The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2014—Fourth quarter gains prove hibernation a drag on economy, say some analysts

By

Fourth quarter gainsProponents of abolishing hibernation in The Park may discover they have a new friend in their corner: the latest figures released by The Park Finance Office and The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

The most recent reports show significant fourth quarter gains in all sectors of The Park’s economy, but particularly in the retail and construction sectors. While these gains were predicted by most analysts and are believed to be a result of 2013’s extended pre-hibernation period, there are some who feel these figures highlight the precariousness of The Park’s economy during the periods of hibernation and estivation.

“How can we expect the economy to function properly when a significant portion of our citizens exist in a state of torpor in both the Winter and Summer seasons?” asked Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners, at a recent economic forum.

Dingo has never publicly suggested that hibernation should be abolished, perhaps because his company offers specialized financial services to The Park’s large hibernation and estivation communities. But at the recent forum, he was forthright in his reservations about continuing with the status quo.

“Our economy has stagnated for the past few years and, eventually, The Park will have to face up to its unique problems. We are not singling out any group, but our economic challenges here [in The Park] have become significant. We need to engage all our citizens in a serious conversation about how best to grow the economy. Otherwise, we will become vulnerable to forces that do not have our best interests at heart,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Don’t miss these Springtime events!

By

upcoming-event There’s always a lot of work to do come Springtime. But don’t forget to mark your calendar for these annual Park events!

Otter Slide participant
March 13: Closing date for the Otter Ice Slide
Yes, it will be another Winter come and gone. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while the weather still permits. There’s no feeling like it, but that feeling won’t last past March 13.

Polar BearMarch 25: Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic
One of our most beloved seasonal and artistic events. Now in its twenty-second year, the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic has expanded to include haiku and rap, but the format of the day remains the same. And here’s a cautionary word from the organizers: watch the weather forecast and dress appropriately to avoid frozen nose syndrome.

The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" will now be called "The Shakeoff"March 29: The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff”
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”
Formerly the “Shake for Charity,” this semi-annual event aids those who have no coat. The Shakeoff also offers free grooming and refreshments to participants.

tulipsMarch 30: Tulip season
Yes, it’s that time of year already. Tap on your apps to find the latest emerging bulbs. If you need any technical help, our resident experts at The Mammalian Daily will be on hand to aid you in locating your favourite Springtime snack.

April 8-10: The Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual “Broopee Days”cat-and-dog-drinking
Are you a Broopee? We’re all Broopees during the Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual Broopee Days! So invite your friends—of all species—and share the super-specials! And don’t forget the instant win contests!

Footpad HeavenApril 15: Footpad Heaven Clearance Sale
Don’t be a slave to style! Even though it may be last year’s stock, FH’s Toepads, Footpads and other clearance accoutrement are brand new. Indulge yourself at half the price!

OTD in 2012—Majority of Park Animals home-schooled: study

By

The majority of Park Animals receive their basic education at home, according to the results of a study completed last year.

The study, which was commissioned by the 2011 Archons in conjunction with the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), was conducted by researchers at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier.

The results of the study, published yesterday in the academic quarterly, Journal of Education Theory and Experience (JETE), indicate that a very small minority of Animals take advantage of any of the educational opportunities offered free of charge by The Park.

“This is an area of great concern to us,” said head researcher Domoina Fossa. “Over the past few years, we have witnessed an increase in interspecial crime and particularly violent crime. We believe this could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an earlier point in their lives.”

According to renowned Park historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at UWT, the impetus for developing The Park’s educational resources was exactly that idea:

“Interspecial harmony is one of the guiding principles of zoocracy. It was one of Jor’s [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy] core beliefs that we must foster interspecial harmony through Animals’ knowledge of and friendship with different species,” says Zilonis.

Many in The Park believe that basic education for Animals has been neglected and that institutions of higher learning have received a disproportionate amount of attention and resources in recent years.

“We will have to attend to this unbalanced situation if we want to avoid serious problems in the future,” says researcher Fossa.

OTD in 2012—Park’s grooming houses to fund new School of Aesthetics

By

The Park’s grooming houses announced today that they are banding together to fund an independent school dedicated to the teaching of aesthetics. The school, which is as yet unnamed, will be the first of its kind in The Park and will offer a certificate to those who complete its two-year programme.

The announcement was made this afternoon, when representatives of The Park’s five leading grooming houses gathered at The Pluming Room to outline their vision of a school that teaches multi-special grooming techniques, skin and hair care, and hygiene, “as well as the beautification techniques that have become so popular lately, such as Featherrection™.”

“There is a gap in The Park’s educational system, and we are looking to fill it,” said Elspeth Rinder, who holds a specialist certificate in Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease and practises at Amoltrud’s Aesthetics on a part-time basis.

The grooming houses, which together employ more than 300 practitioners of aesthetics and their assistants, say they have had trouble finding qualified staff and not one of their current employees trained at a school inside The Park.

“This is nothing short of embarrassing,” said Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Park’s oldest grooming house.

“I think that, as a Park, we are mature enough now to educate our own groomers.”

Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage said that funding for the school will come “directly from our collective revenue” and that, initially, the school will be staffed by the grooming houses.

“In the beginning, all the instructors will be in active practice at our establishments. They will not receive any pay for their duties at the school, but their hours of work at the grooming houses will be reduced to accommodate their new responsibilities,” she said.

In addition, the school will invite guest instructors from outside The Park to teach classes and give demonstrations.

“Breadth of experience and technique is extremely important and we aim to provide a well-rounded education in the aesthetic arts,” Tallulah said.

Although a location for the school has yet to be determined, the founders are confident they will be ready to welcome their first class of students in the Autumn of 2013.

OTD in 2017—Mob swarms biographer at book launch

By

3d-tabby-king-croppedYesterday’s launch of Yoshita Tigru’s biography turned ugly as an angry mob swarmed the author the minute she arrived at The Literary Apothecary.

A scheduled book signing inside the store was cancelled and Tigru was escorted by Park police to a safe location, where she gave a series of interviews via the web to Park television and radio stations.

According to Wyuna Winkle, the bookstore’s owner, Tigru had just arrived at the door when they rushed her, “grabbing at her tail and spitting at her.”

Other witnesses said some members of the mob were holding signs calling Tigru a traitor and an “unzoocratic Animal not fit for Park citizenship.”

Winkle said the mob members were angry at Tigru’s assertion that Jor, The Park’s first leader, initially had planned to rule The Park as king, instead of establishing zoocracy.

“That idea is abhorrent to them and they refuse to believe it,” she said. “To them, Jor was a perfect specimen of Felinity whose brilliance resulted in the reality of Animal self-rule. What Tigru reveals in her book, though, is that zoocracy was the result of a long process of thought on Jor’s part. What we ended up with as our government was not his first idea, but it was his best. For some reason, they think that revealing that fact is disrespectful to him.”

Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, the book’s publisher, has confirmed that there are no other events planned at this time for Tigru.

OTD in 2016—Hair and skin colouring, stripe removal hurt Park, says Artifice Destiny author

By

The author of a controversial new book published by Prionailurus Press says that the growing popularity of aesthetic changes such as stripe removal and artificial hair and skin colouring will have devastating long-term effects on The Park and its citizens.

In an interview this week, Artifice Destiny author Marika Kaméleon told The Mammalian Daily that such alterations to our natural selves will not only change the way we see ourselves and each other, but they will also have a detrimental effect on Park politics, government, and our collective commitment to zoocracy.

“The basis of our life here is a commitment to viewing each other equally, regardless of species, size, or colour and this kind of artifice makes a mockery of that,” she said.

Kaméleon, who is also a therapist at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, said she has already seen a number of younger patients who see procedures such as stripe removal as “adaptive” ways to avoid the extinction of their species.

“They come here talking about the hatred they’ve experienced and the threat to their lives and the future of their species, but they don’t see that caving in to hatred and prejudice is not an adaptation so much as a surrender. Some say it’s their version of ‘fight or flight’ but I say no to that. Moving in the direction of homogeneity is not the answer,” she said.

Kaméleon’s book became a bestseller almost as soon as it was released last week, but it has garnered its share of controversy, particularly from The Park’s business community and its grooming houses, some of which still offer stripe removal services.

“I have always been against the procedure, personally, but I don’t feel as if I have the right to deny it to Animals who seek it,” said Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “I don’t think it’s fair of Kaméleon, as a therapist, to advise her patients against doing something that might help them feel better.”

OTD in 2017—Designs by Holstein puts stripes and spots up front this Spring

By

Holstein FashionDesigns by Holstein’s 2017 Spring Collection will feature stripes and spots, according to a company statement.

In the release dated today, President and CEO Balbina Ko says the company took as inspiration for the new season the work that their charity EQUALSS has done, as well as their designers’ tribute last Summer to Zuberi Tembo, the murdered Endeka Elephant Band bass player.

Ko founded the EQUALLS charity almost two years ago to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals and others in The Park. Since the charity’s birth, Designs by Holstein has included at least one striped and one spotted item in its seasonal collections. Last year, Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, hosted a fashion show during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) in June. The show’s fashions were created to highlight the perils of domestication for all Animals.

The Spring collection, which is bound for the stores in April, includes footwear as well as body wear and, for the first time, rainwear, because as Ko remarked at the end of the company statement, “What are the first spots any Animal sees? Raindrops!”

OTD in 2016—Rehearsals to resume in March on Millicent Hayberry mystery series

By

Millicent Hayberry Rehearsals will resume next week at The Park’s Burrow Theatre for the Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series starring renowned actress Millicent Hayberry.

A spokesAnimal for the theatre confirmed director Jean-Luc Briard’s tweet of February 23, in which he said he was “Getting into shape for Tuesday rehearsal.” According to the theatre, rehearsals begin on Tuesday, March 1, a little over a month before the April 8 opening.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, emerged from hibernation on Groundhog Day and has been resting since, but is said to be anxious to return to work.

“Millicent lives for her work and if she could, she’d skip hibernation altogether in favour of working,” said a close friend of the actress.

Despite that, rehearsals that were scheduled for the month of February were cancelled, in part due to Hayberry’s physical state.

“She was weak coming out of hibernation, which isn’t surprising,” said the same friend. “But her spirits are high and they will carry her through the first gruelling days of rehearsal all the way to the opening.”

For his part, Gianfranco Colocolo, the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl, has yet to name the mystery series, preferring to keep that as a mystery, as well. Tickets for the series (single plays or for the whole series) will go on sale in mid-March at The Burrow Theatre.

OTD in 2016—Mating Dance organizers announce partnership with gewper for 2016 event

By

Dachsunds in loveOrganizers of The Park’s annual Mating Dance announced today that gewper will play a major rôle in this year’s event.

At a press conference held this morning, Mating Dance chief organizer Viviette Lapine confirmed the Dance’s partnership with The Park’s only scented social networking site.

“We are thrilled that gewper has agreed to partner with us for this year’s event. As we all know, scent is a major part of our lives—perhaps the most important sense for many of us—and the rôle that scent plays in mating is significant. In this context, ‘scents make perfect sense,’ ” she said, as she invoked the web site’s signature phrase.

Executives from RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., gewper’s developers and de facto owners, appeared happy as Lapine spoke about the partnership, which will likely rehabilitate their brand after the fiasco of their collaboration with Tab Tricolore on his scented holiday television program in December.

Lapine also confirmed that they will again be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services. Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 18 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP). The Mating Dance will occur on Thursday, May 5.

OTD in 2016—Rapper Will.o.be. under fire for criticism of zoocracy after Return of the Nut

By

Rapper Will.o.be.First, it was Douglas Cheetah. Now, Rapper Will.o.be. is coming under fire for remarks he made at The Park’s emotional Return of the Nut ceremony on Saturday.

Just minutes after 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf returned the Nut to The Park’s hibernating community, swearing the ancient oath that it was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” the singer and composer made some incendiary remarks to a Mammalian Daily Television (TMDTV) reporter.

In a “live at the scene” interview, the beloved musician criticized the Archons’ Groundhog Day address, as well as the Archons themselves, saying that they “embodied everything that is wrong with zoocracy.”

A shocked television audience then found themselves subjected to a barrage of specist comments, as Will.o.be. declared that “Fish do not speak for me,” that “[Chief Archon] Mink does not speak for me,” and that “very few other Animals have any idea what it’s like to be Feline.”

The composer and singer then went on a rampage against Animal self-rule, declaring that most Animals are not able to run their own lives, let alone the lives of millions of other Animals of all species.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in the Human world and I know that it doesn’t work there, either,” he said.

Minutes after the broadcast, Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS), TMDTV’s parent company, issued an apology for the rapper’s remarks, saying they did not reflect in any way the views of MDANS or its employees.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

September 2026
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930