The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Breaking: Police called to growing protest outside Mammalian Daily offices

By

Park Police Riot SquadBREAKING NEWS
Just hours after the swearing-in ceremonies of the 2015 Archons, Park Police have been called to the offices of The Mammalian Daily as a large protest against the newspaper grows outside the main door.

“We don’t know what it’s all about yet, but the protesters all appear to be holding the same photograph of [Rodent Commoner reporter] Gunnar Rotte,” said Officer Gareth Shepherd, minutes after arriving at the scene.

Witnesses who had been there earlier said the protest began with two Rats who were holding signs and shouting profanities, calling the newspaper “specist and petty” and threatening to destroy it.

“I thought they were friends of Gunnar [Rotte], but they said they didn’t even know him. It was the principle that mattered … and the paper had broken faith with its readers,” said Marcellus Wolverine.

Log onto mammaliandaily.com for new details as this story unfolds.

OTD in 2019—Names of 2019 Archons announced

By

The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2019 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2019
Tuatara, Pounamu Marama (Chief Archon)

Angonoka, Ismene; Archey’s Frog, Hemi Patariki; Baiji, Zhang Wei; Beaver, Dufgus; Beluga, Asmund Fritjof; Bowerbird, Raakel Tadita; Bowhead Whale, Darius Enok; Brown Recluse Spider, Matilda Saga; Bufo, Olivia Eleanor; Carp, Rufus Stanley; Chuckwalla, Amalia Mariana; Cockatoo, Arthur Dennis; Condor, Aracely Nicolle; Dwarf Caiman, Selena Valeria; Elephant, Feechi Kalifa; Geoduck, Viggo Arkady; Gorilla, Kwame Salim; Guppy, Ainoliina Valda; Hellbender, Andreas; Hornet, Aksel Arthur;  Ibis, Pandora Kalliope; Kokako, Amaia Manawa; Leopard Gecko, Amooz Bahnam; Longfin Eel, Rawiri Tai; Manx Shearwater, Erikur Njáll; Mehiläinen, Annikki Kaarina; Opposum, Chester Antioch; Oscar, Dieter Öxar; P. Waltl, Sebastián Mateo; Sagalla Caecilian, Adongo Farajah; Salamander, Wyatt Atticus; Scheltopusik, Camilla Grace; Swallowtail, Lucia Martina; Tuna, Hendrina Beatrix.

OTD in 2019—Outgoing Chief Archon Iolana Whooping Crane: “I did not set out to be the face of a new movement.”

By

CHIEF ARCHON IOLANA CAMIRA WHOOPING CRANE: THE EXIT INTERVIEW

In her only exit interview, The Park’s 2018 Chief Archon, Iolana Camira Whooping Crane—whose term ends on Wednesday—told The Mammalian Daily that her work on establishing an “Enough Economy” in The Park was misrepresented by the press and by some political factions. Nonetheless, she stands by her ideas and hopes the incoming Archons will build on them.

We sat down with Chief Archon Iolana C. Whooping Crane earlier this month to discuss zoocracy, the economy, what government can and cannot do, and her hopes for the future of The Park.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon Whooping Crane, for sitting down with us today.

IWC:  Thank you for having me. I’m happy to be here.

TMD: Chief Archon Whooping Crane, I think it’s safe to say that it’s the hope of most, if not all, Chief Archons to leave a legacy. This is a two-part question, it seems. First, I’d like to know, is that something you think about at the beginning of your term? When you find out you’ve been elected Chief Archon by the other thirty-four Archons, do you think to yourself, “This is what I want to achieve in the coming year?”

IWC: I will agree with you about legacy, but not in personal terms. Everything we do, we do for the betterment of The Park as a whole, and we only have one year in which to do it. So, it’s about setting something in motion, rather than seeing it to a conclusion. But most governing is that, isn’t it? You can’t be short-sighted. There is no end point; you are simply laying down a set of tracks that you hope will be trod upon and continue to be built by those who follow you. But you’re correct in the sense that each of us, in this small club we call the Chief Archons Club, has certain ideas that seem so important that we feel they should take precedence over others. And, sometimes, those ideas, or the solutions to certain problems, invariably become our legacy. So, to answer your question, no, we do not jump for joy when we are elected and think to ourselves, “Wonderful! I’m going to get the chance to work on my dream project!” Governing is a much more serious and onerous task than that. All too often, events or circumstances that are beyond your control decide for you what your priority is and you have to be able to react to them in a timely fashion. As a result, it is that reaction that becomes your legacy.

TMD: The second part of my question must seem obvious to you: what would you like your own legacy to be?

IWC: I think it’s inevitable that my legacy will be connected to the economy and, of course, to the fact that I introduced the concept of “enough,” not only to The Park generally, but to the budget, as well. And I am proud of that.

TMD: I’m going to ask you a question that many have been afraid to: are you against economic growth in The Park?

IWC:  I don’t know why that question hasn’t been asked, but I’m happy to answer it now. I am in favour of sustainable, responsible economic growth in The Park. I am not in favour of unfettered growth or growth that leaves some Animals or species of Animals behind. And I am not in favour of growth that imperils the environment, pits some species against others, or is simply production or consumerism with no end point other than a financial one. Is that clear?

TMD: I would say that is very clear, but is it realistic?

IWC:  Anything is realistic if you are willing to take responsibility for its execution. If you are not, then nothing is realistic, and you are free to blame outside forces.

TMD: That’s a strong opinion.

IWC:  And would you have me express a weak opinion?

TMD: No, of course not.

TMD: How did you feel when your “enough” approach—your very serious argument about sustainability—became the “BastaBudget?” Did you feel it demeaned your idea?

IWC: No, I didn’t and I don’t now. New ideas are incredibly hard for many to digest. It takes a long period of adjustment and, even then, many are not capable of incorporating them into their world view. Whether we like it or not, something like the “BastaBudget,” a catchy phrase that may seem negative to some, helps the idea along. It fastens it securely in the mind. And, in a way, I did start it, by introducing the idea of the “enough economy.”

TMD: Did you intend to do that?

IWC:  Intend to do what?

TMD: Intend to use linguistic tools to change minds about The Park’s economy?

IWC:  You make me sound manipulative.

TMD: That wasn’t the intention.

IWC: In the first place, I did not come to office intending to do anything radical about the economy. As I said, you assume the office with the best of intentions. And most of my interests weren’t economic to begin with. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that The Park was headed on a path that was not only unsustainable, it was downright dangerous. As Noreen says, one need only look to the Human world to see the results of bad policies. So, I reacted to the situation in what I believe was a reasonable fashion. I said, hold on, we cannot just continue doing what we’ve been doing. We will lose control of everything, including our ability to govern our own land. But I did not set out to be the face of a new movement.

TMD: Would you say you were successful in changing minds?

IWC:  History will make that judgement. I believe I was successful in laying the groundwork for change. Given that we only have a year in office, I would say that that was not a small thing.

TMD: In our discussion today, you make the whole “enough” concept seem so benign. But you were vilified during most of your term.

IWC:  That didn’t surprise me. I think the press—many in the press—did their best to turn my words against me and to fight my ideas. The “Enough Economy” was so misrepresented in the Park press that I just began to ignore it. Why bother fighting it out with the media? It seemed to me that many had chosen to serve the interests of anti-sortitionists, to make it appear that I was incompetent and only an elected government should be able to make such sweeping changes as I felt were necessary.

TMD: I understand why you say that and, yes, there were many who questioned your competency. But, as I’m sure you know, in a series of year-end polls, you surpassed all other Chief Archons in two areas: most disliked and most intelligent. Do you find those two to be at odds with each other?

IWC:  It does seem strange, as if I’m less incompetent and more diabolical. As for being disliked, as I’m sure you expect me to say, it is not a popularity contest. There were many Park residents who agreed with my ideas. And many who had had the same ideas, themselves. A good citizen considers all ideas and makes sound, informed judgements. Our founder, Jor, ran into a great deal of resistance. And he had many enemies, if the biographies are to be believed. So, the polls don’t matter so long as we’re moving in the right direction.

TMD: You mentioned Noreen a while back. What influence, if any, did she have on you?

IWC:  Noreen is a dear friend and she served as an unofficial advisor to me. We met a few times over the course of the year and she updated me on a variety of things regarding the Human world. The breadth of her knowledge when it comes to Humans is remarkable.

TMD: As of January 16, you will be a private citizen of The Park. What are your plans, immediate and long-term?

IWC:  I’ll be going south for a rest after Groundhog Day, but I’ll be back in the Spring. I have a number of projects that I want to work on, some on my own and some collaboratively. I’m going to join my predecessor, Klarissa Kuttu, in the fight for longer terms. One year is simply not enough time to effect meaningful change.

TMD: What would you or will you say to the incoming Chief Archon?

IWC:  I wish the incoming Chief Archon the best of luck. We don’t know who it is, but we do know the burden they will bear. We don’t advise each other, but I would encourage any Archon, Chief or not, to seek as much advice and opinion from others as possible.

TMD: May I say, Chief Archon Whooping Crane, on behalf of all Park citizens, thank you for your work and your service to zoocracy and The Park. We wish you peace and happiness in your new life.

IWC:  Thank you so much. I wish the same for you.

OTD in 2018—Outgoing Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu: “My realism was ahead of its time.”

By

CHIEF ARCHON KLARISSA KUTTU: THE EXIT INTERVIEW

In her only exit interview, The Park’s 2017 Chief Archon, Klarissa Escalade Kuttu—whose term ends on Tuesday—told The Mammalian Daily that she was misrepresented as anti-Human by the press and others and that she feels her realism is “ahead of its time.” 

We sat down with Chief Archon Klarissa E. Kuttu earlier this month to discuss zoocracy, the expectations of government, and her hopes for the future of The Park and Animal self-rule.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon Kuttu, for sitting down with us today.

KEK: Thank you for inviting me. I’m happy to talk to you today.

TMD: Chief Archon Kuttu, I think it’s safe to say that the expectations placed on a new Chief Archon are enormous and so must be the pressure of that, as well. Would you agree?

KEK: Yes, I do agree, though I wouldn’t agree if you’d said, “unreasonable” expectations. I think it’s fair for The Park’s citizens to expect a lot from their government and when we come up short, it’s also fair for them to criticize us.

TMD: Which leads me to this question, if you don’t mind: according to some polls, you have been one of the most unpopular Chief Archons in the history of zoocracy. What do you make of that and how much responsibility do you take? Was it a failure of communication? A misunderstanding?

KEK: I noticed you said some polls and, if you hadn’t, I would object. But, yes, there were some polls—and obviously, many Park citizens—who disagreed with me vehemently, though I doubt they would have said I didn’t have The Park’s best interests in mind.

I believe strongly that many of the controversies during my term were due to the misrepresentation of me by the press and others. I don’t think you can deny that I was depicted as anti-Human, which was at best unhelpful and at worst, damaging to progress in The Park. And, yes, I do take some responsibility for the misunderstanding of my views and policies. Clearly, I did not explain myself well enough. But, even more than that, I misread the state of mind of the citizenry.

TMD: In what way?

KEK: We have had some trying times in the past few years and I admit I didn’t realize to what extent that had affected the emotional and mental outlook of Park Animals. I didn’t understand their very real desire for calm and stability. My term as Chief Archon should have reflected that and responded to it. Instead, I wanted to charge ahead with ideas that Park Animals simply weren’t ready for. And, here, you really do have to keep in mind the pace of any Park government. We are selected by lottery, we have twelve months to deal with all aspects of running The Park. Ninety percent of those aspects, I would say, we have no idea of until we get here. In some ways, it’s a crazy way to govern.

TMD: Are you saying that zoocracy doesn’t work?

KEK: Of course not. What I am saying, though, is that it was designed in a much simpler time, and for a much simpler purpose. It was designed so that we could take control of our lives and our property. Thirty-five years ago, no Animal could have imagined the challenges we face today. We are in desperate need of modernization, and not just of our government, but of our state of mind. And I tried to bring that to my Archonship, but it was too early. I see that now. We need to ease into these things, but I butted ahead with them and we see the results. Or lack of results.

TMD: For the record, though, are you anti-Human?

KEK:  I am not “anti” any species. But I am a realist. And, in many ways, my realism was ahead of its time. Humans hold an enormous amount of power in the world. And, if we’re to be honest, they do still hold power over us in The Park. It’s an imbalance that I felt and still feel is untenable and I tried to change that with what I considered would be simple tweaks. But, as it turns out, they weren’t simple at all. And they became my grand mistakes.

TMD: Such as restricting trade with Humans and ending Human tourism?

KEK: Among the many, yes.

TMD: Which others?

KEK: I’ll leave that for you and for The Park’s many political commentators to mull over and, perhaps, write books about.

TMD: What would you consider your greatest failure?

KEK: I have said this before and I’ll say it again: my government’s failure to find a suitable head of Park Finance—a suitable budget chief—and to prepare a 2018 budget. I think that might be the greatest failure.

TMD: And your greatest success?

KEK: I would like to think that I did bring some awareness of the threat that we face from Humans, as well as from other species. And from ourselves. I would like to think that we are now more aware than ever of the fragility of Animal self-rule and that we might stop either taking it for granted or revering it unrealistically.

TMD: Are we in danger of losing it?

KEK: I think we are always in danger of losing it. Nothing is forever and as we have seen from Human society, things can go backwards. It doesn’t take much. We must guard what we value and continue to value what we guard. To hold it dear. Otherwise, who knows what can happen.

TMD: Now that you’re no longer in government, what does your future hold?

KEK: I hope it will hold peace. And friendship. But I also want to stay involved. I would never retreat from the political sphere entirely, now that I’ve learned so much.

TMD: Would you serve another term?

KEK: Yes, I would. And I, too, believe in longer terms and when I’ve rested up a bit, I will be prepared to fight for that. One year is not long enough.

TMD: Two years?

KEK: Maybe even three. Whatever the citizenry can bear. It will be a long haul to change the rules, but I do believe in long haul government. [laughing]

TMD: Chief Archon, it really has been a pleasure to talk to you today. We all in The Park wish you well in the future. And we want to express our deep gratitude for your work in the service of zoocracy and The Park.

KEK: The pleasure has been mine, in moving zoocracy to its next phase and in sitting here with you to talk about it. I’ll see you at the swearing-in on January 16 and again on Groundhog Day.

OTD in 2017—Burrowers chase Humans out of Park for photographing hibernators

By

hibernators

These pictures, recovered by Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, are now in Park Police possession

Two Park burrowers are being hailed as heroes today, after police confirmed they ran a group of Humans out of The Park when they found them photographing Animals in hibernation.

At a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, praised Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, whose quick thinking, Addax said, “preserved the privacy and safety of our hibernating community.”

According to Inspector Addax, the two burrowers spotted what they believed were a couple of illegal holes near their own burrows. After further investigation, they found a cache of small video and still cameras, and several sets of Human footprints. Before they had time to call Park Police, the group of Humans returned, and the two burrowers ran them out of The Park. Police are now in possession of the cameras.

The pair, who attended the press conference this morning, say they don’t feel like heroes at all.

Królik, who calls himself “an ordinary burrower,” told reporters the actions of the Humans offended his sense of propriety.

“I wasn’t even thinking about the law when I saw them [the Humans]. I was thinking that our vulnerable citizens needed protection and I was going to make sure they got it.”

For his part, Coelho said he could only imagine what it must feel like to be violated by Humans while you’re in hibernation.

“It’s just not right. I have many friends in the hibernating community and I know their lives are difficult. They don’t need any added stress, or the fear that their every movement will be recorded while they try to survive the Winter,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Developing story: Gunnar Rotte claims he was assaulted at bakery outside Park

By

Gunnar RotteDEVELOPING STORY
Journalist Gunnar Espen Rotte, who gained notoriety in December when he published a controversial editorial in the Rodent Commoner, claims that he was assaulted this morning when he was shopping at a bakery outside The Park.

Rotte, whose opinion piece was entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” has been the target of threats since early December. He spent two weeks in hiding and was the recipient of personal security from Park Police until January 1.

Rotte told The Mammalian Daily in a call from his burrow that that he had gone on a “usual” excursion outside The Park to buy some pastries for a small gathering he is hosting tonight.

“As soon as I walked into the place, I could feel the tension,” Rotte said.

The bakery was filled with customers, most of them Humans, and Rotte said he just wanted to place his order and leave.

“But before I knew it, they’d mobilized. One got a broom; another got a spray can. I went behind the counter, picked up two pies, threw my money at the server and ran,” he said. “I didn’t even wait for the change.”

Rotte was visibly shaken when he returned to The Park, his friends say.

“He ran into his burrow and stayed there for about an hour. Then he called us to say he was all right.”

OTD in 2014—Majority of citizens believe 2013 Archons ineffective: survey

By

Park citizens not impressed by 2013 Archons


Park citizens have not been impressed by the effectiveness of the 2013 Archons

If  Park Animals’ farewell message to their outgoing government could be summed up in two words, those words might well be, “Good riddance.”

So say the results of a survey conducted last month by the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier.

The survey, which asked Park Animals thirty questions regarding the effectiveness of this year’s Archons, netted some surprising results, says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, the Livingstone School’s head.

“We asked a representative sample of Park citizens questions about the 2013 Archons’ policies and visions, and about their success in following through on the promises they made on Groundhog Day. Few of the respondents could name one policy the Archons had even enunciated, let alone brought to fruition,” she said.

The overwhelming feeling of the respondents was one of acute disappointment.

“Our respondents were quick to characterize the 2013 government as not only lacking in action, but in vision. And vision is the very thing we look to the Archons for,” she said.

The survey respondents were also forthright in their criticism of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros.

“It appears that Park Animals had higher expectations of her because she is a Rhinoceros. Unfortunately, her performance did not meet those expectations,” said Cissa.

OTD in 2014—Archons take heat for secretly moving on single currency

By

Ftoo symbols


Above are some of the designs for a currency symbol that were submitted to the 2013 Archons in December.

In what is believed to have been a last-ditch attempt to secure their legacy, the 2013 Archons secretly commissioned designs for a symbol that would represent the Ftoo as The Park’s official currency.

That is the conclusion of a month-long joint investigation by reporters from The Mammalian Daily and The Avian Messenger, the results of which were released today.

According to the investigators, the 2013 Archons intended to move forward with a plan to amalgamate Park currencies and to establish the Ftoo as the official currency, all without consulting citizens on the matter.

“This is an outrage,” said Rowena Goose, the long-time president of the Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC).

In a statement issued this afternoon, The Goose condemned the Archons’ move and in an interview broadcast on AVN Television, she bluntly questioned their competence.

“It looks as if the only thing that stopped them was their own incompetence. Their indecision as regards the final currency design saved this Park from financial disaster,” she said.

The Goose went on to indict The Park’s political system in what she termed “the biggest financial scandal of this decade.”

“Might I say, this gives us a good reason to consider establishing elections for Archons, so we can ensure their ability to serve in the best interests of Park citizens,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Blandine Okapi: “Sortition gives us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

By

Blandine OkapiFormer Archon Transition Team (ATT) member Blandine Okapi is taking some heat for her most recent remarks about sortition and the annual selection of government in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published in The Ruminant Free Press yesterday, Okapi calls the process of sortition, which has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons, “a ridiculous idea” and says bluntly, “All it does is give us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

Okapi, who quit the ATT two years ago in order to work with the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), claims she is drawing from her experience in politics and government when she says that sortition is “keeping The Park in a state of inertia.”

“As we look forward this year to celebrating the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy, we have to ask ourselves what we’ve accomplished here,” she writes. “If our goal was to mature as a Park and to be the model for Animal self-government everywhere, I would say we have failed miserably.”

Reaction to Okapi’s scathing criticism has been swift. At a joint press conference this morning, 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose and Sylvana Rana, president of  Save Our Political System (SOPS), countered her arguments, saying that sortition is the best method available to ensure fair and equitable representation in government.

Former Chief Archon Moose went on to speak of his experience in governing The Park:

“I unequivocally dispute Okapi’s portrait of the members of our governments as being either unable or unwilling or both. During my term as Chief Archon, I worked with some of the most able Animals I have ever met and every one of them was one hundred percent committed to zoocracy and to the values that Jor stood for,” he said.

OTD in 2019—Dewi Rhinoceros: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

By

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen former Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros as its 2018 Animal of the Year.

At a press conference at noon today, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour Rhinoceros because of her “tireless commitment to interspecial harmony, and her ongoing work to foster awareness of the effects of enforced domestication.”

During her term as Chief Archon, Dewi Rhinoceros and her fellow Archons established our weekly Stereotype Sundays, in an effort to “promote the kind of peaceful coexistence among species” that Jor [The Park’s first leader] had hoped to achieve when he established modern zoocracy. Now in their seventh year, these highly successful weekly gatherings play an important part in the peace and stability of life in The Park.

As Chief Archon, Dewi Rhinoceros also established June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. In announcing the first of the annual events, Rhinoceros said, “we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers.” Many Park residents have credited the month-long event with saving their lives. Now in its seventh year, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month has expanded to encompass not only awareness and prevention, but ongoing treatment of the effects of enforced domestication,

After she left office, Rhinoceros fulfilled a lifelong ambition and opened the Centre for Interspecial Harmony. The Centre runs educational programmes, hosts events, and funds research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Dewi Rhinoceros and the Centre for Interspecial Harmony and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2019.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031