Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 9 May 2012

If “woe is me” describes the way you’re feeling after Sunday’s Mating Dance, take heart. A new study shows that at least a third of those who attend mating events such as Sunday’s dance suffer some kind of psychological letdown in the days and weeks that follow.

The results of the study, which was conducted by Dr. Chloris Cougar at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, also suggest that finding the right mate may be more complicated for Animals today than it was for our forebears.

“I truly believe it was simpler then,” Dr. Cougar said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The researcher, who is renowned for her groundbreaking study of Feline depression, “Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” and for her work on Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), says that her new study shows that planned mating events can, sometimes, have a backfire effect on the participants.

“I think part of the reason is that these [planned] events raise expectations so high that they just can’t be met,” she said.

“The result is, predictably, a letdown…a deflation of sorts. But, rather than deflating our ridiculously-high expectations, these events tend to deflate our hopes of finding a suitable mate, while leaving those unrealistic expectations of others intact.”

Dr. Cougar says it is best to take it slowly and to pace yourself, in order to avoid the frenzy of a planned mating event.

“If you do choose to attend one, try to see it as a social gathering and try to enjoy the company. Try not to pressure yourself and others and do your best not to respond to the pressure of others on you,” she advises.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 30 May 2013

Displaying what some have called a “take charge attitude,” the 2013 Archons have proclaimed June the first annual “Enforced Domestication Awareness” month in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning outside the law courts, Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Rhinoceros spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“In declaring this coming month of June the first annual Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers. This proclamation, dated 30 May 2013, signals our willingness to meet head-on one of the greatest challenges The Park has ever faced. Due to the economic downturn, we have lost many of our best and brightest to the outside world. The Park cannot afford such a brain drain. We must work toward solving our economic problems so that there exists no need to look beyond our borders for survival. And, with this awareness campaign, we hope to inform and educate Park citizens and residents about the reality of enforced domestication, so that they will be able to resist the temptation to engage with those who might tempt them to sacrifice their freedom,” she said.

While experts in the field stop short of calling the problem “Animalnapping,” the official definition of enforced domestication was broadened last year to include “enticement.” This expands the original definition of “the physical removal of Animals from The Park, without their consent, for the purpose of using them for service or companionship in a domestic situation.” According to The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records and Well-Being and Safety, ninety-nine per cent of enforced domestications are committed by Humans.

Planned events in support of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month include workshops, a series of public service announcements that will be broadcast on all Park television and radio stations and screenings of short films about the topic. As well, the Chief Archon advised that during the month of June an information booth staffed by workers from  Runaway Rovers will be installed beside the Ancient Oak Tree. The group, which provides assistance to formerly domestic Canines, has published a series of educational brochures entitled, “Enforced Domestication: It Could Happen to You.”  These will be distributed free of charge throughout June.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 23 January 2012

Chitter Radio, one of The Park’s most popular talk radio stations, has brought The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) back from the brink.

At a press conference this morning, Chitter President and C.E.O., Albana Ketri, confirmed that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards.

“We are delighted to announce that Chitter Radio will be the exclusive sponsor of the 2012 Park Annual Literary Awards. We look forward to forging a strong connection with the Awards and see this as a great opportunity to promote literacy both inside and outside The Park,” she said.

The Awards had previously been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, but budgetary constraints forced it to renege on its promise of funding for the 2012 season.

At the press conference, Ketri emphasized that Chitter Radio considers its association with PALA to be both a “privilege and a responsibility” and stated that Chitter Radio is “unequivocally committed”  to maintaining the high standards and integrity with which PALA is associated.

The Park Annual Literary Awards take place 15 June.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 29 April 2014

It’s a veritable title wave!

Renowned Park novelist Hentrick Olifant announced that he is retiring from fiction writing and has decided to auction off all his unused titles.

In a short statement released today, Olifant thanked his readers for their many years of loyalty and said his plans for the future do not include novel writing.

“My days of writing fiction are over. With the years left to me, I would like to pursue other endeavours, including rest, but before I do so, I wish to thank my many readers for their loyalty. As you well know, my life in The Park predates zoocracy and should I decide at some point to resume writing, it would most likely be in the form of history or personal memoir,” the statement said.

Olifant is known as one of The Park’s most prolific writers and experts estimate that the number of titles put up for auction could be in the thousands.

“He is a great thinker as well as a great writer and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes up in the auction,” says Park historian Pieter Paaard.

Best known for his novel, Grasses, Leaves, Bamboo, Bark, which won the 2006  award for fiction at the Park Annual Literary Awards (now Chitter Radio Literary Awards), Olifant also served as a Park Archon in 27 AZ (2009).

According to his representatives, Olifant intends to donate all proceeds from the title auction to Park charities.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 25 May 2012

Bowing to pressure from a number of citizen action groups, The University of West Terrier announced today that it will dispense with admission requirements as of the academic year 2012-2013.

In a statement released late this afternoon, the President and the Governors of the University outlined the institution’s “Plan of Action” for the future and explained the changes that will occur.

While, strictly speaking, admission requirements will be eliminated, the statement said, the University’s grading system and the requirements for post-graduate admission will remain intact.

“Essentially, the University will be moving from a system of undergraduate admission requirements to that of a system of academic maintenance requirements,” the statement read.

According to a spokesAnimal for the University, academic maintenance requirements systems have worked well in other educational institutions.

“The idea is to allow all students to enter the academic programmes of their choice. They are, then, closely monitored and those who do not meet the standards required to maintain their place in the programme are asked to leave,” the spokesAnimal explained.

The statement released by the University said that the new directive is “consistent with the University’s policy of equal opportunity and inclusion” and that the move is in keeping with the institution’s policy of recognizing and valuing the differences among the species.

“This move will align our student admission policy with our staff hiring policy, which is regarded as one of the most forward-thinking policies in academia. We look forward to welcoming able students of all species and languages and to benefitting from their experience and way of life,” the statement read.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 20 March 2013

With Tulip season about to begin, workers at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm are preparing for long days, overnight stays, and time spent away from their families.

“It’s going to be difficult, but we’ve got the staff and supplies in place to do it and we believe we’re ready for whatever comes at us,” says head nurse Hermione Hippo.

The hospital has been preparing for a busy Spring since the end of November, when the 2013 Tulip Map was recalled. Officially known as the “Map of Tulip and other Bulb Beds in The Park and Environs,” the map is produced annually by The Park’s hibernating associations and is used in the Spring by a large number of The Park’s residents as a tool for sourcing food.

The discovery by the map’s producers of the presence of toxic substances in the bulbs’ planting areas meant that the map would be unsafe for use this Spring. Unfortunately, its subsequent recall came too late for the majority of The Park’s hibernators and doctors fear that even the Department of Well-Being and Safety’s public service campaign will not be sufficient to stem the tide of devastation due to Tulip-Related Illness (TRI).

“We’ve already treated a large number of Animals who presented with the signs and symptoms of TRI,” says Dr. Nuo Dingas, the hospital’s chief clinical toxicologist. “And they were the early risers, a small minority of our hibernating population. We are gearing up for an onslaught now that Spring has arrived,” he said.

TRI is not new to The Park, Dr. Dingas says. But, until recently, we have been able to keep it at bay.

“It is impossible to predict with one hundred per cent accuracy the location of all toxins inside and outside The Park so, of course, Animals have been affected in the past. But not nearly as many as we expect to see this year, and not just because of the map failure,” he says.

Symptoms of TRI include dizziness, fever, intestinal upset, vomiting, and seizures. If you experience any of these symptoms after visiting bulb beds, Dr. Dingas says, you should seek medical attention immediately.

“My best advice, though, is to forego Tulips this year, and stay away from bulb beds altogether,” he says.

For more information on Tulip-Related Illness, please consult The Department of Well-Being and Safety pamphlet, “What you should know about Tulip-Related Illness.”

Wednesday Rewind: 
Original Publication Date: 25 March 2012

The sluggish economy is taking its toll on the professional and personal lives of Park citizens.

“The situation is dire,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier and author of a new report on the economy entitled, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able.”

The report, which analyzed economic and employment data gathered by The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, paints a gloomy  picture of the future unless immediate action is taken.

According to the report, recent statistics show that a record number of Animals have had to leave their homes and families in the past year to seek work outside The Park.

“The Park is simply not generating a sufficient number of jobs for its population,” says Dr. Cissa. “As a consequence, we are losing our best and brightest…the skilled and the most diligent. And Humans are the ones who are benefitting.”

Indeed, figures cited in the report indicate that, out of financial necessity, a great many Animals have been forced to take jobs as “domestic companions” to Humans outside The Park.

“This is tragic on so many levels,” says Cissa. “These are Animals who were trained and educated at institutions in The Park, Animals who were promised a better life than their ancestors had. These are Animals who believed in the Promise of The Park, and who believed that Animals would never have to serve Humans again. They’ve been betrayed by the economy and they are starting to question their commitment to The Park, itself. It is a very challenging situation.”

Dr. Cissa’s report is scheduled to be presented to the Archons’ full assembly on Tuesday.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date:
19 February 2013

The Founding Families Financial Corporation has pulled its advertisements from Toro Talk Radio in response to remarks made on February 12 by the station’s talk show host, Yannis Tavros.

In an announcement dated today, The Park’s oldest and largest bank said it “could not in good conscience support the radio station given the nature of the remarks made by one in its employ.”

As its name suggests, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families. These include Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. Many of these families are members of The Park’s hibernating communities and some have suggested that this may have been a factor in the bank’s decision.

In an interview on Chitter Radio this morning, Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP) said he thought it was “far from a coincidence that the bank’s announcement came today, [since it is ] the official end of the hibernation period.”

“Not only do some members of its Board of Directors come from our hibernating communities, but a great number of its clients do, as well. They can’t be seen to be supporting a station that appears anti-hibernator,” he said.

He also believes this is the main reason that Provisions by Petrounel pulled its ads from Toro Talk Radio.

“They’re grocers and caterers and they serve all species, but it’s been estimated that a good 40 per cent or more of their business is post-hibernation. How could they afford not to pull their ads after Tavros insulted a pair of very well-known and well-loved hibernators?” he said.

As of this afternoon, Toro Talk Radio had not responded to the companies’ announcements.