Original Publication Date: 11 April 2012

The latest economic figures released by The Park’s Finance Office indicate that Animals whose coats are striped or spotted have a tougher time securing full-time employment than those with coats of solid or mixed colours.

The 2011 statistics, known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats” were compiled for Finance Office use by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. Their release today caused an uproar among Animals of every stripe.

“This paints a very bleak picture of Park life and attitudes” said Aiofe Badger, current President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band and a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. “This is not the kind of [economic] result that Jor would have been proud of.”

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said the figures came as no surprise to her. “Some of our members have a terrible time finding work and they all know why, even though they can’t prove it,” she said.

Dominick Skiro, of The Park Alliance of Chipmunks, called the statistics “a crushing disappointment” and “something that challenges our belief in The Park’s system.”

At The Tabby Club, though, (the pub established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy), there was much frustration but little surprise among the clientele.

“I think Jor had the right idea…the right vision, being a Tabby, himself,” said Donal Ronnach. “But it’s obviously still just an ideal. It’s hard to overcome old prejudices.”

Prejudice against stripes and spots dates back thousands of years, says historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

“Not surprisingly, it started with Humans and and the way they treated striped and spotted Animals,” she says. “They were suspicious of them, considered them evil and the bearers of bad luck. That kind of thinking eventually made its way into the minds of Animals and this is the result.”

But, at The Tabby Club, no one cares very much how it all began.

“The most important thing is that it should come to an end,” says Ronnach. “Right now.”

Original Publication Date: 3 March 2014

Proponents of abolishing hibernation in The Park may discover they have a new friend in their corner: the latest figures released by The Park Finance Office and The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).[pullquote]How can we expect the economy to function properly when a significant portion of our citizens exist in a state of torpor in both the Winter and Summer seasons? — Xavier Dingo, A. Corn and Partners[/pullquote]

The most recent reports show significant fourth quarter gains in all sectors of The Park’s economy, but particularly in the retail and construction sectors. While these gains were predicted by most analysts and are believed to be a result of 2013’s extended pre-hibernation period, there are some who feel these figures highlight the precariousness of The Park’s economy during the periods of hibernation and estivation.

“How can we expect the economy to function properly when a significant portion of our citizens exist in a state of torpor in both the Winter and Summer seasons?” asked Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners, at a recent economic forum.

Dingo has never publicly suggested that hibernation should be abolished, perhaps because his company offers specialized financial services to The Park’s large hibernation and estivation communities. But at the recent forum, he was forthright in his reservations about continuing with the status quo.

“Our economy has stagnated for the past few years and, eventually, The Park will have to face up to its unique problems. We are not singling out any group, but our economic challenges here [in The Park] have become significant. We need to engage all our citizens in a serious conversation about how best to grow the economy. Otherwise, we will become vulnerable to forces that do not have our best interests at heart,” he said.

See also:
Park’s retail, construction sectors expected to post strong gains after extended pre-hibernation period

Original Publication Date: 31 January 2012

With two days to go before Groundhog Day, Thisbe and the Barkettes are set to re-release one of their earliest hits.

A spokesanimal for Rotunda Records confirmed this morning that one of the Barkettes’ most popular and controversial songs, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed, has been digitally re-mastered and will be available for download this afternoon.

The song, upon which Varden Spaniel’s film is based, was a runaway hit when it was first released over a decade ago. It proved controversial, however, when a few critics called it a “sellout hit” and accused the Barkettes of promoting the role of Animals as the pets of Humans.

“Lyrics such as ‘Stuffed Dogs don’t shed/or break your heart/Don’t snuggle in bed/or inspire art’ serve as a clarion call to Humans to adopt living Animals rather than stuffed replicas,” said a review in The Ruminant Free Press.

The Barkettes never directly addressed the controversy, even though it was well-known that at least three of the group’s members were living with Humans at the time they recorded the song.

Some of The Park’s political pundits believe there is a significance to the date of the song’s re-release. During yesterday’s special forum, hosted by Yannis Tavros of Toro Talk Radio, Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, expressed his view that “the composition of the 2012 government might lead to a more pro-Human stance in policy.” Grouse was referring to the fact that, of the 35 Archons selected by lottery this year, a larger number than usual belong to species that have a history of being companions to Humans. Grouse reiterated his statement this morning, adding that he thought the song’s re-release in anticipation of the Archons’ address on Groundhog Day might be an attempt to “soften the impact of their [the Archons’] planned policy direction.”

The Barkettes have made no official comment on the re-release of their song.

Related article: Barkettes documentary to open Park film festival

Original Publication Date: 28 January 2012

In a move that has has caught many in the tech and media sectors by surprise, The Park’s most successful social media site, GooseBook, has unveiled its ambitious plans for expansion.

In a statement released today, the company confirmed its plans to open site membership to all species in The Park.

“The popularity and success of GooseBook has proven that it has great potential for growth across the broad spectrum of species that inhabit The Park,” said GooseBook’s President and C.E.O., Lester C. Gander.

In addition, GooseBook’s executives confirmed that they plan to roll out a pair of related social media sites, most likely in the second quarter of the year. The company has not released any information about the new sites other than their names: “Cackle” and “Peck.”

According to insiders, one of the sites will be a “communication” site and the other may be an internet search engine.

GooseBook was the brainchild of the late Cesar Emilio Gander, who founded the site while a student at the University of West Terrier. After his untimely death, the site experienced a surge in membership. That surge continued until last summer, when rival site Gewper opened its virtual doors. Since then, both sites have competed neck and neck for members, with GooseBook maintaining a slight lead over the more innovative Gewper.

 

Original Publication Date: 3 February 2010

An outbreak of violence during an otherwise peaceful demonstration threatened to mar Groundhog Day festivities and overshadow the message of hope and renewal delivered by the Archons in their annual address.

The demonstration, which was held to protest The Park’s policy of open immigration, began outside the Law Courts at approximately 08:30, just minutes after the Archons concluded their address.

Participants described the demonstration as “initially peaceful,” until a particularly aggressive groups of Animals, wielding heavy placards, hijacked the cause and “beat up on the [other] participants.”

“It got ugly pretty quick,” said Randall Rhinoceros, a protester who was taken to the Park Hospital with injuries to his feet and snout.

While hundreds of Animals were treated for their injuries as a result of the violence, there are reports that some injured Animals were hauled off to jail before they received any treatment at all. Some of those involved blame the Guard Dogs for a substantial number of the injuries that were incurred in the demonstration.

“They were too quick off the mark, as far as I’m concerned,” said Yvonne Aardvark. “They didn’t wait to find out who was causing the trouble. They just rounded everybody up and sent them to jail.”

An investigation into the incident is underway, according to The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace, Raymond H. Mink.

Original Publication Date: 26 January 2012

Some of The Park’s best known political pundits will weigh in on our new government this coming Monday as guests of Toro Talk Radio host, Yannis Tavros.

Manfred Stier, a spokesanimal for the radio station, confirmed today that Yannis Tavros will relinquish his usual talk show format on January 30 to moderate a forum “about the future of The Park and the direction that the 2012 government will take.”

Invited forum guests will include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism (UWT), Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Other participants include Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, and Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post.

The participants plan to discuss everything from the political and philosophical leanings of the 2012 Archons to the economy, immigration reform, currency amalgamation, and tourism.

“Nothing is off-limits in this discussion,” said Stier.

Original Publication Date: 23 January 2012

For the first time in Park history, a semi-aquatic Animal was sworn in as Chief Archon of The Park’s 2012 government.

In a moving ceremony held this morning at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt took the oath of office as Chief Archon in front of a crowd of thousands.

“This is a historic day,” said Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who presided over the event and administered the oath of office to all 35 Animals who will serve as Archons this year. “We should all be proud to be Park citizens.”

While thousands of Animals braved the bitter cold to attend the ceremony at the Theatre, an estimated 700,000 others watched the political process play out from the comfort of their own dwellings. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, dedicated its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

“We believe strongly in the Zoocratic process and we are proud and honoured to have a part in it,” said a statement released yesterday by PBC Executives.

Among those in attendance at the event were representatives of all The Park’s Citizen Aid and Action Associations, including proxy representatives of The Park’s many hibernating communities.

Original Publication Date: 10 January 2010

The mood is sombre in the office of Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr.

“No one envies me these days,” says the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Less than two weeks before one of the biggest events in The Park’s calendar, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has slashed his budget, sending Whistlepig scrambling out of his hibernaculum to make sure this year’s celebrations properly reflect the tenor of the festivities.

“This holiday is a major Park occasion. It signals the coming of Spring, the renewal of life, the hope of the future. It is not just about a prediction; it is about a certainty — the certainty that we have survived, and that we will thrive, no matter what we face,” Whistlepig proclaims.

While Whistlepig says he “disputes” the notion that the celebration requires a big budget, he believes it is a mistake to tone down celebrations, particularly at a time of hardship.

“I don’t believe in restraint when it comes to celebrations. I think they [the Department] are underestimating the resilience of Park Animals. We will get through this [economic] tunnel and come out the other end. Saving a few Ftoo here and there is not going to make any difference to the outcome.”

Regardless of the size of the celebration, Whistlepig is confident that all Animals will enjoy the festivities.

“This is not a celebration to miss,” he says. “No matter how big or small, it is a very important part of The Park’s social season, and it speaks to our sense of ourselves as Park citizens. No one should miss it.”

Groundhog Day celebrations will begin 1 Barnabus with the prediction of 28 AZ POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring), Elisabetta Mary Marmot. The prediction is expected to occur any time between 07:33 and 07:49. Following the sealing of the Proclamation, the Archons will deliver their annual Groundhog Day address. The Groundhog Day Parade is scheduled to begin at 08:30, followed by the 2-kilometre tunnel race. Food stations will remain open from 08:00 until 3:00.. The full Groundhog Day schedule will be posted at the Law Courts on 28 Proto.

Original Publication Date: 28 August 2014

This Autumn, the AVN Television Network (AVN TV) will begin broadcasting a new live television series that will focus on Humans as they spend time in The Park.[pullquote]This show is truly for the Birds. It will be amazing … watching them watch us watching them.” – AVN TV Program Director Izrine Corneille   [/pullquote]

AVN’s Chief Executive Officer Orville Condor and Program Director Izrine Corneille made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“We [at AVN TV] have a unique perspective on The Park, and we want to use that perspective to serve our customers,” Corneille said. “This show is truly for the Birds. It will be amazing … watching them watch us watching them.”

Corneille said the show will be broadcast for two hours (one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon) every day of the week. The network’s initial contract with the show’s producers calls for the series to run for 12 consecutive months.

“We wanted to show Humans in every season, starting with the Autumn,” Condor said. 

The show is scheduled to begin on September 22.

AVN Television is a wholly-owned subsidiary of AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, CLucK Radio and The Avian Messenger.