wasn’t even thinking about the law when I saw them [the Humans]. I was thinking that our vulnerable citizens needed protection and I was going to make sure they got it.”

For his part, Coelho said he could only imagine what it must feel like to be violated by Humans while you’re in hibernation.

“It’s just not right. I have many friends in the hibernating community and I know their lives are difficult. They don’t need any added stress, or the fear that their every movement will be recorded while they try to survive the Winter,” he said.

“Sortition Shakes” on the rise as citizens feel the strain of possible Archonship

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sortition-shakes

No, it’s not a snack. Or even a dance. It’s a real psychological condition that afflicts Park citizens. And it’s on the rise.

According to Park therapists, cases of  “Sortition Shakes” or “Lottery Nerves,” as they are also known, are up substantially this year. And, they say, it’s not surprising.

“I would say it was to be expected,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

“We’ve seen increasing pressure on the Archons, as zoocracy has matured and the expectations of Park government have grown,” she says. “It’s not surprising that a position that was once almost ceremonial but which now carries with it heavy responsibilities, should produce feelings of anxiety, and almost dread, in those who feel they may not be up to the task.”

Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who also serves as a staff member at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic agrees.

“I’m seeing many of my former patients return for help with severe cases of the Sortition Shakes,” she says.

Dr. Gibbon says many are “racked by guilt” that they are not more knowledgeable and they are anxious about their abilities to make decisions that could prove life-altering for Park citizens.

“I also think that this year’s celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy has added even more weight to the position,” she says. “They know all eyes will be on them and they’re worried about doing the right thing if they are selected.”

Mark your calendars for these important events this January

By

Put this on your calendarJanuary is a busy time in The Park, but this year it will be especially busy as we embark on our year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of the establishment of zoocracy. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winter. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling like it!

January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his eighteenth. This year’s ceremony will be especially meaningful and poignant, given zoocracy’s anniversary and the fact that all previous Archons and Chief Archons (that is, those who are still with us) are scheduled to appear with the new government.

January 20-March 31: PMoCA presents ARCHONOGRAPHY
To honour those who so faithfully have served the process of Animal self-rule, the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) will host this “ultra-live” art installation. Park artists will be on-site twelve hours a day to paint portraits of museum-goers’ chosen Archons. All portraits will hang in the museum until the end of 2017. Admission to the event is free. More details will be available on the PMoCA’s web site.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

January 31: Herman Stoat Dance Company at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre: “The Cyclamen in Winter”
As a tribute to our hibernating friends, the Herman Stoat Dance Company will give a special performance of “The Cyclamen in Winter” at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Admission is free.

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and goodnight: Barkettes at work on memoir

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halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes are at work on a memoir, according to the gossip web site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo writes that she spoke to a musician “very close to Thisbe” who told her the singers are collaborating on a book that takes a “three hundred and sixty degree view” of their career.

Though Guacamayo did not name her source, many in the music business believe it to be a member of the Poodle duo Belles and Whistles, whom the Barkettes mentored secretly for years.

According to Guacamayo’s source, the project has been in the works for a while, but it didn’t begin as a book.

“The original idea was a television series, but with all their projects, the singers didn’t think they could commit to a filming schedule. They decided to switch to writing a book, because it didn’t require them to be in the same place or to keep a fixed schedule,” Guacamayo writes on the site.

If headsNtales is correct, perhaps we can look forward to reliving some of those halcyon days with the Barkettes.

Tab Tricolore: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

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Tab TricoloreBREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen Chef Tab Tricolore as its 2016 Animal of the Year.

In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour The Park chef because of his “tireless championing” of our feral population and his efforts to bring equality to the striped and spotted.

“Tab Tricolore has never tried to hide his feral roots,” Haas wrote. “Instead, he has done the opposite, by celebrating them and educating the rest of us about the feral life, including its wonderful food.”

Haas also recognized Tricolore’s “fighting instinct,” writing that the chef and restaurateur “has never shied away from controversy, nor feared for his reputation when the cause was just.”

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Chef Tab Tricolore and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2017.

The lives we lost in 2016

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We remember some of the friends and family we lost in 2016:

RIPZuberi Tembo
Endeka Elephant Band bassist and passionate supporter of equality among the species

RIPEmma-Elizabeth Cheetah
Sports enthusiast and avid supporter of The Park’s Interspecial Games

RIPGumpert Mullet
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008

RIPArienne Marcelline Tuna
Faithfully served two terms as Archon in 2010/2011

RIPAbdullah Arthur Camel
Clean water advocate and volunteer at Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds (KYPOOP)

RIPWilbur Gibbon
Education advocate

RIPBreckinridge Gastrostrich
Teaching assistant, University of West Terrier

RIPAbílio Girafa
Volunteer, Extinction Anxiety Clinic

RIPFrançois Tigre
Volunteer at CatsCare

RIPAlicia Abeja 

RIPMikhail Eagle

RIPSamuel Swordfish

RIPGracia Cheetah

RIPThomas Gastrotrich

RIPNausikaa Newt

RIPMariana Mayfly

RIPMagda Albatross 

RIPSusannah Mayfly

RIPDarius Anaconda 

RIPConchita Firefly

RIPFrançoise Adèle Canard

RIPGloria Butterfly; Xanthippe Butterfly; Zoê Butterfly; Frank Norman Beaver; L.L. Barry Hedgehog; Albertino Bee; K.W. Bee; Santiago Jacinto Bee; Zachariah Bee; Bronwyn Bee; Adam Gastrotrich; Dyson Cougar; Irina Whistlepig; Zara Baboon; Irving Kodkod, and many more.

Chief Archon Raymond Mink: “We leave office with so much left to do.”

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r-minkEXCERPT
In his only exit interview, The Park’s Chief Archon, Raymond Mink, whose term ends on January 16, 2017, tells The Mammalian Daily he believes that longer terms for Archons might serve us better. 

We sat down with Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink in early December to discuss his views on zoocracy, the direction The Park is going, and other important aspects of governing this vast space and its diverse population. This is an excerpt from that interview.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon, for sitting down with us today.

RM: Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be talking to you today.

TMD: Let’s get this out of the way first: how would you evaluate your term as Chief Archon?

RM: I knew you would ask me that, and it’s a very difficult question to answer, even though, of course, I’ve thought about it. The reason it’s difficult is not just because, as the the cliché goes, history will make the final judgment. The truth is, it won’t. No matter what we [the Archons] did, whether we were effective or not, whether we believed we were effective or not, our policies will be viewed differently by different citizens at different times over the course of history. So, our decision to, for example, offer more support to immigrant Animals, may be regarded as a good decision, as a prescient decision, or as bad decision or a destructive one. I would posit that it will be regarded, as time marches forward, as all of the above, depending on the circumstances. I hope that answers at least part of your question.

TMD: It does. Thank you. Next question: if you could enact one thing that would make governing The Park better, what would it be?

RM: Enact, as in unilaterally?

TMD: Yes.

RM: I think I would make the Archons’ terms longer. One year is not nearly enough time to settle into the job, to understand what is required at that particular time and then to act on it. I would say we need at least three years. Two would be better, but if it were a unilateral decision, I think I might agree with that new group, Park Citizens for Long Haul Government. They want five years. Four might be better. But, one year isn’t enough. The frustration we feel—and I’ve talked about this to former Archons and Chief Archons—the frustration is enormous. The push to get things accomplished within a one-year period…before you know it, your time is up. It’s very stressful for us. We leave office with so much left to do.

The full interview will be published in early January, 2017.

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