That’s all folks! At least for 2015. As we prepare to go forward, we take a look back at 2015 in The Park. Best wishes for a safe and happy 2016!
Archives for December 2015
The Does of Peace: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animals of the Year
The Does of Peace: The Park’s accidental heroines
BREAKING NEWS
The Mammalian Daily has chosen the Does of Peace as its 2015 Animals of the Year.
In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour The Park’s newest peacekeeping group because of their “tireless and graceful efforts” to achieve peace and harmony among the species.
“As Alfredo Ox said so eloquently last year, they have added a whole new dimension to peacekeeping in The Park,” Haas said.
It was their inauspicious beginning that makes their success even more noteworthy, Haas wrote. Referring to them on more than one occasion as “The Park’s accidental heroines,” the editor reflected on the serendipity that brought them to their present position. In September of 2014, the Does responded to a recruitment advertisement sent out by the Doves of Peace. The printed ad included a typo, which altered “Doves” to “Does,” and the Does hastened to attend the recruitment event.
The peace-loving Animals that they are, they responded without anger to being sent away. But, to their credit, the Doves had a quick change of heart and hired the Does, producing, as Doves spokesBird Georgina Golub calls them, “the most gentle, caring, and effective peacekeeping group” she has ever known.
The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of the Does of Peace and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2016.
The lives we lost in 2015
Here are some of the friends and family we lost in 2015:
Anselm Alpaca
Former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist
Xanthippe Porcupine
Theatre lover and self-described “greatest fan” of Millicent Hayberry
Percy Manatee
Reginald David Hawk
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009
Wilbur H. Milkfish
Orville Gibbon
Sophia Theresa Squid
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009
Priscilla Goose
Pyramus Sloth
Dalton Aardvark
Althea Firefly
Abigail Stickleback
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008
Englebert Leopard
Served as a volunteer at CatsCare for ten years
Petronila Hummingbird
Liliana Lemur
Nelson Mosquitofish
Eleni Cheetah
Avid supporter of ZooLit
Albertine Gastrotrich
Nausikaa Tortoise
Beatrice Mayfly
Nicola Anastasia Platypus
Faithfully served as Archon in 2012
Oberon Pelican
Émile Homard
Micaela Rhinoceros
Zulema Salamander
Abraham Whistlepig
Research Assistant, Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening
Henrietta Gerta Beaver; Gregory Wapiti; Norman D.R. Moose; Humphrey Possum; Farrah Gastrotrich; Dustin Gastrotrich; Ingeborg Gastrotrich; Kaillie Gastrotrich; Berta Gastrotrich; Rowena Cougar; Iraida Whistlepig; Elvin Baboon; Karl Kodkod, Zachary Lézard, Zaida Raposa; Hester Hawk; Rosa Elefante; Ian Douglas Shepherd; Calista Cormorant; Miriam Mayfly; Hendrix Albatross; Beatrix Toad; Erwin Toad; Garman Toad; Ivana Bluebird; Tillie Tarsier; Benedict Okapi; Lilita Shrew; Lucas Shrew; Benito Lobo.
Tricolore’s scented holiday television show causes ill effects in viewers
Scented TV makes strange bedfellows: Chef Tab Tricolore and nurse Hermione Hippo tended to the sick at Park Hospital
DEVELOPING STORY
The Park’s first scented television show delivered more than it promised, according to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.
The hour-long show, which aired last night at 8:00 p.m. on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV), was billed by its producers as a “great experiment,” but none anticipated that the experiment would result in a rush to the emergency department.
A spokesAnimal for the Park Hospital said that at about 8:35, emergency room staff began to triage a “horde” of incoming patients, all of whom said they fell ill while watching the show.
“The symptoms were all the same: dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems…some had even lost tail or toe hairs. We had to assume it was caused by the show, even though we have no idea how that could happen,” the spokesAnimal said.
Hospital officials said they immediately contacted RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., creators of The Park’s only scented social networking site, gewper. It was gewper that supplied the scented aspect of the show, which it developed with Chef Tab Tricolore and VVTV.
The hospital spokesAnimal said they received a “terse reply” from both companies, saying it was impossible that the Animals had been sickened by the show. Vertebrate Vision Televison, however, issued a statement early this morning, expressing its “profound regrets” regarding any ill effects that viewers had suffered.
“We have launched an investigation into all possible causes of the illness and we will report our findings as soon as possible,” the statement said.
For his part, Chef Tricolore said he was “distraught” at the outcome of the broadcast and he rushed to the Park Hospital to offer any assistance he could.
“I have the utmost respect for my customers and my viewers,” he said. “My goal is to please, not to produce disease.”
“All Our Lines Are Busy:” Park Museum to host fundraiser for its music gallery
“All Our Lines Are Busy.” Full staff represents the importance of music in Park life.
The Park Museum will host a fundraiser on February 29, 2016 in support of its as-yet-unopened music gallery.
In an announcement today, the museum’s Board of Governors invited all Park Animals to “a spectacular night of song, dance, food, and fun.” All proceeds, according to the announcement, will go toward the completion of the music gallery.
A spokesAnimal for the Board said the evening’s theme of “All Our Lines Are Busy” is meant to reflect the importance of The Park’s vibrant arts community and, in particular, its musical one.
“From the beginning, music has been a very important component of our life here,” said the spokesAnimal. “The Board of Governors, as well as many others, believe that music is fundamental to zoocratic life. Without a full [musical] staff, we would not be The Park that we are.”
The Board has requested that those attending respond at rsvp@parkmuseum.info.
The museum’s invitation may be read here.
“Think Safety” the theme of this year’s travel advisory, say police, DWBS
The theme of this year’s travel advisory is “Think Safety.”[pullquote]Be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals.—Park Police, Department of Well-Being and Safety [/pullquote]
As they issued their annual advisory for travel both inside and outside The Park, the police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) warned Animals to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with Humans this holiday season.
“As usual, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. But be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.
In particular, Animals are warned against interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.
“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.
“The sentimentality of the season has always affected Human behaviour and made them more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.
“But this year, that urge may be stronger, with many more Humans having been combatants in war or having been displaced from their homelands. Under normal circumstances, Humans easily lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny and believe they’re doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families. Under even more strained circumstances, they can begin to believe that Animals exist for their own benefit and comfort,” he says.
Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:
Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
DWBS to deliver first “State of Hate in The Park” report early in the new year
DWBS will deliver the “State of Hate” report early in the new year
The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it will deliver its report on the state of hate in The Park early in January 2016.[pullquote]We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals.—2015 Archons, DWBS[/pullquote]
DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo addressed the issue at a press conference this morning.
“It is our duty to report that, as requested by the Archons, the members of our department have completed the task of analyzing the number and severity of incidents of a hateful and/or specist nature that occurred in The Park over the past three years. We will be presenting this report to the Archons before their term ends on January 16,” he said.
The report has been divided into three parts, Kakapo said. The first part will offer a “full analysis” of the incidents that occurred. The second part will focus on the reasons for these acts of hate, while the third part of the report will offer what Kakapo called a “range” of recommendations for reducing—and eventually eliminating—these kinds of incidents.
In their original mandate, the Archons emphasized that the perpetrators of these incidents were a “small minority.” Kakapo said the department had come to the same conclusion, but he acknowledged that The Park had seen its worst year ever in this regard and he cited the arrest of six Animals for stripespotting and the establishment of the SplotchWatch web site as evidence of that.
He concluded the press event by echoing the Archons’ words:
“We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals.”
Winter Solstice celebrations extended
BREAKING NEWS
The hours for this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice have been extended.
In a short communiqué this morning, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that the festivities will officially end at 3:00 a.m. December 22. Food stations will remain open until 2:00 a.m. and entertainment will continue until 2:30 a.m.
“Due to the lateness of the solstice itself, which will occur tonight at 11:49 Park Time (4:49 Universal Time), we thought it best to extend the official hours of the celebration,” the communiqué said.
The department confirmed that all restaurants and vendors had agreed to the extension. In addition, Herman Stoat announced an encore performance by his dance company at half past midnight.
Faramund Stinktier signs two-book deal with Prionailurus Press
Stinktier memoir, “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra” to be published next year.
Faramund Stinktier has signed a lucrative two-book deal with Prionailurus Press.
The Reekabilly star, composer, and the most famous half of the SCENTient Beings duo announced yesterday that he has come to a “very favourable arrangement” with the esteemed Park publisher.
In a separate press release, Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, confirmed the deal.
“Prionailurus Press is pleased to announce that, in keeping with our most recent mandate, we have welcomed Faramund Stinktier to our stable of writers. We look forward to working with him on two books, the first of which will be published in the coming year,” the press release said.
The name of that book, according to the press release, is “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra,” and as its title suggests, it is Stinktier’s memoir.
The singer shocked Park residents when he announced in September that he believed he was always meant to be a Zebra. He made the announcement while a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show. In the few months that have followed, he says, he has experienced “great joy” but also “enormous sorrow” due to his shunning by members of his own and other species.
The publisher’s press release contains no information on the second book, but it is believed to be a book about music.
Prionailurus Press announced last April that it intended to promote the work of The Park’s striped and spotted community and in a brief telephone interview, Yamaneko confirmed that this is the mandate to which she referred in her company’s communiqué.
SCENTient Beings will perform at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.
Last Stand to join lineup at expanded Celebration of the Winter Solstice
Last Stand, the newly-formed band whose members all hail from endangered species, will be just one of the additions to this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice, it has been announced.
At a short press event this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, confirmed not only the department’s invitation to the band but a number of other novel additions to the celebration’s lineup.
“We are taking a leaf out of the Groundhog Dog playbook,” Kanariar joked, as she listed a number of different performers and activities that will make their Winter Solstice début this year.
Along with Last Stand, whose founder and lead guitarist RAYdius tweeted out his delight at the invitation this morning, the celebration will include other musicians who have never performed at the Solstice, such as NIML. As well, there will be karaoke, stand-up comedy, poetry readings, tail painting, dancing, games, and athletics, among other things.
But Kanariar was quick to reassure attendants that all of the past celebratory items will be on the menu this year, as well.
“Our celebrants count on us to retain certain aspects of the event, and we promise we won’t let them down,” she said.
To that end, Kanariar confirmed that the celebration will include an original dance choreographed for the occasion by Herman Stoat and performed by his eponymous dance company. The entertainment will also include jugglers, clowns, a Human imitator, painting by students from the Hani Gajah School of Art, and costume dress-up events hosted by the Park Historical Society.
And, as always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. The suppliers of this year’s fare include The Cackling Goose Tavern, The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, and The Pound Gastropub. Appetizers will be served for the first two hours of the celebration courtesy of Chef Mikko Tiikeri’s The Feeding Station. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.
The complete itinerary for the event will be released shortly, Kanariar said.
The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.
