The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for January 2024

OTD in 2017—Burrowers chase Humans out of Park for photographing hibernators

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hibernatorsTwo Park burrowers are being hailed as heroes today, after police confirmed they ran a group of Humans out of The Park when they found them photographing Animals in hibernation.

At a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, praised Rodrigo Coelho and Lucjan Królik, whose quick thinking, Addax said, “preserved the privacy and safety of our hibernating community.”

According to Inspector Addax, the two burrowers spotted what they believed were a couple of illegal holes near their own burrows. After further investigation, they found a cache of small video and still cameras, and several sets of Human footprints. Before they had time to call Park Police, the group of Humans returned, and the two burrowers ran them out of The Park. Police are now in possession of the cameras.

The pair, who attended the press conference this morning, say they don’t feel like heroes at all.

Królik, who calls himself, “an ordinary burrower,” told reporters the actions of the Humans offended his sense of propriety.

“I wasn’t even thinking about the law when I saw them [the Humans]. I was thinking that our vulnerable citizens needed protection and I was going to make sure they got it.”

For his part, Coelho said he could only imagine what it must feel like to be violated by Humans while you’re in hibernation.

“It’s just not right. I have many friends in the hibernating community and I know their lives are difficult. They don’t need any added stress, or the fear that their every movement will be recorded while they try to survive the Winter,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Developing story: Gunnar Rotte claims he was assaulted at bakery outside Park

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Gunnar RotteDEVELOPING STORY
Journalist Gunnar Espen Rotte, who gained notoriety in December when he published a controversial editorial in the Rodent Commoner, claims that he was assaulted this morning when he was shopping at a bakery outside The Park.

Rotte, whose opinion piece was entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” has been the target of threats since early December. He spent two weeks in hiding and was the recipient of personal security from Park Police until January 1.

Rotte told The Mammalian Daily in a call from his burrow that that he had gone on a “usual” excursion outside The Park to buy some pastries for a small gathering he is hosting tonight.

“As soon as I walked into the place, I could feel the tension,” Rotte said.

The bakery was filled with customers, most of them Humans, and Rotte said he just wanted to place his order and leave.

“But before I knew it, they’d mobilized. One got a broom; another got a spray can. I went behind the counter, picked up two pies, threw my money at the server and ran,” he said. “I didn’t even wait for the change.”

Rotte was visibly shaken when he returned to The Park, his friends say.

“He ran into his burrow and stayed there for about an hour. Then he called us to say he was all right.”

OTD in 2010: Groundhog Day fest victim of Park’s economic woes

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The mood is sombre in the office of Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr.

“No one envies me these days,” says the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Less than two weeks before one of the biggest events in The Park’s calendar, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has slashed his budget, sending Whistlepig scrambling out of his hibernaculum to make sure this year’s celebrations properly reflect the tenor of the festivities.

“This holiday is a major Park occasion. It signals the coming of Spring, the renewal of life, the hope of the future. It is not just about a prediction; it is about a certainty — the certainty that we have survived, and that we will thrive, no matter what we face,” Whistlepig proclaims.

While Whistlepig says he “disputes” the notion that the celebration requires a big budget, he believes it is a mistake to tone down celebrations, particularly at a time of hardship.

“I don’t believe in restraint when it comes to celebrations. I think they [the Department] are underestimating the resilience of Park Animals. We will get through this [economic] tunnel and come out the other end. Saving a few Ftoo here and there is not going to make any difference to the outcome.”

Regardless of the size of the celebration, Whistlepig is confident that all Animals will enjoy the festivities.

“This is not a celebration to miss,” he says. “No matter how big or small, it is a very important part of The Park’s social season, and it speaks to our sense of ourselves as Park citizens. No one should miss it.”

Groundhog Day celebrations will begin 1 Barnabus with the prediction of 28 AZ POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring), Elisabetta Mary Marmot. The prediction is expected to occur any time between 07:33 and 07:49. Following the sealing of the Proclamation, the Archons will deliver their annual Groundhog Day address. The Groundhog Day Parade is scheduled to begin at 08:30, followed by the 2-kilometre tunnel race. Food stations will remain open from 08:00 until 3:00.. The full Groundhog Day schedule will be posted at the Law Courts on 28 Proto.

OTD in 2016—Scented TV update: Animals remain hospitalized as investigations continue

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Vertebrate Vision TVEighty per cent of Park Animals who were hospitalized after watching a scented television show on December 27 remain in hospital, according to a joint update issued by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS),

The Animals were among those who arrived at the hospital roughly a half-hour into the show’s broadcast on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV). Their symptoms included dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems, and hair loss.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like what happened here that night,” said Hermione Hippo, the Park Hospital’s head nurse, at a short press conference last week.

The holiday show was a joint project of VVTV, Chef Tab Tricolore, and gewper, The Park’s only scented social networking site. RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the companies that supplied the show’s scent, now find themselves under investigation by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), while VVTV launched its own investigation on December 28. The findings of that investigation are expected to be made public sometime in March, a VVTV spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.

Meanwhile, the sickly cohort is expected to remain at the hospital at least until the middle of the month, Hippo says.

“They’re just beginning to be able to walk without toppling over, and they’re taking small amounts of food. They’re moving in a positive direction, but very slowly,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Lawsuit brought by Simply Structures may “have legs,” says legal expert

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jgroundhogdayThe lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.

At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.

According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.

Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.

“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.

The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.

OTD in 2016—Zoocracy still unpopular with Animals outside The Park: book

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In Spite (1)A new book authored by three distinguished professors at the University of West Terrier suggests that zoocracy is still a hard sell outside The Park.

The book, entitled, “In Spite of Ourselves: Animal Attitudes Toward Zoocracy Outside The Park,” has caused quite a stir here and has garnered both positive and negative reviews, as citizens and media attempt to digest the authors’ conclusions.

“I admit that it’s difficult to understand their [Animals outside The Park] perspective, but I don’t think that difficulty should negate the significance of our findings,” says Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the UWT’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy.

Those findings suggest that Animals who live outside The Park, and particularly those who live either in a domestic situation or in close contact with Humans, are reluctant to give up what they believe to be their “perks” for what they perceive to be a much more difficult life.

“In some cases, it is a misperception, while in other cases, we would have to agree that some Animals who live with Humans have a much easier life, at least in terms of food security and housing,” says Fionnula L. Fox, a UWT professor law who specializes in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

Still, as psychology professor Luule Aednik points out, much of that so-called security is tenuous.

“When we look—just even at our immigration and refugee statistics here in The Park—we see that Animals who had thought they would be safe and well-cared for indefinitely have had to face abandonment and worse. That is how they’ve come to be Park citizens in the first place,” she says.

All three authors admit, however, that it is difficult to persuade Animals who believe they are living “the good life” to trade that in for total responsibility, not just for themselves, but for their fellow citizens.

“The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. What we do know for certain is that it is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition. It’s a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make. In many cases, they simply are not willing to sacrifice short-term comfort for long-term gain,” Aednik says.

OTD in 2014: Massive crowd greets opening of Park’s Otter Ice Slide

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An enthusiastic crowd gathered this afternoon to witness the 2014 opening of The Park’s Otter Ice Slide.

The Slide, which is the favourite recreational venue of The Park’s Otter families, operates annually from January 6 until March 13. But today marked the first time it had been open since January 10 of last year, when the Department of Well-Being and Safety shut it down following the accident suffered by Boldizsar Vidra. On January 9, Vidra was injured when his coat got stuck on the Slide’s ice as he was travelling down it at a high speed.

Budget cutbacks and questionable weather purchases were blamed for the dangerous ice conditions on the Slide. Vidra recovered after a long convalescence, but several groups lobbied to keep the Slide closed permanently.

At the opening ceremony this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo assured attendees that conditions on the Slide would be watched closely and attended to immediately.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety takes the welfare of Park Animals very seriously. Any great fluctuations in temperature or anything else that affects the condition of the Slide’s ice will be dealt with in a timely fashion,” he said.

On This Day in 2014: Arctic temperatures may add stress to job of POPS: expert

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The Arctic-like temperatures that have overtaken The Park over the past few weeks may end up adding stress to the job of our 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), says at least one expert in the field.

Speaking with talk show host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Park psychotherapist Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon said she believed that come Groundhog Day, 2014 POPS Solange Graciela Marmotte will be under a lot of pressure to predict an early Spring.

“She will want to be the bearer of good news but if, indeed, she does see her shadow, she must tell us so. That will be a very difficult thing for her to do and I have no doubt she will find that conflict extremely stressful,” Gibbon said.

Gibbon, who is in private practice but is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, said she believes that even though Marmotte is in hibernation, she is aware of the difficult Winter we are having.

“I think, subconsciously, she may even be struggling with a form of ‘hibernators’ guilt’ and be feeling a high degree of tension due to the sympathy she is feeling for her non-hibernating compatriots. I think our POPS is in a very difficult position this year,” Gibbon said.

OTD in 2015: Interview with Thisbe, Part One: “Life is what happens after the credits roll.”

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ThisbeA partial transcript of the Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio) interview with Thisbe, hosted by Winsell Tamarin and broadcast live December 3, 2014, appears below. Please note, this transcript has been edited due to space limitations.

WT: Welcome, Thisbe. It’s a great privilege to talk to you today.
T: Thank you, Winsell. It’s a privilege to be here.
WT: I’d like to start off, if you don’t mind, by addressing some of your fans’ concerns about your upcoming tour and your career decisions in the last decade.
T: Yes, that’s fine. I knew you would want to talk about that.
WT: You embarked on a farewell tour some years ago—
T: Yes. 2007
WT: 2007. And—
T: And I fell ill and we cancelled the tour because we didn’t know when I would be well enough to resume work. And the Barkettes … particularly Estelle … had other commitments, so—
WT: And that brings me to my question. Not about the tour. About your relationship … with the Barkettes. There have been many rumours, as I presume you know, that you aren’t particularly close. Some even say that you aren’t on speaking terms.
T: That’s nonsense. I mean, about not being on speaking terms. Of course we’re on speaking terms. We practically grew up together. But, are we close? Who is to be the judge of that? We have all lived our own lives, even while performing together and spending almost every waking moment together for many years. We are our own Canines. But we care about each other. Deeply. And, to a great extent, we understand each other. Perhaps more than any other Canines could ever understand the five of us. And not just because we’ve been together for so long.
WT: And Noreen? What is your relationship with Noreen these days? I see that she dedicated her book to you.
T: Noreen is a very special Canine. We have a special relationship that defies definition. I was the one who rejected her as a Barkette, so I was the one who had to live with that guilt for years. I was afraid it would destroy her, but she is the most resilient Animal I’ve ever met. In the end, it was she who helped me to survive, rather than the other way around.
WT: So, would you say that you are close friends?
T: I don’t understand why you keep asking that kind of question. Noreen has her own special abilities and she has her own life. However close or not close we are, is our business.
WT: We’ll move on. What do you hope to gain through this new tour?
T: Gain? I don’t think we hope to gain anything, per se. We are continuing with our careers, after a hiatus of about 7 years. We did do a few concerts together during that time, but we didn’t tour. The Barkettes, themselves, toured and pursued other interests. Mercedes went back to school; Lorraine has a number of charities that she works with; Carmen loves to garden and Estelle has done a number of television spots. We have all been busy. We are not returning from the depths. We are all well and happy and ready to start a new phase in our lives.
WT: What did you mean when you said that Noreen helped you to survive?
T: As you know, I was very ill for a long time and part of my illness was diagnosed as melancholia. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I was frustrated and agitated a lot of the time and I took to chasing my tail. I didn’t know how to move forward. As I’ve said to others in the past few years, life is what happens after the credits roll and I found out quite quickly that I didn’t like it and that I really didn’t know how to deal with life. It was something I’d been able to avoid by working so much. My concerns weren’t of the everyday kind; they were all career-related. When I was faced with the sorts of things that most Canines … most Animals are … I didn’t know what to do. It was Noreen who steered me in the right direction.
WT: How so?
T: She visited me one day and gently suggested to me that there were certain truths about my life and my upbringing that I hadn’t faced head-on … that I had spent many years running away from who I really was and, even more than that, who I was supposed to be. She said maybe it was time for me to take a look at all that. 

END OF PART I
Stay tuned for PART II: “I was made for the shows.”

OTD in 2017: Thank you, thank you, thank you, and goodnight: Barkettes at work on memoir

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halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes are at work on a memoir, according to the gossip web site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo writes that she spoke to a musician “very close to Thisbe” who told her the singers are collaborating on a book that takes a “three hundred and sixty degree view” of their career.

Though Guacamayo did not name her source, many in the music business believe it to be a member of the Poodle duo Belles and Whistles, whom the Barkettes mentored secretly for years.

According to Guacamayo’s source, the project has been in the works for a while, but it didn’t begin as a book.

“The original idea was a television series, but with all their projects, the singers didn’t think they could commit to a filming schedule. They decided to switch to writing a book, because it didn’t require them to be in the same place or to keep a fixed schedule,” Guacamayo writes on the site.

If headsNtales is correct, perhaps we can look forward to reliving some of those halcyon days with the Barkettes.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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