The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

First quarter results prove opening on Groundhog Day a profitable move

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Groundhog Day specialsFirst quarter results indicate that the Park Finance Office (PFO) did the right thing when it listened to the business community this past Winter and allowed shops to stay open on Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day.

“We are very grateful to the Park Finance Office and, in particular, to PFO head Valentina Abeja, for supporting our community so strongly,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), in a statement released by the Association today.

According to Whistlepig, Park businesses reported average profits of more than double those of the same period last year.

“This should convince the Archons, the PFO, and Park citizens that a permanent change should be made to the law,” the statement says.

That assertion could signal the start of another major battle in The Park, as the issue of allowing shops to open on Groundhog Day and other holidays has been a contentious one. Those on both sides have argued passionately, but the Archons and the PFO have been reluctant to make any permanent move.

Such a move would require a change in the law, which could only be made after the receipt of submissions from business and the citizenry, followed by a full and open debate, says Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier. And that, she says, could take years.

“I think this informal arrangement might be more beneficial than an overhaul of the law,” she said at the time the announcement was made about this year’s opening.

Others in The Park agree.

“We need to look at all the factors responsible for the rise in profit before we make any changes to the law,” says Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners. “Much more study needs to be done.”

Civet calls for freeze on development of all food-related technology

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A.P. Civet

SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet called for a moratorium on food-related technology

In a bold move that is sure to spark controversy, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) has called for a moratorium on the development of all food-related technology.[pullquote]Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.—A.P. Civet, president, Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers[/pullquote]

Society president A.P. Civet took to the airwaves this morning to announce that his members had voted unanimously last night to make the call for a temporary halt to the development of food-related technology and food-finding apps in particular.

The hastily-arranged vote came in response to remarks made yesterday by Peppi Orava, president of SINCAP Technologies, the company that released the food-finding app Bulb Beacon last year.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show, Orava disputed the Society’s claims that her app encouraged Animals to abandon their natural ways of finding food.

“The SCPCPGF claims that our technologies are meant to displace the old ways. Quite the contrary. What we were aiming for—and what we’ve succeeded in doing—is allowing Animals to do what they do naturally, but without expending as much time and energy doing it,” she told Tavros.

Orava went on to say that she believed technology would enable Animals to become more efficient at finding food.

“But if we do discover a shortage of food, that is not the fault of the technology; it is the fault of the farming community. It is their job to provide for the needs of Park Animals.”

It was that last comment that so incensed Civet that he immediately arranged the SCPCPGF membership meeting that resulted in the call for a moratorium on food technology development.

Today, on the radio, Civet was unapologetic about his hasty response.

“We believe these technologies have a use, but they’ve been made available too soon. They set up expectations that can’t possibly be met by any food provider,” he said.

“There are so many factors that go into the cultivation, planting, and growing of foodstuffs. It’s as impossible to blame one group for shortages as it is to praise one group for bounty. Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.”

Mammalian Daily becomes first Park newspaper to ban Human jokes

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BanDEVELOPING STORY

“A guy walks into a bar on two feet…”

So begins the most popular twenty-minute set at The Howler, The Park’s only comedy club.

The joke was written and is performed weekly by Dalmanik, who is widely considered to be the king of The Park’s “new comedy.” But as of today, Dalmanik will not be able to make that joke on the pages of The Mammalian Daily.

That’s because so-called “Human jokes” have now been officially banned by the newspaper.

In an “urgent memo” sent to all employees of The Mammalian Daily on Friday, managing editor Orphea Haas declared that poking fun at Humans, “our fellow Mammals,” is not appropriate in a modern Park.

“While it would be foolish of me to suggest that we in The Park have no issues with Humans, it would be equally foolish to suggest that making fun of them, denigrating and disparaging them, either in comedy, poetry, prose, or news coverage, is appropriate,” the memo says.

As a result, Haas has banned all of the above from The Mammalian Daily’s news pages, web site, radio, podcasts, and all other enterprises connected to Mammalian Daily Associated News Services.

This is the first time any kind of ban on joking or comedy has occurred in any Park media, according to Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

“I don’t believe we’ve seen anything like it since the establishment of zoocracy,” he said in a radio interview this morning. “I thought zoocracy valued a free and open press. I think Haas is moving in a very dangerous direction by closing the paper rather than opening it up. What with refusing to name her journalists and this, she is taking a few steps backward and that is very disturbing.”

Not all media experts agree with Akita, though. Ludwiga Saimiri, UWT Professor of Journalism and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ), issued a statement this morning in which she said she thought this was a positive move on Haas’s part.

“I support Orphea Haas in her determination to keep the news free of frivolous commentary and damaging and reprehensible jokes. Interspecial values demand that we attempt to understand and accommodate those who are different from ourselves. We have a duty to treat every Animal with respect,” the statement said.

Food growers, app makers at odds as Tulip season begins

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TT3The Park’s technology sector has come under fire from what seems like an unlikely source: the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).[pullquote]The natural ways allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents used these apps, our food sources would dry up within a few days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park.—A.P. Civet, president, Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers[/pullquote]

In a paid advertisement, the SCPCPGF accused the makers of apps such as TulipTracker, Bulb Beacon and FoodFinder™ of working against them by setting up expectations that food growers can’t possibly meet.

In the ad, which appeared in all print media yesterday as well as on three billboards, the Society made a plea for slower adaptation of technology as it relates to food production and consumption.

“As you know, the goals of our Society include ensuring the autonomy of Park farmers and preserving our food-growing lands for the nourishment of our population. These goals are difficult enough to reach without the interference of those outside the farming community. But now, the makers of food-finding apps are encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The natural ways are paced and allow for a more even distribution of food than these apps will ever do. If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park. That would be devastating to the economy, as well as to our health,” the ad said.

Neither SINCAP Technologies, the developer of Bulb Beacon, nor TulipTracker developer GVC De-Techt has publicly commented. on Civet’s accusations.

What you need to know:
The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons interfered with farmer autonomy on The Park’s food-producing lands. In 2012, an undercover investigation revealed that the 2011 Archons and the Park Finance Officers had agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. At that time, the Society broadened its mission to include being a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

We owe our quick success to the fast pace of Park life: KwikLiks owner

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KwikLiks

Groomer credits fast pace of Park life for success of business in first year

It’s been almost a year since Maitea Behi opened the doors of KwikLiks, The Park’s first—and so far, only—”flash” groomer. But what a year it’s been.

“We opened at the end of April and we had a bit of a slow start, what with the warm weather taking its sweet time to arrive and being up against a number of established groomers,” she says.

Nevertheless, Behi was determined to ride out the lean times, even though, with the financial burden of a staff of groomers (five full-time and eight part-time) working long hours seven days a week, she knew the business wouldn’t turn a profit for a few years.

Even when things started to turn around in the Summer, though, Behi  says she didn’t dare take her success for granted.

“When we started, we were a new concept, so we had to explain what flash grooming was. I think it seemed impossible to many Animals, particularly those who were used to spending half a day at the groomer’s,” she says.

But with some time and what she calls “smart marketing,” Park residents were able to see the value in a place that could groom five hundred Animals an hour.

“Life is so busy these days and that makes it difficult for Animals to find the time to spend at the groomer’s. But that doesn’t stop them from wanting to look their best, and that’s where we come in. We owe our success to the quickening pace of life in The Park.”

And this year, Behi is looking forward to participating in Tuesday’s semi-annual charity “Shakeoff.”

“We’ll be on site all day, doing what we do best. It’s a great cause and we’re thrilled to be able to join The Park’s other groomers at the event. It makes me feel like we really belong,” she says.

The Shakeoff (formerly “Shake for Charity”) runs Tuesday from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park.

TMD policy could harm Park media’s Month Without Metaphor: Tinamou

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MonthWMThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not revealing the names and species of its reporters could jeopardize the success of Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor, says Alvin Tinamou.[pullquote]We are living in an age of incredible transparency, yet Haas runs her newspaper from the darkness of a cave. It’s high time The Mammalian Daily let its readers judge its quality and its authority by themselves.—Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger[/pullquote]

In a front page piece that appeared in his newspaper today, Tinamou—the publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the May event—called on TMD managing editor Orphea Haas to “modernize” and to “get out ahead of your colleagues’ criticism.”

“We are living in an age of incredible transparency, yet Haas runs her newspaper from the darkness of a cave. Those old ways of wielding authority in that manner have given way. It’s high time The Mammalian Daily let its readers know who is reporting their news so they can judge its quality and its authority by themselves,” he wrote.

Tinamou also accused The Mammalian Daily of being hypocritical by participating in Month Without Metaphor (MWM), saying the annual media event was meant to strip news reporting of its “fiction, obfuscation, and obscurity” and replace it with simplicity and clarity.

“How can this event be taken seriously by other media and grow in to the movement it was meant to be when one of its major participants refuses to stop pulling the wool over its readers’ eyes?” he asks.

Wilkommen, Bienvenue: A guide to welcoming back our hibernating friends

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WelcomeMy, time flies!

It seems like it was just yesterday that we saw our hibernating friends off for the Winter and tomorrow they’re scheduled to return to us!

We’ll be thrilled to see them again, but how many of us understand this aspect of their lives? Do we know how they will feel—physically, mentally, and emotionally—in the days after rising?

“Probably not,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“I don’t think most of us even think about it. We just say, ‘Welcome back’ and expect them to resume their lives as they were. We don’t stop to think about the toll that hibernation takes on the body and mind or the length of time it takes to get up and running again,” she says.

For that reason, Gibbon decided to write what some are calling “the definitive guide” to welcoming back our hibernators.

The guide, which is available free of charge throughout The Park, was funded in part by The Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“They got on board right away. They thought it was high time we produced some educational tools on the subject. After all, a significant portion of our population hibernates or estivates. It has an impact on all of us, not just our personal relationships, but on our economy and our political life,” says Gibbon.

So, what should we know about our post-hibernating friends? Gibbon gave us a list of five things to remember when welcoming home post-hibernators:

  • Remember that they are not fully awake at first, even if they appear to be
  • Remember that hibernation is not rest, per se, and that they will be quite tired for a long period, post-hibernation. So, save the welcome parties for later in the Spring!
  • Don’t be insulted or alarmed if they don’t remember some important aspects of your life, or even their own. The deeper sleepers can experience significant memory loss, but this will improve with time
  • Give them some time to catch up on what they’ve missed. It’s difficult to take it in all at once
  • Don’t try to feed them too much at first. Their stomachs won’t be able to handle it

“I think it’s important for non-hibernators to understand the process,” says Gibbon. “And if you just understand these five things, you’ll be a fantastic friend to a hibernator.”

Directors’ Guild ousted me as prez due to my politics: Douglas Cheetah

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Douglas Cheetah photo

Renowned director says his politics led to ousting by the Park Directors’ Guild

BREAKING NEWS

Renowned director Douglas Cheetah claims he was ousted as president of the Park Directors’ Guild (PDG) because of his vocal criticism of The Park’s political system and especially because of his opposition to the continuation of sortition as a method of selecting The Park’s governing body.

“My politics offended them [the PDG) and for that I am not sorry. But the issue is that political beliefs have nothing to do with my ability to serve effectively on behalf of The Park’s directors,” Cheetah told host Yannis Tavros of Toro Talk Radio yesterday.

The director, who is best known for his award-winning film Black Cats Can’t Jump and for a moving and insightful documentary about an interspecial family, became a spokesAnimal for The Park’s pro-election group, Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) last April.

“The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he said at the time.

The Park Directors’ Guild has made no comment on the situation other than to announce that Varden I.W. Spaniel will replace Cheetah as president on the fifteenth of this month. Spaniel is best known for his film, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed, for which he received the Golden Cap, the Guild’s highest honour, in 2009.

Groundhog Day recap: great weather, massive turnout, POPS sees shadow

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Six more weeksIt was a great celebration. We made history, and then some. Here are a few tidbits to recap the day:

– First things first: Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) saw her shadow and predicted six more weeks of Winter

– According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, who described the turnout as “massive,” this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence

– Chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. was back at the celebrations, after sitting out last year due to the effects of premature awakening

– The Park’s food providers staffed the stations with innovative fare over the longest number of hours ever

– This was only the second Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat. This year’s dance was titled “Plea for Peas”

– For the first time in the history of any event, one of The Park’s peacekeeping units, the Does of Peace, performed a short dramatic piece

– The Archons’ Address lasted 21 minutes—the longest in history— and included a plea for interspecial harmony and thanks to the new PFO head, Valentina Abeja

– The 2016 Archons listed and promised to tackle “head-on” the issues that are dividing The Park: interspecial tensions, economic unrest, inequality among the species, violence, loss of faith in Animal self-rule

– The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3

– Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebrations. Seven Animals were taken to hospital, including one Bird who flew into the middle of the Herman Stoat Dance Company performance, and fourteen were treated on-site

Park shops get green light to stay open Groundhog Eve, Groundhog Day

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Groundhog Day specialsBREAKING NEWS

In a stunning reversal of its longstanding policy, The Park Finance Office has given businesses the green light to remain open late on Groundhog Eve and into the early afternoon on Groundhog Day.

The news was announced simultaneously this morning by PFO head Valentina Abeja and by Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

In a separate announcement, Whistlepig praised Abeja for her willingness to listen and for her “forward thinking.”

“We are extremely pleased that the PFO has listened to our concerns and shifted its position on this issue. Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day are not just a time for us to come together and celebrate. They hold enormous economic potential and we are grateful to the PFO’s forward thinking head for the opportunity to demonstrate that fact,” Whistlepig wrote.

In a radio interview this morning, Abeja said her decision to change the policy was based on practicality.

“In the past, we believed that if we allowed our shops to stay open, it would somehow take something away from the celebration of Groundhog Day. But after significant study of the issue, we came to the conclusion that that would not be the case,” she said.

Abeja also stressed the need for the PFO to view economic issues through the eyes of those on “the front lines of business.”

“It is our job to support Park business, not to stand in the way of opportunity.”

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