The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2017—Park’s refugee groups take issue with new EDAM poster

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poster-for-edamGroups that represent The Park’s immigrant and refugee communities are pressing for a meeting with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to discuss the ramifications of what they’re calling the “not-so-hidden” messages in the new poster commissioned for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

In a statement this morning, the leaders of eleven of The Park’s aid groups criticized the decision to portray the domesticated and formerly domesticated as “dupes,” or as lazy Animals seeking an easier life.

“The Animals we help, many of whom bear the scars of their struggles to escape from domestic situations, are being made to suffer twice over by being portrayed as stupid, lazy, or materialistic,” the statement says.

While the groups say they agree that it’s essential to warn Park residents about the dangers of living with Humans, they feel the month-long awareness campaign need not insult those who have done so or who still do.

“Many of the Animals we assist were taken by Humans during the first few weeks of their lives and they had no control over that. And many others have chosen, out of sheer desperation, to live with Humans in domestic situations. We all do what we must to survive. There is no need to characterize these survivors as foolish,” the statement says.

The group leaders say they will continue to protest against the campaign literature until they meet with the Archons and the DWBS.

OTD in 2016—Beasts of Burden surprise farmers, tech companies with offer of pub for meeting

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The DraftThe Beasts of Burden have offered their pub, The Draft, as the venue for a meeting—or a series of meetings—of The Park’s farmers and technology companies. And they’re hoping their offer is one the two warring groups will not refuse.

The wildly popular band made the offer through their manager, Ignatius Herder, on the Yannis Tavros radio show yesterday afternoon.

It was as much of a surprise to him, Herder said, as it was to Tavros. Herder, a guest on the show, was discussing the rôle of music in The Park when he received a text message from the group announcing their offer of the pub.

“We heard Ignatius talking about music and its rôle in subduing dissent and in peacekeeping and it suddenly occurred to us, ‘He’s talking about us!'” said lead signer Alfredo Ox.

Not that the singers have appointed themselves peacekeepers.

“We’re nothing of the sort,” snorted Ox in an interview with The Mammalian Daily this morning. “We’re much better known for stirring up trouble. But this is an important issue and it can only be resolved by the parties involved. We thought, we’ve got a place for them where they can fight it out and maybe come to an agreement. It’s the least we can do,” he said.

As of the publication of this article, however, there has been no response to the offer either by the farmers or the technology companies.

OTD in 2016—Eggie and The Pigs, Weather Makers pull out of Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie of Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie and The Pigs will not be opening Friday’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In an announcement posted on the group’s web site, Eggie said the group did not feel it could perform at the event due to the tension between The Park’s farmers and technology companies.

“Our farmers are our most precious resource. We cannot, in all conscience, perform at an event that celebrates the beginning of the growing season if our farmers are not there. That would be an act of disrespect,” he said.

On Monday, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) said its members would not attend the Jubilee unless technology companies agreed to meet with its members to discuss the production and distribution of food-finding apps. Thus far, no technology company has made any move to do so.

In a separate announcement, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), said that her members had scheduled a vote for tonight to decide whether or not to attend the event.

Jubilee chief organizer Miriam Wapiti said on Tuesday that the event would go on as scheduled, no matter what the various groups decided.

“The Jubilee does not depend on any one group. It’s a celebration of Spring and renewal that we hope all Park Animals will take part in,” she said.

OTD in 2017—WMPSAP shuts down Kuttu scheme to import weather for Agrarian Jubilee

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WeathermakersBREAKING NEWS: Less than a week before the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park has averted what its leaders are calling a “disaster for the ages.”

At an emotional press conference this morning, WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear revealed that early last week, she and the leader of another Park environmental group (whom she declined to name) were made aware of Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu’s plan to import weather from outside The Park in time for the Jubilee.

“In so many ways, this would have been a disaster—environmentally, economically, and socially, ” Sun Bear said, as she recounted her initial shock and then outlined her now successful plan to stop the importation.

“With all due respect to the Chief Archon, she does not, in our opinion, have the expertise to make any kind of weather selection or purchase, especially in haste,” Sun Bear said. “We have no idea what kind of harm could come to us from the ingredients in that weather.”

Immediately after Sun Bear got wind of the scheme, she rallied members of The Park’s environmental groups, including Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers, Skunks Against Gunk, and Skunks Über Vehicles (SUV) and they made a surprise visit to Kuttu.

Although Sun Bear did not elaborate on what she called the “heated exchange” that followed the ambush, she said they made it clear to Kuttu that Park citizens would not stand for weather purchases made by the ill-informed.

“We don’t doubt that our Chief Archon had good intentions,” Sun Bear said, acknowledging that recent weather patterns made it look as if it would be too cold to enjoy the outdoor event fully. “But damage to The Park is not mitigated by good intent. And, in our opinion, the environment comes before the economy and before our enjoyment.”

OTD in 2012—Central Bank warns against short-term interest rate hikes

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In a statement issued this morning, the Central Bank of The Park warned financial institutions against offering high, short-term interest rates to their estivating clients.

“It is not in the interest of The Park nor of the client [for banks] to adjust interest rates for terms that occur during the dormancy period,” the Bank said.

The practice of offering high, short-term interest rates to hibernating and estivating clients has been in place for at least a decade, according to the Association of Financial Institutions of The Park (AFIP).

In fact, according to a report written by the Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) and presented to the Central Bank, local banking institutions count on the fat deposits these rates attract to boost their bottom line.

“There’s no doubt that, at this time of year, the estivating client is the preferred customer,” says CPAP head, Ursula M. Bjørn. “These clients are going nowhere for a substantial length of time and, consequently, neither is their money,” she explained.

These so-called “dormant” accounts that are offered by some of The Park’s banks come with an interest rate of up to fifteen percent above the base rate that is established every quarter-year by the Central Bank.

“This [interest] rate is substantially higher than the rate that non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals are offered on any of their accounts,” says Uzoma Serval, author of the book, BankWoe.

“But, there is a catch,” he says.

“When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They signed away that right, sometimes without even knowing it. And, their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more,” Serval says.

This has led to a rise in consumer complaints. And, non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals also have begun to complain about the practice. They say it is evidence of prejudice against them and that they are being treated unequally and unfairly by The Park’s financial institutions. It is a view the BankWoe author says may be difficult to dispute.

“The instruments of darkness tell us truths,” he says.

OTD in 2017—MWM head takes on Park media for manipulating readers “like advertisers”

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mwm-posterRonald Grouse, the director of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor, has taken Park media to task over what he describes as the manipulation of their readership “in the style of advertisers.”

In a scathing editorial this morning, The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst criticized Park publications, calling them “complicit with advertisers” in their descriptions of products, places, and events.

Grouse, who has only been at the helm of the media initiative for a month, singled out The Rodent Commoner for its recent article on the shortage of burrows in The Park.

“The use of terms that evoke emotion, such as ‘home,’ ‘hearth,’ ‘shelter,’ and the invocation of ‘family,’ is inexcusable in a publication that is supposed to be dedicated to presenting unembellished facts,” Grouse wrote.

The MWM director didn’t stop at The Rodent Commoner. Using examples from almost every Park newspaper, he demonstrated the manipulation that has come to be seen as the norm.

“News media are not in the business of pulling heartstrings,” he wrote, apologizing in the next sentence for the metaphor. “News media are in the business of presenting the facts as they are known or have come to be known. We are supposed to allow the readers to make their own judgments, based on our presentation. We are not supposed to lead them to feel anything.”

Grouse concluded his editorial by saying that he is deeply disturbed by the growing willingness of publications to shill for companies without thought to the consequences.

“You can be sure that we will take this up further at the Media Circus at the end of the month,” he wrote.

OTD in 2013—Transport problems caused Spring’s tardy arrival: PWO

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The Park Weather Office finally has offered a response to Animals’ complaints about the delay in the arrival of Spring weather this year. But it’s not an explanation that is satisfying to many.

In the statement released yesterday, the PWO says that transport difficulties were responsible for Spring’s tardiness.

The statement, which was issued to all media, read in part:

“We would like to inform Park Animals that, after a lengthy investigation, The Park Weather Office has concluded that transport difficulties were the cause of the tardy arrival of Spring weather this year.”

The statement went on to say that the PWO “will do everything in its power to ensure that this situation does not reoccur.”

Although the statement may have been issued in an attempt to placate an angry public, it appears to have done just the opposite.

“It’s no surprise that the PWO is blaming someone else,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), whose members have alleged that they are being shut out of the weather-purchasing process by The Park Finance Office’s commitment to cost-cutting.

“It has consistently refused to take responsibility for its bad decisions and this is just one more example of that,” she says.

Those bad decisions, according to Sun Bear, include purchasing cheap weather and weather that is produced outside the Park.

“The PWO says that, due to budget cuts, it has been forced to look elsewhere for better weather prices. It has totally ignored the fact that The Park produces some of the best weather that can be had. Even if it is slightly more expensive in the short run, it would save The Park a substantial amount in the long run, as we wouldn’t have to import as much food as we have been doing the last few years,” Sun Bear says.

For its part, the PWO says that it is reviewing its purchasing policies and will submit the results of that review in time for the new budget, which is due in mid-July.

See also:
DWBS shuts down Otter Slide following tragic accident
Otter Slide in jeopardy as victim released from hospital
Evidence presented at Mongoose trial sparks criticism of Park weather practices

OTD in 2013—Excuse me, Meister…I have a job for you!

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GuckMeisters! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Chuck the Guck Man needs you for his growing Park business and he’d be pleased to offer you a job

Here’s the scoop, straight from the mouth of Chuck the Guck Man: Guck is back and it’s bigger than ever!

The only problem is, there’s not much of it available at the moment.

“It’s not often that a businessman asks you not to order his products, but that’s what I’ve been forced to do,” says Chuck, the owner of The Park’s oldest and most prestigious Guck business.

“We’re experiencing a shortage. We’re back-ordered to the end of the Summer and the rest of the year doesn’t look any better. So, please, if you can, hold off until things get better.”

It’s not clear when that better time will be, though, because the shortage isn’t caused by a lack of materials.

“It’s a lack of employees…or, more specifically, a lack of skilled employees…GuckMeisters, to be precise,” Chuck says. And his friend, Stan the Spitman, says the same.

“I’ve been looking for a SpitMeister for over a year,” says Stan.

It’s been a long time since anyone complained of Guck being in short supply, so it’s not surprising that Animals have taken to acquiring skills other than Guckmaking. Chuck understands this.

“In the old days, it was a viable occupation. Everybody used it, so you had a stable customer base. And Guck is in my blood. My father, my grandfather, and my great grandfather were Guck men. It was the family business and I wouldn’t have considered any other occupation. But only a few of my young have joined me here. The rest of them have chosen other fields,” he says.

Guck, which is an acronym of Glutinous Unctuous Coagulated Knots, is a specially-formulated item that Animals have used for centuries to hydrate their eyes. Skilled workers are essential to proper production, because each Guck solution is made to the specifications of the customer. No two Guck solutions are the same.

“Like snowflakes, only stickier,” jokes Chuck.

While their ancestors formulated the solutions in their home laboratories, Chuck and his brothers decided to expand the business beyond their homes. Fifteen years ago, they opened three freestanding laboratories that fulfilled orders from within The Park and beyond.

“It was a thriving business then, and we were at the top. But about eight years ago, sales plummeted. Other types of hydration had been invented and Animals were no longer that concerned about ocular hydration,” he says.

But all that changed a couple of years ago.

“New health studies at the University of West Terrier  and evidence from The Park Hospital confirmed our own suspicions…that ocular dehydration had become a serious health concern in The Park. Animals are heeding the warnings, now, and they want the real thing, made for them alone. So, our business is booming. Well, beyond booming,” he says.

But will all of this new business, fuelled by the health crisis and new generations of customers coming onstream every day, turn that boom into a bust? Chuck says that worry doesn’t keep him up at night.

“We’ve ramped up production and we’re confident we’ll be able to hire a few more GuckMeisters before the year is out, even if we have to set up our own school and train them, ourselves.”

“We’re looking to a time when there isn’t a dry eye in The Park,” he says, smiling.

See also:

Guck prices to rise

OTD in 2013—Funding cuts, ignorance threaten Barkettes’ legacy: CMA

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Canine Music Association

The Canine Music Association is pulling no punches in its most recent criticism of The Park’s underfunding of cultural endeavours.

In the latest issue of its newsletter, which is sent to CMA members and affiliates, the Association voiced its strongest attack yet on The Park’s Finance Office (PFO) and its policies. Calling PFO officials “incompetent and ignorant,” the Association stopped just short of accusing the PFO of corruption.

“We’re howling mad about this,” said CMA president, R.F. Aarrf, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It seems as though the PFO and related departments, such as Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, only care about Park culture when it can hire it for a day or two as entertainment. Other than that, they provide very little support for educating our young about The Park’s cultural heritage,” he said.

Aarrf went on to discuss the results of a recent survey conducted by the CMA.

“One out of four Animals in The Park under the age of 20 has no idea of The Barkettes’ role in breaking the species barrier,” he said. “One or two more generations of Animals who are not taught about this…that’s all it takes to wipe out their [The Barkettes’] legacy completely and kill what we’ve all worked so hard for.”

Aarrf says he’s sounding the alarm now lest Park Animals become so complacent that they lose everything their ancestors fought for.

“If we lose sight of our hard-won accomplishments, it won’t take very long for us to discover that we have to do it all over again. And, next time, the world may not be so accommodating,” he says.

See also:

History and Legacy of The Barkettes
Canine Music Association announces award

OTD in 2016—Prepare for all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words

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Bulb Beacon with borderHistorians may look back on it and jokingly call it the “Tulip War,” but at present it’s a tense situation that could cause irreparable damage to The Park’s food and technology sectors.

It started last month, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained in a print advertisement that The Park’s technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food in favour of letting apps do the searching for them. The SCPCPGF maintains that this negatively affects what it calls the “natural pacing” of food finding and will inevitably lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages.

The Park’s technology sector laid low for a short time, hoping to wait out the controversy. But when the SCPCPGF refused to give up, SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava took to the airwaves to vigorously defend her company’s app, Bulb Beacon, and assert that SINCAP and other technology companies make it their business to support access to food in The Park.

“We all take access to food very seriously. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating and terrifying not to be able to find enough food, or to forget where you stored your food over the Winter. I’ve had relatives who almost starved and that was the impetus for me to develop our app,” she told Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros in an interview.

But that did not placate SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet, and a few days later, he called for a moratorium on the development of food-related technology.

Now, the anger that has been brewing for weeks threatens to spill over. As both sides begin to issue threats and accusations, experts say the issue could come to blows in May, as planting begins and the Park Finance Office turns its attention to the 2017 budget.

“What’s at stake here is not just peace in The Park, but the food supply itself,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“We all should be very scared.”

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