The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Splinter group to stage currency-related protest this weekend

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Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS) is reporting that some former members of the Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies (APIC) have disassociated themselves from APIC and created a splinter group to fight currency amalgamation in The Park.

The group, ninety per cent of whose members are Geese, calls itself “Fowl Cry” and plans to stage a two-day protest against currency unification this weekend.

In a statement distributed to all Park media, the group excoriated APIC as a “do-nothing” organization and its current President, Rowena Goose, as a “stand-by and watch” official.

“At a time when it is most important to take action, she [Rowena Goose] has adopted a ‘wait and see’ attitude,” the statement said.  The group has also accused the Goose of feathering her own nest by hoarding the dominant currency (Ftoo), while leaving the rest of Park citizens to fend for themselves.

APIC released a counter-statement early this morning, defending its record and touting its success in staving off currency amalgamation, which has been on the table in The Park for more than seven years. The group did not address the charges that Fowl Cry made against its President, nor has Rowena Goose yet stepped forward to dispute them.

Park Police say they have called in reinforcements in order to keep peace in The Park during the demonstration.

Clash with Guard Dogs at protest leaves 1 dead, 7 injured

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FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

One Goose is dead and at least seven were injured after a clash with Guard Dogs at this weekend’s anti-amalgamation protest in The Park.

The fallen Goose, whose name has not yet been released, was last seen alive at the ancient open-air theatre on Sunday.  She was, reportedly, organizing a parade with a small gaggle of her compatriots to protest currency unification in The Park.  The Goose was part of a group that calls itself “Fowl Cry.”

Witnesses at the scene said that the Guard Dogs, who were on high alert, became agitated at the sound of “all that honking” and told the Goose to quieten down.

“That just made her mad,” said a friend who was also a participant at the protest.

“We have the right to express our opinions.  Jor gave us that right and it is enshrined in The Park’s constitution.  No one has the right to tell us to shut up.”

According to one witness, when the Goose refused to cooperate, the Guard Dogs rushed the group and allegedly bit several of the Geese.  A fight broke out between the Guard Dogs and the Geese and the result was one death and a host of injuries, some serious enough to land several of the Geese in the hospital.

Early this morning, Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), took to the airwaves to calm Park residents and to assure them that the security force, along with the Archons, will conduct a “full and fair” investigation into the incident.

“We invite all citizens and, particularly, those who were present at the gathering in question, to testify at the open investigation, which will commence at the end of the month,” he said.

For their part, the members of Fowl Cry say that they will wait to hear the testimony of the witnesses and the explanation of the Guard Dogs before they take any action.

“In the meantime,” said a spokesGoose for the group, “we have to plan a memorial service for our fallen leader and tend to the needs of the others who were injured.”

Archons at work behind scenes to secure reporter’s release

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Extra-Hortulanial law expert Fionnula Fox

It may not look as though anything is happening but, rest assured, our 35 Park Archons are working hard behind the scenes to secure the release of imprisoned journalist, ZeeZee Legy.

That is the message contained in a statement from the Office of the Archons and reiterated at a press conference late last night.  Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, confirmed that negotiations are underway with those outside The Park who have been holding Legy in custody since July 21, 2011.

Legy, a reporter for The Insect Intelligencer’s gossipy Fly on the Wall feature, was apprehended in connection with the death of one Human.  Five other reporters who work for the feature were arrested inside The Park after two of the reporters’ Human sources were hospitalized.  They are scheduled to appear in court late in August.

At first, Legy claimed he was not working at the time of the incident but, instead, was visiting family while on vacation.  But in a statement released last week, The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, said there had been a misunderstanding and that Legy had, indeed, been on assignment outside The Park.

At the press conference, Alouatta confirmed that efforts to secure Legy’s release had stalled for a time, but they have resumed and the Archons are “cautiously optimistic” about the outcome.  Also present at the press gathering was UWT Law Professor Fionnula Fox, an expert in Extra-Hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).  She explained the Archons’ dilemma thus:

“It’s (Extra-Hortulanial law) a hard needle to thread,” she said.  “We can only negotiate with those outside The Park; we have no real power or authority there.  Basically, we have to rely on the goodwill of the people and try to convince them that there was no malicious intent.  If we can convince them of that, then it follows that a repeat of the incident is unlikely.”

Alouatta said that the Archons are expecting a breakthrough “by the end of the weekend” and that Park citizens could keep up-to-date with the negotiations by checking the information board outside the Court House.

Downward spiral leaves Mollusk Messenger’s future in doubt

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The future of one of The Park’s oldest newspapers hangs in the balance, as executives at The Mollusk Messenger meet tomorrow morning to weigh the financial consequences of recent editorial decisions.

Sources close to owner and Chief Financial Officer, Evander Slak, say he blames editor-in-chief, Angelika Cowrie, for the decrease in the newspaper’s readership and its resultant impact on the bottom line.

“She was too hard…she wouldn’t bend at all when it came to responding to what our readers wanted,” said one ex-employee who spoke to The Mammalian Daily on condition of anonymity.

What the readers wanted, according to surveys conducted by the newspaper itself, was more commentary on the news and less “reporting at a distance,” the ex-employee says.

“It’s a fast-changing world and they were simply too slow,” agreed Braydon Raubtier, a journalist with the Dingo Boomerang.

Those who work with Cowrie, a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier, say she is a “traditionalist,” and one who believes that it is wrong to make the reporter part of the story.  The Messenger is one of the few newspapers that does not publish personal columns or opinion pieces.

“That’s all well and good, but if your readers want your opinion, you’d better give it to them or they’ll go somewhere else to get what they want,” says Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

The Mollusk Messenger is not the only Park newspaper that is suffering financially, however.  With readership down and advertising revenues imploding, it has been difficult for most Park newspapers to keep going without making drastic changes.

Groups unite to fight creation of unified currency

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ParkAnimalsThe recent call by the governor of the Central Bank of The Park to unify Animal currencies has given rise to what some have called an “unlikely alliance.”

Members of a number of advocacy groups, including APIC (Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies), Lizards for Liberty, The Monotreme Alliance, the Confederation of Ground Squirrels, the Small Animal Reform Group, and IHOP (the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park), have banded together in an effort to block any legislation the Archons plan to enact regarding currency amalgamation.

The newly-formed alliance has chosen Rowena Goose as its spokesBird.  The Goose, who has been fighting currency amalgamation for almost a decade was elected President of APIC in 23 AZ (2003).

“We won’t take this lying down,” said the Goose in an interview on CLucK RADIO early this morning.  “We’re going to fight until [currency amalgamation] is defeated.”

Central Bank issues advisory to Archons

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Multiple Animal currencies may be putting The Park in danger of suffering a severe economic depression.

That is the warning contained in a special advisory to the Archons issued by the Central Bank of The Park.

In the advisory, which was issued this morning, Central Bank governor, Bravessa Contadora, strongly recommended that the Archons take swift action to amalgamate The Park’s Animal currencies “before the Ftoo becomes virtually worthless in the outside world.”

Speaking at a press conference following the advisory’s release, Contadora acknowledged the past controversy surrounding the issue, and said she wished to be sensitive and respectful to those who oppose a single currency.

“I realize that groups such as APIC (Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies) have been fighting this for a long time and, to a large degree, they’ve been successful.  But, to what end?  If we are to preserve our trading position with the world outside The Park, we need a strong, amalgamated currency.  I see no other option for The Park,” she said.

She went on to explain that trade in so many different currencies is “just too difficult to fathom for those who live in a one-species world” and that, in her opinion, The Park had no hope of increasing exports unless it adopted a simplified currency.

The Park’s 35 Archons have, thus far, remained silent on the issue.  A statement is expected later in the day.

Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change

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PWO Budget Reconfiguration

The Park’s Weather Office has launched a formal complaint against The Finance Office after the release, last week, of its Expense Projections for 2012.

In a statement released this morning, the PWO charged that “a recent history of underfunding of weather in The Park has resulted in reduced crop sizes, diminished coats, domicile destruction and even, perhaps, a rise in Animal illnesses.”

While some of the charges might be difficult to prove, the PWO has authority on its side when it comes to reduced crop sizes and food shortages.

“The past few years have seen the worst harvests in The Park,” says A.P. Civet, of the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).  “Not coincidentally, these were the years of cutbacks, when funding for weather purchases was at its lowest.  It may seem fine to those [Animals] in the Finance Office to replace rain with wind and to buy dull days by the pack, but you can’t grow food like that,” he said.

The Park Weather Officers don’t need convincing.  They have put together a counter-proposal, which they are hoping the Archons will review and send to the Finance Office for implementation.

“At the present time,” said a spokesAnimal for the Weather Office, “the weather budget comes out of the 11 per cent of the budget that is allocated for groundskeeping and water maintenance.  A measly 15% of that 11% total has been used for weather purchases.  We are proposing to more than double that amount to 35%.  We feel that figure will give us the leverage we need to buy the kind of weather that will result in abundant harvests.  The Park’s population is growing at an alarming rate and our [food] requirements are growing along with that. This is no time to be cutting back and risking more shortages,” the spokesAnimal said.

One Human dead, reporter held for questioning outside Park

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Insect Intelligencer reporter ZeeZee Legy

The Insect Intelligencer has confirmed that reporter, ZeeZee Legy, has been held for questioning outside The Park in connection with the death of a Human late last night. The dead Human, whose name has not yet been released by law enforcement, was one of two who suffered injuries last week.  The other was released from hospital three days ago.

In a statement released early this morning, The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, expressed her deepest sympathies for the family of the fallen Human and pledged the paper’s “full cooperation” in any investigation into the circumstances surrounding his death.

Reports claim that the two Humans fell ill suddenly outside their homes and were rushed to hospital.  Witnesses at the scene told police that five of the Intelligencer’s reporters were “hovering around” at the time and that at least two of them “had their probosces resting” on the Humans’ arms.

The five reporters fled the scene but were arrested inside The Park within hours of their return.  Only Legy remained outside The Park, where it was reported he had been visiting family while on vacation from the newspaper.

Legy, along with the other five reporters, work exclusively on the Intelligencer’s daily Fly on the Wall feature.  After the arrest of the five reporters, the newspaper’s publishers made the decision to cease publication temporarily.  The reporters were to have been formally charged on July 18, but a backlog in The Park’s court system has caused a delay in the matter.

Scandal rocks Insect Intelligencer

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The Insect Intelligencer, one of The Park’s oldest and most authoritative newspapers, has temporarily ceased publication in the wake of a scandal that has resulted in the arrest of five of its staff reporters.

The scandal, which broke over the weekend, involves five of the six journalists assigned to the newspaper’s Fly on the Wall feature.  The mixture of out-of-Park news, gossip, and speculation debuted in 26 AZ (2007) and was an instant success.  A year later, The Intelligencer’s editors made it a regular component of the paper, hiring six new journalists to feed its readership’s ever-increasing appetite for blood and dirt.

While, at first, the feature was considered entertaining and harmless, Fly on the Wall began to take on a more stinging tone and, last week, out-of-Park newspapers reported that two of the sources cited by the journalists had ended up in hospital.  One has since been released; the other remains in critical condition due to an undisclosed illness.

A spokesanimal for The Intelligencer’s editor-in-chief, Fannia di Volo, expressed concern for their well-being, but stressed that no connection had, as yet, been established between the newspaper’s journalists and the health of their sources.

The five journalists are scheduled to appear in court this afternoon.

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