The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Wednesday Rewind: GooseBook opens to all species

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Original Publication Date: 28 January 2012

In a move that has has caught many in the tech and media sectors by surprise, The Park’s most successful social media site, GooseBook, has unveiled its ambitious plans for expansion.

In a statement released today, the company confirmed its plans to open site membership to all species in The Park.

“The popularity and success of GooseBook has proven that it has great potential for growth across the broad spectrum of species that inhabit The Park,” said GooseBook’s President and C.E.O., Lester C. Gander.

In addition, GooseBook’s executives confirmed that they plan to roll out a pair of related social media sites, most likely in the second quarter of the year. The company has not released any information about the new sites other than their names: “Cackle” and “Peck.”

According to insiders, one of the sites will be a “communication” site and the other may be an internet search engine.

GooseBook was the brainchild of the late Cesar Emilio Gander, who founded the site while a student at the University of West Terrier. After his untimely death, the site experienced a surge in membership. That surge continued until last summer, when rival site Gewper opened its virtual doors. Since then, both sites have competed neck and neck for members, with GooseBook maintaining a slight lead over the more innovative Gewper.

 

Wednesday Rewind: Groundhog Day violence eclipses Archons’ message of hope

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One of the Animals jailed after Groundhog Day violence

Original Publication Date: 3 February 2010

An outbreak of violence during an otherwise peaceful demonstration threatened to mar Groundhog Day festivities and overshadow the message of hope and renewal delivered by the Archons in their annual address.

The demonstration, which was held to protest The Park’s policy of open immigration, began outside the Law Courts at approximately 08:30, just minutes after the Archons concluded their address.

Participants described the demonstration as “initially peaceful,” until a particularly aggressive groups of Animals, wielding heavy placards, hijacked the cause and “beat up on the [other] participants.”

“It got ugly pretty quick,” said Randall Rhinoceros, a protester who was taken to the Park Hospital with injuries to his feet and snout.

While hundreds of Animals were treated for their injuries as a result of the violence, there are reports that some injured Animals were hauled off to jail before they received any treatment at all. Some of those involved blame the Guard Dogs for a substantial number of the injuries that were incurred in the demonstration.

“They were too quick off the mark, as far as I’m concerned,” said Yvonne Aardvark. “They didn’t wait to find out who was causing the trouble. They just rounded everybody up and sent them to jail.”

An investigation into the incident is underway, according to The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace, Raymond H. Mink.

Wednesday Rewind: Pundits will take to radio to weigh in on new government

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Original Publication Date: 26 January 2012

Some of The Park’s best known political pundits will weigh in on our new government this coming Monday as guests of Toro Talk Radio host, Yannis Tavros.

Manfred Stier, a spokesanimal for the radio station, confirmed today that Yannis Tavros will relinquish his usual talk show format on January 30 to moderate a forum “about the future of The Park and the direction that the 2012 government will take.”

Invited forum guests will include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism (UWT), Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Other participants include Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, and Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post.

The participants plan to discuss everything from the political and philosophical leanings of the 2012 Archons to the economy, immigration reform, currency amalgamation, and tourism.

“Nothing is off-limits in this discussion,” said Stier.

Mark your calendars for these important February 2019 Park events

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IF you thought January was a busy month, you’ll have to fasten your seatbelt for February! It’s a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year will be no exception. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

 

February 1: Get up! Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until after the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.

 

February 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear 2019 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) Olan Ulick Whistlepig tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3). Click on the schedule to the right for a full view.

And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!

February 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not our 2019 POPS, Olan Ulick Whistlepig, predicts an early Spring, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!

 

3d-tabby-king-croppedFebruary 14: Anniversary of the birth of Jor
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.

 

Hieronymous Hedgehog February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the NutFebruary 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2019 Keeper of the Nut Árvakur Fíl who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

Full schedule of events released for 2019 Groundhog Day celebrations

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The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations (DHFC) has released the Official Schedule of the 2019 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a short press conference this morning, DHFC Director of Public Relations Aintza Kanariar said she was confident that all Park residents would be pleased with the lineup of performers, games, acts, and more that will make up what some in The Park consider the most important event of the year.

“We’ve somehow managed to streamline the event while making it longer,” she laughed, “but there’s no doubt it will be a jam-packed, fun-filled day for all.”

Kanariar confirmed that the 2km tunnel race would go ahead as usual, but said nothing about it being broadcast. She would not comment on speculation that one of The Park’s technology companies was planning to livestream the event.

Kanariar also confirmed that 2019 “spare,” Signe Klara Woodchuck, would be awakened at the same time as 2019 POPS, Olan Ulick Whistlepig.

“Olan Whistlepig and Signe Woodchuck will be awakened simultaneously, and Signe will be acknowledged during the post-prognostication ceremony. We want her to know we appreciate her contribution and her commitment to The Park,” Kanariar said.

Kanariar acknowledged the controversy over the two comedy sets scheduled and, in a nod to the growing desire among The Park’s population to have a say in all aspects of the celebrations, she announced that a comprehensive survey would be handed out to all celebration attendees.

“We are actively seeking their feedback and any suggestions they might have for the future,” she said.

As for the parade, Kanariar said many might find it leaned toward the nostalgic, but there will be plenty of new floats to combat that view.

The following musicians, among others, will participate in the event:

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap

As is always the case, one of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations will be the food. Renowned Chef Tab Triolore will reprise his “feral buffet” and supply delicious non-perishables from his grassRoutes restaurant. Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will serve a full breakfast just after the Archons’ Address. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

And, again, this year, food will be served for twenty-four hours straight.

“We’re going through from eight in the morning on the second [of February] until eight in the morning on the third,” Kanariar said.

And, don’t forget: the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

Wednesday Rewind: Newt becomes Chief Archon

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newtOriginal Publication Date: 23 January 2012

For the first time in Park history, a semi-aquatic Animal was sworn in as Chief Archon of The Park’s 2012 government.

In a moving ceremony held this morning at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt took the oath of office as Chief Archon in front of a crowd of thousands.

“This is a historic day,” said Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who presided over the event and administered the oath of office to all 35 Animals who will serve as Archons this year. “We should all be proud to be Park citizens.”

While thousands of Animals braved the bitter cold to attend the ceremony at the Theatre, an estimated 700,000 others watched the political process play out from the comfort of their own dwellings. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, dedicated its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

“We believe strongly in the Zoocratic process and we are proud and honoured to have a part in it,” said a statement released yesterday by PBC Executives.

Among those in attendance at the event were representatives of all The Park’s Citizen Aid and Action Associations, including proxy representatives of The Park’s many hibernating communities.

Wednesday Rewind: Groundhog Day fest victim of Park’s economic woes

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Original Publication Date: 10 January 2010

The mood is sombre in the office of Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr.

“No one envies me these days,” says the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Less than two weeks before one of the biggest events in The Park’s calendar, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has slashed his budget, sending Whistlepig scrambling out of his hibernaculum to make sure this year’s celebrations properly reflect the tenor of the festivities.

“This holiday is a major Park occasion. It signals the coming of Spring, the renewal of life, the hope of the future. It is not just about a prediction; it is about a certainty — the certainty that we have survived, and that we will thrive, no matter what we face,” Whistlepig proclaims.

While Whistlepig says he “disputes” the notion that the celebration requires a big budget, he believes it is a mistake to tone down celebrations, particularly at a time of hardship.

“I don’t believe in restraint when it comes to celebrations. I think they [the Department] are underestimating the resilience of Park Animals. We will get through this [economic] tunnel and come out the other end. Saving a few Ftoo here and there is not going to make any difference to the outcome.”

Regardless of the size of the celebration, Whistlepig is confident that all Animals will enjoy the festivities.

“This is not a celebration to miss,” he says. “No matter how big or small, it is a very important part of The Park’s social season, and it speaks to our sense of ourselves as Park citizens. No one should miss it.”

Groundhog Day celebrations will begin 1 Barnabus with the prediction of 28 AZ POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring), Elisabetta Mary Marmot. The prediction is expected to occur any time between 07:33 and 07:49. Following the sealing of the Proclamation, the Archons will deliver their annual Groundhog Day address. The Groundhog Day Parade is scheduled to begin at 08:30, followed by the 2-kilometre tunnel race. Food stations will remain open from 08:00 until 3:00.. The full Groundhog Day schedule will be posted at the Law Courts on 28 Proto.

Wednesday Rewind: AVN TV to turn its lens on Humans

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Original Publication Date: 28 August 2014

This Autumn, the AVN Television Network (AVN TV) will begin broadcasting a new live television series that will focus on Humans as they spend time in The Park.[pullquote]This show is truly for the Birds. It will be amazing … watching them watch us watching them.” – AVN TV Program Director Izrine Corneille   [/pullquote]

AVN’s Chief Executive Officer Orville Condor and Program Director Izrine Corneille made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“We [at AVN TV] have a unique perspective on The Park, and we want to use that perspective to serve our customers,” Corneille said. “This show is truly for the Birds. It will be amazing … watching them watch us watching them.”

Corneille said the show will be broadcast for two hours (one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon) every day of the week. The network’s initial contract with the show’s producers calls for the series to run for 12 consecutive months.

“We wanted to show Humans in every season, starting with the Autumn,” Condor said. 

The show is scheduled to begin on September 22.

AVN Television is a wholly-owned subsidiary of AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, CLucK Radio and The Avian Messenger.

Names of 2019 Archons announced

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The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2019 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2019
Tuatara, Pounamu Marama (Chief Archon)

Angonoka, Ismene; Archey’s Frog, Hemi Patariki; Baiji, Zhang Wei; Beaver, Dufgus; Beluga, Asmund Fritjof; Bowerbird, Raakel Tadita; Bowhead Whale, Darius Enok; Brown Recluse Spider, Matilda Saga; Bufo, Olivia Eleanor; Carp, Rufus Stanley; Chuckwalla, Amalia Mariana; Cockatoo, Arthur Dennis; Condor, Aracely Nicolle; Dwarf Caiman, Selena Valeria; Elephant, Feechi Kalifa; Geoduck, Viggo Arkady; Gorilla, Kwame Salim; Guppy, Ainoliina Valda; Hellbender, Andreas; Hornet, Aksel Arthur;  Ibis, Pandora Kalliope; Kokako, Amaia Manawa; Leopard Gecko, Amooz Bahnam; Longfin Eel, Rawiri Tai; Manx Shearwater, Erikur Njáll; Mehiläinen, Annikki Kaarina; Opposum, Chester Antioch; Oscar, Dieter Öxar; P. Waltl, Sebastián Mateo; Sagalla Caecilian, Adongo Farajah; Salamander, Wyatt Atticus; Scheltopusik, Camilla Grace; Swallowtail, Lucia Martina; Tuna, Hendrina Beatrix.

Outgoing Chief Archon Iolana Whooping Crane: “I did not set out to be the face of a new movement.”

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CHIEF ARCHON IOLANA CAMIRA WHOOPING CRANE: THE EXIT INTERVIEW

In her only exit interview, The Park’s 2018 Chief Archon, Iolana Camira Whooping Crane—whose term ends on Wednesday—told The Mammalian Daily that her work on establishing an “Enough Economy” in The Park was misrepresented by the press and by some political factions. Nonetheless, she stands by her ideas and hopes the incoming Archons will build on them.

We sat down with Chief Archon Iolana C. Whooping Crane earlier this month to discuss zoocracy, the economy, what government can and cannot do, and her hopes for the future of The Park.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon Whooping Crane, for sitting down with us today.

IWC:  Thank you for having me. I’m happy to be here.

TMD: Chief Archon Whooping Crane, I think it’s safe to say that it’s the hope of most, if not all, Chief Archons to leave a legacy. This is a two-part question, it seems. First, I’d like to know, is that something you think about at the beginning of your term? When you find out you’ve been elected Chief Archon by the other thirty-four Archons, do you think to yourself, “This is what I want to achieve in the coming year?”

IWC: I will agree with you about legacy, but not in personal terms. Everything we do, we do for the betterment of The Park as a whole, and we only have one year in which to do it. So, it’s about setting something in motion, rather than seeing it to a conclusion. But most governing is that, isn’t it? You can’t be short-sighted. There is no end point; you are simply laying down a set of tracks that you hope will be trod upon and continue to be built by those who follow you. But you’re correct in the sense that each of us, in this small club we call the Chief Archons Club, has certain ideas that seem so important that we feel they should take precedence over others. And, sometimes, those ideas, or the solutions to certain problems, invariably become our legacy. So, to answer your question, no, we do not jump for joy when we are elected and think to ourselves, “Wonderful! I’m going to get the chance to work on my dream project!” Governing is a much more serious and onerous task than that. All too often, events or circumstances that are beyond your control decide for you what your priority is and you have to be able to react to them in a timely fashion. As a result, it is that reaction that becomes your legacy.

TMD: The second part of my question must seem obvious to you: what would you like your own legacy to be?

IWC: I think it’s inevitable that my legacy will be connected to the economy and, of course, to the fact that I introduced the concept of “enough,” not only to The Park generally, but to the budget, as well. And I am proud of that.

TMD: I’m going to ask you a question that many have been afraid to: are you against economic growth in The Park?

IWC:  I don’t know why that question hasn’t been asked, but I’m happy to answer it now. I am in favour of sustainable, responsible economic growth in The Park. I am not in favour of unfettered growth or growth that leaves some Animals or species of Animals behind. And I am not in favour of growth that imperils the environment, pits some species against others, or is simply production or consumerism with no end point other than a financial one. Is that clear?

TMD: I would say that is very clear, but is it realistic?

IWC:  Anything is realistic if you are willing to take responsibility for its execution. If you are not, then nothing is realistic, and you are free to blame outside forces.

TMD: That’s a strong opinion.

IWC:  And would you have me express a weak opinion?

TMD: No, of course not.

TMD: How did you feel when your “enough” approach—your very serious argument about sustainability—became the “BastaBudget?” Did you feel it demeaned your idea?

IWC: No, I didn’t and I don’t now. New ideas are incredibly hard for many to digest. It takes a long period of adjustment and, even then, many are not capable of incorporating them into their world view. Whether we like it or not, something like the “BastaBudget,” a catchy phrase that may seem negative to some, helps the idea along. It fastens it securely in the mind. And, in a way, I did start it, by introducing the idea of the “enough economy.”

TMD: Did you intend to do that?

IWC:  Intend to do what?

TMD: Intend to use linguistic tools to change minds about The Park’s economy?

IWC:  You make me sound manipulative.

TMD: That wasn’t the intention.

IWC: In the first place, I did not come to office intending to do anything radical about the economy. As I said, you assume the office with the best of intentions. And most of my interests weren’t economic to begin with. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that The Park was headed on a path that was not only unsustainable, it was downright dangerous. As Noreen says, one need only look to the Human world to see the results of bad policies. So, I reacted to the situation in what I believe was a reasonable fashion. I said, hold on, we cannot just continue doing what we’ve been doing. We will lose control of everything, including our ability to govern our own land. But I did not set out to be the face of a new movement.

TMD: Would you say you were successful in changing minds?

IWC:  History will make that judgement. I believe I was successful in laying the groundwork for change. Given that we only have a year in office, I would say that that was not a small thing.

TMD: In our discussion today, you make the whole “enough” concept seem so benign. But you were vilified during most of your term.

IWC:  That didn’t surprise me. I think the press—many in the press—did their best to turn my words against me and to fight my ideas. The “Enough Economy” was so misrepresented in the Park press that I just began to ignore it. Why bother fighting it out with the media? It seemed to me that many had chosen to serve the interests of anti-sortitionists, to make it appear that I was incompetent and only an elected government should be able to make such sweeping changes as I felt were necessary.

TMD: I understand why you say that and, yes, there were many who questioned your competency. But, as I’m sure you know, in a series of year-end polls, you surpassed all other Chief Archons in two areas: most disliked and most intelligent. Do you find those two to be at odds with each other?

IWC:  It does seem strange, as if I’m less incompetent and more diabolical. As for being disliked, as I’m sure you expect me to say, it is not a popularity contest. There were many Park residents who agreed with my ideas. And many who had had the same ideas, themselves. A good citizen considers all ideas and makes sound, informed judgements. Our founder, Jor, ran into a great deal of resistance. And he had many enemies, if the biographies are to be believed. So, the polls don’t matter so long as we’re moving in the right direction.

TMD: You mentioned Noreen a while back. What influence, if any, did she have on you?

IWC:  Noreen is a dear friend and she served as an unofficial advisor to me. We met a few times over the course of the year and she updated me on a variety of things regarding the Human world. The breadth of her knowledge when it comes to Humans is remarkable.

TMD: As of January 16, you will be a private citizen of The Park. What are your plans, immediate and long-term?

IWC:  I’ll be going south for a rest after Groundhog Day, but I’ll be back in the Spring. I have a number of projects that I want to work on, some on my own and some collaboratively. I’m going to join my predecessor, Klarissa Kuttu, in the fight for longer terms. One year is simply not enough time to effect meaningful change.

TMD: What would you or will you say to the incoming Chief Archon?

IWC:  I wish the incoming Chief Archon the best of luck. We don’t know who it is, but we do know the burden they will bear. We don’t advise each other, but I would encourage any Archon, Chief or not, to seek as much advice and opinion from others as possible.

TMD: May I say, Chief Archon Whooping Crane, on behalf of all Park citizens, thank you for your work and your service to zoocracy and The Park. We wish you peace and happiness in your new life.

IWC:  Thank you so much. I wish the same for you.

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