The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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October 28: Your Election update in five

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pops-election-reporter

Welcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • The Park Museum will host its first pop-up exhibition from October 31-November 17. Entitled “Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt,” the multimedia exhibit will “honour the POPS election process as well as this year’s unconventional campaign.” The exhibit will showcase material related to the 2003 decision by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to open the position of POPS to elections. It will also feature memorabilia from past campaigns, including posters, flyers, buttons, newspaper interviews, television and radio interviews and recorded speeches
  • Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System, said in an interview today that “hundreds” of POPS candidates are anti-sortitionists and have entered the race in order to destroy our current political system. So far, no candidate has responded to her charge
  • The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations continues to take flack for their decision to hire Fleck + Stone to design what is now being called the “posh pad.” Other prognostication pad designers are said to be banding together to fight the decision
  • Celebrity Chef Tab Tricolore has made an ad warning Animals not to vote for Yannis Tavros. The two fought for months over Tricolore’s policy of allowing only striped Animals into The Tabby Club until Tricolore opened the pub up to all during the five days of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)
  • Rumour has it that psychotherapist and Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff member Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon is at work on a book called, “POPS Psychology.” The book analyzes the psychological makeup of a Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) and discusses the toll the stress of the prediction takes on the successful candidate

October 27: Your Election update in five

By

pops-election-reporter

Welcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel confirmed today that there will be no debate held this year: “Too many candidates, too little time.” Candidates are on their own to let voters know their qualifications to make the Groundhog Day prediction
  • In response to a question put to him by The Equine Echo, Chief Archon Raymond Mink said they are still drafting the law that will determine which Animal becomes the “spare” in the POPS election. In this election cycle, it will be the Animal who receives the second-largest number of votes
  • Official Hibernation Ambassador Hieronymous Hedgehog has coined a term for the crankiness his fellow hibernators exhibit at this time of year: Torpor Tantrum. He says he’s working with The Park’s medical community to find a solution before November 17, the official date of hibernation
  • Chief Mikko Tikkeri will be hosting a “get to know the candidates” lunch and dinner this Saturday, October 29
  • In an effort to combat the theatrics of this year’s election, some of the lesser-known candidates have formed groups according to species and they say they’ll be pooling their resources to pay for signs and other election materials

October 26: Your Election update in five

By

pops-election-reporterWelcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • So long, Romulus Bowerbird: The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations confirmed today that they have selected Fleck + Stone to design the 2017 prognostication pad. The company is known for designing high-end buildings of cultural import (such as The Park Museum and the Burrow Theatre), a fact that has cynics now calling the device the “posh pad”
  • Hieronymous Hedgehog says he’s reluctant to endorse any POPS candidate, apparently forgetting that he endorsed Millicent Hayberry in mid-September, tweeting: “I vote YES to intelligent and competent MHMixed Nuts for POPS!”
  • Staying in one place to meet the voters: Unlike other candidates, who get out to meet the public, Millicent Hayberry is planning to stay in one place this weekend and have the voters come to her. She’s booked the Burrow Theatre—scene of the “Godwit” crime/mystery in which she starred until recently—and those who are curious about her or her campaign can take part in her weekend-long “Chipmunk Chinwag”
  • The Park Election Office is all but certain there are too many candidates to hold a “meaningful” debate and they’re waiting on word from the Archons before they announce a change in plans
  • Gunnar Rotte amps up his anti-Yannis Tavros campaign by adding “Stop the Bull!” to his repertoire

TMD announces the appointment of an official POPS Election reporter

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gd-borderBREAKING NEWS

We are pleased to announce that The Mammalian Daily has designated one of our most capable  journalists as the official POPS Election reporter for the duration of the POPS election season.

Please welcome Endla Metsümiseja. Endla will keep you up to date on all POPS Election and Groundhog Day information. You can follow her reports here as well as on Twitter, where she will be taking over the Park Groundhog Day Twitter account until the election results are in.

Endla is a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier. After graduation, Endla was hired by The Rodent Commoner as a roving reporter. After two years there, where she became known for her “nose for the news,” Endla spent six months writing for The Cosmopolitan Pest before she left The Park to travel. Upon her return, she was hired by The Mammalian Daily as a general reporter and she has distinguished herself here as an energetic and intelligent addition to our staff.

As a member of The Park’s hibernating community, Endla has a particular interest in Groundhog Day. As well, many generations of her family have been actively involved in the The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and in the annual elections for Keeper of the Nut.

We know you will find Endla’s reports useful and enlightening.

PEO head says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in run-up to POPS election

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ballot-boxGerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office (PEO), says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in the run-up to this year’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

In a short interview yesterday afternoon, Wezel lamented that some “high-profile candidates” had thrown his office into a tizzy.

Taking a short lunch break at one of the two offices occupied by the PEO, Wezel opined that the POPS elections were getting out of hand and “straying from the original intent” set forth by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in his landmark ruling in 2003.

The PEO head estimates that his office is likely to process more than a thousand registration forms before the deadline of November 5, which is an increase of more than one hundred and fifty percent over last year.

Wezel’s concerns about the POPS elections aren’t new, nor are they only his. Two years ago, he met with the Archons to suggest ways in which they might keep the numbers down and focus on candidate appropriateness. His suggestion that candidates meet specific qualifications was met with resistance, but even at the time they acknowledged they would have to find a solution to the ever-increasing number.

“I try to stay impartial, but I do believe that they’ve stirred the pot once too often,” Wezel said. “Now, all Animals believe they’re qualified to become POPS and make a Groundhog Day prediction.”

In case you are thinking about standing as a candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), this is what you should know:

JUST THE FACTS

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

Would Millicent Hayberry’s acting career give her an edge in POPS debate?

By

Millicent campaignMillicent Hayberry has more than four weeks to confirm her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but that hasn’t stopped political commentators and others from speculating on the effects her candidacy—and her career— would have on one of The Park’s few elected positions.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Simian Spectator, Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the University of West Terrier’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy, writes that he believes her candidacy would change the POPS landscape forever.

While Marmoset has always supported the decision to, as he puts it, “transition [the position] from an inherited one to a merited one,” he says he has mixed feelings about elections.

“So much of the election process is about performance, about favouritism, about alternate abilities, about things that do not relate at all to qualifications or to the position itself,” he writes.

And even though members of species other than Groundhogs have thrown their hats in the ring for POPS, Marmoset thinks that Hayberry’s candidacy would be a “game changer.”

“Her vocal skills, her acting skills, her reputation, her fame. These are the things she would bring to the table in addition to belonging to the hibernating class. I don’t doubt her prognostication skills or that she would be a good candidate. But I wonder if the other candidates will have an equal chance to appeal to the electorate if Millicent is among them. And I wonder whether future candidates will be reluctant to run if they can’t match her skills. I think it could have a lasting effect,” he writes.

A Hare as a spare? Park Election Office to designate runner-up in POPS election

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POPS BREAKING NEWS

Now that 2016 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Adelheid Whistlepig is safely ensconced in her burrow, The Park Election Office has rendered her election win the last of its kind.

Executing what some are calling a “momentous change” in POPS election policy, the PEO has decided to designate an official POPS runner-up—an Animal who will fulfill the duties of the POPS should she or he be unable to do so. The change in policy will take effect at the next election.

At a press conference this afternoon, PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement.

“Many factors were involved in our decision to designate an official runner-up—a spare, you might say—in the POPS election,” he said.

Among those factors, Wezel cited the lack of age restriction for candidates and the precariousness of life itself. But one thing stood out for Park citizens—and particularly for The Park’s weather makers— and that was the change in climate over the past decades.

“In the few years that we have been electing the POPS—a little more than a decade, in fact—our climate has become less and less predictable,” Wezel said.

“As many in our medical community have noted, premature awakening from hibernation, which was once a rare occurrence, has become a blight on our hibernating population. This is a serious matter and selecting a runner-up to the POPS is not a solution to this dilemma. But it is a first step in acknowledging that we must accommodate to it until we can change it. It is for this reason that I petitioned the Archons last year for a change in policy. And it is for this reason that they  agreed,” he said.

Wezel confirmed that the runner-up would likely be the candidate who received the second-largest number of votes, but he said the laws surrounding the selection have yet to be written.

“This is something that will take some time and a lot of deliberation, but the wheels are now in motion,” he said.

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