Satirical fiction in newspaper form
Today’s poem was written by Park native, Moncrieff D. Cattledog.
Interspecial 101
I know my Dogs can sense
the vulnerability of Cows.
That’s why I take them
to the pasture every day.
I know they know why they come.
I don’t know what they talk about.
I pick them up an hour later
And take them home.
Archon Thurmond Tortoise will celebrate his 130th birthday this year
The Park’s first openly aged Archon has slammed Park media for what he calls “overt bias in their portrayal of the elderly.”
Thurmond L. Tortoise, who will celebrate his 130th birthday this year, is the oldest Animal in the history of zoocracy to serve as Archon. As such, he says, he feels a duty to speak out against the media’s depiction of The Park’s elderly.
“If you were to believe [The Park’s] press, you’d think we [the aging] were all enfeebled, waiting to die, or…waiting to be told what is best for us by the young, the naive, and the foolish,” he said.
The Tortoise’s remarks were made at the annual Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP) dinner, which was held last night.
Asked his opinion of the job that Park media are doing, the Tortoise did not hold back.
“These misconceptions about the elderly run rampant across the media landscape,” he said. “We are being disrespected by a group of ignorant young Animals who have control over the media.We are the founders of this zoocracy; we fought for the freedom and independence that they [youth] are experiencing. We deserve to be treated properly,” he said.
There are only six days left in Poetry Month, our celebration of The Park’s creative citizens. Today’s selection was written by renowned Park poet, Herbert K.T.L. Cat, III.
Down by the Broop ‘n Miaow
Down by the Broop ‘n Miaow
my love and I did meet;
She passed the Broop ‘n Miaow
with little, snow-white feet.
She bid me take life easy,
as the birds do in the trees;
But I, being young and tabby,
with her would not agree.
In a field by the blue pond
my love and I did walk,
and on my stripe-ed wither
she laid her snow-white paw.
she bid me take life easy
as the catnip on the plain;
But I was young and tabby,
and now am full of shame.
Eggie and The Pigs are poised to change the way the music business is done here in The Park.
According to a spokesAnimal for the group, the four musicians have decided to allow their listening public to determine the shape and content of their next song collection.
The group’s manager released the following statement this morning:
Instead of recording songs (either individually or as a collection), ETP will be making each of their new songs available as a free digital download for listeners to enjoy.
Each song will be available for one month, during which time listeners are invited to register and vote on whether or not they wish to have the song included in ETP’s next collection.
At the end of the year, after the votes have been tallied, ETP will post another online poll that will ask listeners the order in which they would like the chosen songs to appear on the new recording, the group’s manager said.
ETP’s fans appear to be ecstatic about this new arrangement. Posting on Gewper a few minutes after the statement was released, many fans called this a “musical revolution” and some hailed the decision as granting “power to the listener.”
“I’m all ears, bring it on,” one fan wrote, succinctly, and many agreed.
Music business executives, however, have been less enthusiastic. A spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records warned of the dangers of changing the decision-making dynamic so drastically.
“Once you go down that road, there’s no turning back,” he said in an interview on Toro Talk Radio. “I think they’re forgetting about the expertise that music business experts have. Fans are important; we can’t do without them, but they don’t necessarily know the best way to produce a good musical recording,” he said.
Is it news or is it entertainment?
That is the question that many Park Animals are asking, as the boundary between the two, in both broadcast and print media, becomes increasingly blurred.
Enter KartalTechSolutions, S.A. and their revolutionary new device, the Verifyzer™, which company executives claim solves this “modern dilemma” almost instantly.
“This new instrument will tell you, within five seconds, whether what you’re reading or watching is news or entertainment,” said President and CEO, Fikret Kartal, at the product’s launch this past weekend.
On hand at the outdoor launch, which doubled as a pop-up Verifyzer™ retail store, were many representatives of The Park’s media community, as well as some faculty members of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier. Many were eager to voice their skepticism of KartalTech’s claims about the new device.
“The company bases the success of this device on a number of assumptions, the most important of which is that there is an objective — and detectable — difference between so-called news and entertainment,” said Journalism Professor and author, Ludwiga Saimiri. “This is something that journalists strive to define every day of their working lives, but it is not something about which, as yet, anyone can make a definitive pronouncement.”
Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP) was even more adamant:
“There is no such thing as anything [being] objective in the newspaper business,” he said. “These definitions are fluid, they change with the seasons…with the generations; unfortunately, one Animal’s news is, sometimes, another Animal’s entertainment. And vice-versa.”
Also present at the launch was Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP). Among other things, he took issue with the company’s guarantee of an accuracy rate of 92 per cent.
“The only thing any device can do, as far as I know,” said van de Gier, “is detect the presence of, for instance, celebrities’ names in a print or voice report. But that isn’t necessarily an indication of the nature of the report. Whether you want to admit it or not, celebrities can be involved in ‘real’ news and, sometimes, ‘real’ news can be enormously entertaining,” he said.
In response to van de Gier’s remarks, a KartalTech spokesAnimal, issued this statement:
“With due respect to the AMOP President’s remarks, technology has come a long way from merely detecting names. I invite Mr. van de Gier to attend a full demonstration of our device and to see, for himself, what our new age has to offer.”
While van de Gier has, thus far, made no reply, the Verifyzer™ is scheduled to hit Park stores at the beginning of May.
This excerpt from The Way to Dr. Bourru: A Watson Mystery starring Inspector Martin appears courtesy of Tall Tail Books.
On the Perspicacity of Inspector Martin
It seemed that if ever a stalemate occurred
with respect to some grave situation,
the Inspector depended for wisdom and counsel
on the effects of a strange visitation.
And the form that this took was far sillier still,
for whenever he was in a pickle,
inevitably, from its base to its tip,
his small finger would start to tickle!
This happened each and every time,
And then his words would start to rhyme.
And next, the pounding in his chest
would give him cause to hold his breath.
And while he pondered his decision,
all at once would cross his vision…
The answer — Yes! — so plain to see!
And once he knew the route to go
his finger would inform his toe,
and then his toe would tell his chest,
which allowed him to expel his breath.
When all of this was said and done,
the Inspector and his choice were one!
Today’s Poetry Month selection is by Winston H.N. Wombat:
I believe
that winning is losing
and losing is winning
commence at the end
and cease at the beginning.
that sadness is joy
and happiness is sorrow.
I believe in today
but what about tomorrow?
DEAR NOREEN: I don’t know if this lies within your area of expertise, but I have been wondering: can Humans make Animals sick?
For almost a year, I have been participating in The Park’s Adopt-A-Human project, which I feel is a worthwhile activity. Over the last few weeks, however, I have begun to feel lethargic, I am sometimes feverish, and I have experienced a generalized feeling of unwellness.
My friends tell me that I should see Dr. Bourru and some have even suggested that it is my adopted Human who has made me sick! I don’t know what to think. Can you help me?
— CONCERNED
DEAR CONCERNED: Not to make light of your question, which is of legitimate concern, but there are those among us who think, quite frankly, that Humans are making us all sick! Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly, of course, knows what my opinion is of Humans: they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one!
Setting all that aside, however, my medical experts tell me that Humans can, indeed, infect Animals with a number of diseases that, in the past, they kept to themselves. These days, though, with the mixing of species (not a bad thing, mind), it is not unheard of for Animals to catch things from Humans.
If I were you, I’d take myself off to Dr. Bourru posthaste and let him make the final diagnosis. Whatever disease your Human companion may have given you, it is highly treatable, they tell me, and it will not affect you permanently — which is more than I can say for Human opinions. Buona fortuna!
Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.
We continue our April celebration of Park poetry with the award-winning work of Marcus Mosquito:
Blood Brothers
And your blood becomes mine
And mind yours
in a ceremony
that our parents would have laughed at
played out in the sun
between friends.
We will recreate this time
each time my sword
pierces your skin
and we join together
in betrayal and love.
DEAR POODLE: I am wondering what your opinion is of the latest fashion accessory for Dogs (and other Animals) – by that I mean collars that have name tags hanging from them.
I was given one as a gift, but I can’t bring myself to wear it. I have a friend who thinks I’m daft. She says that they are not only beautiful, but they are practical, as well.
What do you think?
– TRADITIONALIST
DEAR TRADITIONALIST: There are, of course, at least two sides to every story (as well as to the name tags hanging on these collars), and as many opinions as there are Animals.
But, as far as I’m concerned, this is one of the most demeaning trends in fashion The Park has ever seen. I also find it quite baffling that this fad has taken hold in the same year that we are celebrating 25 years of Animal self-rule.
These items hearken back to a time when all Animals were the chattel of Humans. Despite our best efforts, this is still a reality for many Animals and we would be much better off wearing a tag that called for their emancipation than acting as though we have all risen above this sad and shameful part of our past.
As for the practicality of wearing our identities around our necks (as opposed to our hearts on our sleeves), I don’t find this argument compelling. Nor do I believe that our young should be encouraged to sport a look that shouts “I Am Property!”
And, as for the aspect of beauty, there are many things more beautiful than an ID tag – namely, freedom, respect, and Animal dignity.
Ask a Poodle is a regular feature of The Mammlian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for the Poodle, please e-mail it to her at askapoodle@mammaliandaily.com. We regret that the Poodle cannot send responses directly to you.
