The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2008—Marine Mammal Bank posts record gains in first quarter

By

The Marine Mammal Bank of the Park (MMBP) has reported record first-quarter gains for 2008, thanks to the performance of its personal banking division.

The Park’s third largest bank reported an increase in deposits of 150% over the same period last year. The bank now estimates earnings for 2008 at twice those of last year. That figure was revised upward from a previous estimate of 160%.

According to Park law, banks that do business solely in The Park are not required to report their earnings in exact figures. Traditionally, Park banks have made public reports in earnings percentages, reserving exact figures for The Park Finance Office.

The growth in deposits to the MMBP is a result of the bank’s aggressive recruitment of funds from non-traditional sources, according to the bank’s Chief Executive Officer. Alphonse Dolphin said the bank is finding new and “innovative” ways to increase its clientele, including reaching out to new immigrants and to estivating species, in particular.

“This idea of reaching out to other species and to new citizens and responding directly to their particular needs and concerns… it’s a new idea in Park banking,” he said. “I’m sure it will become the norm in short order; we just happened to dive in ahead of everyone else.”

According to Park financial analyst and bank watcher, Veronique Jackal, the MMBP has done a “complete turnaround” in their priorities and it stands to gain significantly from this strategy.

“Unlike other [Park] banks, the Marine Mammal has decided to concentrate on personal banking, offering new customers interest at significantly higher rates [than other banks], as well as services that are geared to encouraging savings. This [strategy], coupled with their decision to reach out to the immigrant population and, in particular, to estivators – Animals that, historically, have been savers but who have not, traditionally, used the services of banks – will result, I believe, in massive gains for them [the bank] in the coming years.”

Other Park bank watchers agree, predicting that the MMBP is poised to overtake The Monotreme Savings Bank this year and sneak into second place behind the behemoth Founding Families Financial Corporation.

This article first appeared in Issue #118 of The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2015—Alvin Tinamou to offer Month Without Metaphor advice daily on radio show

By

MonthWMAttention all participants in May’s Month Without Metaphor (and all those interested in the practice of journalism): Set your dial to AVN Radio (Radio 286.7) at 4:00 every day from now until June 1.

Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of May’s annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) will be offering free advice on how to tell news stories without embellishing them with “unnecessary metaphors.”

Tinamou’s newspaper made the announcement this morning in this short press release:

“Following yesterday’s successful trial run, we are pleased to announce that Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger, will be hosting a daily radio show at 4:00 p.m. on AVN Radio (Radio 286.7).

The subject of the show will be ‘Journalism: Telling It Like It Is.’ Tinamou will discuss the various methods of reporting news and will offer tips on how to engage readers without using metaphors and other types of embellishments.”

AVN Radio is a wholly-owned subsidiary of AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include CLucK Radio, AVN Television, and The Avian Messenger.

As this year’s MWM approaches its midway point, members of The Park’s media establishments as well as those engaged in teaching journalism have spoken out in favour of the event.

“I believe this is the single most important event in The Park media’s year,” said Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism in a recent interview.

“We stand to gain more insight into ourselves and the reading public in this one month than in the other eleven months combined,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Stand-alone education advocates use buttons to kick off new campaign

By

STUPIDITY ButtonMr. Justice Augustus Dindon usually keeps to himself, but this weekend we’ll be seeing his image everywhere, if a new pro-education group has its way.

The group, which calls itself “Park Citizens for Stand-Alone Education,” has used the judge’s image and his most recent ruling that all Animals have the right to remain stupid, to kick off their campaign in favour of building stand-alone educational institutions for The Park’s young.

In a statement released this morning, the group says that it’s high time the Archons faced the truth about education in The Park.

“We’ve been talking around this issue for some time and nothing has been done to improve the quality of education here [in The Park]. We are taking the issue to Park citizens, to the Archons and to the budget committee and Park Finance Officer Abeja. We need to provide quality education for our young in a separate environment from their home and we need to see to it immediately,” says the statement, which was written by Domoina Fossa, the group’s head.

Fossa has some experience in this area. As a professor at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier and the head researcher of a study commissioned by the 2011 Archons, she concluded that the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled and that “this type of system does not work in a modern Park, with so many species trying to live together harmoniously.”

Fossa says she still stands by that opinion.

“We believe the interspecial strife that has escalated over the past few years could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an early point in their lives. And in addition to that, we believe that using trained teachers is the best way to impart knowledge. Not all parents are capable of doing that,” she says.

The group will be out in full force over the weekend, handing out buttons and talking to citizens about education and the future of The Park.

“I can’t wait to get going on this campaign. The future is now,” says Fossa.

OTD in 2017—DWBS “disappointed” that Mating Dance selfie warnings not heeded

By

Pig SelfieFor the second year in a row, selfies and other photos of Park Animals that were taken during last Friday’s Mating Dance have been posted on the internet.

“It appears that our repeated warnings to Park Animals to take precautions against Humans photographing them taking selfies fell on deaf ears,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), at a press conference this morning.

While Kakapo confirmed that a second investigation has been launched into the posting of Mating Dance photos, he was quick to emphasize that little could be done about the problem at this point.

“This is about prevention, not about cure,” he said. “The time to do something about it is before it happens. We have no way of forcing Humans to remove the pictures from their sites. We can only do our best to prevent it. ”

Kakapo said the department had received legal advice and was told that although under Park law the posting of these photos is considered a hate crime, Park Animals have no ability to pursue their legal rights outside The Park.

“Unfortunately, that is the case,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park.”

OTD in 2014—Park Museum to mark Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

By

Park Museum

The Park Museum will open part of a ground floor wing to host an exhibit marking June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

The Park Museum, which is scheduled to open officially in the Autumn of 2014, has announced that it will use part of a ground floor wing to host an exhibit marking June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a press statement released today, the Museum’s Board of Governors said the exhibit, which is tentatively entitled, “It Could Happen to You,” will open to the general public on June 1.

A Museum spokesAnimal confirmed that the Board of Governors decided to open the Museum ahead of time “because this is such an important issue.”

“The Board felt it was incumbent upon the Museum to take a stand in the face of the growing number of our citizens who have been taken. They felt they couldn’t wait another year, so they met with their construction advisers and that part of the Museum has been certified for safe use,” the spokesAnimal said.

The Museum does not plan to charge Park residents to visit the exhibit, the spokesAnimal confirmed.

OTD in 2014—Thisbe and The Barkettes to appear together at Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

By

halcyondaysMAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

Thisbe and the Barkettes are planning to appear together on May 20 at the 2014 Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

According to a source close to the popular singing group, the decision was made “in the last few days”  and “it was unanimous.”

The source, who spoke to The Mammalian Daily on condition of anonymity, said Thisbe has missed her audience over the past several years.

“While The Barkettes [Estelle, Lorraine, Carmen and Mercedes] have performed together on a number of occasions, Thisbe has not sung with them since 2007. Her health is still in a fragile state, but she says she now feels well enough to perform and she believes that getting back onstage will make her stronger,” the source said.

Though the source refused to comment on the reunion rumours posted recently on the gossip web site headsNtales, he did say that they have been in the studio in the past month “looking around” and they are contemplating a comeback recording.

Thisbe was last seen in public at the debut of “I Love a Man in a Collar,” Rauf Wiedersehen Shepherd’s documentary about the group that opened the 2012 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

OTD in 2016—Fowl Ball fully hatched: organizer touts mature event for 2016

By

Fowl Ball

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Fowl Ball is all grown up and ready to be the “main event”of The Park’s Spring social season.

“We had some growing pains, there’s no doubt about that. But we’re happy to say we’re over them and we’re ready to move forward as a mature event,” Rafael Ortega said this morning.

As the sole guest on Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros show, the Ball’s chief organizer had the opportunity to expound on his goals for the charity affair and some of them seemed quite lofty. But Ortega had an answer for any doubters:

“Birds like to think big and fly high,” he said.

Ortega has achieved many of his goals thus far. In two short years, he has made the Fowl Ball one of the most anticipated events on The Park’s social calendar. And it has brought in more money than Ortega anticipated it would do in the course of five years.

Indeed, on its own, the Ball has funded the establishment of The Park’s first retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of the Avian community. The residence is set to open this Autumn, but Ortega says he won’t be spending the time between now and then “sitting pretty” or resting on his laurels.

“My goal is to make the Fowl Ball not just a signature event, but a Park institution,” he told Tavros.

Doubters: consider yourselves warned.

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016. Tickets are on sale now and are available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

OTD in 2017—Noreen nominated for literary award for UWT speech on Human architecture

By

Official NoreenBREAKING NEWS: Noreen has been nominated for a Chitter Radio Literary Award.

In an announcement this morning, CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán confirmed Noreen’s nomination in the speech category for her address at a University of West Terrier forum this past Autumn.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies served as chair of the two-day October event, which discussed the effects of Human architecture on other Animals. Other participants included faculty members in the UWT Schools of Architecture, Medicine, and Economics and Social Science, as well as community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health.

Noreen’s speech, which was entitled, “Doors, Screens, Walls, Halls: The Ins and Outs of Human Architecture,” was exceptionally well-received at the event, according to university officials and forum participants.

This is Noreen’s first CRLA nomination.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards will be held on June 15, 2017.

OTD in 2012—CPAP to investigate Daffy Dill’s “natural product” claims

By

 The Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) confirmed today that it plans to investigate claims made by The Daffy Dill that its whisker bouquets are made exclusively of “natural” products.

At a press conference held this morning, CPAP head Ursula M. Bjørn said that, in launching its investigation, the Agency was answering to a number of concerns voiced by consumers over the past 12 months.

“Consumers have been questioning the veracity of [Daffy Dill’s] claims, particularly those made about its whisker bouquet products,” Bjørn said. “We determined that these queries warranted some further examination.”

The Agency’s decision to launch its probe may also be due, in part, to recurrent rumours that non-resident Animals have been detained illegally in The Park for the purpose of harvesting their whiskers. Bjørn would not comment on these rumours, but did not deny that such activity “would be a great concern, if it were found to be true.”

While Daffy Dill owners have remained silent about the investigation, Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), issued a statement just hours ago. In it, he chastised CPAP for “doing the bidding of a few disgruntled customers” and said the complaints may well have been connected to recent price increases.

“Many shops in The Park have experienced customer anger lately, as a result of necessary price increases. That is a fact of life in business, but customer anger should not be grounds for a full investigation,” the statement read.

OTD in 2012—Ask a Poodle: Is Pink the new Black?

By

DEAR POODLE: I come from a long line of award-winning Poodles. Both my mother and father were champions – in fact, they met on the show circuit and have been together ever since. My five littermates and I are all interested in following in our parents’ footsteps, but we’ve been told that we have no chance of winning because we all have black coats. They say that black is out and pink is in. We are so disappointed. Should we dye our coats to suit this current trend or should we continue to compete, au naturel? – BLACK AND BLUE

DEAR BLACK AND BLUE: If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a pink Poodle?

Seriously, folks, what has gotten into us? This whole “pink Poodle” thing smacks of an unmentionable sensibility (can you spell H-U- M-A-N?) and I don’t understand why we’ve fallen for it.

Even though I abhor psychology, I do wonder why so many of us are not content with the selves that we are. While I’ve never been against a little dash of something here or there, just to enhance what is naturally wonderful, the idea of undergoing the sort of dye-job you mention sends shivers down my tail.

Now, I won’t even address the obsessive need that we Poodles have to exhibit ourselves, but I will say this: no matter what anyone tells you, pink is NOT the new black. It is unnatural, unnerving and, more than anything else, it is untrue to who we are.

Let me humbly suggest that, instead of thinking about changing yourself to suit someone else’s vision, you and your littermates might be better off pursuing a different – dare I say, more meaningful — career. And one, perhaps, for which black is best.

Ask a Poodle is a regular feature of The Mammlian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for the Poodle, please e-mail it to her at askapoodle@mammaliandaily.com. We regret that the Poodle cannot send responses directly to you.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

June 2025
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30