The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2014—PASS calls for public inquiry into stampede at grooming house

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tallulahstoilettage

PASS has called for a public inquiry into the grooming house stampede

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) has called for a public inquiry into the stampede that occurred at Tallulah’s Toilettage on May 31.

At a meeting held on Saturday June 14, members of the Association voted unanimously to recommend to the Archons that they institute a “full, free, and public investigation into the events that took place at Tallulah’s Toilettage on May 31.”[pullquote]We want Animals to realize that the security of the business community is at stake here.  – PASS president Wellington Whistlepig[/pullquote]

The Association also agreed that such a public investigation should seek input from Park Police, the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays Festivals, and Celebrations, as well as from Animals resident in The Park.

“We wrote our recommendation in the strongest language possible, short of making it an outright demand,” said current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig at a media briefing this afternoon. 

“We want Animals to realize that the security of the business community is at stake here,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Noreen, UWT law professor launch Domestic Empowerment Initiative

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Official NoreenNoreen has embarked on a new venture.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies has partnered with Chittenden School of Law professor Fionnula Fox to help Animals currently living in a domestic situation with Humans gain more control over their possessions and estates.

After conducting a study last year that concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions, Fox—a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park)—invited Noreen to work with her on rectifying what she calls a “dismal situation” for domestic Animals.

“I thought we’d make a great pair in this regard,” she told The Mammalian Daily. “I was sure that if we combined Noreen’s deep knowledge and understanding of Humans and my knowledge of the law outside The Park, we’d be able to come up with the perfect solution.”

Whether that solution is perfect remains to be seen, but the confident pair will unveil the first part of its Domestic Empowerment Initiative (DEI) on June 22, fittingly during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law will host the Q&A event and forms for wills and booklets on estate planning will be given out free of charge to all Animals.

Both Fox and Noreen know the risks involved in trying to change Humans’ views and behaviour, but they’re both confident it can be done over time.

“For the sake of domestic Animals, we have to adopt a slow and gentle approach with Humans,” says Fox. “Because the truth is we have no legal basis to force them to do anything.”

OTD in 2016—”Diary of a Domestic Dog” favoured to win fiction prize at tomorrow’s awards

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Chitter Radio Literary Awards take place on June 15

Natalia Barboncina’s penetrating and intelligent account of life as a Domestic Canine is favoured to win at this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

The strange thing is, that award will be for fiction.

Originally published by Kynikos Press under the title, Another Day, the book has leapt off the shelves in recent months. And it’s found an enorormously diverse audience, made up of species that some say are the least likely ever to experience domesticity.

Indeed, the author herself has spoken of her astonishment at the number of readers of species other than Canine who’ve written letters to her, posted on her web site, and attended her pawprintings. Just last month at The Literary Apothecary, the lineup to meet Barboncina was made up of fifty-five different species, according to proprietor Wyuna Winkle.

“Something about that book resonates with all Animals, despite the fact that it’s about a particular species in a particular circumstance,” Winkle says.

Barboncina credits Noreen with bringing her to some of the insights that are expressed by the main character in her book. She says that while she was in the process of writing the book, she and The Mammalian Daily advice columnist had a “series of conversations” about Humans that “opened her mind to the emotional reality of Domestic Canine life.”

“When I started the book, I saw it all in the abstract. But, after talking to Noreen, I was able to put myself in the position of my main character and to actually feel and authentically describe what she experiences,” Barboncina says.

Indeed, “authentic” is a word that has been used in many of the reviews of the book. And it was that authenticity that drew domestication survivor and 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award winner Hercule Parrot to the work and moved him to write a blurb for the retitled book’s cover.

“Natalia Barboncina writes with great depth of meaning and describes the full spectrum of emotions experienced by the domesticated Animal. This book is a true work of art,” Parrot wrote.

Barboncina and her fellow nominees will attend the Chitter Radio Literary Awards tomorrow at The Park Repertory Theatre.

OTD in 2012—Deaths from premature awakening on the rise: study

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A little more than two weeks before the official date of estivation, The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has released a report on the health of The Park’s hibernating communities.

Entitled, “Premature Awakening: The Dawn of an Epidemic?” the report relates the results of a two-year study of the incidence of premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens. The study was conducted by the DWBS in collaboration with the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine and the Park General Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

According to the report, deaths from premature awakening have risen 30% in the last two years. This past Winter alone, several hundred Ground Squirrels were found dead outside their burrows weeks before the official end of hibernation.

“We assume they were looking for food and became disoriented,” says Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels. “It was a real blow to the community.”

While the report documents the rise in incidence, it offers no definitive answers as to the cause.

“This is just the beginning,” says Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier and one of the authors of the report.

“The matter requires much further study before we can be confident of an explanation,” he says.

OTD in 2013—”Best Dam” commencement address draws mixed reviews

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"Best Dam" speechThe address given at the University of West Terrier’s commencement ceremonies on June 1 has drawn mixed reviews from The Park’s citizenry and criticism from some members of its political community. The address, which was passionately delivered by Anatoly Boris Beaver, has been criticized by some for the message they believe it sends to the University’s 2013 graduating class and to all Park youth.

In the speech, which has been dubbed by its critics as the “Best Dam speech of 2013,” Beaver implored the UWT graduates to look beyond innovation to excellence, itself.

“If you cannot produce something new, something unique, something that has never been produced before…if that is not something of which you are capable, don’t stop, don’t give up. Instead, strive to do the absolute best job that any Animal has ever done. Teach the lesson best, sing the song best, cook the best meal, build the best dam,” he said.

Beaver, who is managing partner of Overeager Beaver Architects, was tipped to be the 2013 speaker after his company won the Park Dwelling Design Award this year. A source close to members of the University’s Commencement Advisory Committee (CAC) told The Mammalian Daily that the CAC wanted a member of The Park’s business community to address the 2013 graduating class to “broaden their ideas of post-graduation Park life.”

Some in the commencement audience, however, felt the speech did not deliver on that promise.

“That has to be one of the least inspirational speeches I’ve ever heard,” said one parent of a graduate.

Chief Archon Emeritus George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt went further, accusing Beaver of effectively narrowing our youth’s field of vision.

“While I believe I understand his intent, I do not think that negativity is an appropriate sendoff for those who have worked so hard to receive an education,” he said.

Newt, who spearheaded a campaign to expand education at all levels in The Park, said he believes in the power of education to enable Animals “to create and to innovate and not just to imitate.”

“His [Beaver’s] message was not in line with my own hopes for The Park’s future,” he said.

For his part, Beaver says he was simply trying to emphasize the fact that “we cannot all be special, but we can do our best and be excellent at whatever we end up doing.”

OTD in 2014—Police confirm officer among those injured in grooming house stampede

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Stampede at Grooming House

One Park Police officer was injured at the grooming house stampede on May 31

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police confirmed today that one of their own was among the injured in the grooming house stampede on May 31.

At a press briefing outside their headquarters, a Police spokesAnimal confirmed reports that an officer had been taken to hospital after being attacked inside Tallulah’s Toilettage. The officer’s name was not released.

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), also attended the briefing. He said the officer was unarmed when he entered the grooming house.

“He was one of the first to respond at the scene. He called for reinforcements but, for him, it was too late. He was attacked…allegedly by a mob of disgruntled grooming house patrons,” Shepherd said.

The stampede led to the arrest of 35 Animals, most of whom are believed to be regular customers of the grooming house. Of the Animals arrested, 32 were charged with at least one offence. Those charges included mischief, unprovoked violence, injury to the body of a Police officer, inciting a riot, and the overtaking of a common grooming house for other purposes. All 32 Animals are awaiting court dates.

Meanwhile, The Park’s business community has called a meeting for Saturday, June 14 to discuss plans to draft what Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), calls a “battle plan.”

Though he would reveal no specific details, Whistlepig said the meeting had already been scheduled when the stampede occurred.

“We had already seen that things were changing in The Park and we acknowledged that, as a group, we’d have to be prepared,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Five Questions For…Chuck the Guck Man

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chuck-the-guck-manTMD Focus Reporter Riikard Havik talks to Chuck the Guck Man

RH: Let’s cut to the chase. Those rumours about a musical based on your life…true or false?

CHUCK: I thought you might ask about that. I don’t know who let the Cat out of the bag, so to speak, but yes, it’s true, or as true as it can be without it being a reality yet. The working title is, “Every Inch a Guck Man.”

RH: Really. I thought it might be “CHUCKles the Guck Man.” Why a musical?

CHUCK: Well, let’s face it: the life of a guck man isn’t exactly dramatic. Besides, it’s meant to be a sort of feel good thing: a celebration of Park life and the Animals who do the basic work that needs to be done here.

RH: So, you would call guck making a necessity and not a luxury?

CHUCK: It’s by no means a luxury! We have to attend to our ocular health. It’s critical.

RH: Now, there are other guck men in The Park, but you have the epithet “beloved” attached to your name…

CHUCK: I didn’t give myself that epithet, you know.

RH: Yes, I know, but do you have any theories as to why you are so beloved?

CHUCK: I think trust has a lot to do with it. I’m a fourth-generation Guck Man, which means my customers can count on me. I’m no fly-by-nighter, although I do work primarily at night. But all my guck is made in-house at my family’s three laboratories and all of it is delivered and applied by me. If something goes wrong, I’m here to set it right.

RH: That’s a lot of work, isn’t it? I don’t think we realize how much is involved in being a guck man.

CHUCK: It’s a busy life. It’s seven days a week, most weeks of the year. I take a bit of time off every now and then. But it’s rewarding.

RH: What would you tell the younger generation about guck-making that would make them want to join your ranks?

CHUCK: Well, first of all, you’ve gotta love it. For me, that’s easy. It’s in my blood. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t in the lab with my dad or grandfather, watching that guck bubble up in the tubes. But there are actually two things you’ve gotta love. One is guck and guck-making and the other is just as important and that’s other Animals. If you don’t love that part of it, you’re going to burn out quickly. You have to love your customers and want the best for them. I’m not saying that’s easy. Sometimes, it’s hard. But you have to care about them. Otherwise, what are you doing this for?

RH: If you hadn’t been a guck man, what do you think you’d have wanted to be?

CHUCK: You thought you’d trip me up there, didn’t you? But, actually, I have thought about that. And this might surprise you. I have a lot of admiration for Herman Stoat. We’ve become friends over the years…

RH: The choreographer?

CHUCK: Yes. And I think, if I hadn’t grown up surrounded by guck and guck men, I might well have tried to do something in the dance area. Choreography, maybe. Or maybe just dance. Or gymnastics. I do a bit of that on my own, when I have some free time.

RH: Gymnastics?

CHUCK: Yes. Does that surprise you?

RH: In fact, it does.

CHUCK: Guck men are not one-dimensional, you know.

RH: I realize that.

CHUCK: Or you’re just realizing that, now.

RH: One last question, and it’s an easy one for you: what does the “guck” acronym stand for?

CHUCK: That is an easy one. Glutinous Unctuous Coagulated Knots. It may not sound pretty, but we couldn’t live without it.

OTD in 2016—Chef Mikko Tikkeri tries to cope with June slump at The Feeding Station

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Mikko TikkeriChef Mikko Tikkeri sits at one of the communal tables—his restaurant’s “feeding stations”—and stares at the line of empty holes.

“There should be bowls in there. There should be a line of Animals with their faces in those bowls,” he says in almost a defeated tone.

Although Tikkeri never directly names his enemy during our hour-long interview, there is no escaping the Elephant in the room: Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The annual event has taken a big bite out of Tikkeri’s business and perhaps an even bigger bite out of his heart.

“Where is the loyalty?” he asks, only half-rhetorically.

He knew he was taking a risk with the cutting edge concept and design of his new eatery and he admitted that the Feeding Station might alienate some customers or remind them of their time in enforced domestication. But the restaurant did well after its November opening—so well, in fact, that Tikkeri says he was blindsided by the sudden drop in diners.

“I don’t know where they’ve gone. My friends in the business tell me they [the customers] will be back, but it isn’t easy. I feel as if I’ve been accused of some wrongdoing…as if eating here is traumatic,” he says.

Indeed, there are Animals who see it that way but, according to business experts, they are not the problem.

“They’re not the ones who were eating there in the first place, so their absence won’t be felt this month,” says Ingmar Bäver, professor of Business Studies at the University of West Terrier’s Winston School of Business.

“What Tikkeri failed to do—and this is a common mistake—was to look ahead at what events might influence customer behaviour. He needs to plan for those and to offer diners something special during that time, something that will make them overcome their reluctance or even their curiosity about other places,” the business professor and part-time marketing consultant says.

For his part, Tikkeri hopes he’ll have the chance to get it right and that his customers will be understanding.

“I know about food, but I’m still learning about business and customer relations. I apologize for any discomfort felt this month by any of my customers,” he says.

OTD in 2012—New prize announced for merging artists

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Maple Tree Television has established a new prize that is to be awarded every Autumn to honour The Park’s best merging artists.

MTTV President, Tibor Jelen, made the announcement yesterday at the station’s annual stakeholders’ meeting.

Jelen said the station had experienced “an unprecedented increase in the number of viewers” over the past year and attributed the rise in numbers to the station’s change in focus from news to arts programming.

“We have become, primarily, an arts television station,” he said, “and, for that reason, we decided it was appropriate to reward those who have played a large part in our success.”

Jelen said MTTV chose to honour “merging artists” because some station executives felt that The Park’s collaborating artists were “under-exposed.”

“We thought this was a good way to bring them [merging artists] to the public’s attention,” he said.

Merging artists are artists who work in only one field of the arts and who collaborate with one or more other artists who work in another, distinct field.

The first MTTV Merging Artist prize will be awarded this Autumn. The exact date and location have yet to be determined, Jelen said.

OTD in 2013—Stoat calls for more diversity in Park’s dance community

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Park dance community lacks diversity

Choreograher Herman Stoat has called for more diversity in The Park’s dance community.

Acclaimed choreographer Herman Stoat is sounding the alarm about the lack of diversity in The Park’s professional dance community.

“We’re a pretty homogeneous group…mostly Mammals…and I don’t understand the reason for that,” he said at a gathering held to celebrate the debut of his new television show.

The Park’s premier choreographer says that, as the artistic director of his eponymous dance company, he has experienced first hand the difficulty in recruiting non-Mammalian species.

“We have auditions eight times a year and it’s such an effort to get them [non-Mammals] out. Several times a year, we advertise in papers like The Avian Messenger and The Ornis Interpreter. We know they have trained dancers; we know there are brilliant amateurs in many non-Mammalian communities…but we can’t seem to interest them in pursuing a professional career.”

To that end, Stoat says, he has initiated talks with members of The Park’s non-Mammalian communities to see if they are interested in partnering with his company to establish a school of dance.

“I see it as a feeder institution,” says Stoat. “We would be training the next generation of dancers, choreographers, and teachers…so that, in ten years, you might attend a performance of the Herman Stoat Dance Company and see Birds, Reptiles, Mammals, Insects…all dancing together. That is the dream that I would like to see become a reality.”

See also:

Herman Stoat named decade’s best choreographer
Reality TV series planned for Herman Stoat dance company

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