Archives for November 2015

TMD Exclusive: Stinktier throws his hat in the ring for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

November 10, 2015 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

Faramund Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

TMD EXCLUSIVE
Two sources have confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that Faramund Stinktier, one half of the SCENTient Beings duo, is among those being considered for the position of 2016 Keeper of the Nut.

One source who wishes not to be named in this article told The Mammalian Daily that Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for the position.

“His name was put forward by another Animal of the same species,” the source told The Mammalian Daily. The same information was posted on the gossip web site headsNtales and confirmed this morning in an email sent to The Mammalian Daily by the site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo.

Stinktier, a brilliant composer and performer who is considered to be the inventor of the wildly popular “Reekabilly” style of music, received a lot of press in September after he admitted to radio talk show host Yannis Tavros that he believed that he was meant to be a Zebra instead of a Skunk. Since then, he has been both praised and criticized, but he has refused to retire from public view. Those who know him say they’re not surprised that he’s allowed his name to stand for Keeper of the Nut rather than requesting it be removed.

“Faramund isn’t in hiding, even if some would prefer him to be. He wants to live his life just as he did before, except he wants to live it now as a Zebra,” said a longtime friend.

The position, which is now largely symbolic, represents trust among the species. The Keeper of the Nut is chosen annually on November 11, by ballots cast by members of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). The Surrender of the Nut to the Keeper of the Nut takes place each year on November 14.

Click here for more information on the Keeper of the Nut.

Dear Noreen: Humans need an answer? There’s a stat for that!

November 8, 2015 By Noreen, TMD Advice Columnist

DEAR NOREEN: I’ve been living with a family of Humans for three years and for the most part I’ve been happy with them. But there’s something about them I don’t understand.

It has to do with numbers. My Humans are always talking in numbers, quoting this or that percentage and the like. The thing is, I’ve checked some of their numbers and a lot of them are just plain wrong. And some of them are irrelevant, as far as I can see. I don’t understand why they think numbers are the answer to every question they have.

Can you help me understand this?—ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED

DEAR ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED: Ah, Humans. You’ve gotta love ’em…or, at least, you’ve gotta love eighty per cent of ’em, ninety per cent of the time, with a margin of error seven times out of twenty!

Or, as I usually say, they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one!

But you do, so I will try to answer your question as simply as I can, even though, in truth, the answer is both simple and complex (much as Humans are, themselves).

The numbers you’re asking about are known as “statistics.” And if I were allowed only one word to explain Humans’ obsession with them, it would be the word, “control.” I talk about this at greater length in my book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, but I am happy to give you a quick overview here.

You may not be familiar with this aspect of the Human psyche (as many Domestic Canines are not), but one of the driving forces of Human behaviour is the desire for control. And it is often in pursuit of said control that your Humans use these statistics.

But, how does this all work, you ask? Let me give you an example. Say, for instance, your Humans dearly want something to happen but they are afraid that it won’t happen. Instead of living with the uncertainty and waiting for the future to unfold, they turn to their numbers to comfort them. If the numbers say that it hasn’t been successfully done before, then they don’t, as they say, “get their hopes up.” But if the numbers tell them that it is likely to happen, then they allow themselves to hope. For a good example of this particular use of statistics, I refer you to coverage of Human sports events, particularly baseball.

Now, the question is, do these numbers change the outcome? Of course not! And, as you’ve said, the numbers are frequently wrong. Nevertheless, it comforts Humans to believe that they can make accurate predictions and the numbers give them the sense that they have some control.

I feel for you, having to listen to this sort of drivel on a constant basis. My advice to you, since you live with Humans, would be to tune out when they start to talk in numbers. You won’t be missing anything, I can assure you. After all, a good percentage of what they say in words is best ignored, as well.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

For more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

The polls are open, the race is on. May the best candidate become POPS 2016

November 7, 2015 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

Cast your vote today for 2016 POPS!

The polls are open.

At sixteen different stations around The Park, the ballots are neatly stacked and election officials stand at the ready to assist voters as they file in.

“The race is on. All that’s left is for Park Animals to tick whichever box belongs to the candidate they think will perform the duties of POPS best,” said an exhausted-looking Gerritt Wezel this morning.

If voter turnout is as high as it has been over the past few years, the Park Election Office head estimates it will take at least three days to count the votes and determine which of the 207 candidates will be 2016’s Park Official Prognosticator of Spring.

“However long it takes, though, you’ll know almost as soon as we know,” Wezel says.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TODAY’S ELECTION

The polls will be open until 11:00 pm
All adult resident Animals are eligible to vote
ID is recommended but not mandatory

POPS election update: so many candidates, so little time for debate

November 5, 2015 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

LATE BREAKING NEWS

The numbers are in and they’re huge.

When Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel booked today’s press conference, he didn’t expect to have to postpone it. But that he did— twice—because even though registration closed at noon, it took over three hours for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to certify the registration forms.

And the final number?

“Would you believe two hundred and seven?” Wezel told the press. “And only twenty per cent of those are repeats.”

Given the numbers and the limited amount of time for debate, those twenty per cent may regret their decision to stand as candidates.

That’s because, according to new rules put in place today, repeaters will be allowed to speak for only one minute, exactly half the time allotted to new candidates.

“We had to draw the line somewhere, or the debate would go on all night,” Wezel said. “And since we’ve already heard from them, I think that’s fair.”

As it is, since the debate will last almost seven hours, the starting time has been moved up to two o’clock in the afternoon. Candidates will begin filling the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at noon, Wezel said, but attendees will not be allowed in until one.

If you’re planning to stay for the entire thing, however, there is one bright spot: refreshments will be available until eight o’clock, courtesy of The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

The debate starts at two o’clock
Attendees may come and go as they please
There is no age limit, but remember that very young Animals may cause a disturbance and delay the proceedings
Refreshments are available until eight o’clock
POPS Election Day is November 7

Hieronymous Hedgehog invokes uncle at emotional swearing-in ceremony

November 3, 2015 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

It was comfortably warm yesterday afternoon and outside the law courts, a crowd gathered to watch Hieronymous Hedgehog take the oath of office as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.

Standing at the podium afterwards to deliver a short but moving speech, his spines sparkled in the midday sun. He paused just once to brush away a tear as he spoke of his much beloved uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, who served as Archon in 2000 and died in 2008, a victim of premature awakening from hibernation.

“I never thought I’d be able to pay tribute adequately to my Uncle Hamlin,” Hieronymous said. “And I never thought I’d have the chance to thank him for all he did for me and for The Park.

This honour—and this opportunity—mean everything to me. By sharing everything I know (and then some) about the process of hibernation, I will be contributing to interspecial understanding in The Park. But even more than that, I hope to save lives during my tenure. Because—let me warn you—I intend to take full advantage of my new position to raise awareness of the perils of premature awakening and its underlying causes. It’s the least I can do, not just for my Uncle Hamlin, but for the many victims of PA and their friends and families,” he said.

He also pledged to begin his new job “as soon as I leave this podium,” since the official date of hibernation is just two weeks away.

“I say,” he concluded with a smile, “I’ll be working nonstop until I go into hibernation myself, and by that time, you’ll be glad not to hear from me for a while.”

For everything you ever wanted to know about hibernation, follow Hieronymous on Twitter at HieronymousH.