The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2016—Security workers threaten bark-to-rule action over right to bite policy

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers

The Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) is threatening to stage a bark-to-rule action unless Park administration reinstates the right of officers to bite offenders “when necessary.”[pullquote]Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority.—Gareth Shepherd, President, Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW)[/pullquote]

The federation of over four hundred officers, which forms the backbone of The Park’s Police Force, has been in talks with administration regarding this issue for the past two months. But so far, says FCSW president Gareth Shepherd, they have come to no satisfactory resolution.

“Park administration doesn’t appear to understand our position in this matter,” he told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“We are asking for the right to bite only as a last resort. Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority,” he said.

Even though The Park’s Police Force has had a no-biting policy in place for almost twenty-five years, several FCSW officers have been charged with doing so in recent years. Shepherd, himself, was suspended from duty in February of 2013, after he was charged with biting members of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) during a roundup. He was later cleared of the charges and reinstated.

The FCSW’s position is that the realities of modern Park life make a change in policy necessary, but Park administration says it remains unconvinced.

“This seems like a step backward to us and until we view it otherwise, we are not inclined to alter the policy,” a spokesAnimal told the Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2016—ASIS head to replace Mink at UWT event

By

ASIS HeadC. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), will replace Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink as speaker at the 2016 University of West Terrier Open House on January 29, it was announced today.

Mink bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was sworn in as 2016 Chief Archon, explaining that he felt his focus should be on governing at this time.

In a brief statement that appeared on the university’s web site, the UWT President and Governors thanked Ant for accepting the invitation “on such short notice.”

The ASIS head, who is perhaps best known for her leadership of the brilliant team that prevented the destruction of an entire Ant colony, will be speaking about the rôle that higher education plays in investigative police work and in the maintenance of interspecial harmony in general.

The university’s full announcement about the Open House appears on its web site.

OTD in 2016—Police trainees find more lucrative positions outside Park: report

By

police_dogA report released today says that a significant number of Park Police trainees and graduates are opting to accept full-time positions outside The Park.

The report, which was commissioned by the Archons and conducted by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), found that at least eighteen percent of those who graduated within the past five years have availed themselves of employment opportunities in Human police forces outside The Park.

“We are bleeding our brightest and our best,” Kakapo said at a press conference outside Park police headquarters this morning.

Faced with these figures, Kakapo said The Park has no choice but to address the problems that are facing the force. He cited one statistic he called “particularly alarming,” and that is that at least one quarter of the eighteen percent who left  listed their top three reasons for the move as better pay, more respect from the public, and less interference from their superiors.

Kakapo said he plans to sit down this weekend with Gareth Shepherd, head of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) to discuss what can be done to keep trainees and graduates in The Park.

“This is a crisis situation and we plan to address it as such,” Kakapo said.

On This Day—October 7, 2016: Officer charged with injuring Doe of Peace at PIFF after-after party

By

Police Officer charged

FCSW officer Paulus Koer

A Park Police officer has been charged with two counts of biting after a member of The Park’s peacekeeping force was injured during an outbreak of violence at last night’s PIFF after-after party.

Witnesses say that Doe of Peace Rozmonda Ricke, was “just doing her job,” separating the crowd at The PurrBoy Café, when a member of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) approached her from behind and pulled her tail.

According to Ricke, who has been a member of the Does since the group was founded in 2014, there was “no time” to look around to see what was happening.

“I was focused on my job, which was to de-escalate the violence that suddenly had erupted at the café,” she said in a sworn statement early this morning.

When she did not respond to the tail-pulling, Paulus Koer, the FCSW officer, allegedly bit her on the back in an attempt to stop her from walking through the crowd. According to his statement, the second bite was necessary because the alleged victim “paid no attention to my first warning.”

The FCSW officer will appear in court today, where a date for trial will be set.

FCSW president Gareth Shepherd is expected to hold a press conference later this afternoon.

Officer charged with injuring Doe of Peace at PIFF after-after party

By

Police Officer charged

FCSW officer Paulus Koer

A Park Police officer has been charged with two counts of biting after a member of The Park’s peacekeeping force was injured during an outbreak of violence at last night’s PIFF after-after party.

Witnesses say that Doe of Peace Rozmonda Ricke, was “just doing her job,” separating the crowd at The PurrBoy Café, when a member of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) approached her from behind and pulled her tail.

According to Ricke, who has been a member of the Does since the group was founded in 2014, there was “no time” to look around to see what was happening.

“I was focused on my job, which was to de-escalate the violence that suddenly had erupted at the café,” she said in a sworn statement early this morning.

When she did not respond to the tail-pulling, Paulus Koer, the FCSW officer, allegedly bit her on the back in an attempt to stop her from walking through the crowd. According to his statement, the second bite was necessary because the alleged victim “paid no attention to my first warning.”

The FCSW officer will appear in court today, where a date for trial will be set.

FCSW president Gareth Shepherd is expected to hold a press conference later this afternoon.

Police trainees find more lucrative positions outside Park: report

By

police_dogA report released today says that a significant number of Park Police trainees and graduates are opting to accept full-time positions outside The Park.

The report, which was commissioned by the Archons and conducted by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), found that at least eighteen percent of those who graduated within the past five years have availed themselves of employment opportunities in Human police forces outside The Park.

“We are bleeding our brightest and our best,” Kakapo said at a press conference outside Park police headquarters this morning.

Faced with these figures, Kakapo said The Park has no choice but to address the problems that are facing the force. He cited one statistic he called “particularly alarming,” and that is that at least one quarter of the eighteen percent who left  listed their top three reasons for the move as better pay, more respect from the public, and less interference from their superiors.

Kakapo said he plans to sit down this weekend with Gareth Shepherd, head of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) to discuss what can be done to keep trainees and graduates in The Park.

“This is a crisis situation and we plan to address it as such,” Kakapo said.

Security workers threaten bark-to-rule action over right to bite policy

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers

The Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) is threatening to stage a bark-to-rule action unless Park administration reinstates the right of officers to bite offenders “when necessary.”[pullquote]Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority.—Gareth Shepherd, President, Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW)[/pullquote]

The federation of over four hundred officers, which forms the backbone of The Park’s Police Force, has been in talks with administration regarding this issue for the past two months. But so far, says FCSW president Gareth Shepherd, they have come to no satisfactory resolution.

“Park administration doesn’t appear to understand our position in this matter,” he told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“We are asking for the right to bite only as a last resort. Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority,” he said.

Even though The Park’s Police Force has had a no-biting policy in place for almost twenty-five years, several FCSW officers have been charged with doing so in recent years. Shepherd, himself, was suspended from duty in February of 2013, after he was charged with biting members of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) during a roundup. He was later cleared of the charges and reinstated.

The FCSW’s position is that the realities of modern Park life make a change in policy necessary, but Park administration says it remains unconvinced.

“This seems like a step backward to us and until we view it otherwise, we are not inclined to alter the policy,” a spokesAnimal told the Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2016—ASIS head to replace Mink at UWT event

By

ASIS HeadC. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), will replace Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink as speaker at the 2016 University of West Terrier Open House on January 29, it was announced today.

Mink bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was sworn in as 2016 Chief Archon, explaining that he felt his focus should be on governing at this time.

In a brief statement that appeared on the university’s web site, the UWT President and Governors thanked Ant for accepting the invitation “on such short notice.”

The ASIS head, who is perhaps best known for her leadership of the brilliant team that prevented the destruction of an entire Ant colony, will be speaking about the rôle that higher education plays in investigative police work and in the maintenance of interspecial harmony in general.

The university’s full announcement about the Open House appears on its web site.

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