The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—”We don’t count votes by species,” Park Election Office head tells media

By

vote-by-speciesMembers of the media drew ire this morning from Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel when they pressed him on the subject of Groundhog participation in Monday’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

The media inquiries were made at a short press conference which Wezel had called to issue an update on the counting of votes and the estimated time of announcing the election winner.

But when the conference was opened up to questions, it became obvious that most media representatives were more interested in whether The Park’s Groundhog population had exercised its franchise in this unusual election.

After a few failed attempts to move past the question, a visibly annoyed Wezel issued a terse response: “We don’t count votes by species.”

The answer, though, seemed not to satisfy the media, who then pressed Wezel on the reason for the three polls the PEO conducted before the election, two of which indicated that The Park’s Groundhog population had become disenchanted with the present system.

Wezel did not directly answer that question, but he did confirm that the Archons and the PEO were looking at that polling information “very carefully.”

“All I can tell you right now is that there are going to be changes made to the POPS elections,” he said. “We are rapidly outgrowing this system and we need to take action as soon as possible.”

OTD in 2016—Doves called back to assist Does of Peace in monitoring polling stations

By

vote-hereThe Doves of Peace were called back from migration last week to assist their sister-agency, the Does of Peace, in monitoring polling stations during today’s election.

According to Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the unprecedented decision was made “to ensure the integrity of the election.”

The Doves and Does, who are fully autonomous sub-groups of Park Police, attend Park celebrations and days of significance, but this is the first time in Park history that they have been called to monitor an election.

Speaking last night from a pit stop a few kilometres from The Park, Doves of Peace spokesBird Georgina Golub said the decision to call her group back to The Park was appropriate, “if not prescient.”

“Yesterday’s violence at the All Candidates’ mega rally was a good sign that we should come home and keep the peace during this historic election,” she said.

The violence that Golub referred to at yesterday’s rally started with one attendee deliberately tripping Ekeoma L. Girraaf, who had just finished speaking in support of candidate Yannis Tavros. Tavros’s supporters, including his campaign manager Raimundo Zorro, ganged up on the attendee and held him until Park Police forced them to release him. At that point, supporters of the beaten attendee cornered Zorro and tried to block police access to him. Zorro, who was convicted last year of hate-mongering and engaging in specist activities, was eventually removed from the rally, but not before at least fifty Animals were arrested and many more were taken to hospital.

Golub said that after re-grouping, the Doves would be ready for work at noon today.

“We’re looking forward to monitoring a peaceful and enjoyable election process,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Significant number of Groundhogs say they won’t vote on November 7

By

ballot-boxA significant number of The Park’s Groundhogs say they won’t be voting for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) on November 7.

In a new poll conducted by the Park Election Office on Thursday, twenty-seven percent of Animals who identify themselves as Groundhogs, Whistlepigs, or Marmots said they would not be casting a ballot this year for POPS. The vast majority of those, however, said they would be voting for Keeper of the Nut four days later.

This is the second poll on the subject the PEO has conducted in the last week. The top reasons given this time for sitting out the POPS election were disenchantment with the candidates and the feeling that the election had lost its real meaning and had been “co-opted” by celebrities such as Millicent Hayberry and Yannis Tavros.

In a related poll, sixty-eight percent of respondents said they believed the POPS should be a hibernator.

What do Mammalian Daily readers think? Answer our poll below and we’ll tell you the results when the election is over.

OTD in 2016—October 28: Your Election update in five

By

pops-election-reporter

Welcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • The Park Museum will host its first pop-up exhibition from October 31-November 17. Entitled “Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt,” the multimedia exhibit will “honour the POPS election process as well as this year’s unconventional campaign.” The exhibit will showcase material related to the 2003 decision by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to open the position of POPS to elections. It will also feature memorabilia from past campaigns, including posters, flyers, buttons, newspaper interviews, television and radio interviews and recorded speeches
  • Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System, said in an interview today that “hundreds” of POPS candidates are anti-sortitionists and have entered the race in order to destroy our current political system. So far, no candidate has responded to her charge
  • The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations continues to take flack for their decision to hire Fleck + Stone to design what is now being called the “posh pad.” Other prognostication pad designers are said to be banding together to fight the decision
  • Celebrity Chef Tab Tricolore has made an ad warning Animals not to vote for Yannis Tavros. The two fought for months over Tricolore’s policy of allowing only striped Animals into The Tabby Club until Tricolore opened the pub up to all during the five days of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)
  • Rumour has it that psychotherapist and Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff member Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon is at work on a book called, “POPS Psychology.” The book analyzes the psychological makeup of a Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) and discusses the toll the stress of the prediction takes on the successful candidate

OTD in 2016—PEO head says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in run-up to POPS election

By

ballot-boxGerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office (PEO), says he’s “bracing for a wild ride” in the run-up to this year’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

In a short interview yesterday afternoon, Wezel lamented that some “high-profile candidates” had thrown his office into a tizzy.

Taking a short lunch break at one of the two offices occupied by the PEO, Wezel opined that the POPS elections were getting out of hand and “straying from the original intent” set forth by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in his landmark ruling in 2003.

The PEO head estimates that his office is likely to process more than a thousand registration forms before the deadline of November 5, which is an increase of more than one hundred and fifty percent over last year.

Wezel’s concerns about the POPS elections aren’t new, nor are they only his. Two years ago, he met with the Archons to suggest ways in which they might keep the numbers down and focus on candidate appropriateness. His suggestion that candidates meet specific qualifications was met with resistance, but even at the time they acknowledged they would have to find a solution to the ever-increasing number.

“I try to stay impartial, but I do believe that they’ve stirred the pot once too often,” Wezel said. “Now, all Animals believe they’re qualified to become POPS and make a Groundhog Day prediction.”

In case you are thinking about standing as a candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), this is what you should know:

JUST THE FACTS

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

OTD in 2016—Would Millicent Hayberry’s acting career give her an edge in POPS debate?

By

Millicent campaignMillicent Hayberry has more than four weeks to confirm her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but that hasn’t stopped political commentators and others from speculating on the effects her candidacy—and her career— would have on one of The Park’s few elected positions.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Simian Spectator, Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the University of West Terrier’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy, writes that he believes her candidacy would change the POPS landscape forever.

While Marmoset has always supported the decision to, as he puts it, “transition [the position] from an inherited one to a merited one,” he says he has mixed feelings about elections.

“So much of the election process is about performance, about favouritism, about alternate abilities, about things that do not relate at all to qualifications or to the position itself,” he writes.

And even though members of species other than Groundhogs have thrown their hats in the ring for POPS, Marmoset thinks that Hayberry’s candidacy would be a “game changer.”

“Her vocal skills, her acting skills, her reputation, her fame. These are the things she would bring to the table in addition to belonging to the hibernating class. I don’t doubt her prognostication skills or that she would be a good candidate. But I wonder if the other candidates will have an equal chance to appeal to the electorate if Millicent is among them. And I wonder whether future candidates will be reluctant to run if they can’t match her skills. I think it could have a lasting effect,” he writes.

OTD in 2016—October 26: Your Election update in five

By

pops-election-reporterWelcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • So long, Romulus Bowerbird: The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations confirmed today that they have selected Fleck + Stone to design the 2017 prognostication pad. The company is known for designing high-end buildings of cultural import (such as The Park Museum and the Burrow Theatre), a fact that has cynics now calling the device the “posh pad”
  • Hieronymous Hedgehog says he’s reluctant to endorse any POPS candidate, apparently forgetting that he endorsed Millicent Hayberry in mid-September, tweeting: “I vote YES to intelligent and competent MHMixed Nuts for POPS!”
  • Staying in one place to meet the voters: Unlike other candidates, who get out to meet the public, Millicent Hayberry is planning to stay in one place this weekend and have the voters come to her. She’s booked the Burrow Theatre—scene of the “Godwit” crime/mystery in which she starred until recently—and those who are curious about her or her campaign can take part in her weekend-long “Chipmunk Chinwag”
  • The Park Election Office is all but certain there are too many candidates to hold a “meaningful” debate and they’re waiting on word from the Archons before they announce a change in plans
  • Gunnar Rotte amps up his anti-Yannis Tavros campaign by adding “Stop the Bull!” to his repertoire

OTD in 2016—TMD announces the appointment of an official POPS Election reporter

By

gd-borderWe are pleased to announce that The Mammalian Daily has designated one of our most capable  journalists as the official POPS Election reporter for the duration of the POPS election season.

Please welcome Endla Metsümiseja. Endla will keep you up to date on all POPS Election and Groundhog Day information. You can follow her reports here as well as on Twitter, where she will be taking over the Park Groundhog Day Twitter account until the election results are in.

Endla is a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier. After graduation, Endla was hired by The Rodent Commoner as a roving reporter. After two years there, where she became known for her “nose for the news,” Endla spent six months writing for The Cosmopolitan Pest before she left The Park to travel. Upon her return, she was hired by The Mammalian Daily as a general reporter and she has distinguished herself here as an energetic and intelligent addition to our staff.

As a member of The Park’s hibernating community, Endla has a particular interest in Groundhog Day. As well, many generations of her family have been actively involved in the The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and in the annual elections for Keeper of the Nut.

We know you will find Endla’s reports useful and enlightening.

On This Day—November 27, 2015: A Hare as a spare? Park Election Office to designate runner-up in POPS election

By

POPS Now that 2016 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Adelheid Whistlepig is safely ensconced in her burrow, The Park Election Office has rendered her election win the last of its kind.

Executing what some are calling a “momentous change” in POPS election policy, the PEO has decided to designate an official POPS runner-up—an Animal who will fulfill the duties of the POPS should she or he be unable to do so. The change in policy will take effect at the next election.

At a press conference this afternoon, PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement.

“Many factors were involved in our decision to designate an official runner-up—a spare, you might say—in the POPS election,” he said.

Among those factors, Wezel cited the lack of age restriction for candidates and the precariousness of life itself. But one thing stood out for Park citizens—and particularly for The Park’s weather makers— and that was the change in climate over the past decades.

“In the few years that we have been electing the POPS—a little more than a decade, in fact—our climate has become less and less predictable,” Wezel said.

“As many in our medical community have noted, premature awakening from hibernation, which was once a rare occurrence, has become a blight on our hibernating population. This is a serious matter and selecting a runner-up to the POPS is not a solution to this dilemma. But it is a first step in acknowledging that we must accommodate to it until we can change it. It is for this reason that I petitioned the Archons last year for a change in policy. And it is for this reason that they  agreed,” he said.

Wezel confirmed that the runner-up would likely be the candidate who received the second-largest number of votes, but he said the laws surrounding the selection have yet to be written.

“This is something that will take some time and a lot of deliberation, but the wheels are now in motion,” he said.

On This Day—November 14, 2016: POPS election overshadowed most important citizen responsibility: DPA

By

Dog submitting form for ArchonshipWe know you’re out there. We just can’t find your form.

That’s the message the Department of Political Administration (DPA) sent today when it announced an extension of the deadline for Park citizens to confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon.

In an announcement released across all Park media, the DPA invited Park citizens to take their responsibilities “as seriously as we do:”

“The department wishes to remind all adult Park citizens that, by law, they must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon. We know you take this responsibility as seriously as we do and for this reason we are extending the deadline to complete your confirmation of eligibility. The new deadline will be 11:59 p.m. on November 30.”

According to the DPA, only forty-five per cent of Park citizens have submitted their eligibility forms. The department doesn’t see this as neglect or protest, however. Rather, it places the blame on the distraction of last week’s POPS election.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi said she believed the POPS election was the “biggest distraction The Park has ever seen.”

“Between the record number of candidates and the non-stop coverage of them, I don’t know how Park citizens could have been thinking of anything else,” she said.

But now, it’s time to focus and do your duty, Fourmi said, as she gently reminded Park citizens that failure to do so could result in a charge of “Cease to Care,” an offence under The Park’s Participation Act that involves the deliberate withholding of one’s name as a candidate for the position of Archon.

“We certainly don’t like to take this last step, but we’ve been forced to do so in the past, and we will do so again, if necessary,” she said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

November 2025
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930