The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

“We must all come together now,” says newly-elected POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot

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Ditmar Bosmarmot

Ditmar Bosmarmot, 2017 POPS

The POPS election is over for this year and we must all come together now, Ditmar Bosmarmot told a massive crowd last night just minutes after he was declared the 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

“This has been a very difficult and contentious election. A lot of things have been said that can’t be taken back, so we must remember them and use them to make The Park a better and a more unified place,” he said.

As he and the six previous holders of the position encircled one of the farewell Trees of Hearts, Bosmarmot remarked that when he emerged again in February, zoocracy in The Park would be celebrating its thirty-fifth birthday.

“This will be a historic year for all of us,” he told the cheering crowd. “We should all be proud of ourselves for sustaining Animal self-rule against all odds. I look forward to continuing this journey with you after Groundhog Day.”

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TMD announces the appointment of an official POPS Election reporter

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gd-borderBREAKING NEWS

We are pleased to announce that The Mammalian Daily has designated one of our most capable  journalists as the official POPS Election reporter for the duration of the POPS election season.

Please welcome Endla Metsümiseja. Endla will keep you up to date on all POPS Election and Groundhog Day information. You can follow her reports here as well as on Twitter, where she will be taking over the Park Groundhog Day Twitter account until the election results are in.

Endla is a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier. After graduation, Endla was hired by The Rodent Commoner as a roving reporter. After two years there, where she became known for her “nose for the news,” Endla spent six months writing for The Cosmopolitan Pest before she left The Park to travel. Upon her return, she was hired by The Mammalian Daily as a general reporter and she has distinguished herself here as an energetic and intelligent addition to our staff.

As a member of The Park’s hibernating community, Endla has a particular interest in Groundhog Day. As well, many generations of her family have been actively involved in the The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and in the annual elections for Keeper of the Nut.

We know you will find Endla’s reports useful and enlightening.

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“Unfit to predict:” Rotte launches campaign against Tavros’s POPS bid

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gunnartweetoct18In a full-on offensive this morning, Gunnar Rotte let it be known that he believes radio talk show host Yannis Tavros is an unfit candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

At a gathering outside the law courts, Rotte said that Tavros’s past remarks about hibernators prove that he is not only unaware of the reality of hibernators’ lives, but that he has no respect for them or for the importance of the Groundhog Day prediction.

“How can we support a candidate who believes that hibernators are less intelligent than other Animals?” Rotte asked, as onlookers chanted what has become his signature phrase, “Unfit to predict!”

Tavros has gotten himself into trouble on a number of occasions for making disparaging remarks about hibernators. Recently, Tavros tweeted that he believed there was a difference in intelligence between hibernators and other Animals. But most notably, he was suspended in 2013 by Toro Talk Radio after saying that Hieronymous Hedgehog hailed from “part of a family that isn’t even smart enough to know when to come out of hibernation.” The reference was to  the Hedgehog’s uncle who served as Archon in 1998 and who died of premature awakening from hibernation ten years later. Tavros was accused of spreading ignorance and disrespecting an Archon and other hibernators. He and Hieronymous made peace later, but his support was noticeably absent last year when Hieronymous was made The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador and he has criticized him repeatedly for being the spokesAnimal for the hibneration outfitter GoUnderground.

Back at the law courts, Rotte pledged to grow his campaign against Tavros until the Bull suspended his campaign.

“We will not, under any circumstances, tolerate the running of the Bull,” Rotte said.

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Yannis Tavros grabs the spotlight by announcing his candidacy for POPS

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tavros-poster-sans-wallOn a day when many thought it would be Millicent Hayberry who would be announcing her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), it was, instead, radio talk show host Yannis Tavros who bulldozed his way into the headlines by announcing that he will stand for the position in November.

At what he called a “press rally” outside the law courts this morning, Tavros handed out postcards, flyers, and brochures before making his official announcement.

“As many of you know, I have taken a leave of absence from my job as talk show host at Toro Talk Radio. The reason for that is simple: I have just added my name to the list of contenders for the position of 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring,” he said.

The crowd that had gathered behind members of the press cheered him on, as he promised to make “the most accurate and the best prediction ever” come Groundhog Day.

“I am the most qualified, most astute Animal of all those who are running for this position. And I’m also the most sensitive to the weather, so there is no doubt in my mind that my prediction will not only be accurate, but it will be the best prediction ever made in the history of Groundhog Day predictions,” he said.

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Millicent Hayberry “seriously considering” POPS bid : rumour

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MillicentHayberry BREAKING NEWS

Renowned actress Millicent Hayberry is “seriously considering” running for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said Hayberry is still “conferring with those in her inner circles, both personal and professional, and likely will announce her decision in October.”

Best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, the beloved actress currently can be found onstage at the Burrow Theatre starring in Godwit: A Mystery.

If Hayberry does decide to take a run for the office, it will not be the first time that a Chipmunk has made the attempt. In 2012, Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk thew his hat in the ring and although he did not win, many credited him and Zachariah Skunk, who ran in 2011, with broadening the field and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

Hayberry still has a lot of time to make her final decision. Park Animals have until November 5, 2016 to put their names forward as candidates for POPS.

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Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations releases 2016 Groundhog Day Schedule

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2016 Groundhog Day scheduleThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has released the Official Schedule of the 2016 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a press conference held early this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced plans for the “jam-packed” Groundhog Day celebration.

Those who attend the event annually will be pleased to find their favourites at this year’s festival, Kanariar said. But there will also be a stunning newcomer: between the much-anticipated Archons’ Address and the super-celebratory Groundhog Day Parade, the department has scheduled a dramatic presentation by the Does of Peace.

“We’re making history again with this one,” Kanariar said. “The is the first time that a group such as the Does of Peace has performed during the celebrations.”

She also confirmed that this year’s parade will have a larger contingent of floats.

“Not only will the parade be a fuller one, but some of the floats will be representative of charities and advocacy groups in The Park. They want you to know that although they work with the troubled and dispossessed every day, they also know how to celebrate,” she said.

One of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations is the food and for the second year in a row, the department will extend the hours of the food stations. A full five hours have been added, which will take the entire festival into the evening.

“It’s part of our commitment to inclusiveness. It was very successful last year, because some Animals are up and about in the morning and others take a little longer to get going. And some take afternoon naps. We want all Park Animals to be able to enjoy what is one of the most important holidays on The Park’s calendar,” she said.

And, don’t forget: for the third year in a row, the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

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Trees of hearts line path as friends say “Au Revoir” to Park hibernators

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Tree of hearts

Trees of Hearts marked the road to hibernation for Park Animals yesterday

They say the road to hibernation is never smooth. But, yesterday, it was made a little brighter for Park Animals who will spend the Winter underground.

As Adelheid Whistlepig, the newly-elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), and other hibernators walked the path toward their burrows, they were greeted by a row of Maple Trees all decked out with paper hearts. Those hearts, fastened to the trees’ now bare branches, bore the well wishes of thousands of The Park’s non-hibernating citizens.[pullquote]Hibernation is an act of faith that demonstrates the most profound belief in the future.—Ekeoma L. Girraaf, 2016 Keeper of the Nut[/pullquote]

“I can’t begin to tell you what it meant to me,” said Kimbriella Marmot. “It’s a sad time of year for my family, even though we try to focus on renewal. I really appreciate the love and kindness demonstrated here.”

The Maple Tree Project, as it is now known, was initiated by Dewi Rhinoceros, a former Chief Archon who is now Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony. All arrangements, including the signing of the hearts, were made at the Centre, Rhinoceros told The Mammalian Daily, and volunteers worked through the night to hang the hearts.

Malinda L. Hamster, president of The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), was visibly moved as she stopped to read the messages on each tree.

“Such a beautiful gesture,” she whispered.

That sentiment was echoed by hundreds of Park hibernators, many of whom posed for selfies in front of the trees.

Later, at a short ceremony, Ekeoma L. Girraaf, 2016 Keeper of the Nut, expressed his admiration for the hibernating community.

“I’m sure I’m not alone among non-hibernators when I say that I have the utmost respect and admiration for your community,” he said. “Hibernation is an act of faith that demonstrates the most profound belief in the future. May you be well for the next few months and emerge strong in the Spring.”

Then, in a spontaneous gesture, attendees showered Hieronymous Hedgehog with thunderous applause as he approached his burrow. The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador paused to wave, then continued his descent.

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