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OTD in 2017—Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

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3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

OTD in 2017—Score one for Rotte: March’s Stereotype Sunday theme will be Rodents

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GunnarScore one for Gunnar Rotte,

The beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter and part-time counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic (currently on leave), has been campaigning for years to get us to focus on the plight of the Rodent population—both inside and outside The Park—and the damage caused by the “traumatic narrative” on which his species is raised.

After a string of attempts to have the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) declare an official “Rodents’ Day,” Rotte has finally succeeded in getting our attention, albeit on a different stage than he’d planned.

Despite that, he says he is seeing it as a win and a first step toward the “enlightenment of other Park species.”

“My campaign—if that’s what you want to call it—has been misrepresented as one that says, ‘Rodents first.’ That’s nonsense. I would more accurately portray it as, “Rodents, too,’ ” he said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Rotte, who says he hopes next Sunday’s event will be only the first of many, told host Cornelio Orsetto that he had “many irons in the fire and many surprises to unleash” in the coming months. He also confirmed rumours that he would be returning to work at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic in May.

“My work there is some of the most important that I’ve ever done,” he said.

OTD in 2010—Archons to move forward on calendar harmonization

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Less than two months into their term, The Park’s 28 AZ Archons are poised to enact legislation that many believe will forever alter life in The Park.

The announcement came in a press release issued today, just minutes after the Archons emerged from meetings that ran into the wee hours of the morning.

According to the press release, the Archons intend to enact legislation “before the end of the middle of Varrah” to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of Animals (including Humans) who live outside The Park.

Critics of the proposed legislation believe that the Archons are bowing to pressure from business groups within The Park, while those in favour of harmonization see it as an essential first step in the creation of “The New Park.”

“Once again, I think, we’re going to see Animals pitted against Animals in the struggle for survival,” said Winston Whistlepig, founder and current president of The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). “But the old ways are working against us, now. This time, there’s no turning back. It’s do or die.”

Whistlepig’s group began lobbying for calendar harmonization in 25 AZ. The idea did not gain real momentum, however, until The Park experienced a full-blown economic crisis in 27 AZ. The effects of that crisis are still being felt throughout The Park and the 28 AZ Archons began their term with a promise to end the hardship that many Animals have experienced for over a year.

The Archons’ ambitious agenda, of which calendar harmonization is the first component, includes immigration reform, support for Park businesses and, possibly, the introduction of taxation.

OTD in 2014—”Squawkability Score” newest tool for tackling inequality in The Park

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Squawkability Score

MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

There are two issues that Buckminster Moose holds dear to his heart: equality for all Animals and a good quality of life in The Park.

During an exclusive interview with The Mammalian Daily conducted over a two-day period, the 2014 Chief Archon spoke emotionally about his desire to see zoocracy in The Park fulfil its promise of equality and security for Animals. And as he spoke, it became apparent that he intends to use his influence to help make that promise a reality.

Enter the “Squawkability Score,” the newest tool in the Archons’ arsenal.

“I saw it in action when I was on holiday outside The Park and I was very impressed by it. When I got back and found out that I’d been chosen Chief Archon, I decided to bring it here. We have the opportunity to tackle these issues head-on now and I am ready to do it and this tool will be of immense value to us,” he said.

The tool essentially measures quality of life or, as the Moose says, “both happiness and unhappiness.” Animals will be asked to rate their quality of life, happiness, prosperity, fulfillment, emotional well-being, etc., on a scale of 0-9. The Department of Well-Being and Safety will use this data to assess the effectiveness of current policies and to develop and implement new policies.

“The tool uses the word ‘squawkability’ because we squawk when we’re happy and proud, but we also squawk when we complain. We want to know both the good and the bad. Anything you want to tell us, we’re happy to listen to,” said the Moose.

Part Two of The Mammalian Daily’s exclusive interview with 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose will appear next week.

Click here to read Part One.

OTD in 2015—Archons enact legislation designating March as annual “Museum Month”

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Park MuseumThe 2015 Archons have enacted legislation designating the month of March each year as “Museum Month” in The Park.

At a press conference held early this morning in front of the soon-to-be-opened Park Museum, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Cuckoo spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“On behalf of my fellow Archons, I proclaim the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park.

In making this proclamation, we are recognizing the importance of documenting and understanding our history and celebrating our triumphs. At the same time, however, we must acknowledge our ongoing struggles. We hope the formal establishment of a Museum Month will facilitate just that and that the month of March will be a time for us each year to take an honest look at ourselves as a Park, to assess our accomplishments, and to rethink our goals as they relate to The Park as a whole and to each other as fellow citizens.

To that end, in conjunction with the Park Finance Office, we have made a change to The Park budget and set aside funds so that all Park museums will be able to welcome guests free of charge throughout the month of March each year. We hope this will help present and future generations to understand the history of The Park and the rôle that they themselves may play in its future.”

The legislation to which the Chief Archon referred goes by the formal name of “The Museum Month Designation Act” (“An Act to designate the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park”). The legislation was signed February 23, 2015 and takes effect on February 26, 2015.

Opening ceremonies at The Park Museum will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Sunday, March 1, 2015.

OTD in 2016—Rapper Will.o.be. under fire for criticism of zoocracy after Return of the Nut

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Rapper Will.o.be.

Rapper Will.o.be: “Animals are not fit for self-rule.”

First, it was Douglas Cheetah. Now, Rapper Will.o.be. is coming under fire for remarks he made at The Park’s emotional Return of the Nut ceremony on Saturday.

Just minutes after 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf returned the Nut to The Park’s hibernating community, swearing the ancient oath that it was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” the singer and composer made some incendiary remarks to a Mammalian Daily Television (TMDTV) reporter.

In a “live at the scene” interview, the beloved musician criticized the Archons’ Groundhog Day address, as well as the Archons themselves, saying that they “embodied everything that is wrong with zoocracy.”

A shocked television audience then found themselves subjected to a barrage of specist comments, as Will.o.be. declared that “Fish do not speak for me,” that “[Chief Archon] Mink does not speak for me,” and that “very few other Animals have any idea what it’s like to be Feline.”

The composer and singer then went on a rampage against Animal self-rule, declaring that most Animals are not able to run their own lives, let alone the lives of millions of other Animals of all species.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in the Human world and I know that it doesn’t work there, either,” he said.

Minutes after the broadcast, Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS), TMDTV’s parent company, issued an apology for the rapper’s remarks, saying they did not reflect in any way the views of MDANS or its employees.

OTD in 2013—Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters

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Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros is “Bullish” on The Park and only wants the best for his adopted home, says a group of his supporters who have set up camp in front of the radio station.

“I think everybody’s got it all wrong about Yannis,” says Gottfried Stier. Stier has been marching up and down in front of Toro Talk Radio’s door since Tuesday, when the radio station relieved the controversial talk show host of his duties for an indefinite period of time.

Stier points to the photo on the sign he’s been carrying, then asks in a genuinely puzzled tone:

“Does that look like the face of a Bull who’s gratuitously cruel?” he asked.

That epithet is one of many that have become attached to Tavros’s name. Always known as outspoken and often seen as controversial, many believe Tavros crossed the line last Tuesday, when he criticized the intellectual capabilities of Hieronymous Hedgehog and his family.

“Nobody here thinks he should have said that,” says Stier, who says he agrees with those who believe Tavros should come forward and apologize.

“But I don’t think it’s an indication of his views. He’s argumentative…and combative on the air. That’s his persona. But his loyalties lie with The Park and he’s a staunch supporter of zoocracy. Considering where he came from, that’s not a surprise. But you won’t find many Animals who are as willing as he is to lay it on the line so The Park can be its best. I don’t think, right now, that Park Animals have any appreciation of his real attitudes. All they can hear is this one mistake. I think we owe it to him to give him a chance to speak honestly,” Stier says.

Another protester, Jurella Tamaraw, points out the irony in Tavros not being on the air.

“The last time there was a controversy about free speech, Yannis was there to help resolve it,” she says. That controversy, which involved the decision made by the Association of Park Radio Stations to pull a Cynics song from the airwaves, was resolved when Tavros offered the Cynics a chance to defend their song on his show.

Many would argue, though, that the current issue is not, technically, one of free speech. The protesters outside Toro Talk Radio believe there is a simple solution, nevertheless.

“I think he should apologize and we should all move on from this,” says Tamaraw.

OTD in 2015—Nesthetics designer under fire for comment about “green friends”

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Bowerbird tweetNesthetics designer Romulus Bowerbird has come under fire for a comment he made during an interview with Mammalian Daily reporters on Groundhog Day.

While discussing his aesthetic choices for the 2015 prognostication pad, which he and his company designed and constructed, Bowerbird referred disparagingly to the previous pads made by Simply Structures.

Asked about the range of colours Nesthetics used in the 2015 pad, Bowerbird replied, “It’s much brighter, and we used a range of colours, as you saw. Not just green.”

As soon as he’d uttered it, Bowerbird appeared to realize that his comment was offensive, but his attempts to clarify if only made things worse.

“Green is good,” he said. “Many of my best friends are green.”

Although The Mammalian Daily reporter tried to gloss over the remark by segueing to the “decoration” of the pad, Bowerbird continued to stumble. When Hieronymous Hedgehog joined the conversation, he tried to make light of Bowerbird’s remark, saying that he, too, had many friends who were green. After that. Bowerbird hurriedly left the interview.

Nothing more was made of the incident until two days ago, when The Reptile Register ran an editorial criticizing Bowerbird for expressing views that went against the ideals of zoocracy.

Editor Sherwin Gecko parsed every remark Bowerbird made, finding fault with his cadence as well as his sentiments and concluded that Bowerbird “had a serious problem with other species” and would benefit from having “friends of all colours.”

The issue took on a life of its own after that, with many representatives of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations calling for an apology from Bowerbird.

“It was a thoughtless comment that hurt a large segment of our population,” said Mason L. Tortoise, head of the Small Animal Reform Group (SARG). “Bowerbird should make a formal apology to all of us.”

Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) agreed.

“He didn’t have to say it. He was talking about colour in terms of design. If he didn’t think less of green Animals, it wouldn’t have come to his mind in the first place. We all deserve some sort of explanation of his thought processes, as well as an apology,” he said.

But Carlisle Chameleon sees it differently. One of Bowerbird’s few supporters, the president of Lizards for Liberty believes the designer was “well within his rights” to say what he did.

“He was just stating a fact,” says Chameleon. “He likes green—in Animals as well as prognostication pads—but he likes other colours, too. What I think we’re forgetting because of all the fuss is that while Bowerbird himself is blue, his mate is green, as are many of his relatives and friends. He doesn’t think less of them; he just wants more.”

OTD in 2017—Barkettes locked in legal battle with grooming house over name, image

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halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have engaged the services of legal expert Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, to help them fight their legal battle against a Park grooming house that opened its doors in early November.

The grooming house, which calls itself Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure, opened with little fanfare on November 9, 2016. Shortly after, the Barkettes approached the owner, Zenaide Cadela, and requested that she stop using the image of their album, “Halcyon Days,” on her shop’s sign. Despite initially agreeing, Cadela never acted on the request.

According to papers filed by Terrier on Wednesday, the Barkettes are now asking the court for a cease and desist order to stop Cadela not only from using their album’s copyrighted image, but from playing the song “Halcyon Days” on radio and television advertisements for her grooming house.

Terrier will represent the Barkettes before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon on February 27.

OTD in 2017—Tavros scores interview coup with zoocracy founder’s biographer

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3d-tabby-king-1Yannis Tavros has scored a major media coup by booking an exclusive, pre-publication interview with the author of a new biography of The Park’s first leader.

Yoshita Tigru will join Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show on Friday, February 10, to discuss her book, George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert: The Tabby King. Four days later, The Park will celebrate the anniversary of Jor’s birth.

In the new biography, which is bound to spark controversy when it hits the shelves on February 15, Tigru claims that The Park’s revered first leader considered establishing a form of monarchy before he fixed on the idea of  zoocracy, or complete Animal self-rule.

Tigru, who was allowed full access to all the extant papers of George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert (Jor), including the entirety of his sister’s diary, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, cites his sister as a “major force” behind both his political aspirations and his political decisions.

“There is no doubt that her rôle went far beyond that of a sounding board or even an advisor,” Tigru has said in the past.

This view aligns with that of another of Jor’s biographers, Daphne D.S. Katze, whose 2014 book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, claims that it was Jor’s sister who turned his attention away from “simple Feline pleasures” to the idea of promoting harmony among the species in The Park.

Katze, who had only limited access to Zoë’s historical tome, has said recently that she was envious of Tigru’s unfettered access, but would “absolutely” trust her interpretation of what she read.

Free tickets to Tigru’s February 26 book launch are available at The Literary Apothecary. The launch will begin with a short reading at two o’clock, followed by a Q&A session and paw printing.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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