The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Park innovators to watch: TulipTracker

By

TulipTrackerThird in a series

Goodbye, Tulip Map.
Hello, Tulip App!

Brought to you by GVC De-Techt, The Park’s youngest tech company, this new app promises to deliver all the information Animals will need to source those juicy, fresh Tulip bulbs every Spring and Fall.

“We’re able to give you a heads-up because we keep our nose to the ground,” said the company’s proud president and CEO, R.A. Vole, at the app’s launch earlier this month.

Vole emphasized the extensive research that was required to produce the app, which will be available for download later this Spring.

“Our company prides itself on research, as well as innovation,” said the Park native who worked for another detection company before launching his own brand.

“TulipTracker has been in the works for almost a decade and our extensive testing over the last few years shows that it will shave at least a week off most Animals’ Tulip-sourcing time. It will be a great asset to small Animals, particularly to small hibernators,”

While GVC De-Techt asserts that its products are aimed at the general Animal population, Consuela Tapir says she’s fairly certain the target market for TulipTracker is “those small hibernators Vole referenced at the launch.”

While Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok, has no problem with that idea, she thinks the company should be upfront about it.

“After all,” she says, “we only need to look at this new app’s advertising slogan to see what its target market is.”

And just what is that slogan?

“We peep while you sleep,” say the latest print ads.

See also:
FoodFinder™
Five Park innovators to watch

Park innovators to watch: FoodFinder™

By

Second in a series

From the companies that brought you gewper, the social networking site that allows users to smell “those they know and those they might wish to know” and the popular scent-masking product FeralNoMore™, comes this new app that is sure to appeal to every species of Park Animal.

FoodFinder™, described at its launch last month by RhinoTech CEO Aldrich Nashorn as “the ultimate service tool for Animals,” claims to be able to find “any edible imaginable anywhere, anytime, at any place above ground or below in the natural or unnatural world.”

The secret ingredient in FoodFinder™ is a dash of what Nashorn calls “intuitive olfaction.” The exact algorithm is a secret, of course, but Nashorn admits there is a GPS component involved. But even more important is the ingredient that Enterprises Moufettes, the inventor of FeralNoMore™ has added.

“Under the direction of our Chief Olfactory Officer, Agnetha Muldvarp, our company created a database of odours that includes almost every possible item in the world,” says the company’s president, Aabu Koiperhonen.

“We are certain that we’ve included everything Park Animals need to sustain themselves.”

The app, which will be available for download in early April, is sure to be a success, says Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok.

“I can’t see how it could miss, especially in Winter, when food is scarce and many of us suffer from Frozen Nose Syndrome (FNS),” she says.

“I expect to hear by this time next year that both companies’ earnings have quadrupled.”

See also:
Five Park innovators to watch

Five Park innovators to watch

By

Gaggle logoFirst in a series

A recent technology conference held in The Park highlighted the enormous amount of talent that exists in this tiny space we call home.

“It’s amazing what’s developed here over the last decade,” says Fikret Kartal, President and CEO of KartalTechSolutions. Kartal’s company brought the Verifyzer™— a device that helps Animals distinguish between news and entertainment—to The Park three years ago.

“When we started, we had no real competition,” Kartal says. “Now, there are times when we feel like we’re just hovering.”

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok, understands the feeling.

“It’s an industry that’s just exploded over the last few years. I remember when these ideas had trouble getting off the ground. But these days, it doesn’t take long for them to soar,” she says.

So, just who are these new technological wonderAnimals and what great feats can we expect from them?

Tapir gave us a list of five to watch. Today, we highlight the first:[pullquote]I felt like a rare Bird at times. — gaggle founder Kawena Palila[/pullquote]

1. gaggle
The tech genius at the core of this new social media site is Kawena Palila, an alumna of BirdBrains, The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, which was founded by the late Cesar Emilio Gander.

Palila calls gaggle the “social networking site with a difference.”

“All the other social sites focus on the individual and try to get you to connect with other individuals. Gaggle is for groups—families, charities, even educational institutions. We want to serve the collective community in whatever form,” she says.

The minimum number of members a group must have to join gaggle is five because, Palila says, “I don’t like even numbers. They’re so restrictive and they make Animals feel left out.”

gaggle itself took five years to launch, partly because it was difficult to get outside funding.

“I felt like a rare Bird at times,” she says. “It seems unbelievable now, but I had a hard time getting Animals to understand the concept.”

Up next:

2. FoodFinder

PFO head on 2015 budget: “We can’t have tomorrow’s lunch today.”

By

pie chart

PFO head Abeja: “We can’t have tomorrow’s lunch today.”

The head of the Park Finance Office has a message for Animals who, she says, may have unrealistic expectations of the 2015 budget.

“We can’t have tomorrow’s lunch today,” she said in a Mammalian Daily Radio interview this morning.

Valentina Abeja, who took office less than a month ago, was responding to a question by a listener about a “more equitable” budget.

Abeja said that after spending the past two weeks mulling over the results of the December public consultations on the budget, she had “renewed faith in the goodness of The Park’s population.”

Still, she cautioned that many of the items that Park Animals listed as “important” or “essential” will be impossible to include in the next two budgets for which she is responsible.

“I would say unequivocally that the future will be rosier, but I am dealing with the present and we have to rein in our expectations,” she replied.

As we are already into the third month of the year, Abeja said her first priority is to present a feasible budget.

“After that, we will have longer to think about 2016 and how to meet both our economic and political goals,” she said.

Is the collar on the line?

By

Collar on the line

The Park is in an uproar over the sale of collars at Footpad Heaven

The Park is in an uproar after the announcement yesterday that Footpad Heaven plans to expand its inventory to include collars.[pullquote]The collar … It is, quite simply, slave jewellery. — Angus Deerhound of Runaway Rovers[/pullquote]

The announcement came in the form of an advertisement that ran in many Park newspapers, including this one. The ad calls the items “Jewellery for the sophisticated Canine and Feline set.”

“It’s an outrage,” says Angus Deerhound of Runaway Rovers, a group that offers assistance to formerly Domestic Canines.

“It’s an affront to our species, as well as to others,” he says. “This object …  the collar … it isn’t clothing and it isn’t ornamentation. It is, quite simply, slave jewellery. It is something that was designed by Humans so that they could have control over us. I can’t imagine why such a wonderful shop as Footpad Heaven would even think about selling them.”

Many others are wondering the same thing. Footpad Heaven, which is The Park’s oldest shop, originally catered to the needs of Animals whose footpads and toepads suffered injury because of unpaved roads. Josiah Bandicoot, an immigrant sculptor who had dabbled in chemistry and aesthetics, established the shop 47 years before zoocracy and it has been owned and operated by his descendants since his death. A few years ago, the shop expanded its offerings to include cutting-edge fashion and trendsetting accessories, but none of those items bears the same connotation as does the collar.

According to Deerhound, a meeting of dissenters is scheduled for tomorrow night. They plan to petition Footpad Heaven to cancel its sale of collars.

“Taking the collar off is a symbol of freedom to every Domestic Canine who finds refuge in The Park. Why, then, would we who live here and have fought for freedom and the right to govern ourselves, want to put one on?” asks Deerhound.

Many Animals blame calendar harmonization for economic woes

By

Original Park Calendar

The Park retired the Varrrian calendar in 2012 and adopted the Human Gregorian calendar.

Many Animals blame calendar harmonization for both their personal economic woes and the persistent sluggishness of The Park’s economy, say the results of a recent survey.

The late Autumn questionnaire, which was conducted jointly by The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) and the Park Finance Office asked five key questions regarding personal finance and the state of the economy. The results show a significant number of Animals, though not a majority, believe it was a mistake to harmonize the calendar with that of those living outside The Park.

“It’s an idea that took hold in Animals’ minds well before harmonization and it stuck,” says current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig, whose group began lobbying for calendar harmonization six years before it took effect.

“I don’t think it’s been fully understood by some but I also believe that the hardship experienced over the past few years has made Animals more likely to blame one thing rather than to look deeper at the number of different factors that might have led to our problems,” he says.

A cornerstone of the 2010 Archons’ “Agenda for Modernization,” The Park’s original Varrian calendar was fully retired in December, 2012. The calendar now in use is known outside The Park as the Human Gregorian calendar. The last printed copy of the Varrian calendar will reside permanently in the Park Museum, which is set to open on March 1.

In a statement released yesterday, the new head of the Park Finance Office said she is taking some time to review the results of the late 2014 public consultations on the budget. After that, she will begin making recommendations for a 2015 budget, which she intends to present before the end of the first quarter. No mention was made of whether reverting to the original calendar was among the suggestions tabled.

Barkettes’ songs to be translated into different Animal languages

By

halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have embarked on a new project: the translation of some of their biggest hits into a number of different Animal languages.[pullquote]We sincerely hope that other musicians and artists will follow suit and allow us all to enjoy the wonderful creativity of Park Animals. — Thisbe and the Barkettes[/pullquote]

In a statement released yesterday by their manager Hilde Blaft, the group explained their reasons for making the historic decision:

“After much reflection and in the service of interspecial harmony, Thisbe and the Barkettes have decided to release some of our most beloved songs in a number of different Animal languages.

Recent events in The Park have highlighted tensions that have grown among the different species that live in The Park. We feel that, as much as possible, we all need to bridge those gaps that have developed. To this end, we have engaged the services of several renowned translators to enable members of other species to enjoy our music. We sincerely hope that other musicians and artists will follow suit and allow us all to enjoy the wonderful creativity of Park Animals.”

The group did not give any specific date for the release of the music, nor the names of the songs that will be translated. But the gossip site headsNtales reported last week that the group has talked to a number of Feline and Avian translators and had signed a contract with RODOlphin Translation, the firm that works closely with the University of West Terrier.

headsNtales also reported that the Barkettes intended to donate a percentage of the proceeds from the sales of the translated works to a charity. The gossip site did not name the charity.

Archons move on budget, appoint new head of Park Finance Office

By

Bee 2012 A1

Valentina Abeja has signed on to be PFO head for next two years

Moving swiftly on the matter of preparing a budget for the current year, the 2015 Archons announced today that Valentina Abeja will assume the rôle of head of the Park Finance Office for at least the next two years.

At a press conference held this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta confirmed the appointment, saying, “The 2015 Archons and the Park Finance Office are delighted that Valentina Abeja has agreed to take on the onerous task of preparing a suitable budget for The Park. We will welcome her officially on February 15th and we look forward to working with her.”

Abeja, Alouatta emphasized, arrives with impressive credentials.

“She has significant financial as well as Animal skills,” he said, “having she spent the past few years working as an analyst at The Park’s All Species Credit and Commercial Bank (ASCCB).”

Abeja will succeed Milton Struts, whose tenure lasted more than six years, but who was relieved of his duties this past November after a series of scandals related to his allegedly accepting food from Humans and using his position of influence to encourage Human tourism in The Park. Struts is currently the subject of an investigation headed by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon.

See also:

Reaction to 2015 “streamlined” budget: from outrage to high praise
Struts out; new budget to be tabled in November 

Groundhog Day roundup: Record turnout, new budget in the works

By

Walmond Murmeltier

2015 POPS Walmond Murmeltier emerges from his burrow on February 2

It was a groundbreaking celebration, in more ways than one. Here are a few tidbits to round up the day:

  • According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence
  • For the first time in over a decade, ill health kept chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. from the celebrations. In his stead, Oscar Woodchuck did a fine job
  • Eight different food providers staffed the food stations
  • This was the first Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat
  • For the first time in the history of the event, a short play was performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company
  • The Archons’ Address lasted 17 minutes and included a tribute to Jor, the founder of zoocracy
  • The 2015 Archons promised to bring in a budget in the first two months of their tenure and to make the issue of inequality among the species a priority
  • The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3
  • Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebration. Four Animals were taken to hospital and seventeen were treated on-site

Yannis Tavros to host fourth annual “Pundits’ Parlour” on Tuesday

By

YannisTavros For the fourth year in a row, Yannis Tavros will host his “Pundits’ Parlour” on Tuesday, February 3.

Toro Talk Radio programming director Manfred Stier confirmed today that The Park’s best known political pundits will again express their views on our incoming government on Tavros’s popular show.

“Yannis [Tavros] will once again relinquish his usual talk show format to moderate what has become a very popular annual forum,” Stier said.

This year’s guests include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, UWT Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces, UWT Professor of History Beatrice Zilonis, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Also invited back are Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post, and Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct Professor of Human Studies.

Tavros also reached out to beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte to join the group, Stier said, but thus far has had no response. Rotte has agreed to speak about his recent experiences on Tavros’s show, but no date has yet been set.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

July 2025
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031