Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was mobbed last night, according to witnesses, as he attempted to enter the Park Cinema for the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards presentation.
I do not endorse the use of spitballs for political purposes.— Stan the Spit Man
Several attendees, some of whom were producers whose films were up for awards, said that four of the Guard Dogs stationed at the entrance had to intervene when a group representing the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) started to bite Struts as he passed by.
One witness said that some of the Animals pulled at Struts’s feathers, while another confirmed that “more than one” sent spitballs his way.
“They were hopping mad [about the budget] and they weren’t going to let him pass without letting him know,” said one source who wished to remain anonymous.
Other Animals claimed that Stan the Spit Man, whose signature slogan is “Spitballs from Heaven!” instigated the attack on Struts as a publicity stunt to promote his business.
“There was sort of a pop-up spit shop right behind the Park Cinema. I saw it,” said witness Konrad Eule.
Calls to Stan the Spit Man have not been answered directly, but through a spokesAnimal, Stan denied any involvement in the campaign against Struts.
“Stan the Spit Man does not involve himself in politics,” the spokesAnimal said. “Nor does he endorse the use of spitballs for political purposes.”
Struts, who was ushered into the Cinema for the awards presentation, was not seen exiting at the end of the evening. He is believed to have stayed at the Cinema until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.